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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
upperlimit · 11/04/2017 18:20

My dh packs for himself. I give my ds1 (9) and ds2 (7) a list and let them get on with it, it probably takes longer but I think it is good for them to get on with things and feel capable.

jelliebelly · 11/04/2017 18:21

Was she put out that you were ironing/packing and not paying attention to her or the kids?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 18:22

Wow, you pack for business trips. I go on business trips and cannot fathom asking DH to pack for me. Do any women get their bags packed for them when they go away? I can't imagine it.

Yes, the division of labour varies between houses. But I would be shocked if someone said they wipe their DH's arse and this is in the same category for me; shit that people do themselves because they are adults.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 11/04/2017 18:22

DH does his own packing. He handles loading the roof box and camping gear.

Sometimes I involve my young DCs "fetch 10 pairs of pants" "fetch 6 t-shirts".

The amount of times that Brownies go on pack holiday and have had no involvement in packing and therefore no idea about what they have with them or have lost is a ball ache.

I was also Hmm when my school friend returned from an A level trip moaning that her mum hadn't packed shampoo for her and she'd unknowingly washed her hair in conditioner for days. Knowing what you have packed for yourself is important to me!

Selecting your things and one person bagging up is different to abdicating all responsibility.

Porpoiselife · 11/04/2017 18:22

What on earth has it got to do with her? What a strange woman! I don't have a dh but when I did I'd basically pack for him after he got out what he wanted to take , I pack for ds(3) and ds(11) because the 11 year old would probably just empty one drawer into a bag and that would be that!

The older 2 girls (13 and 14) pack their own, but I always just check what they've packed. They do theirs because I have no idea what they want to take so I just give guidance and check afterwards.

I write lists though and want to be ultra organised so I get a bit obsessive but it's certainly not odd for you to pack for everyone.

Once when one dd was 11 I asked her to pack her stuff for a weekend. We arrived and she had packed........a diary. That was it Shock since then I check!!

KinkyAfro · 11/04/2017 18:24

What mothervulva says, he works longer hours and some weekends so I always offer. Depending on his schedule determines who does it. I don't think it's that weird, I also do his ironing Shock

He does plenty of stuff for our hols including booking it, online check in, getting the holiday money, sorting the hire car so a little packing isn't going to kill me. He picks his clothes, I bung them in the case. Easy peasy

BarryTheKestrel · 11/04/2017 18:25

I pack for Dh every time we go away. He puts what he wants in a pile and I pack it. He doesn't take space into account when packing and we only ever take one case, I can squeeze in a lot more than he can!
Dd is only 2 so clearly I also pack for her. I really don't see the issue and she is majorly BU to question you on it.

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 18:28

I don't think she felt like I wasn't paying attention to the kids. Her DD was hiding in my wardrobe and demanding a sleepover, so she only came up to drag her out. I made. I made cakes them today and she's been here 8.30-4 two days.
She obviously thinks I do too much for DH and the kids, but I don't know why she cares that much to be rude.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 11/04/2017 18:28

Your mate was rude but I would have been tempted to say the same.
I wouldn't say anything because its NMB.
I would never pack for OH. why the hell should I?

My mum used to pack for my dad and then complain about doing it and how ungrateful he was.
When I told her to stop bloody doing it then she looked at me as if I was mad.

How the hell would I know what OH wants to take on holiday? It would be bloody weird if another adult was choosing what I was going to wear for the next fortnight.

HecateAntaia · 11/04/2017 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 11/04/2017 18:31

I cannot imagine ever packing for my partner.

I used to pack for the kids but stopped about eight years ago.

SwimmingMom · 11/04/2017 18:32

Your friend was probably rude & came across as ungrateful, but I think she was probably angry FOR you rather than AT you. She could see that you had so many kids to run after & on top of that you were 'slaving' away doing something that most wives would not do for their husband (unless it was a rare situation or reciprocated). She probably felt you were undervaluing yourself by doing everyone's hard work instead of taking a bit of respite when you could. I would look at it as a badly put eye opener for you.

SallyGinnamon · 11/04/2017 18:34

None of her beeswax!

I do most of our family packing including DH. Except for his socks. He's strangely picky about them!

Funnyface1 · 11/04/2017 18:34

In my house I'm the organiser, dh is the muscle. I will gather everything for everyone (buy, wash, iron etc) and decide what's going where, but my dh is just better at packing. He just knows how to put things in the best way to maximise space and minimise breakages. And i appreciate the help.

Your friend was being unreasonable. All families do things for each other. Sounds like she has a different issue and just used that to vent. Have a nice holiday.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 18:34

I wouldn't pack for DH, no. And he wouldn't pack for me or the children - he'd have no fecking clue WHAT to pack for us.

I still pack for the boys because they're 4 and 9, but as they get older they'll have to start doing it for themselves, else how will they ever learn?

aprilsdelight · 11/04/2017 18:35

It all depends. If he was busy doing something else and didn't have much spare time and i did, then i would. Otherwise he'd do his own. If i asked him he'd pack my case too but i wouldn't want him to. I think it'd be childish to not pack his case just to make some kind of point. I'm better at packing than him though so i don't mind at all, just as he's better at doing certain things than i am.

supermoon100 · 11/04/2017 18:38

I would never pack for dh. I don't even like sharing a case with him

Original poster
Confuso · 11/04/2017 18:39

To be honest, I always sort everything before we go away - packing, cleaning for cat sitters etc and usually collapse onto the plane, but once we get there DH takes over with the driving and sorting stuff out. He works a lot and usually up to the last minute.
I feel like I've been taken advantage of a bit by my friend, yet she's accusing my DH of taking advantage of me.

OP posts:
Giddyaunt18 · 11/04/2017 18:41

We pack our own things. I used to pack for my kids but now they like to choose their own and pack(I have to rearrange) so I leave them to it. Dh has always liked to pack his own stuff.
But, it's nothing to do with her and what does she have against your DH? Is there more to this?

minipie · 11/04/2017 18:42

My guess is that she's thought for a long time that you do too much for your DH and kids and that seeing you packing was the last straw iyswim.

And yes it was none of her business and rudely said but sounds like her heart's in the right place, she's trying to say you should get more downtime yourself and distribute the jobs a bit more evenly.

Of course if you are totally happy with the way things are then tell her so.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2017 18:43

Mine started self-packing when they were around 8 for overnights with friends/grandparents and around 10 for longer holidays, although I'd give them some 'basics' as far as how many pairs of pants and whether or not they need warm/cool weather clothes and such. I checked their case the first few times but after that it was up to them. If they ignored me or had a case full of wrinkly clothes, they just had to live with it.

I've NEVER packed for my DH. He's not a child.

My BFF lays out the clothes and her DH packs. I've never seen anyone who can get so much so neatly into a case as he does! I'd ask him to pack for me if it wasn't for the fact that I wouldn't want him to be handling my 'scanties'. Grin

He's also a whiz at packing cars. When she and I take our annual car trip together he always packs our gear into our cars' boots. Then he gives us a diagram so we can get it all back in!

LuluJakey1 · 11/04/2017 18:48

I pack for DS. DH packs for himself.

Boulshired · 11/04/2017 18:49

I pack for DP and the kids as I am a list person and very good at it, DP always drives as he is better at that. I also do all the diy but have not touched a wheelie bin for over 10 years or ever been the tip.

LorLorr2 · 11/04/2017 18:51

That's a very odd outburst to have out of the blue. Was she looking stressed? I really don't think it was just the packing that she felt so strongly about, there must be something else to it.

Recently a MNtter posted about another mum snapping at her for giving her child "unhealthy" tacos for tea when she went over to stay after school, I said it sounded more like she had had a bad day. Turned out to be right; the mum later came to apologise & said she'd been arguing with her husband and had been having trouble getting DD to eat well at home.

TheSconeOfStone · 11/04/2017 18:51

DH does his own packing. I can't imagine packing for an adult. I pack for the kids but this thread has got me thinking they can start having an input (they are 9 and 6). They are already responsible for their own toys and books.

We usually go camping and we do the packing as a joint effort. I drag the stuff out of storage and DH packs the van. He has a gift for it. I love ferry holidays as we don't have to worry about luggage allowance.

We both work, DH full time and me 70% contract. Neither of us work long hours though so we have a fairly even split for domestic tasks. I don't do DH's ironing ever.

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