AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

[Confuso]

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

*it's

FFS a = are

Why lazy?

I contribute a great deal.

I think it depends where you live disappearing. Where we live you could not buy a studio flat for less than £550,000. Yes we could move out and jack it all in, but this is the life we've made and it's all relative.

@skerrywind I didn't call you lazy. I said it was lazy thinking to characterise paid employment as the rat race. HTH

It is a rat race though.

I was 38 when I had my first child, prior to that I worked in scientific research, and then as a high flyer in the biotechnology industry. Business trips to Paris, San Francisco, long hours , unlimited expense accounts, fancy company cars, very long hours, lots of hotels and travel. I enjoyed the jobs, and the income but there was huge pressure and it was a most certainly a rat race.
I am not without insight into the workplace.

I am ten times happier with my life now.

@skerrywind you have given two examples of jobs where it's demanding and competitive. There are loads which aren't. I'm pleased for you that you are happy and fulfilled. But paid employment does not automatically equal unfulfilled, stressful drudgery. E.g. I love my job, I get paid to do it. I'm not stressed. Being at home with my 9 year old is 10 times harder

But surely your DD is at school? I can't see why that is hard.

I find it amazing that grown adults are packing for each other. I would never do this for someone who could physically do it themselves and would hate for someone to do mine. It's not easier to do it yourself. it's control.

You could argue it's a damn sight lazier to hand over absolutely all the administration of your life, not to speak of your children's, to another person.

Last time I looked, educating kids in London was free, btw. (I live in London and have two teenage daughters.)

damn sight lazier to hand over absolutely all the administration of your life

Who is doing that?

You haven't met my 9yo far more unreasonable and demanding than any one of my clients or colleagues.

Can't you understand that women are different and want different things? Your "rat race" is someone else's idea of heaven. Your domestic arrangements are someone else's idea of hell on earth.

The OP's husband!

I do understand that women want different things.

What I don't understand is the criticism of women who pack a suitcase for their OH.

If I felt DH was useless and not pulling his weight within the family, I might feel resentful. I do what I do because I can, so why pretend otherwise? I don't get why it's such a big deal?

If I was to list all the things I never have to do because he takes care of it, you might find that equally unbelievable. But it's normal for us in the situation we're in.

In my case I am mainly criticising the men who expect their suitcases to be packed for them.

Don't get me wrong, I probably am jealous but not of the suitcase-packers. I'd love to have been able to work as many hours as I wanted and wherever I wanted, free of all the tedious housework and domesticity and child-rearing in a totally guilt-free manner because someone else was doing all that. I'd love to come home at 8pm to a nice meal cooked by someone else and not even have to notice that my shirts were wearing out. And climb the career ladder without having to worry about bloody PE kits and piano lessons and what to get for a birthday party.

Oddly enough not many women get this option.

I find it amazing that grown adults are packing for each other. I would never do this for someone who could physically do it themselves and would hate for someone to do mine. It's not easier to do it yourself. it's control.
Or team work -depending on the dynamics if your relationship.

DH and the kids (youngest is 5) all pack for themselves. I check the kids packing after and ask them to put in anything they've missed

I think in some cases it's treating men as inferior and incapable in domestic matters. Which further pushes them into (and as a consequence, women out of) the workplace.

There will be exceptions but I think the message "men aren't good at domestic stuff" is as dangerous to women's equality as "women aren't good at certain professions".

Mothertheresa - you're not wrong with that perspective. There is the flip side though which is that I don't have to work out of necessity, I haven't missed a day of my DC growing up which to me is priceless, I have never had to worry about money and have equal access to all our accounts, I don't have to do boring admin around finances, I have the energy and headspace for the kids and facilitating all their hobbies and activities, school support etc that I doubt I'f have if I was working. Plus I can take care of myself. So that's the other perspective.

I wouldn't swap my life for OHs.

I have the better deal- even though part of that is facilitating his role.
I have chosen this life.

But I'm not in a boring job I hate OP. I love my job and the freedom and independence it gives me. Since I work for myself I've also been lucky enough to work my career around my kids so I've never "missed a day" of them growing up. All that precious memories crap is surely just a tactic to make WOH mothers feel shit - they do see their kids every day you know! Strangely enough I also support my kids' school and education. Just been filling out DD1's prefect application as it happens.

"Plus I can take care of myself. " - apart from financially. So that's the other perspective.

You're in danger of tripping up over your own smugness OP!

I think so many women believe that having a job equates to independence and that's the end of it. The truth is they are just as much at risk as the SAHMs they often tend to belittle as 'kept women' reliant on their husbands' income. Few working women can afford to support themselves on one income anyway in the event of a split. Family assets will be divided regardless of whether one parent or two were working, so what's the difference?
If you trust and love your husband enough, having a relationship where there are more distinct roles can work to everyone's benefit because people can play to their strengths, rather than perpetually feeling that they are just managing all the time. There is no blueprint for a 'fulfilling' life. If women can find this through focusing on their families, then how should this make them any lesser than someone who spends their days doing office admin for some company or other?

I think so many women believe that having a job equates to independence and that's the end of it

So true