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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 12:16

Again, what would you do if you were single or widowed?

Honestly? I really struggle to do the bin. I do it because I have to but the set up of my drive makes it difficult and the way I have to move it ends up putting pressure on an old injury which is bloody painful.

So yeah. It was nice to have a partner to do a job I physically found difficult.

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2017 12:18

could you please put some on the supermarket order

But that's what I have been saying all along: that's exactly what we did. Just we don't do an online order, because I prefer to shop in person. It's absolutely no different between clicking "add to basket" and reaching out your arm and adding to your basket?

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 12:19

And I'm talking about doing it without the other person even noticing they've run out.

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 12:21

I do think it's a bit...odd to monitor your partner's clothing and toiletries and just take charge of them without them ever noticing.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 12:29

But deodorant is just an everyday consumable item, I also buy shampoo, bubble bath, toothpaste, sanitary products, shower gel, painkillers, first aid items, toilet rolls, some of it is shared, some just used by certain members of the family.

Should each buy their own products? Maybe we should colour code the toilet rolls to make sure we each buy and use our own.

I know who uses what and it's much cheaper for me to stock up for everyone rather than buying overpriced products at a railway station.

Confuso · 15/04/2017 12:32

It's just part of the family shopping, motherinferior. Like planning meals or anything else. It can be time consuming, but you get organised. I have a fair bit of free time now the DC are at school. I can get to the gym most days and am hardly Mrs downtrodden of Notting Hill Grin

OP posts:
skerrywind · 15/04/2017 12:35

I have been discussing this thread with my OH, we are both laughing at the idea of me being downtrodden.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 13:29

I buy it all, we both use the same deodorant, shower gel, toothpaste, I can easily see when toothbrushes need replacing, his favorite snacks are easy to see in the cupboard, etc... the only stuff I don't know about are things like hay fever tablets and personal items which are not in a visible place. He buys his own clothes unless it's a boring item that needs replacing like work trousers and I'm going into town anyway. TBH what person working full time wants to spend their Saturday going through the rails at Next trying to find their size when their partner is in the shop with no time constraints? I'd do the same if a friend texted asking me to pick up a top she saw but didn't buy and I was in town, it's just the decent thing to do.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 13:34

it's just the decent thing to do.

Apparently not- it means we are downtrodden women.

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 13:52

My husband packs for both of us when we go away and though I love him and know he loves me, I definitely find it, if not infantilising, then yet another example of his control freakery.

In my case, pun unintended, but apt, It's not really worth arguing about, because he gets in such a state if he hasn't packed. He doesn't trust me to pack stuff and on the few occasions I've done it for us both, will unpack and repack, sometimes in the middle of the night when I'm safely asleep but most memorably when the taxi was waiting outside.

Oddly, we invariably arrive at our destination to find that he has forgotten something of his. Not me, I put all my stuff out (plus shared stuff such as toothpaste, deodorant, sunscreen etc which I'm responsible for) and let him get on with it. His clothes and toiletries such as razors and shaving foam are not my concern, so I don't bother.

I came back from my first business trip and he opened the case - yes, he likes to unpack and do the laundry - expecting an explosion in a clothing factory. I could sense his stunned disappointment that everything was neatly done and actually better than he would do it. He grudgingly congratulated me. Ironically, my ex-Army dad taught me, and my mum would never let him touch the holiday ironing and packing either and made a huge performance of it. They loved each other too.

I make no comment about individual relationships, but I wouldn't mind betting that some posters' husbands feel the way I do, but find resistance futile. It's just that this kind of thing is probably more common for women to do in order to exert annoying, though essentially benign control. But though I call it benign, being treated like a child by your partner is not that appealing whether they have a dick or not.

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 13:56

As I said- we are either downtrodden or controlling.

When in fact neither are true.

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 13:58

what person working full time wants to spend their Saturday going through the rails at Next trying to find their size when their partner is in the shop with no time constraints?

My SIL used to buy my brother's shoes. He was known in our family as being a martyr to his feet. It turned out she was buying the wrong size. I really don't know what was going on in their marriage, but I'd definitely say that like me and DH and my parents, they loved each other.

But sometimes doing things for other people that they really ought to be doing themselves is not the great idea you think it is.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 13:59

Limited I don't pack for my husband or insist upon it, but say that if he wants me to pack then to put the stuff he wants packed in a pile, I will tell him I've not packed the xyz stuff and if he wants to bring it to also either pack it himself or put it in the pile. No one is forcing anyone to do any of it, I'm not forced to pack, he isn't forced to not pack. If either of us didn't like the arrangement you can bet one of us would pipe up and change it!

skerrywind · 15/04/2017 14:02

t they really ought to be doing themselves is not the great idea you think it is.

So you are being prescriptive to save others from control.

Can you not see the irony?

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 14:04

I don't think my SIL was buying the wrong size as a torture device or some kind of kinky Chinese footbinding technique. He was apparently far too busy to buy shoes for himself and she just had it in her head that he was a size 9 when he was a 10. Or possibly 11.

I'm not putting the blame all on her. I don't know why he didn't say anything earlier. I would. Like I said, people's relationships are complicated...

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 14:05

Limited if my partner ask me to pick up a pair of trousers in Next with a 36 waist and a 34 leg I'm quite capable of doing so and believe it or not he has the brain power to try them in and say that they a) fit or b) don't. Not to be rube but your brother sounds a bit thick to not realize his shoes were too small!

BoboChic · 15/04/2017 14:06

Shopping for children's socks and pants might well fall into the category of household shopping.

DP is resident chief buyer of deodorant, toothpaste and make-up remover in this household :)

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 14:12

If either of us didn't like the arrangement you can bet one of us would pipe up and change it!

Maybe you and your husband have a more mature relationship in general or as regards to the issue of packing than me and mine Buster.

As I said, I'm not making a judgement on the way things work for them, but am pointing out that sometimes what you think the other person is happy with the arrangement when they aren't - and not for want of trying.

Therefore, after 25 years, I've decided to let my husband's need for control over holiday packing go. That doesn't mean that there aren't other things where I've said 'no'.

It works for us, as I imagine your relationship works for you

motherinferior · 15/04/2017 14:13

Why on earth can't he spare five minutes to order them off the Next website?

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 14:13

Not to be rube but your brother sounds a bit thick to not realize his shoes were too small!

That is quite rude BusterGonad. Or rube, as you put it.

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 14:18

As I said, I'm not making a judgement on the way things work for them, but am pointing out that sometimes what you think the other person is happy with the arrangement when they aren't - and not for want of trying.

That didn't make sense at all, did it? Grin This is what I've have said if there was an edit button:

As I said, I'm not making a judgement on the way things work for other people, but am pointing out that sometimes you think the other person is happy with the arrangement when they aren't - and not for want of trying to explain.

Headofthehive55 · 15/04/2017 14:21

He packs his stuff, older children pack theirs, younger ones pack with me and enjoy fetching stuff for their cases. I pack mine.
It has worked well for many years.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 14:24

Mother what would the point of that be if I'm in Next? Next time I'll say "sorry DH but I'm afraid I'll bypass Next when I'm out shopping and you can just order them online tonight when you get home" That is such a loving thing to do in a marriage. Thanks for the tip.
Limited I do apologize for being rube but I just thought it rather strange that he suffered with his feet but never though to check his shoe size. ^^

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 14:25

Not sure where the ^^ came from!?!

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2017 14:39

BusterGonad I'm sure my brother does know his shoe size or at least that the shoes his wife was buying for him were too small. He's far from thick.

I'm trying to explain to you that sometimes people do things things for you and invest it with such importance and an expression of love, that's it's very difficult to ask them not to without causing them to feel hurt and upset, however irrational that might seem and however much you suffer chronic corns.

And right there is where I'm going to stop talking about my brother and SIL because I've realised that was very rube of me to bring them into it.

BTW my husband adores buying his own clothes. If it wasn't his job, he'd happily spend his free time doing it. His job is selling clothes to other men who are as passionate about it as he is. I leave them to it.

But can't you see that it's stereotyping people to say that only women are interested in shopping and packing?