AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

[Confuso]

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

I'm am by no means stereotyping all women to pack and buy things but I'm just trying to say to do so doesn't make me downtrodden either, neither do I force my buying or packing on my husband, as he works and I don't I'm happy to do the jobs he's happy to pass on.
I hope my husband knows that when the day he decides to pack our suitcase and buy his trousers in Next comes, I will not hold him back from doing so. He usually buys his own anyway I was exaggerating my input.
I must say Limited your post did make me laugh, particularly the paragraph ending in chronic corns!

limited - I haven't RTFT, just the OPs posts and it sounds to me as if its the DH here who is likely to have some controlling tendencies, not the OP. Let's assess the evidence -

The OP has been an at home wife and mum for 12 years, presumably since having DC. Nothing wrong with that at all, although, unlike the OP, the hedge-fund banker DH been able to become a parent while simultaneously advancing his career.

The DH is described as ex-public school and of a 'traditional' background due to Middle Eastern heritage.

He 'expects' her to cook for him and do his ironing / laundry. She can have a cleaner as long nothing impacts him.

Do we think this man is feeling controlled by his wife, who by the sound of it, anticipates his every need? She even buys his clothes and replaces things without bothering him. But its ok that she buys his socks because he buys her - shoes and lingerie! Hmm... somehow I doubt its a pair of wellies and a 6 pack of M&S knickers.

I'm sure this DH is lovely and all, but I doubt he's too worried about his home set-up.

BusterGonad Glad I made you laugh. I'd never say you were downtrodden. I'm not either. It is just the way things turn out in loving relationships sometimes and we deal with that.

But I'd say it is wise to check how much you're doing things for other people. Is it because it's efficient and equal? Is it because the other person is a lazy arse? Is it because you're doing things for yourself or 'their own good', which boils down to the same thing? That's all.

I love packing threads. Not enough of them, to my mind. Far too many parking threads instead

Last one I was on, I described my husband's control freakery ways and someone pursued me about our weird relationship. I'm not downtrodden either.

With my amateur psychologist's hat on, I'd say it was because his father walked out on his mum and younger brother when he was 11. They were left with nothing and he has a need to be the man of the house and make everything all right, even though his mum is a lovely woman who worked like a dog and never put that pressure on him.

The reasons people have for control freakery are complex, tied up with love and not always nasty.

They can also really fuck you off though

My DH idea of packing is emptying his top drawer into a carrier bag on the morning of departure. He'd have no pants or toiletries and 11 pairs of socks if we didn't create a list that accounts for weather, activities etc and then pack together.

user1492263436 I haven't RTFT either.

What I was trying to say is that people's relationships are complex.

It's just I genuinely can't imagine why he wouldn't prefer to buy his own trousers. It wouldn't occur to me to get someone else just to 'pick up' trousers in my size.

Let alone notice my trousers needed replacing. (Which to be fair they probably do.)

I probably am Unloving and Uncaring. Good thing I keep refusing the opportunity to embark on a spot of matrimony, really. Am clearly only suited to a life of Embittered Semi-Detached Cohabitation in which each partner takes responsibility for clothing their own underparts.

I buy most clothes second hand. I love charity shops. 90% on my and OHs clothes are used. OH never visits them. So if I find a pair in his size for £1 then why wouldn't I?
More money to spend on Pinot Grigio.

Having worked around men in this field for many years, I can tell you that they are often tricky characters who are used to getting what they want. Their home lives tend to reflect this. They have high expectations of their wives who are required to prioritise their schedules, run the home, take care of the children and look beautiful while they're doing it. This doesn't mean that they treat their wives badly, in fact, they're often very generous and charming, but they do want a wife who will prioritise them. In return the wives get a very affluent lifestyle and if their relationship is a good one and they're happy in their role, it can be a good deal for them too.

I have to be honest, I'm a bit taken aback by the shoe story as well. I can't understand why someone would wear the wrong size shoes for years instead of just saying they are the wrong size.

I also immediately thought how thick would you have to be to not know your shoes were too small, but if he knew and chose to wear them and be in pain, rather than tell his wife he was a size ten, then that's something much more concerning. Sorry, but it's very weird indeed.

My DH idea of packing is emptying his top drawer into a carrier bag on the morning of departure. He'd have no pants or toiletries and 11 pairs of socks if we didn't create a list that accounts for weather, activities etc and then pack together.

I'm sorry your husband seems incapable of basic maths and of dressing himself.

Seems to me that everyone on this thread has the relationship they want and deserve.

Hopefully all the offspring stick to their own kind too.

"somehow I doubt its a pair of wellies and a 6 pack of M&S knickers"

I doubt that either - probably something she can wear while she does his ironing for him.

Mother I'm referencing to boring work trousers, you know same fit style colour jobs! Not jazzy let's hit the town numbers! 😂

user - "Let's assess the evidence". Really? What do you think this is - a Whodunit?

I have no regrets about my marriage or lifestyle. Yesterday, we actually took the kids and found the place where DH proposed which was on some cliffs near here. Almost 14 years and 3 children later and I probably love him even more than I did back then, so we must be doing something right.

*Seems to me that everyone on this thread has the relationship they want and deserve.

Hopefully all the offspring stick to their own kind too*

😂😭

"Their own kind" 😄

THis thread is bonkers!
Everyone,do what works for your relationship.
OP Your friend was rude.

THis thread is bonkers!
Everyone,do what works for your relationship.
OP Your friend was rude

Good post!

I love a bonkers thread.

I think this should be a question in pre-marital counselling.

'How do you feel about women packing their husband's luggage for them?'

I guess as long as both are on the same page, that's all that matters.

Yet alone notice my trousers needed replacing. (Which to be fair they probably do.)

Is there much chafing on the inner thighs MotherInferior?

I once bought my husband-to-be a shirt. He involuntarily looked at it with a fleeting expression of abject horror and then thanked me for it. He never wore it. There was a gulf between my idea of a shirt and his. I was wrong.

He has been equally wrong about things I know about. Over the years we have worked out our boundaries.

Only when I indulge in Perverse Acts of Outrageous Feminism.

MotherInferior - why do you keep turning your DP down when he proposes? If he bought you some new trousers, packed you a case and brought you out here, do you think you might change your mind? The water is such a beautiful turquoise.

I'm really not the marrying kind!

The friend was out of line, but I personally do confess to feeling a bit of irrational and unfair annoyance at couples where the woman does all the housework and the man does all the paid work. So I would roll my eyes - privately and no doubt unfairly - at a wife who packed for her husband and older kids.

I work in a male dominated field where all the men have stay at home wives and therefore are able to work all the hours god sends without having to worry about who is looking after the kids and doing the housework, and the expectation that anyone who is committed to the job will be able to work 18 hour days where necessary really takes its toll on women's advancement in the profession. So personally I can't help but feeling a bit resentful about this set-up, although I would never say anything and know that everyone has a perfect right to organise their affairs how they like.