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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack DH and the kids' cases?

753 replies

Confuso · 11/04/2017 17:35

A friend who is normally lovely has just turned on me out of the blue. I've had her 7 year old DD here all day which is absolutely fine as she is good friends with my DD. My older two have been mooching around and I've been mainly in "project pack" as we're going on holiday tomorrow night.

When my friend came to collect at 4pm, she had to come upstairs and drag her DD out of our wardrobe because she was playing a hiding game. In the midst of this she suddenly started on me, saying she couldn't believe I was actually ironing and packing for DH. Haven't I got enough to do with the kids? I should stop acting like a bloody martyr because this man doesn't know he's born and never did. Her 12 year old packs his own stuff like any other capable child and I should stop pandering to the lot of them. I have been making a rod for my own back for too long and DH is on another planet Shock There was more as well.

Don't most people pack for the family if you're going away and AIBU to think I'm not weird and wonder what all that was about? I feel quite upset tbh as I've had her DD for 2 days and that's how she speaks to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuso · 15/04/2017 19:15

Fair enough longlo - I don't disagree.

OP posts:
longlostpal · 15/04/2017 19:20

I think that the impact on wider society is what is often missed in discussions about how labour is distributed between men and women. Having one WP and one SAHP works for lots of professional couples on an individual level, but it has the unfortunate side effect of meaning that there is always a supply of people advancing in the professions who can work effectively as if they did not have kids, even after they do have kids. So professionals who have kids but no SAHP (including most professional women and their husbands) are penalised for this. It's no one's fault but it is a problem, and it's an important reason why women find it harder to progress in areas like finance.

longlostpal · 15/04/2017 19:22

Not having a go at you personally btw confuso, it's obviously a very normal and acceptable set-up. It's a tough one, I think it needs addressing by employers primarily.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 20:33

I don't buy my husbands clothes, only repeats if items that are boring and forever on sale, hence work trousers. I wouldn't like to start dressing him in what I feel he should wear. He's his own man as I'm my own woman. I think he could pick out an outfit for me and get pretty close to what I'd choose, he did buy me some lovely perfume once, it's my new favorite. It's spot on tbh.

honeypooh2017 · 15/04/2017 20:35

Hubby picks his clothes but can't fold for shit so I pack our cases. We always take two and cross pack in case one case goes missing.

NabobsFromNobHill · 15/04/2017 20:37

but I personally do confess to feeling a bit of irrational and unfair annoyance at couples where the woman does all the housework and the man does all the paid work

A woman packing for her husband does not by any stretch mean that she does all the housework and he does all the paid work, and you might want to put that eye rolling effort into a little bit more thinking time if you think it does Hmm

MrGrumpy01 · 15/04/2017 21:03

I pack and do all the paid work.

He unpacked today though.

BusterGonad · 15/04/2017 21:11

My husband likes to unpack and set all his bits out at the hotel, mainly he sets the music device up and finds his book/s.

Chakka · 15/04/2017 22:18

I think the issue on this thread has been that its fine in to pack a case for your husband (though some seem to have a strong issue even with that), but in the Op's case she does far more than this and she does sound as if she is in the position of a surrendered wife in many respects, whether she realises it or not. There has to be a reason why the friend reacted as she did.

Also agree with the PP's point above about how men with this kind of home situation have an unfair advantage in the workplace as they literally don't have to focus on anything else.

WillandBill · 15/04/2017 22:29

I don't normally pack for DH. He did pack for me once when I was working 24/7 and I had the most random selection of clothes ever....

NabobsFromNobHill · 15/04/2017 22:31

she does sound as if she is in the position of a surrendered wife in many respects, whether she realises it or not

That is seriously fucking offensive. How the fuck dare you?

There has to be a reason why the friend reacted as she did

Because she's a total dick, is the most likely reason.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/04/2017 00:19

"That is seriously fucking offensive. How the fuck dare you?"

What an extreme reaction! Something must have really hit a nerve with you!

skerrywind · 16/04/2017 07:33

Interesting point about men being supported in the workplace- totally agree. Before I had kids I worked in a very male environment, and my OH does now too.
His team at work is all male, from what I hear about colleagues domestic scene they all have SAHM partners. I know my OH will have to work late or travel a distance with no notice, he is only able to do that because of my support.
And in the great scheme of things that is not right.
But we have to deal with reality. We could rebel, he could resign, We could go off grid.
Or we could just get on with things and make the best of a broken structure. Which we do. And we have a happy life.

disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 08:06

I've also experienced those male dominated environments where men's careers are enabled by their spouses. It becomes self perpetuating. And it makes it harder for women to go back to work and get their career taken seriously by their husbands as the disruption to the status quo is too great.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2017 08:16

That is seriously fucking offensive. How the fuck dare you?

Well that's a bit ott. And yes I agree with the poster on the face of it it does sound a bit surrendered wife to buy your husbands clothes, launder them, pack them, unpack them and then iron then again whilst on holiday. And not just as a one off, but because that's her "job" . the op might like it, she likes that this is her role, and lots of us live in ways that many others cant understand.

skerrywind · 16/04/2017 08:17

get their career taken seriously by their husbands That's nothing to do with the workplace though- that's a relationship issue.
I never did get back into the workplace- that was a choice. But my OH treats my role very seriously.

Original poster
Confuso · 16/04/2017 09:15

I don't relate to the surrendered wife idea at all because, as I understand it, this is based on a religious notion that men are head of the household and you shouldn't question their decisions about anything. DH and I are very much a team and it's not like that at all. We discuss everything and I would say the majority if the time he's happy to go along with whatever I want.
He knows the money he earns is totally out of proportion to the value of what he actually does and he would see eg. a nurse as having more intrinsic value to society than him. On the other hand, living in Central London with 3 sets of school fees and everything else is not cheap so you do what you have to do. For many families in our sort of situation, there comes a point where time becomes more valuable than money. The schools round here are very competitive, my boys do a lot of sport and there is a fair bit of external pressure on the kids, to the extent you can feel as if you're living on a treadmill and something has to give. I've never felt undervalued as a SAHM because I know exactly what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and so does DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuso · 16/04/2017 09:24

At DD's school, I would say about 75% of the mums are in my position. In this way, all their DHs have some advantage in the workplace and I totally agree it's a self-perpetuating cycle. The more the DHs earn, the less need there is for their wives to return to work, life gets busier and so family roles become more entrenched as a result.

OP posts:
itsacatastrophe · 16/04/2017 09:54

I never pack for my husband. I don't pack for my teen (13). O pack for myself and dc's who are 8, 5 and 1 although I make sure the 8&5 yr olds help by picking out which clothes they want to take.
I once left dh to it but he forgot coats and pjs etc so now I just do it.

disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 10:02

@Confuso where I live it's exceptionally rare. Rural location, few jobs that pay well enough to enable a SAH parent for anything longer than the early years when childcare is expensive.

I feel bad for all the wasted potential of those women in SAH roles. I'm not saying that they aren't valuable as SAHMs, but that it's a structural problem that has entrenched their positions rather than complete free choice.

skerrywind · 16/04/2017 10:04

It's a free choice for me- I love not being part of the rat race.

disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 10:10

Why does working equate to being part of the rat race?

skerrywind · 16/04/2017 10:13

It does for my OH. I don't envy him one bit. He works in a male dominated environment a 60 hour working week, on call when not working, late evenings with no notice lots of business trips.
In our relationship he has the shitty end of the stick.

Original poster
Confuso · 16/04/2017 10:19

disappearing - well that's true to an extent. I could have had a career. I have an MSc and on paper am as qualified as DH. Would I have felt more "fulfilled" if I'd followed through on a career? Possibly or possibly not. I'll never know really. The fact is, DH's work was never flexible and I do know I would have been far more stressed and resentful at having to rely on nannies or childcare.
I'm 38 now and he's 44. He may retire from this in the forseeable future, although he would probably just throw himself into something else tbh.

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 10:22

There a literally 1000s of jobs and careers that aren't part of the rat race. Some of them a damn sight easier and more rewarding than parenting and running a home. I would never undervalue a SAHP but its lazy and inaccurate to call all paid employment (or self employment) a rat race.