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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/04/2017 07:39

He went nuts and started banging his head on the table

And you're done. Seriously. All other issues (many of them) aside, you cannot have a reltionship with someone who is emotionally still two. Competent adults dont do this. Ever.

Ffs do not whatever you do have a child with this mess. Run like the wind.

mcdog · 12/04/2017 08:04

OP, please leave this man. He's clearly leant from the master manipulator (his DM) his whole life, that throwing a tantrum gets his own way.

As for the financial situation, he's a total wanker. Enough said.

Whocansay · 12/04/2017 08:10

You want a man who 'goes nuts and bangs his head on the table', because he is incapable of having a rational conversation, to be looking after your children?

I imagine he thinks being a SAHD is an easy life. It is not. If a full time job is too much for him, he is not capable of caring for a child.

He is irresponsible with money, work shy and clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings. I would be reassessing this relationship.

Whocansay · 12/04/2017 08:13

And the £60K does not mean that you have to jump to MIL's tune either. It was meant as a gift with serious restrictions. The holiday is just the same. And let's face it. A holiday in these circumstances is not a holiday.

Just keep saying no. You have excellent reasons for not going.

5foot5 · 12/04/2017 09:22

I think you are very right to be nervous about his attitude to money.

This is a man who has no trouble accepting and spending freely at other people's expense (£60K from his mother, you paying 70% of household bills, your £2K saved from working abroad, future plans for him to be a SAHD.) However, he clearly feels no urge or responsibility to contribute much himself (his willingness to lose income and possibly even his job for the sake of a holiday, cutting down his hours at work, future plans for him to be a SAHD.)

Before anyone comments the above is not meant to be a dig at SAHP. I know for many families it works well for one parent to stay at home for a time while the children are small and the other becomes the breadwinner.But this man seems to want to minimise his financial contribution even before there is the faintest prospect of a child while at the same time having unrealistic spending habits. To put it bluntly he sounds like a lazy arse, a free-loader and a spendthrift.

Can you really see him changing OP and are you happy about that?

SkySmiler · 12/04/2017 09:42

Holiday pay is accrued even whem temping now, speak with your agencies.

loulou0987 · 12/04/2017 09:46

either you cant get the time off work, or your passport has expired?!!

BluePeppersAndBroccoli · 12/04/2017 09:46

I could see him asking for divorce a few years after the dcs are born, say that he is a SAHP, ask for to be the resident parent and ask you to pay maintenance whilst he is living for next to nothing in the house (where you will have paid the mortgage etc etc).

He is showing you HIS true colours. Listen to him.

ohfourfoxache · 12/04/2017 09:51

I really think you need to run fast op

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/04/2017 09:52

Hi OP, just checking in, to make sure that you are okay.
Did he come back ? I just wondered if he had run home to Mum, with her telephoning you.
You have worked so hard, to get where you are, there is a whole world out there, and in it, a man who will truly, love and respect you. Who will support you, and pay his way. Someone you can rely on, and trust.
This is the kind of man you won't think twice about having children with. Please don't trap yourself, your Husband is controlling and unstable, to say the least. You will become a shadow of your lovely self, if you stay. 🌺

AtomHeart · 12/04/2017 09:54

Why on earth don't you just tell her yourself why you can't go? Why?

Catherinebee85 · 12/04/2017 09:57

Eugh. Just seen the headbanging thing. An ex did this when I told him I was leaving him.

What do you get that's positive from this man/this relationship? You sound successful and that you have your shit together so I don't understand what he brings to your life?

You're talking about children together but do you want this man to be the main male role model for your children. Please see that you deserve better xx

MadMags · 12/04/2017 11:44

He can cook?

So what?!

If you dump his cocklodging arse you'll be able to afford to eat out.

He won't change and you'll be miserable.

EweAreHere · 12/04/2017 12:24

Hope you're ok, OP.

Has he come home? Or has he had his mummy nagging you again about the 'free' holiday and how ungrateful you are.

I seriously hope you're looking for professional advice and re-thinking your relationship with this man and his mother.

Absofrigginlootly · 12/04/2017 13:23

*You want a man who 'goes nuts and bangs his head on the table', because he is incapable of having a rational conversation, to be looking after your children?

I imagine he thinks being a SAHD is an easy life. It is not. If a full time job is too much for him, he is not capable of caring for a child.*

This with bells on

Absofrigginlootly · 12/04/2017 13:24

bold fail Blush

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 12/04/2017 13:26

I very rarely say this....

Run for the hills screaming and do not look back.

exPatinthesun · 12/04/2017 13:37

Playing devil's advocate here I'm going to try and see this from his POV (discounting the refusing a FT job, that's outrageous.)

He has been ill and feels rubbish.
His DM offers free accommodation and flights for him and his DW. He genuinely sees this as a lovely offer. The same DM who gifted £60k so he and his DW could escape the rent trap.
He has accrued annual leave and can go on holiday and doesn't see a world in which you and he could afford a holiday otherwise.
He loves his DM and wants to create memories with her and his wife.
He thinks his wife is making excuses as actually putting the dogs in kennels won't cost that much, they both have annual leave to take and he won't lose his job.

exPatinthesun · 12/04/2017 13:39

What I'm wondering is: is this a MIL thread where the MIL and DH can't do right for doing wrong? OP is it really as financially untenable as you're making out or do you just not want to go on holiday with MIL?

Could you say you won't have much spending money, and say to DH he needs to take the pressure off you financially and get a FT job?

Absofrigginlootly · 12/04/2017 13:39

That doesn't explain his reaction or inability to communicate though expat...

OP do any of these ring true??

liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

exPatinthesun · 12/04/2017 13:41

absofriggin

It goes towards it if he can't see OPs point of view and just thinks she is dogmatically refusing a wonderful offer out of spite or just to be difficult, when he is desperate for a break.

OP do you mind me asking how serious the illness was that he is recovering from?

happypoobum · 12/04/2017 14:04

But he can still have a break.....................

Absofrigginlootly · 12/04/2017 14:06

I can see what you're saying.... but he's obviously learnt those poor communication skills somewhere. Banging your head and storming out because you can't get your own way????

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 12/04/2017 21:09

How are you getting on OP? My exMIL was always providing "free"holidays where she paid for the accommodation but not the travel, food, outings etc. It was always a location and time of her chosing and she threw a temper tantrum if you couldn't/didn't want to go. Exh insisted that we go everytime despite the cost - most of which came down to me as he was unwilling to contribute to any household expenditure.

I'd say work won't let you go if you need an excuse and let him going away give you space to think through your future. Good luck

aforandromeda · 12/04/2017 23:32

I wish the OP would come back. I empathise with her. I spent a lot of years keeping the peace with dh by doing what mil wanted. But eventually the worm turned and I'd had enough - and now we do stuff with his family on my terms.
I am prepared to spend a few hours with them, or a day with them,
but a whole week, or even just a long weekend he will have to tolerate on his ownsome.
What swung things for me was that after every visit with his family I would come home with a magnificently impressive breakout of cold sores on my lips - really scabrous and ugly. I rarely get cold sores otherwise, so after a few years it wasn't difficult for him to make a connection. After googling for information on herpes simplex he
had to agree that they were almost certainly stress induced, brought on by me having to behave and keep my gob shut under very trying circumstances.
Herpes Simplex speaks louder than words.
To the OP - your partner banging his head on the table rather than talking things out reasonably, and taking your opinion into account, is an indication of things that may be to come.
However, it's not necessarily a deal-breaker. He may be under a great deal of stress. You just need to put your foot down very hard and keep it there and see what happens.
The jury's out. Flowers