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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom1 · 11/04/2017 15:23

It's not really a favour if it's neither asked for or wanted!

alltouchedout · 11/04/2017 15:23

There's free as in "won't cost you anything" and then there's 'free' as in "lots of associated costs". Losing wages and kennelling dogs falls into the latter category and I think your dh is being a twit. I'd say to him he can choose for himself whether or not to go- but he should be mindful that even that way his financial choices impact on you- but that I will not be going and further discussion will not be had. And I'd text MIL saying thank you and I understood perfectly well that she was going to pay for the holiday itself, but the loss of income and kennelling costs were unaffordable. If they still pressure you after that it's probably Lose Your Shit time.

MargotLovedTom1 · 11/04/2017 15:24

My 'favour' comment was to Trifleorbust.

Chloe84 · 11/04/2017 15:24

Why are you going, OP? Because DH is furious? What will happen if you don't go?

I would get furious right back. Furious that they are willing to risk DH's job. Furious that you are expected to give up 2 x 1 week wages. Furious that you're expected to share a flat and spend every minute with MIL and therefore not have much of a holiday, and effectively pay £1000 for it!

buttfacedmiscreant · 11/04/2017 15:24

As is often said "it is an invitation, not a summons". It is financially irresponsible to go if you can't afford it. If DH and MIL can't see that then they are idiots. It isn't simply people being angry.

My vote is no, you don't want to and that should be good enough.

MaisyPops · 11/04/2017 15:26

I wouldn't go. It sounds like sh railroading you to help her out. Fine, if she was up front and needed to ask for help but she's not going about it the right way.

Maybe your DH can go and you can stay with the dogs. That way everyone wins, sort of.

Then when all this blows over you can chat to your DH about how he works his relationship with his mother. E.g. You and he are the social unit now and it's not her place to play one off, or his place to facilitate it

TheViceOfReason · 11/04/2017 15:26

So reply saying "that's very generous of you, however i cannot afford to take time unpaid from work, or to pay for the dogs to be in kennels".

It's then up to your DH what he does.

Personally if he went knowing he can't really afford to and may lose his job i'd be questioning the relationship though.

BeachyKeen · 11/04/2017 15:26

If he wants to go, he goes on his own.
Repeat, " I'm sorry I can't make it, but dh can go! I'll stay here with the dogsSmile"

Pallisers · 11/04/2017 15:30

I have suggested just him going and he was furious. Would be disrespecting his mum, why am I so ungrateful etc etc

My own theory is anyone who uses the word "disrespecting" means that you aren't doing what they want and they are very unhappy that their plans are being thwarted by your inconvenient decision to do what suits you best - nothing else.

your dh wants to go on the holiday. he wants you to go too because he intends you to spend a fair bit of time with MIL and helping with SIL so he can be more free.

I wouldn't want to go on this holiday (although I might be more likely to consider it if MIL had come and said "I need help with SIL could you help?" rather than pretending she was bestowing a favour") so I can completely understand why you wouldn't. Say no. Tell your dh he can make up his own mind. If he mentions "disrespecting" again tell him he is disrespecting you by telling you how and when you should take your holidays with his mother and sister.

LindyHemming · 11/04/2017 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stormtreader · 11/04/2017 15:31

"She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help."

Could it be that your DH and MIL are both expecting you to be this "help" while your DH gets a lovely free holiday out of it? The fact that hes "furious" about you not going suggests to me that your presence is very much required for whatever plans he has in his head to pan out and that hes angry because you not going means that he will have to spend the time helping instead of you.

1bighappyfamily · 11/04/2017 15:32

YANBU - can you actually SHOW your DH the maths? Actually on a spreadsheet?

I have to do that with my DH, but in the other direction. His stock response to everything is "We can't afford it." when actually, we can.

Trifleorbust · 11/04/2017 15:35

MargotLovedTom1:

I don't see why not. If I offer someone a used high chair or a free afternoon tea and they can't take it up, that's still me offering them a favour. She is offering to pay for accommodation and flights. Saying no thank you, we can't afford it is enough.

SapphireStrange · 11/04/2017 15:35

Tell your DH to put a sock in it.

Alternatively, more reasonably, show him the maths. Or have you? And he's still chucking his toys out of the pram?

Batghee · 11/04/2017 15:35

I think you should point blank refuse to go. Let him go if he wants. This is not your responsibility. No one else is acting with any maturity or even reason at all so let them sort it out amongst themselves!

UrsulaPandress · 11/04/2017 15:37

If you both work what do the dogs do all day?

Yes to showing him the maths.

The 'holiday' sounds awful.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/04/2017 15:42

It's not a 'Free Holiday' it's her paying your airfares for you to go and help her. As a couple you cannot afford to jeopardise your jobs (temp or not), to have time off work unpaid and kennel the dogs.

Is your DH really so thick he cannot grasp that? FFS.

I would NOT go and I'd be telling DH it could be a deal breaker if he does. You are financially insecure & he should not be making that worse because his bloody mother has clicked her fingers.

memyselfandaye · 11/04/2017 15:43

Just say you can't afford to lose the wages or the kennel fees and leave it at that.

NeedABumChange · 11/04/2017 15:45

Just reply saying sorry we can't afford not to work and you are unsure how do will cover his half of the bills if he goes.

MaverickSnoopy · 11/04/2017 15:48

You should both accrue annual leaveth though, even if temping, or have you both taken it all? So unless you have taken it then you shouldn't lose pay. You could ask at work to see what they say. If they say no then there's your answer. If they say yes then you don't actually need to say anything at all!

Assuming no annual leave pay then I agree with showing DH the figures. Although if as you say that he's happy to spend on a credit card in the absence of salary he is unlikely to listen. Possibly though in this instance you have bigger problem. What's he like generally with money?

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2017 15:52

I hate this 'ungrateful' load of bull.

Why do you have to be grateful for something you haven't asked for, don't want and will leave you out of pocket?

OP, you need to say a very firm No. Your DH must do whatever he wishes but he needs to carry the consequences if he loses his job and he needs to have a backup plan if that's the case.

Original poster
ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 15:54

Wow - thank you for the replies and it is a relief that so many people can see my pov - he had me doubting myself.

I have gone through all the figures but he's just not interested. All he can see is the opportunity for a holiday and nothing else counts. He doesn't like his job so the prospect of losing it is probably an advantage to him.

TBf, I don't think he wants me there to do all the helping. It's more about respecting his mother and sister. He thinks the sun shines out of both of them and wants me to see it that way too, but, while I don't mind their company in small doses, I don't want this. Like I also didn't want MIL to come round and paint our sitting room just after we had moved in in colours of her choice, but that happened too as it was nice of her and she had wanted to be involved. Hmm

About to go home now and dreading it. She kind of spoke as if she had sorted it on the phone I don't know how to say no as a final answer.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 11/04/2017 15:57

Perfect excuse. . Your sitting room needs redecorating!!

Catherinebee85 · 11/04/2017 16:00

I can see why you're angry. I'd be honest and just say that whilst you're grateful for the very kind offer (and other bollocks) the loss of earnings and cost of kennels would actually make it a very expensive holiday for you. Surely that's not too hard for her to understand.

Hubby can go on his own, you can look after the dogs and then you can say 'told you so' when he's no money!

Is she gonna pay for all food etc whilst he's there? Bet it'll cost a fortune!

1bighappyfamily · 11/04/2017 16:01

You just have to say no OP. It sucks but you just have to say no.

Just don't go. It's really hard but I have been there, and done it, and you just have to or you'll go mad.