To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

[ungratefulbint2017]

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today . I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

Did you go on the holiday op?

Anyway, it has come back to bite me now as I might have to walk away from all that I have put into the house.

Google the sunk costs fallacy. Basically, just cos good money/time has gone down the drain, that's not a reason to stay and chuck more money/time down the drain.

anyone who behaves the way he has is not someone you want to spend your life with. Of course he can be fun at times - he's bloody carefree because YOU are subsidising his life for him! Seriously, get out now - it will get worse, and you sure as heck do not want this chap to be the father of any poor child.

Don't have children with him. You'll be linked with him (even if you leave) forever.

Imagine life with another adult instead of this headbanging wanker.

I'm stunned that as you try to improve your career prospects and income he's reducing his... (unless he's 65)

Basically you are having a relationship with a man-child. He's spoiled by his mother and used to getting his own way and not having to work very hard.

You're 29 - a fantastic age. Time to move on from this man.

There's a saying that you should watch the film until the end. Visualise your life with him. You have a baby. He stays home with it but doesn't do much around the house. You get totally fed up of him and want a divorce. He claims as he's the SAHD the child will stay with him (and mummy) for the bulk of the week. You will be working full time and paying him to stay at home.

I would leave him. I wouldn't ask for half of the deposit, but I would insist that the difference between what you have paid in bills and what he's paid is given back to you. He reduced his hours/salary because of his mum's money. Do you really want a man who'd do that?

The fact you even think, even think of the idea of someone covering your lost wages when they take you abroad sticks out as important to me, because it suggests you might have a fundamentally unreasonable starting position in these conversations for some reason.

I'm not saying that to be unkind, and I'm certainly not saying your reasons/needs are invalid, it sounds like it might even be time to take a rain check on the holiday. I just wonder if you could put yourself in the positions of others or analyze whether/why you have massive antipathy towards this gift in the first place and whether it is really MIL's fault or due to something else she can't control. Have you fully communicated to her (or do you feel you can't) that you are living hand to mouth and dreadfully worried about time off, for instance.

Sounds like you might be BU on some level, I would at least have a think about why, and perhaps think of a compromise. I bet you can come up with a solution between you where everyone is at least partially happy. :)

Either way, NOT judging you or meaning to be horrid, I would say this to a "real life" friend.

or analyze whether/why you have massive antipathy towards this gift in the first place

Because its going to cost £1000 in lost earnings and kennel fees and mean they have to use credit cards next month just to survive.

Did you read the thread?

If the MIL's son worked a bit harder then they could take holidays. It wouldn't be a problem. But he's dropped his hours, so they are broke. He knows they're broke and is happily relying on the OP earning more in the future.

Refuse to go. You stated clearly your wishes and they ignored you.

"Because its going to cost £1000 in lost earnings and kennel fees and mean they have to use credit cards next month just to survive.

Did you read the thread?"

Yup, I read the reasons OP puts forward before I made my comment.

Oh I do hope the OP didn't go on the holiday, he did, and she used the week to work out a plan.

Any chance of an update, OP? I didn't post before, but would like to reassure you now re your comment "Really it's the sense of time running out and feeling like a failure. I'm 29 with no career, no dc and now it seems a shit/ending marriage and no house." At 29 I had newly split from the partner I'd lived with for two years. A year later I met my now-husband and had DS when I was 35. YOU ARE IN A VERY GOOD POSITION. It's your disappointment in your husband that's making you feel like a failure - you are anything but a failure.

id go and spend my time at the bottom of a bottle to handle mil if shes anything like mine lol
being self employed I know the issues with money, but also I'm desperate for a holiday. I would try to talk dh into going alone with the kids, be all nice and gushy but he too must understand that you cant both afford to lose a weeks money

good luck with what ever you decide to do

Oh OP. So you pay 70% of the costs, he's feckless with money, he cut down hours when the mortgage was smaller than the rent despite the fact he doesn't bring in very much anyway, he thinks his mother gets to choose how to decorate your home, and when you try to stand up for yourself he is abusive? That headbanging thing is straight up abuse. Doesn't get his own way, so resorts to violent self-harm in front of you.

You do have a significant MIL problem, but you have a colossal DH problem. If it's this way when you are newlyweds, can you imagine what it would be like if you had kids?

Incidentally, he lives in a house which you mainly pay for (and he cut back on the opportunity to contribute more equally) after obtaining it with a deposit his mother provided. At what point is he an adult?

Honestly I think you have a huge amount of thinking to do. And not about the holiday.

Really it's the sense of time running out and feeling like a failure. I'm 29 with no career, no dc and now it seems a shit/ending marriage and no house. I feel like it's too late to be starting over- well, not too late really I suppose but late and without any advantages. I can't believe this is all coming to a head over a week in Spain I could have just gone on...

I left uni at your age. I got married at 31; had my eldest at 34. Honestly, you're still in your 20s and you are about to qualify into a profession. If feeling as though your 20s were kind of treading water is an issue then give your head a wobble: your 20s are, these days, for growing up. MOST people don't own houses at your age now. You've got a whole new stage of life opening up ahead of you soon, and you're childfree still, educated, intelligent and young. The world is out there for you still - truly it is.

Hope things are okay - MN is always here if you need them. For a nest of vipers they can offer amazing support sometimes.

Have you actually talked directly to your MIL? And explained the problems? or is it all being done via your DH? Have you had a heart to heart with her about his back pedalling on work?

From your description she's clearly a high achiever. She might even be logical and accept your reluctance over the holiday and discuss what can be done about headbanging DH.