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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 21:37

Why don't you stay at home and your DH go. Means no kennels and one income. So less of a shortfall.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 21:38

Its not always that simple nabobs. Try educating yourself on coercive control.

Holiday or divorce is not something most people should have to face. And its completely fine that the OP is struggling with that.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 21:41

I think you've severely missed the point if you think its a case of holiday vs divorce.

MrsELM21 · 11/04/2017 21:43

Oh goodness OP, this all sounds very odd, we are in a similar situation with £20K to your £60K and it's sometimes more of a curse than a blessing.

I don't think mil is being absolutely awful, selfish yes, but not the really bad one here.

What on earth is going on with your DH? Seems like he's shirking work and the head banging/holiday insistence is really odd. Was his illness MH or something else?

Is there a genuine reason that you 'have' to go, or is it just because he's scared to say no to his mother?

I absolutely would not go, I'd deal with it quickly and simply with mil by saying 'thank you for your very kind offer, I'm afraid that we can't afford to lose my weekly wage and board the dogs but DH would love to come'

A week apart would be no bad thing by the sound of it...

What's happening now? Are you ok?

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 21:45

Ah, so what do you think happens to OP if she just refuses to go? Everyone will suddenly show some respect to her? It'll all be roses and the DH will stop accusing her of being selfish and banging his head of furniture? Because I think you've missed the point massively of the OP dealing with reasonable people.

user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 21:46

Can't you explain to mil that you're too skint and you're very sorry but doing your pgce is a huge stretch in itself

ohtheholidays · 11/04/2017 21:51

You have no children and you've only been married 2 years honestly 2017 get out now before you waist any more of your life on this toxic relationship.

There should only be 2 of you in a marriage,there's 3 in your marriage Your husband,your Mil and then you,if you think it's bad now you wait if you decide to have children it would be your husband and your Mil,you will be the last thought always when it comes to them and they're relationship,get out now before it gets anymore complicated.

Cuppaoftea · 11/04/2017 21:58

Well done Op, stand firm.

Whatever he says, however he acts try and keep calm and repeat that you can't afford to take the holiday from work and lose the pay. Ask him again how he's going to pay his share of the mortgage/bills if he loses his job.

On the house deposit from your MIL. My husband and I have both recently been gifted advanced inheritance by a family member on each side which gave us the deposit we needed to buy our house and the money to spend on work that needs doing to it straight away. We are incredibly grateful but neither family member would want us to feel beholden to them. Or choose what colour to paint our living room!

She gave your husband the deposit, she did not buy the whole house for you. You're working hard to pay the majority of the mortgage eaxh month. I'd be reminding him of that.

Secretly seek legal advice regarding the house. Were you to split he'll get his inheritance but if you're paying most of the mortgage you need to ensure you would receive your fair share of any equity.

He knows full well you're actually in the stronger position career wise and will be the much higher earner in the future and he's trying to control you in to fully supporting him financially. And using the deposit from his Mum to confuse you in to thinking you're financially beholden to them both.

Flowers
NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 22:00

Ah, so what do you think happens to OP if she just refuses to go?

I think she won't go, for a start. Stop telling her she can't refuse to go, you're very unhelpful.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 22:03

Stop telling her she can't refuse to go, you're very unhelpful.
I'm not telling her she can't, her DH and MIL are making her feel that. But comparing this to something as trivial as a free meal is unhelpful.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 22:04

That was talking about the semantics of the word "free". Surely that was obvious enough? Hmm

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 22:06

Oh yes, pointing out the guilt tripping by DH is semantically correct is very helpful Hmm

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 22:08

Using the right words is always helpful. Try it some time.

RortyCrankle · 11/04/2017 22:08

Of course YANBU. Your 'D'H sounds awful. My 3 year old DN used to bang her head repeatedly on a stone floor if she didn't get her way - it's beyond absurd for an adult to behave like that.

Stand your ground and don't go. Maybe repaint your living room in a colour of YOUR choice while he is away. And personally I would be having a long and hard think about whether you want to continue to spend your life with a man-baby who will ALWAYS put his mother above you. I wouldn't be having children with him either.

Good luck, please stay strong - say NO and mean NO. Flowers

Original poster
ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 22:10

Well, what a shit he's being. He's not come back and his phone's off so I don't know where he is or when he'll be back. I feel so sick of it now. Mil rang earlier but I didn't answer - I don't know what to say to her. Reading through it all I feel like an idiot and I think it's all coming down to money. We have agreed to try for a baby once I have been teaching for a year and plan for him to be the sahd. Now I'm not sure it's such a good idea, though I will be the higher earner so it makes sense in that way, but I just don't get why he doesn't want to earn more now.

We met working abroad and I save up about £2K. When we got back he persuaded me we needed a holiday, which I paid for and within a few months the whole lot was gone. But he is great in lots of ways and funny, great around the house a brilliant cook. It's not like he doesn't do anything, but his attitude to money constantly makes me nervous.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 22:13

On semantics paid for flights and accomodation is solely paid for flights and accomodation - its not a paid for holiday. So no, this isn't a free holiday. Its a potentially discounted holiday.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 22:19

op DH and I came from very different financial views, it took us a while to reconcile them. However we did manage it because we both wanted to reconcile them. I'm not getting the vibe from you that you feel your DH would be willing. Would he, or you at least, consider counselling? It sounds like you could do with someone to help you meet in the middle over finances at least, if not this holiday.

BareBum · 11/04/2017 22:24

Is there any particular reason why he isn't looking for a full time job with prospects etc.?

BareBum · 11/04/2017 22:25

Full time and permanent, I mean.

MilesHuntsWig · 11/04/2017 22:29

OP I'm sorry you're having to put up with this crap. TBH his mum has probably had some input to why he is like this wrt money and so prob won't understand where you're coming from either. That's not to say you're not right.

His behaviour is very childish, disrespectful and, frankly, odd.

You need to sort this out with him ( via counselling if necessary as a pp has suggested) ASAP. If he unilaterally makes decisions about whether he needs to work or not in spite of you not being very stable, what is he going to do as a SAHD? It's not going to be easy... and you won't be able to pick up the slack as a FT teacher during term time.

Really sorry this has happened.

(No worries wrt previous comment Laiste).

MilesHuntsWig · 11/04/2017 22:30

*stable financially obviously

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2017 22:34

OP, you two are on very different pages financially, which is pretty crucial.

You need to talk. And not about a 'holiday'.

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/04/2017 22:40

He's an immature cocklodger in training, why should you earn you earn so he can sit on his arse

You will work to keep hi m and the kids at home, and when you've had enough he will get the kids and the house and you will have to pay him to stay there.

HanShootsFirst · 11/04/2017 22:42

Wouldn't be surprised if MIL actually winds up doing any child raising while you work and your DH does f all. Guess how much respect for you your own child will be raised with in that situation?

Your DH is massively taking advantage of you and your earning potential. Unless he shows some signs of becoming a financially responsible adult, having children with him is a massively bad idea.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 22:43

On semantics paid for flights and accomodation is solely paid for flights and accomodation - its not a paid for holiday

Flights and accomodation IS a holiday.

A cocklodger whose family have contributed many multiples of what OP has to their house.....