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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 13/04/2017 11:17

You're 29. You have DECADES in front of you.

Don't waste them on him.

Batteriesallgone · 13/04/2017 11:46

You're 29 so you've got what, around 15 fertile years ahead of you? Plenty of time to move on.

Please don't settle. You are worth more than that. Being poor and independent is better than being someone else's chattel.

Lunde · 13/04/2017 12:05

29 is not old - but it will feel like eternity married to the wrong man

I was 29 when EA DH1 decamped to live with OW - yet in the years following

  • met and married DH2
  • moved country and learned a new language
  • had DCs at 34 and 36
  • studied for degrees and a PhD in my 40s (in another language)

Do not allow your fear of change to leave you with this manchild and shouldering the financial burden for the family

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2017 12:08

You are not too old at all!

But you are too old to put up with his crap.

Go and go soon!

AlternativeTentacle · 13/04/2017 12:16

29???

I hadn't even started at 29, let alone it being too late.

Crikey. Get away from this funsucker.

ohfourfoxache · 13/04/2017 12:17

29 is not old! You've got so much time ahead of you, don't let this idiot rob of it

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 12:28

Oh, OP. Look into the future. Forty years of settling for this? Really?? Or a few years of refiguring things out, and then getting what you deserve? And you deserve WAY better than you are getting right now.

This isn't really about a trip to Spain. That's almost a sidepoint. It just happens to have really brought out the underlying issue in full relief. Honestly, get down on the floor and kiss the ground that you do not have DC with this guy. Then get back up, dust yourself off, and start making plans for your departure. You WILL find a way to succeed, and you're going to do it a hell of a lot better without a millstone and his DM round your neck.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 12:31

Incidentally, by general standards now, it's very average to have your first DC in your mid-thirties. That would give you at LEAST five years to get yourself untangled out of this mess, set yourself back up, do your PGCE, and find/trial/test-drive multiple potential future mates.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/04/2017 12:59

Got to agree with the others, 29 is far too young to decide that you need to put up with this sort of shit rather than cut loose and start again.

I broke up with first fiancé at 29 (ok, he broke it off but BEST THING EVER) and met DH at 35 - 2 DSs later, it's all good.

Thing is, the longer you stay with this prick, the more entrenched you'll feel you've become - get out now while you still can, and while you don't have children. Never mind what his MIL thinks about you being good for him - she's probably just massively relieved that anyone wanted him after so long!!

No, you have to decide what is best for YOU - and quite frankly, I can't see it being staying with this manipulative manchild. Move on and find someone who respects you.

Hissy · 13/04/2017 13:09

Sell the house, take HALF the money raised - INC half the £60k as it was a gift YOU inspired and was given to you both, and get the fuck out of dodge.

You are not old at all!! trust me, its only because you are with someone older who sucks the fun out of life with his barmy family that you feel so aged.

shit, I feel exhausted listening to this exchange you are enduring, never mind how you must be feeling.

Your MIL has the option to cancel a holiday, but there is no need for you to bail your unit out because you are forced to go on a holiday you don't' want to go on and can't afford the expenses of.

this stuff gets easier when you are as old as the hills as I am, you're not expected to know how to deal with this at a young age, and your DH and his family know this and are taking advantage

Cadsuane · 13/04/2017 13:19

Half of my department didn't go into teaching till they were your age or older and we always like when we get mature students as they are likely to have a better understanding of what is expected and more of a drive to succeed.

Mothervulva · 13/04/2017 13:31

Not too late, not at all. Get legal advice and make sure you get all that you are entitled to financially.

OttoChocoLab · 13/04/2017 13:34

Goodness OP, you're 29! You're young, you have all the time in the world to start again if that's what you want to do!

A very dear friend of mine split with her OH recently, after many years together. They didn't have dcs together either. She's 45. She says it was the best thing she ever did. She's now so happy.

Please don't think it's too late for you to put yourself first and start again. It's really not.

Stand your ground, don't go on that holiday and (although I don't usually think it's right to tell strangers on the internet they should leave their spouses based on a few paragraphs of information about their lives), seriously consider your future with your Dh and weather you want one with him at all. Good luck.

AtomHeart · 13/04/2017 16:30

Don't stay with him just so that you can fund your PGCE!

Chloe84 · 13/04/2017 18:00

Sell the house, take HALF the money raised - INC half the £60k as it was a gift YOU inspired and was given to you both, and get the fuck out of dodge.

I agree, Hissy.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/04/2017 18:40

Great post Hissy, listen up OP 💐

girlywhirly · 13/04/2017 19:34

Absolutely. And half the home contents, whatever you don't like or need you can sell.

Please get proper legal advice though. It is much easier to have a clean break when there are no DC involved, and even though your 'D'H is very low on emotional intelligence I can imaging he won't take a separation easily.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 13/04/2017 19:52

At 29 you have plenty of years ahead of you to make the life you want and deserve but only if you allow yourself the opportunity. Do you think your life with him is going to be any better 5, 10 years from now?

My lovely SIL didn't want to be a divorcee and is now a shadow of her former self, it all about making him happy even if its at the expense of her happiness.

Reow · 13/04/2017 19:57

It's not too late to move on and be happy OP.

Sounds like you deserve better than this, and you'd be wasting yourself on this man.

Don't give up on yourself so young.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 14/04/2017 09:31

OP at 29 you have time to get your dream career, meet someone else & have a family. Please do not let time make you settle.

This is not normal behaviour from a partner and he is acting like a man child. It's unacceptable to not be contributing fairly to your household & for him to be turning down permanent work.

If he hasn't stood up for you by now with MIL he never will.

You sound lovely & deserve more.

Logolphin · 14/04/2017 10:05

He is draining you. Use the time while he is in Spain to see a solicitor and make a plan. Take what you are entitled to and move away. You would have saved a lot more without him so you are entitled to a fair share.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/04/2017 18:18

I do understand how you feel. I was even younger than you when I broke up with my first long term, living together other half. I too felt 'too old to start again' & like I was a million miles away from where I had wanted to be at that age etc. Of course I didn't listen to friends or family telling me otherwise, I thought they were all just being nice. We don't know you, we don't have to be nice...😉 We are telling you that 29 is very young & you've plenty of time to get your life on track. You've got a LOT of your life to live. Of the approx 60 adult years you'll live, you lived 9. A couple of them with H. It's really & honestly a small part of your adult life. Don't fuck the rest of it up because you made a mistake. Accept that. Cut your losses & move on. I don't know how to help you 'hear' what we are saying...I just know I wish I could.

mcdog · 15/04/2017 07:30

Is he going to go OP? I hope he does, this will give you breathing space to work out your priorities.

buckeejit · 15/04/2017 08:01

I think it's possible to save this if you love him & you're both willing to work on things. Relate or similar counselling would help. Agree with pp who says his mother has had years of grooming him this way-sounds like his sis also owns him somewhat

kath6144 · 15/04/2017 09:44

Oh Op, I feel so sad for you reading your last updates.

29 is still very young, as others have said, many people have not yet started out in careers/relationships then.

I met my DH at 30.5. Was financially independant, as was he, both owning our own homes. Married at almost 34, DC1 born a year later, DC2 when I was 37.

We have both been on the same sheet work-wise and financially from day 1, both work in professional jobs, although I went PT after DC. But all money shared, all accounts joint.

We are now in a good position financially and I can see us giving some money to DC in their twenties, despite them also having some inheritance money from a relative of mine. However, assuming they use it for houses, we would never want a say in what they bought, how they decorate it etc. I would also not want to force them to come on holiday with me!

If you were my DD, I would say please re-consider this relationship. Dont have DC with this man. You will resent him, and ultimately probably lose your DC, if he has been a SAHD.

At 38, why does he not want a decent job, to contribute to the family income? I can never understand men like this. My DB has never worked, lives off his wife, and used to live off our late DM when alive.

Compare this to my DS19. Worked at 6th form, can afford not to work at uni, as we give him an allowance and he has his past earnings. But has been desperate for his old employer (a uk wide retail company) to advertise weekend posts in his uni city. He is starting with them next weekend, longer hours than he prefers so he will have to juggle with his studies. He knows he doesnt have to work, but he wants to, he just wants to earn his own money!!!

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