To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

[ungratefulbint2017]

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today . I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

I would be asking him why he's so keen to upset and disrespect his wife - surely he is supposed to consider you before his mum.

I would be tempted to call mil to confirm that she understands that it's nothing personal ok crosd your fingers for that bit, a little white lie like that is needed occasionally! and that she understands that you can't go for a number of reasons (and list them) so she understands that she must not buy you a ticket as it won't get used. Then follow up with a text and an email so she can't say you didn't have the conversation or claim not to know.

Maybe copy in your dh so he can see that you are not going to change your mind. And then tell your mil that you wish she hadn't put your dh in a position where he needs to choose between keeping her happy and losing his job as a result of it probably, along with the stress of then having no income when you are already stretched and finding a new job, all to spend considerable sums on a trip abroad that isn't going to be a proper holiday - or he has to keep his wife happy and stay in his job and upset his mother. It's not fair of her to put him in this position, particularly when she knows the serious financial consequences it would have on both of you.

He is probably at his mum's now - but it also might be worth telling her that you are worried he is having a breakdown as a result of her interferring in your lives and imposing what must seem like hobson' choice on him.

Thought I would give an update and it's not great tbh. He came back late Tuesday night and just went on about how selfish I am. Apparently he doesn't want to go without me as I will 'hold it against him' and 'go on about it forever' like I always do. I don't think I do that but he says I do. Think he is mainly talking about an occasion last summer when he and I planned a day at the seaside and his sister rang him and had a huge go at him because she had come to a cricket match in our city and then he wasn't there to attend with her - she had fil with her so it didn't seem a big deal. I told him then he needed to stand up to her more, but I only did that because after she had rung he was moody all day and it ruined our trip.

He has also given up a season ticket to a cricket club in sil's hometown (Fil used to get it for him as a birthday present) 'because of me'. I did complain about it because he would be gone for half the weekend throughout the summer and it felt like he wasn't committed to living here with me. However, I didn't insist he gave it up/issue ultimatums or anything like that.

I don't know. I'm sure I am unreasonable about a lot of stuff but I feel like he is too? Starting to feel like it was a mistake coming to live here - I have no friends here apart from colleagues and starting to feel a bit isolated. If we were to split I don't think I could do my PGCE as I wouldn't be entitled to anything from the house and would be back to renting, which is so expensive- our mortgage is well below £200 per month.

He's an absolute dickhead, and you should leave him before it gets worse (which it will).

But don't you see the irony in complaining about his connections to his family (which you are fair enough to complain about) while subsidising your life on his mothers money? Your mortgage is so low because of her gift. You can't take with one hand and give out with the other.

Get rid of the lot of them.

I can't stress strongly enough that this guy is going to hold you back in life, so much. I doubt you'll get your PGCE if you STAY with him because he will not step up to the mark to make it possible.

If you want to have a decent life, leave him & re plan.

If you really want to do a PGCE you will make it happen when your life if YOUR OWN.

Someone who thinks so little of you now that he says/thinks those things is NOT going to get any nicer.

You deserve SO much more than this.

Don't be scared to admit you've made a mistake marrying him. It is what it is. Just wake up and be brave - you do not need this shit for the rest if your life. Get out now before you bring kids into it & make life a million times more complicated.

It's ok to admit you made a mistake - you don't have to keep making it day after day!

I totally see the irony, yes. But it wasn't my decision to make at the time and, short of leaving dh, I had to benefit from it too. I honestly don't know what else I could have done. She also told dh that one of the reasons she wanted to give him the money when she did was that he was finally settling down with someone sensible (me). I think someone upthread mentioned him being young, but he's 38.

Anyway, it has come back to bite me now as I might have to walk away from all that I have put into the house. As things stand, I'm not going away but dh probably is.

Walk away.

Walk away & be free from this shit.

You are married and you have been earning the lions share, you should get something out of the house, but even if you don't, it's probably no worse than rent you would have paid. Even if it is, it doesn't matter. It's a relatively short period of your life compared to the next 60 years.

If it were me, I'd move out while he's away. But it took a few life lessons to get me to this point, I hope some good can come of them by helping others see it sooner! 😊

OP, I'm so glad that you've come back, with an update. It's so easy to hide away from the truth, especially when it hurts.
We are here to support you.
If you have a joint mortgage, surely there will be something in the pot for you.
Sometimes, to realise a mistake, we unfortunately, have to live it for a while. You know the old saying, love is blind.
How old are you Lovely ?

Why are you not entitled to something?

Atm you are paying more for living than he is. I appreciate you won't want to take too much as his mum gave a huge deposit, but after that any equity should be shared (and not equally by the sound of it).

I know you're upset at the moment but please go and get proper legal advice before you just walk away (and walk away you should).

As to the PGCE, are there not still Skitt or equivalent school-based training where you get paid? That plus a part time job(hard) or some benefits/bursary would make it doable.

Don't give up.

And if he's 38 and behaving like this, it will only get worse! How old are you?

If you would have been happy to continue renting, you would have been paying more money per month and having nothing to show at the end of it, so I don't see you as losing much by having been forced into paying a small mortgage and walking away with very little!

Walk away now, you will be forever made scared by his financial disregard, never mind him always being at him mums beck and call!

Youve been married less than two years and hes already doing the "throw tiny disagreements from the past back in your face" thing. this is only going to get worse.
If he were to become a SAHD, you can guarantee that "you stopped me having a career because you were too selfish to not work" would be added to the list.

This happened to us last year and we are still in debt for it :(

How are you entitled to nothing?

The house is in both your names and you've been paying the mortgage!

Op, please go to a solicitor and have a chat so you have all the info. Don't feel trapped unnecessarily

I don't know - it's not really about the money itself, which I know would have been spent on rent anyway and I certainly wouldn't touch his mother's money. Really it's the sense of time running out and feeling like a failure. I'm 29 with no career, no dc and now it seems a shit/ending marriage and no house. I feel like it's too late to be starting over- well, not too late really I suppose but late and without any advantages. I can't believe this is all coming to a head over a week in Spain I could have just gone on...

You sound so much like my friend and her ex I can't believe it - so very, very similar. She absolutely adores her children of course, but seriously regrets having them with him. All the alarm bells that you have, she had, but she felt railroaded and finally having to end the marriage 10 years later and sort things out with dc has been incredibly painful and difficult, and made all the harder because he is like a child too. Massive, massive alarm bells here OP and 29 is definitely not too late in the slightest - in fact I'd say it was perfect timing. Please make your 30s a fresh start.

You have to contrast that though with "now im 10 years down the line, Im 39, there are kids to consider, hes still being a toddler about everything, his mum is still running your life." Is that where you want to be?

I wouldn't worry about being a 'failure in life'. Age 31, my LTR broke up, leaving me sleeping on friends' floors, in a different country from my family and utterly shattered.
I'm now 43, happily married, have 3 amazing children and a freelance career that is well enough paid that I can be home with my children out of school hours. And we have more than 50% equity in a house bought 7 years ago.
Im very conscious that this was mostly luck, and in between there were a couple of nervous breakdowns etc, so not all plain sailing, but the point is: you have plenty of time.

Are there any family members who'd stay at the house and watch the dogs? My daughter is 19 nearly 20 and stays with family/friends dogs for £10/£20 a day when they're away. Much cheaper than kennelling and less stressful for the dogs?

ps - the banging of the head to show what you've pushed him to, the only willing to work as much as is necessary to earn just enough to cover minimum outgoings... it's all the same as my friend has been through and she always hoped he'd grow out of it but she felt responsible for him and he turned into a forlorn puppy when she tried to get out before the marriage so she felt too bad and too disorientated to walk away before dc were involved...

Big mistake.

Run away, my love. You're no way a failure. I can think of dozens of strong women who weren't matched or interestingly employed at your age. In our 40s now and all bar one have happy partnerships, children and careers. The one who hasn't is awesome- no dcs but amazing business and life we all envy her

You aren't a failure. 29 is no age at all. From next year you're starting out on a rewarding and tough professional career.
Your Husband on the other hand has decided to settle. He has a house and someone to pay the mortgage so he doesn't need to work much, let alone build a career. Once you are earning more he can stay at home and be a sahd, whether or not you want that; because it's not up to you is it? Just like it's not up to you whether you accept money from your MIL, whether she decorates your house, whether she takes you on holiday..... He will take as much help as you or his Mum are prepared to offer, as long as no-one disagrees with him...
My first ever LTB, OP. Do it soon, before you feel that it's too late for kids and a better life. Do not have a baby with him.

Oh dear, OP, the situation you are in sounds untenable.

It seems that your dh is willingly at the beck and call of his family, arrangements with you are unimportant, you must be dropped or arrangements changed when they blow their bugle and your dh seems to agree with them. You and your life with your dh are a distant second to him and his family, you are not the selfish one here.

Your dh seems unable to compromise, the dynamic of your relationship is off kilter, you are not equals, he is incapable of rational discussion with you, you don't agree on what you want to achieve as a couple and how to get there. Financially you are poles apart and unable to find a middle ground. The resentment all the above will cause will grind you down.

Please, as other posters have suggested, take legal advice as to what you are entitled to and then consider carefully your options:

Stay with things as they are.

Whether it is possible to change the relationship to a more balanced one, compromise on both sides where necessary, a shared perspective on the future and how to achieve that.

Walk away and build a future on your own, however difficult that may be initially.

OP I didn't MEET DH until I was 29. 11 years on, we are married and have two gorgeous children. You have plenty of time. My brother is in his late 30s and is only getting married now. You have tonnes of time to sort yourself out - don't live life being miserable.

I was 28 when I finally left xh. Had to go back to my parents for a while and was in a world of technically joint debt - that he'd convinced me to take out in my name - that the small proceeds from our house barely touched. I'm now debt free, house owning again, married to a DH who is willing to work largely to come to a compromise if we disagree (especially on his family) and have two dc who did call wonderful if it were holidays and I've just physically had to separate them .

Run while you can

You are very young OP, many young women don't marry these days, until they are early thirties. Lots of first time Mum's , are in their early forties. You are well on your way to a career, and with grit, you'll get there.
If you were my daughter, I would ask you to seriously consider your future, as you very much have one, the alternative, will be sporadic happiness, but ultimately, misery.
Sending you strength, and a much needed hug.