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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 11/04/2017 22:45

We have agreed to try for a baby once I have been teaching for a year and plan for him to be the sahd.

No no no !!! Just imagine the scenario if you have DC and then split. He will be the main carer and this will put you in a very difficult position.

This is not a healthy relationship to throw DC's into the mix.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/04/2017 22:45

Take your talent, your work ethic and your half of the house and leave before he drains you financially and emotionally.

You will have nothing if you stay with this work shy leech, nothing.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 22:46

Flights and accomodation IS a holiday.
No they're two optional components of a holiday. A caravan break is a holiday to an awful lot of people.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 22:49

Keep working on those semantics, you don't seem to have a handle on the meanings of most words.
Hmm

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 11/04/2017 22:53

It is a bit worrying that you can't refuse the holliday as you would be thought as "disrespecting" his mother. And the painting your flat too.
Do you find you always have to go with what she says/wants? Do you find she has a lack of boundaries and empathy? Will she create drama if you don't go along with her plans? How does she take critiscism?
If the answer is yes/very badly to those, you might want to look up narcissism/narcissistic personnality/narcissistic enmeshment.

In any case OP YANBU. Also make sure your H understands that SAHP is as much work as a paid full time job, it's a lot of work.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 22:55

Which word am I struggling with oh wise nabobs?

Holiday - an extended period of leisure and recreation, especially one spent away from home or in travelling.
Flight - the action or process of flying through the air.
Accommodation - a room, group of rooms, or building in which Component - constituting part of a larger whole; constituent.^
Free - without cost or payment.
Semantics - the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. The two main areas are logical semantics, concerned with matters such as sense and reference and presupposition and implication, and lexical semantics, concerned with the analysis of word meanings and relations between them.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 11/04/2017 22:56

his attitude to money constantly makes me nervous

Re-phrase that as "his attitude to MY money constantly makes me nervous"....because it's YOUR money that his funding his lifestyle.

When we got back he persuaded me we needed a holiday, which I paid for and within a few months the whole lot was gone
That should have raised red flags.

he has cut down his working hours since we bought the house for instance as our tiny mortgage costs a lot less than rent used to
Costs him less - YOU are the one paying 70% of household costs!

We have agreed to try for a baby once I have been teaching for a year and plan for him to be the sahd
Wtf?! Shock
So basically it's your job to pay for him to live the life of riley? Hmm
You do realise that if he became a SAHD and then you split - he would get main residence of your dc, the house, maint/fin support and a claim on your pension?

It's YOU that's paying for everything! Yet somehow you should be grateful to them??

have you always had issues with assertiveness and self confidence?
you need to use this situation to wake up and smell the coffee - hopefully whilst he's away in spain
You're being taken for a mug.

a pp mentioned he was on the way to becoming a cocklogder - well i say he definitely is!
he's a manipulative, controlling - and most likely narcissistic - cocklodging pathetic excuse for a man.

he doesn't love you. you're his cash cow.

pepperpot99 · 11/04/2017 22:58

LTB

Gingernaut · 11/04/2017 23:04

You must not have a baby with this piss taker! Ever!

A free holiday which puts you thousands out of pocket and could, potentially, cost you your jobs is not worth having.

Start separating your finances and see how he likes the idea of a 50/50 split in the bills. I'm guessing he won't.

He hasn't had to work 'for real' as you and his doting mummy have been paying his way for him.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 23:06

he has cut down his working hours since we bought the house for instance as our tiny mortgage costs a lot less than rent used to

If two of my friend's hadn't gone through similar I wouldn't have believed it was true that someone would pull a stunt like this in a relationship. These two friends are only connected to me and don't know each other at all. In both cases their OHs claimed all their finances were joint as they were in partnerships but both claimed they should pay less towards rent because they had other rent-free options mummy and were doing the friend a favour by moving in with them into overly expensive accommodation of their choosing, even though both friends could have rented far cheaper and smaller accommodation.

I know your case is different op, because the house would have been bought anyway and she chose to go on the mortgage, but if you had still been renting would you have put up with that?

JeNeBaguetteRien · 11/04/2017 23:12

Just echoing Couldn'tmakethisshitup.

My friend is trapped in her marriage to SAHD but 2 DC. Her H is a lazy shit but she can't leave as he is primary carer for the DC and she's worried they would live with him in the event of a split (which is highly likely given her job and difficult she'd have organising childcare). She's worried her son will think this is normal and her daughter will spend her life working to support a man as that is their role model.

Honestly, tell them to go on holiday and use the time to consult with a solicitor. You say there are positives to your DH but it's only just enough to keep you hooked, he won't take responsibility or look after you if needed. If you have children with him you'll be trapped. Run while you can. Far, far from this toxic situation. Honestly, you'll look back and be so glad you did. Alternatively stay and look back in years to come thinking why the hell you stayed.

innagazing · 11/04/2017 23:23

Just a thought, but sil probably gets disability allowance or Pips, so that she can pay for the care and help she requires. I'm not sure how you'd bring it up, but maybe this could be paid to Dh as he will be doing a lot of the care for her during this holiday.

That may go a long way to cover his loss of wages. OP stays home to look after the dogs. Dh shouldn't railroad her to go!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/04/2017 23:42

You need to leave this cocklodging manchild.

Wake up my love. He's happy you're paying 70% of the bills. He turned down a job because he doesn't need it now -WTAF? He's planning to be a SAHD because you'll be the higher earner...yes because you're working towards a goal whilst he arses about.

Your life will be a misery with him. Yes you're married, I understand you don't want to admit that was a bad decision, but trust me, better now than when you have a couple of kids. Get out. Start again. You will look back & wonder what you took you so long.

If you don't leave now you will look back on this episode and wish you'd taken it as the wake up call it should have been.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/04/2017 23:43

I wish I'd refreshed before posting, JeNe has already said what I said. I hope you listen.

MrsLupo · 11/04/2017 23:45

It's a LTB from me, I'm afraid. Only my second, I think. This is not about the holiday. The holiday stuff was bad enough, but MIL getting to decorate the living room to her liking rings a big fat alarm bell for me. And then there was the unsolicited house deposit, and now we have headbanging histrionics. None of this is going to get any better. Your DH is manipulating and manoeuvring you, and is clearly shovelling the shit down the line at you, in the sense that he is accustomed to being manipulated in turn by MIL. Probably the acoholic in the background manipulates her in turn too. Who knows how many generations this has been going on for, or how many family members have been sucked in. And if you stay with him and have DCs, guess who the shit will get shovelled along to over the many years to come. Speaking as the child of such a family, I can tell you it is not a good start to life. Run for the hills, OP, this is only going to get much, much worse.

EweAreHere · 12/04/2017 00:06

Consult a solicitor and tell him what you've posted here re money, jobs, income, his plans to be a sahd, etc.

He will tell you to run like the wind. Your OH and his mum will soon be living together raising your child while you pay for it all.

Do not have a child with this man.

Areyoulocal · 12/04/2017 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absofrigginlootly · 12/04/2017 01:48

OP you need to read the books Toxic parents and Toxic in laws both by Susan forward.

Google narcissistic mothers and engulfing behaviour
And FOG (fear obligation guilt)

Think long and hard about your future with this man.

Having DC changes everything and you don't want their dysfunctional family dynamics impacting on your DC. This will only not happen if your DH is aware and onboard. At the moment he sounds fully engaged in the FOG

This is NOT about a holiday which is definitely not free and you shouldn't go on

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2017 02:17

The headbanging thing probably happened because he learned as a child that it worked on his mother when he didnt get his own way.

You are basically dealing with a stroppy demanding tantrumming toddler.

Still want to have a baby with him?

SquashedToes · 12/04/2017 03:39

He sounds like a lazy f*! I'd be seriously worried one so young is so unmotivated to work and lacks ambition.

On the holiday front I'd call MIL (or if you have time meet her for a cuppa) and explain it's very kind of her but even with her paying the fares and accommodation you just can't afford it due to loss of earnings and the dog. Tell her you would be happy for DH to go though.

If she's not reasonable about that then I wouldn't worry about being rude and offending her, you've done as much as you can.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/04/2017 05:31

So now he's sulking and punishing you as well? Love-ly!
Not.
Please don't go on to have children with him, it's not going to work out well for you :(

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/04/2017 06:24

This sounds horrendous! Good luck op,I'd get out while the going is good!

emmyhNL · 12/04/2017 06:27

OP: wake up. This man isn't going to change. He's on for a free ride and you're letting him. He spent all your savings, turned down stable work. Has little to no responsibility, pays 30% of monthly payments.

He's a waste of space. Stand up for yourself and use some of the wording suggested here.

I'd be making a plan to leave and getting myself secure asap

AnyFucker · 12/04/2017 07:09

You have been warned. Have dc with this man and you will live to regret it

As became clear very quickly, you have a problem with your husband, not your MIL

redexpat · 12/04/2017 07:28

My own theory is anyone who uses the word "disrespecting" means that you aren't doing what they want and they are very unhappy that their plans are being thwarted by your inconvenient decision to do what suits you best - nothing else.
Amen to that.

Banging his head is either controlling or mentally ill.

Id also be tempted to feed him lentils for a month or so. Actions have consequences.

Life is hard enough. Your partner is supposed to make life easier, not harder.