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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:53

Sorry - it's not the first time she's railroaded me and AIBU to effuse to go even if she buys a ticket for me?

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 11/04/2017 14:54

Just tell him to go on his own? He can't force you to go?

Xmasbaby11 · 11/04/2017 14:55

Maybe just your dh could go?

GertrudeBelle · 11/04/2017 14:55

It's cheaper than any other holiday though, no? You are saving the cost of the accommodation and flights.

For your (financial) argument to have traction you need to be able to say that you aren't going to take any holidays at all. Otherwise the alternative is to spend more money.

If the argument is really about not going on this particular holiday with MIL (which would be entirely valid) then you need to say so.

glenthebattleostrich · 11/04/2017 14:55

Refuse to go and refuse to bail your partner out next month when he has no money.

Pouncival · 11/04/2017 14:56

no holiday is cheaper if the OP can't afford it

Xmasbaby11 · 11/04/2017 14:57

If he goes on his own, it won't cost as much as you won't have to pay for kennels. That seems like a good compromise.

Is it about the money, or would you refuse even if you could afford it?

Original poster
ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 15:02

No plans for holidays this year - we may camp a bit in the summer if we can find somewhere dog-friendly maybe for a long weekend or two, but I had got it straight in my head we weren't going away. DH has had a fair bit of time off this year due to illness so we're even worse than off than usual. She says this is why she wants to treat us - but making us more skint than we already are won't help.

I would not want to go if the financial side wasn't there. Have been away with her before and it's a case of spend every minute together - I found it really stifling.

I have suggested just him going and he was furious. Would be disrespecting his mum, why am I so ungrateful etc etc

OP posts:
LottieDoubtie · 11/04/2017 15:02

Does kennels for two dogs really cost 1000 a week?

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 11/04/2017 15:05

No, they are counting the loss of earnings as well.

LottieDoubtie · 11/04/2017 15:08

Ah I see! Sorry - idiot moment!

I think you're being a bit harsh then OP, I get that you don't want to go (fair enough!) but I think you have to own that decision and then hold firm.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 11/04/2017 15:08

@lottie - dog kennels for two dogs plus each of their wages easily could!

MatildaTheCat · 11/04/2017 15:09

Lot tie, it's loss of earning for two people and the kennels.

OP,mshe actually wants help for the holiday and she probably does see this as a good solution for you all. Text her right back and explain that you are going to be approx £1k down and simply can't afford it as its not been planned for. Can she afford to help further?

In the end it sounds as if you probably will have to end up going in which case the only way forward is to have a nice time. But put a stop to this idealisation that the holiday is a free gift as it simply isn't.

neuuushoooos · 11/04/2017 15:13

I'm with pp - text her back asap being extremely grateful for the kind offer but explaining you can't afford the £1k loss of earnings.

Are yours and partners' finances separate?

robinia · 11/04/2017 15:13

I wouldn't go.
It's messing with your finances and it's not your choice of a holiday. If dh wants to go he can. Why is he so incapable of seeing what the issue is?

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 11/04/2017 15:14

Of course it is a free holiday. If you had won a free holiday in a competition, that would be a free holiday. Lost earnings and dog costs is your own affair.

Not that it matters. You don't want the free holiday. Just say so. What is with all the angst? you're a grown adult, you can only be railroaded if you allow yourself to be.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/04/2017 15:16

That would not be my idea of a holiday. She has invited you because she needs help, but she's selling it as a 'free holiday'.

Tell your DH you would rather pitch up a tent and spend quality time with him than spend the whole of your precious time off work with his DM and doing what she wants to do.

If he wants to go and look after her he can, but there's no sugar coating this as a 'free holiday' because the real motive is to be looked after.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 11/04/2017 15:17

Sounds like hell even without the financial side of things. You really need to act now as when flights are booked its too late and you do not want to be over there resentful.

"Mil, thanks so much for the offer, I appreciate the sentiment but for many reasons I will not be going. Dh can go if he wishes, you have obviously discussed this but I will not be joining you. I don't want to fall out with anyone so best we just leave it there but I am very grateful for your offer and hope you have a lovely time"

MargotLovedTom1 · 11/04/2017 15:17

Has she addressed the loss of earnings issue?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 11/04/2017 15:17

Going as a 'helper / carer is no holiday' . Let him go and help. It's his dm!! Have a lovely break at home with your dogs!! Much better company than mil I expect?!
Wouldn't bother me if I was accused of being ungrateful either!! Grin

seven201 · 11/04/2017 15:18

I agree with others and say although it's her treat you will actually lose £1k due to loss of earnings and kenels, which you simply can't afford. Say grateful things but end with a form not possible.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2017 15:19

What is with all the angst?

The angst is because her husband wants her to go and is angry if she won't, and her mother in law has booked the tickets so she is being railroaded.

Op your two options are go or don't go. That's it you don't have any other options. If you go you will resent it. If you don't your husband and mother in law will resent you. Either way someone is unhappy. You're just going to have to call it.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 11/04/2017 15:20

The angst is because her husband wants her to go and is angry if she won't, and her mother in law has booked the tickets so she is being railroaded

Then she needs to simply say no to both of them. Again, you can only be railroaded if you sit on the tracks.

Trifleorbust · 11/04/2017 15:22

Fair enough to not want to go. I would go against the grain here and say it is massively unreasonable to expect someone who is in fact offering you a free holiday (albeit one you can't afford to go on) to cover loss of earnings. You want to be compensated when someone is doing you a bit of a favour. Odd. Just say you can't afford to miss work or kennel the dogs.

happypoobum · 11/04/2017 15:22

I would just say you can't get the time off work -let DH go on his own.

What's his problem with that? Surely it cannot be that he doesn't want to spend the time with MIL without you there absorbing the fallout?

I would bypass DH and go direct to MIL - "thanks so much, but I won't be able to take that week off work (you don't have to explain it's for financial reasons) so don't waste money buy buying me a ticket. I hope you, SIL and DH have a lovely time."

Don't be railroaded - we forbid you!!!