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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
AtomHeart · 11/04/2017 16:46

Have you actually explained to her why you cannot or do not want to go? Maybe if you communicated the obstacles to her, she would not railroad you into it. It sounds to me like you need to be a bit more assertive. Perhaps she is unaware of the situation from your point of view.

Scaredycat3000 · 11/04/2017 16:47

So my point was OP, you can say no at any point. Your bigger problem is your OH, my MIL's selfish behaviour has always been the same, 20 years ago I laughed off her silly moments, old age and young dc means the same behaviour now cause real harm. Are you ready for that OP?

HanShootsFirst · 11/04/2017 16:49

Really OP, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He should be hearing your thoughts, supporting you and telling his DM that you both won't go, or if you're ok with it just he will go.

The primary person he should be thinking the sun shines out of is YOU and he clearly doesn't. What are you going to do about that?

gammaraystar · 11/04/2017 16:50

Just say "no". You should never do anything in life that you don't want to or have to do.

FinallyHere · 11/04/2017 16:59

Picking up on the people saying that your DH can't imagine saying 'no' to his family, well, to his mother. I was a bit like that, until DH spelt it out to me, saying 'how do you want to live your life'. This is one of those moments, your choice is go or not go. It is also a choice between upsetting MIL/DH/SIL or upsetting yourself. Choose wisely, you have to live with yourself. All the best.

Original poster
ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 17:03

Well that went well. Told him I'm not going and he can go if he wants but asked does he have a plan if he loses his job? He went nuts and started banging his head on the table - he can't understand what's wrong with me, why am I always so negative, why don't I want him to have a holiday after his illness. I hate it when he gets like this but I don't know what to do now - apart from stay up here all evening. He's banging around cooking aggressively now.

He went on about all she has done for us, and I will probably get flamed for drip feeding now, but she gave us £60 000 as a deposit for this house 2 years ago. I get it thrown in my face all the time but, again we didn't ask for it. She said it was his inheritance and she wanted him to have it now so he could buy a house now. So it's been great, but I was happy to rent and save for however long. This is why she came and painted etc I understood why he wanted to take her up on it, but it is now thrown back at me all the time as if it was something I begged for.

Just want to clear up about SIL - she doesn't need help with personal care or anything like that. She just can't walk long distances and should really use a wheelchair but won't. This makes it stressful when in unfamiliar places as she gets tired, won't admit it and then there's a desperate rush to find a café etc.

Fuck - I feel so trapped. I'm starting to think our views on money are going to wreck everything we try and do.

OP posts:
LottieDoubtie · 11/04/2017 17:07

You don't have to stand for him behaving like that OP. I would leave the house until he could talk politely to me. Have you any family you could stay with?

ChicRock · 11/04/2017 17:09

He went nuts and started banging his head on the table

Is he having some kind of mental health crisis? You know this isn't normal, right?

SapphireStrange · 11/04/2017 17:10

He went nuts and started banging his head on the table

This isn't really OK behaviour, OP. Unless he has a condition that explains it, I think he's being very unnecessarily aggressive.

I don't mind the drip-feed –you're right, it's not like you begged for the money.

TBH, as far as I'm concerned you don't need to discuss it any further. You've told him you're not going and he can go if he wants. He doesn't have to like it but you've made your position clear.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/04/2017 17:10

Well done for making a stand. He is now behaving like a child, the equivalent of stamping his feet.🙄
Let him be the one to let his DM know, that you will not be told.
It can't be very pleasant in your home right now, his behaviour is controlling.
Consider your future. 💐

buttfacedmiscreant · 11/04/2017 17:11

I would have left the house too. Even if it meant sitting in the car.

That is not a normal reaction... the headbanging and the reaction.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/04/2017 17:12

I don't see how the money for the house is connected with the "holiday". She gave you a gift, that she was panning to give her son anyway. She didn't buy you as her companion or slave and it's really shit and unfair of him or her to keep bringing it up as the reason for trying to manipulate you years later.

The head banging thing is a bit worrying. Is he normally like that when you disagree with him?

And you know he's wrong don't you, you're suggesting it would be better for neither of you to go, but you're NOT stopping him going. I'm not sure why he's saying you're denying him a holiday after his illness, you're not, you're just saying you're not going.

It probably feels like it's all blown up about something that shouldn't have been so dramatic but it's a turning point in your marriage and I worry now that if you let him push you around and end up going you're setting yourself up, for the rest of your life, to doing what they want OR ELSE.

Why would your husband want you to be unhappy? And what chance does this holiday have of being at all restful for anyone now this has all taken place?

He's angry and lashing out but you've still been honest about how you're NOT GOING with them to Spain and you'll ruin the progress if you give in.

Think of how this has all made you feel and imagine at least one big issue a year making you feel like this. You'll get completely worn down and miserable. Please want better for yourself and your life than that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 17:13

Oh dear, love, that sounds really fucking hard. :(
I don't think I could stay in that situation if I had to be fucking grateful for every tiny little thing just because she decided to give him his inheritance early - I couldn't be that beholden to someone who made me feel beholden to them.

Just to add, my MIL owned our house in Australia and we lived here rent free until DH paid off his brother's half of it (in inheritance terms) so that it is now ours entirely when MIL eventually dies (because DH will get his half of it in the inheritance, if that makes sense). HOwever - she has never made me feel beholden to her over that, never tried to railroad me into gratitude or anything like that, and neither has DH. (Although it does annoy the tits off me when she comes over and does the garden, I've lost a lot of stuff from her deciding it's "had it" when it hasn't, or "weeding" stuff that didn't need weeding because it wasn't weeds! But she'd do that regardless - and DH thinks she's a marvellous gardener so never says anything. She even tried to do it in my house in the UK but I stopped that smartish! She just thinks she's helping, not trying to take over)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 17:15

Just tell him again that he can go, that's up to him, but you're NOT going and that's final. You can't afford it, one of you has to be responsible about money, and you'll look after the dogs too so save on that expense. You won't enjoy it, you'll be fed up and that'll spoil it for everyone else anyway so he can go by himself.

happypoobum · 11/04/2017 17:16

Oh dear - he does sound rather unhinged and manipulative?

Why is he still saying you are trying to stop him from having a holiday when you have said he can go and you will stay at home?

He really is determined to get his own way isn't he? I wonder who he learned that from?

Stand firm.

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 17:16

He went on about all she has done for us, and I will probably get flamed for drip feeding now, but she gave us £60 000 as a deposit for this house 2 years ago. I get it thrown in my face all the time but, again we didn't ask for it

You took it though, and you bought your house with it. It's a bit much to complain about it now.
He sounds like an absolute lunatic and I'd be getting out if I were you, but I think you're being a bit ingenuous about what you actual problem is here.

Seeingadistance · 11/04/2017 17:16

Bloody hell!

When my son, who is diagnosed with Asperger's, was about 7 years old he banged his head on the table in a rage when I told him something he didn't want to hear. He later apologised and hasn't done it since.

I'd be seriously concerned about a grown man doing that, in any circumstances. Does he have a history of mental health problems or dramatic over-reactions? That is in no way normal or rational.

I really feel for you. I see what you mean about this not being the first time you've been railroaded. Your MIL seems to do favours as a way of maintaining control - and your DH seems to be the one who's actively exerting that control on her behalf?

Vegansnake · 11/04/2017 17:21

Don't you need to say something quick before she books and pays for your flights

shovetheholly · 11/04/2017 17:22

"he can't understand what's wrong with me, why am I always so negative, why don't I want him to have a holiday after his illness."

This sounds like classic controlling behaviour. He's basically saying "You're not doing what I want, and that makes you an evil bitch".

It sounds like dealing with a child. You're having to be the grown-up who is putting their needs to one side and focusing on what you can really achieve with the resources you have, and he's behaving like a spoiled child having a meltdown because he can't afford a toy he wants.

Then, beyond this financial issue, you have the fact that there are familial expectations here that are being put over your own desires/needs. It sounds as though your DH's primary loyalty is really still to his parents, and not to you.

I was with a guy like this for a while, and it was exhausting. If this is a repeating pattern, I really think you need to have a long, hard look at whether you really want to live this way.

FrancisCrawford · 11/04/2017 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttfacedmiscreant · 11/04/2017 17:26

Honestly it sounds like his mother is very controlling and he is trying to get you in line to avoid tantrum from his mother. Do their family typically always defer to her wishes?

This sounds like a much bigger problem than a holiday, it sounds like he is married to his mother and her feelings are more important than yours. Leave and cleave baby.

Scaredycat3000 · 11/04/2017 17:27

Vegan, it can all be cancelled at any point, the OP does not have to get on the plane the only thin that will be lost is MIL's money. These people like to create drama, the flights will be gone, the price will go up, WE HAVE TO BOOK NOOOOOW it's a distraction technique, if you then push for a cancellation it will have to be cancelled NOOOOW as they loose more money each day. All designed to confuse, befuddle and bully the OP.

KungFuEric · 11/04/2017 17:28

Id really reevaluate him as a man and the relationship you find yourself in.

It seems to me he knows his mum will always be the biggest beacon in his life, and will bail him out of any situation he finds himself in. If he loses his job I'm sure he'll go to mummy to ask for some bailing out.

Do you want to be in this for much longer?

Original poster
ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 17:28

Just heard the door slam so I suppose he's gone out. The head banging thing is really scary - he's only done it a couple of other times but I know it's not normal. It's like he does it to show what I've pushed him to.

NabobsFromNobHill - I had no choice though but to buy the house? Dh was going to take the money and buy house whatever I said - I had the choice of going on the mortgage or not, and as we weren't married at the time no way was I not going on it. I earn more than him and pay about 70% of our monthly outgoings and that will only increase when I qualify. I was more than happy to stay in rented and I had no right to stop him taking the money, as long as he was happy for me to be on the mortgage, which he was. Don't think he would have got the mortgage without me tbh.

Apparently MIL is going to be 'hurt and offended' if I don't go.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 11/04/2017 17:28

He went nuts and started banging his head on the table

Wow that is beyond weird.
This and his attitude to money - hmm, what are you getting out of this relationship?

In a way the £60K thing is a very mixed blessing as she probably feels she has "bought" you. I would go nuts if someone decorated my living room without asking me, but this could be the tip of the iceberg if she feels she has a stake in your home.

Just to reiterate though, the head-banging, that is a very odd thing to do.