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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

289 replies

ungratefulbint2017 · 11/04/2017 14:50

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today Angry. I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/04/2017 16:03

Don't be railroaded OP, stay at home with the dogs.
Let your DH go it alone. Respect is a two way street .... just saying. 😄

Reow · 11/04/2017 16:07

Don't go if you don't want to. You're an adult, you're free to make your own choices.

Why should you spend a week on a holiday you don't want to go on, and lose money as well?

I'd be telling DH that he is of course free to go, you're not stopping him, but you will be staying home.

If MIL is insulted then that's her problem, your intention isn't to insult her. You might have to be blunt and explain the loss of earning and kennel issue to her.

Nicole69 · 11/04/2017 16:07

Spell it out for her. Tell her you'd love to, you're grateful, but you'd a) lose a week's wage and b) have to pay for the kennels. Give her a ballpark figure so that she can see how much it's inconveniencing you.

Would you go if she offered to cover some of that cost?

LostSight · 11/04/2017 16:08

I don't know how to say no as a final answer.

If you are anything like I used to be, you do know how to say it, but are afraid of the fallout. But a lifetime of being railroaded is impossibly long and deeply frustrating. Dig deep and make it clear you mean business.

If MIL ignores you and buys tickets, then she has wasted her money. Allow her to waste it. Actions have consequences. You have to enforce them.

If it goes well and your DH and MIL learn that you can't be pushed around, they may respect you more in future. If DH is really an asshole and would leave you, then you have avoided a lifetime of frustration and bullying.

livefornaps · 11/04/2017 16:08

Oh no! So she dresses stuff up as favours in order to do whatever she likes...! Ugh.

It's like an old housemate of mine, who has a v different diet to me, doing me the "favour" of leaving me her food when she went away, trilling "eat!" "eat!" and being annoyed if she came back to find it untouched. I don't want your food, thanks!

No one can force you to go on this week away. Are you okay? By your posts you seem very stressed. I do think her foisting these plans on you is very inconsiderate. I don't think a lot of older people realise just how hard it is for people right now, living week to week. It's not like you can book time off at whim and that time will not be reimbursed. It's not like there's a joyful celebration at the other end, like a wedding, probably plain old drudgery awaits you while Golden Boy suns himself. Just say your work has ruled out the idea of you going & that you can't afford to be jobless right now. Don't go into details on the figures, pass up the responsibilty to someone else. Tell your boyfriend the same; that there is a rush on at work and so anyone taking time off at that point will not be asked back. It doesn't sound like either of them are capable of having a rational conversation about the financial implications, they both just have their head in the clouds, so absolve yourself from this and don't discuss it again. Don't let yourself be railroaded.

Reow · 11/04/2017 16:10

Why do you have to be grateful for something you haven't asked for, don't want and will leave you out of pocket?

Bang on!

Gingernaut · 11/04/2017 16:15

Why is she boneheaded enough to try and carry on with this holiday when the odds are so against her?

From what you've told us OP, the only cost is the flights.

Can't she just take the loss and give up on the idea of a holiday that sounds like hard labour.

Even if she gets there, her partner will be a source of worry and caring for your SIL means the carers can't relax and if you go, there'll be the worry about the dogs and money.

It sounds nightmarish.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 16:16

I imagine the reason she wants you along is that you're another woman who can help with the more intimate things that your SIL might need doing, whereas your DP probably can't do that (or your SIL might not WANT him to do that).

However - not your problem. Loss of income is a good enough reason not to go, to say nothing of the kenneling costs - which won't be needed if you stay at home.

It's really not going to be a fun holiday at all if you are forced to go, so just refuse to go along with it and tell MIL to get a refund on the ticket or find some other mug to go with them.

And yes, use the time to repaint your living room in colours you like! That would incense me, to have someone else paint my house in colours of their choosing (one reason I could never do any of these fecking house make-over shows - I'm very particular about colours and wouldn't be able to deal with other people's choices)

MaisyPops · 11/04/2017 16:16

Why do you have to be grateful for something you haven't asked for, don't want and will leave you out of pocket?
Summed up perfectly.
She is not doing you a favour or giving you a lovely holiday.
She is getting you to do her stuff for her

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 16:18

And tell your DH to pull his head out of his arse and realise that money doesn't grow on trees, and he can't keep on being so fucking slap dash about it!

Stormtreader · 11/04/2017 16:20

"I don't know how to say no as a final answer."

"Its very kind of you to offer MIL but I simply cant afford the time off work. "

"You know my decision on this DH, I cant afford to take the time off work or board the dogs, and I wouldnt enjoy it. I know you want me to go but I'm not going".

Theres no way of telling someone "No" to plans theyve decided on for you that they'll like. The kindest thing you can do really is to be polite but firm so that they are less likely to decide for you in the future.

xStefx · 11/04/2017 16:21

" oh crap, I seem to have lost my passport" on the day should do it

SapphireStrange · 11/04/2017 16:22

I have gone through all the figures but he's just not interested. All he can see is the opportunity for a holiday and nothing else counts

He's being stupid then; wilfully or not I don't know.

Just tell him again you can't afford the time off work and the kennels. Let him go on his own if he must.

DoItTooJulia · 11/04/2017 16:23

Are there even spaces in kennels at such short notice? Has your DH checked that out?

HungryHorace · 11/04/2017 16:25

I was going to say what MaverickSnoopy said about the fact you will still accrue holiday as a temp and can take paid leave. You've not mentioned whether you've already taken it / not accrued enough leave for the trip.

I'd investigate this before saying you can't go. Unless the money is an excuse and you actually don't want to go, then just be honest!

BestZebbie · 11/04/2017 16:25

Has your MIL had it pointed out to her in words of one syllable that neither of you gets annual leave, and so the loss of earnings is actually a factor? Even though she is presumably aware that you are temping she may not have really twigged how that impacts on your finances.

If your DH can discuss this with her without you, I think you are perfectly entitled to ring her up and be sad and distressed at her because of the loss of earnings for both of you and because "DH is trying to please you because he is so kind-hearted, but I'm really worried that might lose his job over it" etc - see what she says after that!

Gingernaut · 11/04/2017 16:27

A lot of temps are paid a small (very, very small) premium on top of their hourly wage to account for holiday pay. Time off is not then paid.

No worky, no money.

Butterymuffin · 11/04/2017 16:28

What Stormtreader suggested as replies. Plus if Thumb is right and they want a woman along to do some of the more personal care, they should ask you directly if that's OK rather than assume. Your DH has twigged it'll be harder work for him if he goes alone. Tough!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 11/04/2017 16:29

Don't. Do. It.

I've been in a similar situation. You don't have to be grateful for something that actually causes you more trouble than its worth.

You can say no. Promise.

rainbowstardrops · 11/04/2017 16:30

I wouldn't go. You're going to end up way out of pocket for a holiday you don't even want to go on!
They can't physically force you so just politely and calmly say no.
Good luck!

JustSpeakSense · 11/04/2017 16:30

I wouldn't go.

I'd send DP on his own.

I think MIL is asking you for her own reasons (because she needs the help) it doesn't sound like much of a holiday to me, going on her terms.

Just say no thank you.

HashiAsLarry · 11/04/2017 16:31

If MIL is so adamant then ask her for the money you'd be losing, and to cover all spends. If she's willing to do that then it really is a treat, otherwise tell her that you appreciate the thought but actually its not a treat for you.

Scaredycat3000 · 11/04/2017 16:42

You just have to say no OP That's hilarious, you've clearly never had to deal with a determined matriarchal narc. They just ignore what they don't like and carry on regardless! Part of being a narc is that you can't grasp reality. That's how MIL ended up canceling 2 weeks at Disneyland for 4. I don't know and don't give a fuck how much money she lost, if you lie and manipulate your nearest and dearest it will catch up with you. I will never work out why OH thought we could afford it, he had been unemployed for nearly a year the day it was booked, we would all need passports, suitcases, cattery plus associated vet bills, spending/food money (no self catering Sad ). So many details I could add, but I'd be here forever, this was going to be no holiday for me, or our young DC, we are not a Disney family, or a theme park family, I do not trust MIL with FIL (I have reason plus nearing the end of a degenerative condition) let alone my DC, but funnily enough it was the exact holiday and times that BIL and his family were planning on taking this year. Things came to a head and I went nuclear. OH backed down very fast. I now realise those heart palpitations I'd been having for weeks were probably some kind of anxiety attacks, after it had been cancelled I had a funny episode which I guess was a panic attack. I didn't ask for any of it, I didn't want any of it, yet was according to BIL disrespectful for not going. OH says we will never talk of it again until we visit the IL's and so far we haven't. We'll never go to Disneyland, but we didn't want to go!

Seeingadistance · 11/04/2017 16:45

Another voice to the chorus saying "don't go!".

Not only does this "holiday" have nothing appealing about it for you, but it's going to cost you money and hassle.

Don't go!

HardcoreLadyType · 11/04/2017 16:45

Your DP sounds like my DH used to be. The idea of saying "no" to his mother simply didn't compute.

Once we were summonsed to a family meal on the day we moved house. It would encompass an hour (at least) drive there, and the same back. I pointed out how ridiculous it was to go, when we could scarcely find our bed underneath all the boxes. He agreed, but couldn't understand how we could refuse. I said, "I'll do it." And did. MIL did try the guilt-trippy tactics she uses on FIL and DH, but they don't work on me.

DH has now become much better at saying "no" to her, now I have shown him it can be done.

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