To not be grateful for this so-called free holiday offer from MIL?

[ungratefulbint2017]

...because according to dh everyone else in the world would jump at the chance and there is something wrong with me for not wanting it.

MIL has invited us to go to Spain with her next month. We would be staying in a friend's apartment for free and she has offered to pay for our flights. Great - but we are both temping atm, so although having time off is not a problem we will lose a week's pay. I'm with an agency, but dh is with a company who I think may be pissed off with him for taking the week off at relatively short notice so he may lose the role. Then we have two dogs who would need kennelling, so all told that is the best part of £1K before we actually spend any money over there.

It's not free is it? How can he see that as free?? We live pretty much week to week with very little savings (I'm training to be a teacher in Sept, so hoping to be more secure in the future) and we'll end up resorting to credit cards next month if he insists on this.

What really pisses me off as well is that he is talking as if it's her way of doing us a massive favour but it isn't - she needs us, or him at least to go with her. She was originally going with her partner and sil, who has mobility issues due to a degenerative condition. Mil's partner is a recovering alcoholic and has sadly fallen off the wagon over the past few weeks. She can't cope with sil on her own so needs help. I do get that, but I resent the fact that we are being expected to end up massively out of pocket and to feel grateful into the bargain!

I kind of feel if she had been straight and asked dh to go with her and maybe even covered his loss of earnings that would be ok, but for some reason she is insisting I go too. We have argued over it all weekend and now I have just checked my phone to find a fucking message from her about how nice it will be, how maybe I hadn't understood it's 'her treat' etc etc. They've obviously been talking behind my back as she referred to some of the points I'd raised with him. She's booking the flights today . I feel railroaded, and for the first time by her. This is fucking typical of his attitude to money as well.

I'm fuming and dreading going home as I can't stand going through it all with him again. AIBU to refuse to go?

Scaredy, I agree.

The money was already lost when she booked flights for something you didn't want.

Apparently MIL is going to be 'hurt and offended' if I don't go.

Ok - well so what? MIL will be hurt and offended then. The choice is between that, and you being £1k down and spending a miserable week with them.

You don't have to do what she wants. Her feelings are her own business, and yours are your business.

Look after yourself for once.

Tbh, things have gone so far now, I just cannot see that it's retrievable even if you did back down don't you dare!

I would be re evaluating my whole relationship at this point

Read up on FOG OP, you OH is in the middle of it, and toxic IL's. You OH has never known any different, he thinks his mum is normal, he has been trained by her that his role in life is to pander to her needs, and make sure everybody else does, jobs who needs them Mum always helps out. He is behaving like the child his Mum wants to keep him at, drama just like her. He is, believe it or not, a victim. JustnoMIL on reddit is good.

why don't I want him to have a holiday after his illness.

But youre not saying he cant go! Why is it the case that for him to go, you must go? Has his mum said that he can only go if you both go?

Now that you've said what he will resort to, I am even more strongly saying DO NOT GIVE IN ON THIS or you'll be dragged around by the threat of this tantrum behaviour forever.

Just tell MIL you can't afford to lose a week's money.

It's as simple as that.

Please don't give in, it will get worse if you do. Let this be your line in the sand.

It's like he does it to show what I've pushed him to
No you have not pushed him to this, he is behaving in this odd manner as it is what his Mum taught him, be dramatic, be loud, be noticed, to get your own way, both behaving appallingly.

I agree, so what if she is hurt and offended, the world won't stop turning. She is a big girl and should suck it up.

I sent you a pm suggesting you check out DWILnation to help you understand the dynamics better.

Shit always hits the fan when someone says no to a controlling person. Be prepared for more tantrums from DH, MIL and other random family.

DH is not showing that he is on your side at all here. He is seriously expecting you to do something you are unhappy and uncomfortable about just to placate his mother. That is worrisome.

I wouldn't go.

Why are you in this relationship?

Leave. Find an actual adult to have a relationship with, who values you.

Please leave even if it's just for a short while. The situation you're describing is untenable, and I think you should seriously consider why you are in this relationship. You will always be bestowed "favors" that you've never asked for despite that you have to be forever grateful for. £60,000 is a lot of money but is being used as a stick to beat you with. If you don't go to this trip, you won't win because you were ungrateful when your MIL wanted to "treat" you to a holiday and had even booked the tickets and yet you refused to go. And if you do go, you will have to be forever thankful for a holiday when you could possibly come back either you'd both lose your jobs but most definitely will lose money that you can ill afford. You've tried to be reasonable and have even shown your DP the costs that will be incurred from going on this holiday and yet things have been discussed behind your back and he's taken to harming himself to scare you into backing down. I'm struggling to think how this is even a loving and supportive relationship.

After that behaviour I definitely wouldn't want to go

DO you feel like you have to back down now, OP? To placate him, to give in to what he wants to stop his tantrum?

Do you have DC yet? (I'm assuming not as you haven't mentioned any) Because when you do, you will recognise this as the arch-manipulation of a toddler tantrum, and if you give in to those then you create petty tyrants. Your DH and his mother have never been taught that tantrumming does not get them their own way - about time they learnt, really.

However, recognising that your DH is employing toddler behaviour might decrease your respect for him, and possibly your regard. And might cause irreparable damage to your relationship. But then, do you want to stay married to an adult-sized toddler?

What do you think your MIL would say if you talk to her on her own and explain the issue with wages etc...? Would she understand or will she really be upset that you aren't coming as your DH is saying?

I don't like the way he is behaving TBH. The banging his head in the table?? What does he think its going to acheive?
Or are you going to back down now that he has made all this circus about being very upset at your decision because it's not the one HE has taken?

What a strange reaction, OP, but please use it to strengthen your determination not to back down, placate him and go 'for a quiet life' - it won't be a quiet life it will just be an opening for yet more control and interference by your MIL.

You are not stopping your dh from having a holiday, he can go if he wishes, why does he need you there if not to validate the mantra of "my mum is so lovely look what she has done for us"?

I hope you can find it in yourself to stand firm, the alternative is much worse. Good luck.

I really don't know what to do. I just think we are on different pages financially - he has cut down his working hours since we bought the house for instance as our tiny mortgage costs a lot less than rent used to. That made me uneasy as he just came home one day and said he'd turned down a fulltime long term contract as we didn't need it anymore. If he'd taken that he would have had holiday pay and we are supposed to be saving for when I'm training.

I'm just thinking of all the times he's backed his mother over me. Like when we had an old friend of mine to stay over Christmas and his mother refused to commit to coming, then decided she would at the last minute and friend had to sleep on the sofa. Always raves on about her building a wall while pregnant and running a marathon while doing a phd. I can't live up to any of it.

We've been married less than 2 yrs ffs.

You say he's done this banging his head on the table before? What triggered those incidents? Because it's seriously abnormal and worrying behaviour.

"he just came home one day and said he'd turned down a fulltime long term contract as we didn't need it anymore."

What the fuckety fuck? He just unilaterally decided to reduce your income as a family because you no longer rented? He's heading towards cock-lodgery here - either that or he plans to sponge off his mother for as long as possible.

This is not a man. This is a manchild. This is not someone you can rely on to support you in anything, financial or otherwise.

Are you sure you want to stay with him?

Completely agree that the banging his head thing is not normal at all, putting it politely.

WRT to his DM all I can offer you is my experience. xH was quite like your DH. xMIL and her opinions came first. Over our house, our wedding, our lives and most importantly if we should have DC. We never did because xMIL didn't want to and he forced me to abort at her insistence when I fell pregnant unexpectedly. I got out after 4 years. I loved him and hoped he would change, even after the abortion thing. My only thankfulness throughout that is that we never did have DC in the end.

You need some time to yourself to reassess this relationship. Him going to Spain and you staying home with the dogs to care for, take out for a run, could be that opportunity. Turn the phone off so you don't see their texts, they'll be flooding in.

Write out a balance sheet of this relationship, debits one side, credits the other. Is your 'relationship account' in debit or credit?

It can be a useful tool to help you think where you want this relationship to go, whether that's possible, and how to achieve what you need for yourself.

Hugs to you, OP.

The minute someone starts bashing their own head to get me to do something I don't want to do is the minute I say "Hell NO!" and stick to it.

Feel sorry for you OP. Did DH have a serious health scare? It doesn't sound like a holiday for anyone free or. It and I don't blame you for not wanting to go.
Sounds like your MIL is a manipulative bully I have one of those too so I can sympathise and sounds like your DH is afraid to stand up to her (I also have one of those). He probably doesn't really want to go either and your not wanting to go makes him feel embarrassed as his little wifey won't do as his mummy says and accept a free holiday. Also he will wish he had the balls you've got to even consider saying no and standing up to his mum.
My MIL is also manipulative she invited herself to ours for 4 days over the Easter weekend. It's the only time the four of us have had time off together since Christmas and we really need it. I suggested she came different days so we could have a couple of days together. To teach me a lesson she has booked her train tickets and she is coming for 10 days now.
These are for you 🍷💐🍷💐🐶🐶🍫🍫these are for your DH ⚽️🏀🏐🏉🏈🎱⚾️🎾⚽️🏐🏀🏉🏈🎱⚾️🏓🎾

If you don't have DC together I'd think long and hard before you do.

At the moment you're free to leave.