To have ended it with this date?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have had an abusive relationship. So I'm very wary of choosing a nasty guy again. Went on two amazing dates with a lovely man on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away (would usually would have scared me!). Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice. We had a lovely sunny day in the park. I probably did make him feel that I was really into him (I thought I was, I really did). We met the next day and I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty. He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited about his new woman. He'd posted instagram smug couple selfies.
After a couple of wines I felt more relaxed with him, but although at times I had butterflies and did fancy him, at other times little things repulsed me. Silly things like saying he'd brush his teeth so he had 'minty fresh breath' for me. I can't explain why, but that and his clammy skin made my skin crawl.
I didn't know for certain what to do, but he was getting keener and keener and so I've just very nicely ended it, saying I wasn't sure about my feelings and it wasn't fair to him to flip flop like that. He took it well though was upset. It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon. I feel awful because I did get swept up in it and did inadvertently lead him on. We even took our dating profiles down on date 2. I'm such an idiot. I think I just wanted it so much that I tried to convince myself. But it just wasn't right I don't think.
Have I made a mistake? He was sweet and kind, if inexperienced. I did fancy him at times. But the speed of things and the skin crawl feeling made me realise it wasn't right. I feel really upset and have cried tonight though.
Before you say I'm crazy and over reacting, I think the abusive relationship left me a bit raw and I'm discovering and setting new boundaries.
Just need a cuddle.

I fancied him at the time and thought it might lead somewhere. I didn't set out to use him and and did date him briefly after. I didn't realise sex was a lasting covenant.

That is creepy cakedup!

I went on a date with someone and he had an elimate of smugness there was something about him I couldn't quite put my finger on plus he pursued my constantly. I coolled it off and felt bad because he had a rough time so gave him another chance. I only ended up having a relationship him and one DC. He was a bully EA and on one occasion physically abusive. Biggest mistake of my life please trust your instincts unfortunately I'm stuck with the idiot until DS is an adult.

Trust your instincts I wished I had listened to my spider senses.

Haven't read the full thread yet.

When you've been abused, gut indicts can be extremely important warnings, but they can also be misleading because normal niceness can feel weird to you.

In situations like this, you can ask to slow things down. A decent guy who really liked you would be happy to slow down, ho at the pace you're comfortable with, and give you plenty of time to get to know him. If he ignored your wishes and continued to fast forward the relationship, then that would tell you all you need to know.

Having said that, it's okay to end a relationship for any reason or for no reason at all.

Is there any need to be so sneery about this man?

I don't think anyone is being "sneery". I think the thread has moved on and people are talking about their dating experiences. On-line dating, especially, is a hit-and-miss affair. The best way to survive it is to have a sense of humour about it.

On the first page of this thread, a pp linked to the excellent "penetration man" thread in Classics.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2713481-Penetration-man

OP's "I didn't like the way he said 'pastries'" comment would fit right in there.

Hm, if a man came on here and said he had sex with a woman because it's been a while and he fancied some sex... But he was now physically repulsed by her clammy hands, I don't think he'd be told to follow his instincts.

That may be true but actually I don't think there's anything wrong with a man fancying some sex without total commitment and then changing his mind. It happens all the time, and I don't think those men wring their hands about it much. So by doing the same OP is in fact only behaving in a similar way to many men who can be found on dating sites.

On top of that, having a sense of discomfort, or that there's something "off" about someone and feeling a need to trust your instincts, is very important for women who are dating men – because men are far more likely to turn out to be abusive or dangerous towards women than the other way round.

trolls i agree.
He is being sneered about, he's being reffered to as dale winton, effeminate and that he prances around! Really bad taste.

I'm not doing it to him. He is unaware. And it is just what went through my head. We all sound off at times.

Yes the humour factor did make me feel better.

We've got to laugh at these things, better than crying, which usually happens too. The OP has been fine, other posters pushed for the niggling reason to why OP went off him. She hasn't been nasty at all. Could have been any number of things though, when you go off someone the least little thing can make you cringe, it's just the way it goes sometimes.

As someone who can seperate love from sex I find it's really useful to fuck someone within the first 3 dates. This means that I find out very quickly whether there's sexual chemistry and whether we're compatible in that way. Sex in the eary days of a relationship is mainly just a fun passtime, not some fantastic emotional connection (although I don't dispute that "making love" has its merits too), and I would hate to spend ages getting to know and develop feelings for someone then find out the sex is not what I'd hoped. That would be upsetting for me, and also for the man if he'd developed feelings for me too.

Yes to the smell thing too. It can be the difference between fancying someone or not, so I always make sure I get a sneaky sniff of their neck during a hug . It's also why I dislike aftershave as it masks a man's natural scent.

Yes. For me, an emotional connection would take about six months or more to cultivate. I have a reasonably high sex drive and so I would prefer to have sex before six months. And sometimes you can have an emotional connection and not be compatible sexually.

As someone who can seperate love from sex I find it's really useful to fuck someone within the first 3 dates. This means that I find out very quickly whether there's sexual chemistry and whether we're compatible in that way.

Yes. I mean, I've been monogamous for 200 years, but this was my philosophy when I was seeing people, back when dinosaurs walked the earth. I hated when sex was built up too much by having been delayed, and for me it was always better to discover sexual incompatibility sooner rather than later -- there's something doomy and weighty about sex that's been made into a Big Deal.

Ignore the people coming on here to tell you off Far - you haven't done anything wrong, on here, or in your dealings with this chap.

And certainly ignore those telling you off for sleeping with him too soon. 🙄 I slept with DH on our first date. Sex is just sex, an enjoyable recreational activity.

From my perspective, with a history of a couple of abusive relationships I have found that sex early on confuses me. I know it doesn't for others, but that's just me.

I don't think the sex confused me. And I dont think people who have had abusive relationships are a homogenous mass. Actually having very gentle, nice sex with a man who was affectionate, was pleasant and made me more fully understand that my previous 'bdsm' experience had in fact, been horribly abusive.

No everyone's different, as you say. I have learned it's bad news for me, I attach quickly and then find it difficult to notice red flags. Oh, to have those years back

I'd happily have sex with my guy again if it wouldn't hurt and confuse him. So I wouldn't. But I enjoyed it. We just weren't a complete match.

It's good you don't get attached easily. It will protect you from abusive relationships in the future, I believe.

Agreed. Actually I used to get very easily attached quite quickly. The abusive relationship changed that. Which is but also helpful.

Yes, you've grown and become stronger. Life will be better from now on. Wish I'd learned more quickly than I did. I'm a slow learner!

It's a shame we have to go through so much to become strong. One of the worst things my abuser did was take away my strength. He kept telling me he was attracted to strong, independent women. Then he completely withdrew affection and accused me of being clingy (wouldn't sit on the same sofa as me or touch me apart from perfunctory sex). I ended up broken, while he went out shagging other women and telling me about it afterwards. And telling me I was useless, clumsy, messy, couldn't cope with life. I wasn't a strong woman and he didn't like that. That's the worst thing he did. Not the sexual or emotional abuse. But taking away my strength. I will never allow that to happen to me again. I am strong.

Gosh feel a bit teary writing that. That's why I really don't want to hurt anyone else. I found myself wanting to change things about this man and that's not fair. He deserves someone who wants him just as he is.

It's a shame we have to go through so much to become strong

That's so true OP. And those of us who have come through abuse and are now stronger, will always have our weak points and doubts, and moments where we tend to blame ourselves, or wonder if we should.