To have ended it with this date?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have had an abusive relationship. So I'm very wary of choosing a nasty guy again. Went on two amazing dates with a lovely man on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away (would usually would have scared me!). Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice. We had a lovely sunny day in the park. I probably did make him feel that I was really into him (I thought I was, I really did). We met the next day and I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty. He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited about his new woman. He'd posted instagram smug couple selfies.
After a couple of wines I felt more relaxed with him, but although at times I had butterflies and did fancy him, at other times little things repulsed me. Silly things like saying he'd brush his teeth so he had 'minty fresh breath' for me. I can't explain why, but that and his clammy skin made my skin crawl.
I didn't know for certain what to do, but he was getting keener and keener and so I've just very nicely ended it, saying I wasn't sure about my feelings and it wasn't fair to him to flip flop like that. He took it well though was upset. It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon. I feel awful because I did get swept up in it and did inadvertently lead him on. We even took our dating profiles down on date 2. I'm such an idiot. I think I just wanted it so much that I tried to convince myself. But it just wasn't right I don't think.
Have I made a mistake? He was sweet and kind, if inexperienced. I did fancy him at times. But the speed of things and the skin crawl feeling made me realise it wasn't right. I feel really upset and have cried tonight though.
Before you say I'm crazy and over reacting, I think the abusive relationship left me a bit raw and I'm discovering and setting new boundaries.
Just need a cuddle.

[Viperess]

The thread title isn't really what the OP is asking, is it?

She knows she did the right thing to end it. What she wants from us is some appeasement of her guilt for having led him on.

But if you read her first post carefully, it's littered with phrases like 'I led him on, I wanted it so much, I gave him the impression...'

For me, his enthusiasm would have been suffocating and OTT. It would have burnt itself out at that pace.

But someone who is coming out of an abusive relationship initially loves to see enthusiasm and doting like that. They can't believe their luck to have a man who treats them nicely and cares.

Then their brain kicks in; they see he's OTT and that he says 'pastries' so the illusion is shattered.

It's all very understandable. But anyone who is in the place the OP is - just getting their act together again with men- should take things very slowly, avoid early sex (no matter how horny they feel) and let things develop slowly. Much less emotional fallout.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op is probably still recovering from the abusive relationship, it does sound like it, is not ready to date just yet. Everything seems to be hightened because of that.

[PuppyMonkey]

I have just asked DP to say "pastries" and phew, he passed the test.

Another one saying if it's not happening for you, it's not happening. Put it down toe experience and move on.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

I think any signs that you feel annoyed, suffocated, uncomfortable are red flags

Becuase it is not about you it is about the other persons insecurities/needs/wants not yours

Not to say at all this man is abusive but one very common theme is someone who seems overly keen and adoring at the start building someone up so they can so easily be kicked off their pedestal when it suits

But that might not be the case but there were still those nagging thoughts we should all listen to

[DevelopingDetritus]

Why would a man that isn't an abuser act like this. I'm speaking to a guy atm, he has a job that requires a good bit of confidence, but is quite full on with this type of stuff mentioned in this thread. As far as I can tell he doesn't seem to have had lots of relationships.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I'm glad I had sex with him and I'm not retracting that, because I enjoyed it and at the time I thought it might lead somewhere. I don't think this guy was an abuser and I didn't post on here to ridicule him, although some of you laughed at the pastry thing understandably! I feel ok this morning and I think one of the important things a woman who has been abused needs to do is to make her own decisions rather than doing what others say. I listened to my inner voice and I'm glad. I posted on here because I did want validation (I'm not yet 100% confident making my decisions, but at least I'm making them).

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I don't think the early sex affected me emotionally. Certainly didn't make me feel more attached to him. Plus if the sex doesn't work, I've wasted my time, as sex matters.

[UppityHumpty]

You need to follow your gut even if it leads you up the garden path a few times.

[Viperess]

I don't think the early sex affected me emotionally.

maybe not, but perhaps it affected this man? Maybe it gave the impression you liked him more than you did?
I suppose he went into it with his eyes open so he only had himself to blame when you ditched him.

I think you need to distinguish between great sex and chemistry.
People can have chemistry and acknowledge/ feel that without having 'proved it' by having sex by the 3rd date.
Great sex sometimes has to be worked at - it doesn't always happen automatically the first or second time. Great sex usually happens with trust and open communication, possibly getting better over time.

And great sex can sometimes take place with men who are bastards.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Maybe it did, but I can't hold myself responsible for his emotions. I didn't actually with bad intentions. I know sex can get better over time (I have experienced this) but you can know quickly that you aren't compatible. I'm not sure why sex appears to be the focus. It's not the issue for me at all.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

*didn't act

[Viperess]

I suppose the only reason for mentioning The Sex is that I find your first post ambiguous.
Not sure if you meant you were unsure about ending it because he was so keen on you and you ought to have enjoyed that and continued, OR (possibly AND too) you felt guilty because you hurt him.

You aren't responsible for his feelings but you are responsible for your actions which have consequences for other people .

I suppose in my mind having sex early on gave him a green light, as he was over-invested already, then you did a U turn and he was upset.

You are absolutely right to end something if it's not for you. You don't owe anyone anything after just 3 dates. But unless both parties have agreed this is 'no strings sex and that's all it is' then one person will get hurt if the other wants more. Just saying you might want to hold back in future to protect your own emotions.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I do feel bad that I hurt him, but I enjoyed the sex and so did he. I was also worried I was throwing away a good man.

[WashingMatilda]

OP, I haven't rtft but didn't want to read and run because honestly this is so similar to a situation I was in about two years ago - my friends and I even coined a name for it 'The Ick Factor'
He sounds really similar to your date, he used to put on this little baby voice and stick his bottom lip out, not a massive thing perhaps but all these little things just added up and in the second (and final) week, he got me a photo frame WITH A PHOTO OF HIMSELF IN IT. It got to to the point where I couldn't bare to sit next to him on the sofa.
Think of it as doing him a favour, that's what helped me, there will be a woman out there who will find him adorable and sweet.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

The photo would've have freaked me out too. To be honest I think.if I'd told this guy I loved him.he'd have said it back.
It's hard after an abusive relationship, because you do want to feel cared for. My ex withdrew affection as a form of emotional abuse and so I do like affection. Just not like that.

[user1489261248]

I thought sex on the 3rd date seemed too quick too.

As for something that made me dump a man..... I was a chubby ish teen, and when I was 16, I lost 2 stone. (Went from 11 to 9 stone, and I was a bit sensitive about my weight and body.)

At about 17-18 y.o, I started to go out with a bloke who was about 20, and on our 5th date, we were on my parents dining room couch, and he squeezed me around the waist, and said 'you've got a little bit of fat there!' I went flame red and said 'what?' and he said 'it's ok I don't mind chubby girls, there's more to hang on to.'

I stood up and said 'you need to leave.' He looked perplexed and said 'what have I done wrong?' And I just said 'I don't want to see you anymore!' He was gobsmacked and couldn't figure out what was going on. 'WHAT?' he said angrily. I said 'I cannot be with someone who makes comments about my weight; go now.' He wouldn't go, and said I was being stupid and hysterical. In the end I had to get my dad to tell him to leave.

Seems daft, but that was it for me.

I didn't like him a lot anyway. He was just someone to go to the pub with.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

That's not daft user. You were very wise! Very impressive to deal with it like that at that age, especially as weight is such a sensitive thing for a lot of women.
I like sex. I enjoyed it. So did he. I plan on having more of it, just not with him obviously!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Wow what a knob user, you handled it very well. Hopefully next time he would think that you can't talk to people like that.

[kali110]

The op has every right to end it for any readon, but i agree that this thread is not nice.
This guy doesn't sound like a bad guy, just rather enthusiastic and now there's a thread about him slagging him off
Let's hope the daily mail don't pick it up.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Kali I haven't slagged him off. I said the sex was good and he was a lovely guy. I gave examples of minor things that'd put me off. I hope the DM don't pick this up but this is my place for support. I matter and I am always going to put myself first from now on.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I was repeatedly asked about the pastry thing and gave details. Maybe I shouldn't have but it feels like you are with friends on here sometimes and I guess I wanted reassurance that as silly as it sounded, it probably did mean it really wasn't right.
My last relationship was very very badly abusive and having worked through it, I am learning to be assertive, make decisions and set boundaries.

[Viperess]

You did do the right thing when he wasn't for you. Might be worth thinking about whether you are ready for dating at all though. Maybe some time alone to build up your self esteem and meet men as friends through hobbies, sport, whatever you like doing rather than actively seeking dates via online sites?
You went from having sex to not liking how he spoke as well as his clammy hands almost overnight. That's fine- but if this was a man posting about a woman ' I wanted sex, not had it for ages, think she enjoyed it too...' but then dumped her as he found she wasn't his type, I think people might be more judgemental. You need to slow the whole thing right down and work on yourself in terms of self esteem otherwise you risk being hurt or hurting others.

[Chavelita]

I think the OP realised what she was actually feeling because she had sex with Pastryman, which is why I've always felt it was useful to sleep with someone fairly early on -- the immediate post-coital period can be quite clarifying.

[saracrewe2]

and I didn't like the way he said pastries

This alone should be nominated for classics.

I do fear "Pastry prancer" will be a DM headline though

On a serious note I have a child with some S/L issues so it is quite sad that so many are put off people who can't pronounce certain sounds.

[saracrewe2]

On a lighter note instead of "Rhythm is a dancer" I am now hearing "Rhythm is a pastry prancer"