To have ended it with this date?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have had an abusive relationship. So I'm very wary of choosing a nasty guy again. Went on two amazing dates with a lovely man on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away (would usually would have scared me!). Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice. We had a lovely sunny day in the park. I probably did make him feel that I was really into him (I thought I was, I really did). We met the next day and I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty. He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited about his new woman. He'd posted instagram smug couple selfies.
After a couple of wines I felt more relaxed with him, but although at times I had butterflies and did fancy him, at other times little things repulsed me. Silly things like saying he'd brush his teeth so he had 'minty fresh breath' for me. I can't explain why, but that and his clammy skin made my skin crawl.
I didn't know for certain what to do, but he was getting keener and keener and so I've just very nicely ended it, saying I wasn't sure about my feelings and it wasn't fair to him to flip flop like that. He took it well though was upset. It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon. I feel awful because I did get swept up in it and did inadvertently lead him on. We even took our dating profiles down on date 2. I'm such an idiot. I think I just wanted it so much that I tried to convince myself. But it just wasn't right I don't think.
Have I made a mistake? He was sweet and kind, if inexperienced. I did fancy him at times. But the speed of things and the skin crawl feeling made me realise it wasn't right. I feel really upset and have cried tonight though.
Before you say I'm crazy and over reacting, I think the abusive relationship left me a bit raw and I'm discovering and setting new boundaries.
Just need a cuddle.

Go with your gut

I once dumped a guy because he turned up in horrible shoes.

Trust your gut and never look back.

You are right to be analysing this, OP. We all should do this, but people who have been n abusive relationships more than anyone, IMO.

You can't be too careful - this is your life we are talking about

Now, the first thing I'd say is that you went to sleeping with him too soon, I think. Hear me out. It's not from a moral point of view I say this (heck, I've had a one night stand myself) but look at this:-

When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels increase; hence, oxytocin is often called "the love hormone." In fact, the hormone plays a huge role in all pair bonding. The hormone is greatly stimulated during sex

www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin

This muddies the waters for a lot of women. It makes it more confusing and harder to analyse and assess the man in question.

Try to put that side of things off for a lot longer next time. In fact, it can also be a good way to help weed out the abusive types who will try to railroad you into sex before you want to.

Now, you have said here:-

on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away
Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice
We met the next day and I just didn't feel right
I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty
He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited
little things repulsed me
his clammy skin made my skin crawl
We even took our dating profiles down on date 2

So you met each other for the second time in your lives and you took down your dating profiles and started discussing holidays? That's far, far too soon. You didn't know each other then and you don't know each other now.

The next time you see each other you have sex.

The next time you see each other he repulses you and makes your skin crawl.

By this point, everyone he knows (including work colleagues) know about you and he is posting "smug couple selfies". But you're not a couple - you don't even know each other.

You've gone from thinking you fancy him to becoming repulsed by him in three meetings. I think you know that your whole body and brain is giving you signals that this just isn't right at all.

You sound like a nice person who probably thinks someone has to do something openly bad and awful or you don't have reason enough to finish a relationship. That isn't the case.

Feeling creeped-out or rushed is reason enough.

There is something lacking in this guy IMO if he thinks he is in a deep relationship the second time he meets a woman. Don't you get the impression you could have been anyone really?

It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon

Because it was!!!

He just came prancing towards me, joyfully exclaiming he'd got us some pastries

LOL, OP!!

Your posts are very funny. What a picture that conjures up!

If you didn't fancy him you didn't fancy him and it is quite ok not to see him again. I do, however, think it is rather unpleasant to post in the way you have on here about his mannerisms making him the subject of ridicule. Just stop to think how you would feel if he had posted in similar terms about you? I' ve been married for 34 years to someone who proposed within a fortnight and couldn't wait to introduce me to his family ( who were lovely) I think he wore white socks too ( soon cured him of that ) I would imagine that your loss will be someone else's gain.

I think what I am trying to get at in my first post is that even if you DID fancy him the relationship was going too fast. You still wouldn't have known him by then even if you fancied him rotten. In fact, it could have been more dangerous if you had fancied him as you'd probably be on your first holiday by now and moved in already

You listened to your instincts which is great.

Being overkeen and rushing things is a red flag - many abusive relationships start out this way.

That skin-crawling feeling is your intuition telling you that something isn't right - always listen to it.

Feeling panicky when things move too quickly is always a bad sign. Take your time and don't rush things. When you find the right person you just know and the speed of development won't matter.

Ah Op, don't feel bad-if it was the other way he wouldn't be giving it a second thought.

I fancied a guy & we flirted a few times.

Then one night he said that he was off to X pub & did I want to go there with him.

My friend was about to go home anyway so I agreed that I'd be along in a bit.

Then I discovered that his family were there waiting to meet me!

Needless to say I didn't go!

@DrFoxtrot my husband can't pronounce his th. Bath sounds like barf it drives me insane! It's a regional thing. As a lot with his accent say it the same way.

Sometimes you just don't have the right chemistry. I've really fancied some people before but sex killed what I had thought was a promising relationship. I got the skin crawlies like you did. Then when I met DH we had sex on the second date and I honestly felt like I'd come home and knew I was going to marry him even though I barely knew him and had forgotten his name.

knew I was going to marry him even though I barely knew him and had forgotten his name

Don't feel bad. You don't have to keep seeing someone out of pity if you don't really fancy them! And it's completely normal to have mixed feelings, and to need to take it slow, after you've come out of an abusive relationship. It sounds like this was just moving a bit too fast for where you are right now, emotionally speaking.

Pastries!!

I agree OP, you did the right thing. I'm talking to a guy atm, I've got a feeling it's going to go the same way as this, I hope not but I'll see

Trust your instincts!

you do realise that every Mnetter on the dating roundabout will now be engineering situations to make their date say "pastries".

Here are a few helpful ideas " I'm stuck on 3 down, eight letters starting with p , small sweet cakes often eaten as breakfast items..."

" What shall we have with our coffee, pork pie or pastries?"

"How many things can you name that Danish people are famous for?"

I went right off a man recently who couldn't pronounce 'th' properly

My DH says "ff" for "th" and it has taken years but he now corrects himself, then looks really chuffed when I tell him that yes, that word should have a "th" sound

You owe nobody your time or emotions.

You did the right thing but I agree with other posters who say you too allowed too much too soon.

It sounds as as if you caught up in it all - this romantic guy throwing himself at you- and you wanted sex too.

However, sex doesn't come without emotion for most people. If you'd waited till date 3, you'd have discovered the sweaty hands and the love of pastries and said no I suspect.

Having sex too soon can sometimes over complicate things because it does 'bond' two people. I know a man, who is a friend, who says he never has sex early because the women 'get attached' and he feels bad if and when he ends it.

It can work the other way too- women can feel bad if they end something when the man is keen. Like you do now.

You need to find a happy medium between choosing guys who treat you badly and those who are over invested too soon and have self-esteem issues themselves.

I don't think he did anything wrong, sounds fine, Mabey a bit keen, but if you dident feel that way. Clammy hands, Mabey the poor guy is nervous, or sweats easily, minty breath is nice, not many people like smelly breath. But if it wasent happening for you, let it go.

Gosh poor guy, just because he's keen, doesn't mean he's an abuser ffs, too aloof (playing games), too keen (an abuser).

Sounds like a guy I briefly dated. Everything was way too fast - I was out of an abusive relationship too, and it was a colleague's roommate. I was clear from the start I wasn't ready for dating but stupidly agreed to go on a casual date.

After the first date, he told his mother who "couldn't wait" to meet me. He told everyone he'd met the woman of his dreams and that threw me - he didn't even know me! He bombarded me at work and on the phone with cutesy texts, flowers etc. It felt creepy and overwhelming even though everything on the surface seemed fine about him. I did what you did and for a while I was the cunt that broke his heart. AND we never slept together - we'd barely snogged. We had two dates ffs.

He was clearly told I wasn't going to get into another relationship - his reply was that we'd take it as slowly as I needed. That chilled me. There I was telling him I didn't want to couple up with him and he was saying "shhh, yes you will, I'll give you some time on this, but ultimately you'll do what I want." It felt like I was being humoured or condescended to. Like the way you distract a toddler on say, hair washing so you are halfway through before they realise you are doing the Thing they were adamant they didn't want. There were a few small things that turned me off but those were the biggest flags.

I concluded that it wouldn't matter to him whether he knew me or not before he decided I was his dream woman because as far as he was concerned, if I veered away from his 'dream woman' plan, he'd make sure he nudged me back on. I envisioned a life of being told how to act, dress, what to drink etc.

Though he seemed fine and nice he creeped me out too much, and quickly turned nasty when I turned down a third date. At the time I put it down to my abusive relationship and that it showed I wasn't ready to date. But then I met my DP a month later and it felt so right - I knew within days this would be a significant relationship for me and I was happy about that thought. 13 years on I've never wavered.

Listen to your gut. It will serve you well.

You both rushed a bit, sex could have waited until your sure, move on, take your time to get to know someone first before sex.

OP I'm loving the image of the pastry prancer but in future give it a few more dates before you get intimate and then the possibility of cringe/feeling bad will be reduced