To have ended it with this date?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have had an abusive relationship. So I'm very wary of choosing a nasty guy again. Went on two amazing dates with a lovely man on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away (would usually would have scared me!). Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice. We had a lovely sunny day in the park. I probably did make him feel that I was really into him (I thought I was, I really did). We met the next day and I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty. He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited about his new woman. He'd posted instagram smug couple selfies.
After a couple of wines I felt more relaxed with him, but although at times I had butterflies and did fancy him, at other times little things repulsed me. Silly things like saying he'd brush his teeth so he had 'minty fresh breath' for me. I can't explain why, but that and his clammy skin made my skin crawl.
I didn't know for certain what to do, but he was getting keener and keener and so I've just very nicely ended it, saying I wasn't sure about my feelings and it wasn't fair to him to flip flop like that. He took it well though was upset. It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon. I feel awful because I did get swept up in it and did inadvertently lead him on. We even took our dating profiles down on date 2. I'm such an idiot. I think I just wanted it so much that I tried to convince myself. But it just wasn't right I don't think.
Have I made a mistake? He was sweet and kind, if inexperienced. I did fancy him at times. But the speed of things and the skin crawl feeling made me realise it wasn't right. I feel really upset and have cried tonight though.
Before you say I'm crazy and over reacting, I think the abusive relationship left me a bit raw and I'm discovering and setting new boundaries.
Just need a cuddle.

[TheFifthKey]

Sara, I think the pronunciation thing is only an issue when you're irritated by someone. If you like someone, things like that tend to be very endearing instead! I know someone who's a terrible speller and they try to use autocorrect and check a lot, but I love the odd quirky misspelling, it's so them!

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

You did nothing wrong OP - yy to trusting instinct.

I have to take issue with those saying you slept with him too soon though - is this the 1800s?? As for the oxytocin thing, not everyone feels that to any extent. It's perfectly possible to have sex with someone without it being a big deal emotionally or in any way.

And look at it this way - even if he was totally okay in every other way, he might have been sexually incompatible with you (liking things you hate etc) so nothing wrong with finding out early.

[DukeOfBurgundy]

I think the OP realised what she was actually feeling because she had sex with Pastryman, which is why I've always felt it was useful to sleep with someone fairly early on -- the immediate post-coital period can be quite clarifying.

Reading this thread, I was going to say pretty much exactly that. I think sex was the catalyst for OP realising that she's Just Not That Into Him.

It's a shame for Mr Pastry and he's probably wondering what he did wrong but, eh, as numerous MN threads say, if you're going to do OLD, you need to develop a thick skin.

OP, you weren't feeling it. You sent him a nice message letting him know. You didn't ghost him. It's all fine.

[QueenOlivine]

Totally agree about the sex - so what? If two adults are both consenting and able to make the decision, you can have sex within 10 minutes of meeting someone if you like, you shouldn't have to justify yourself. And having sex within a certain time/number of dates, or not, shouldn't affect how you feel about each other in itself. It might make you realise they're not for you sooner rather than later - or something else might, like their choice of words or their sense of humour or whatever.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Yes exactly. I do think the sex made me realise I wasn't into him. If I want to have sex with someone again I will. I am ready for dating, this has been mentioned before. Dating is actually allowing me to make decisions like this and slowly feel more confident about doing so, however strange it might feel at first. I have loads of hobbies, great friends, a family, am going on holiday with my friend soon, we do comedy nights and art galleries. I am a member of a single parents group etc etc. So I'm not sitting around waiting for a date! Before anyone mentions my dc, my position is that no one is involved in their life. I personally don't think blended families work and I don't intend to move in with anyone. I make this clear if I think a date may lead somewhere. I am selective over who I sleep with and I only do it if it feels right. However it isn't a covenant and I sadly changed my mind.

[DukeOfBurgundy]

I think the pronunciation thing is only an issue when you're irritated by someone. If you like someone, things like that tend to be very endearing instead!

I think it is actually a really good indication of whether you fancy someone. Current bf wears terrible shoes, always misspells "you're" as "your" on texts, and makes frequent terrible pun-based jokes.

I'd have considered any of those to be a dealbreaker with other men. But I really like this chap so I don't care. And I am quite fond of the Shit Dad Jokes now.

[Hellofromme]

I laughed at your op because I am exactly the same. I will find the tiniest thing which bugs me and I can't stop focusing on it eg one guy I met had a single solitary nostril hair poking out of one side of his nose and he tried to kiss me on the 2nd date and I hated it. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to see him again and I wanted to give him another chance but I just couldn't get over that hair.

Why is this guy saying 'pastries' anyway? That would put me off too. Why can't he call it a cake or doughnut or whatever.

When you meet someone right for you you won't care how he says anything. You might even find it endearing.

[Hellofromme]

Oh cross posted, someone said exactly the same!

[Viperess]

Everyone is different OP.
I take your point about sexual compatibility, but I prefer to get to know men first then decide if I like them and then have sex. Sex for me is a n emotional step as much as anything else. I'd need to have lots of boxes ticked before getting into bed with someone because sex just as sex doesn't do it for me.

But if you are ok with sex first and finding out they aren't for you later, that's fine- for you.

[TheFifthKey]

Viperess, clearly you don't think it's fine for other people as you've spent most of this thread trying to persuade OP she isn't fine about it 😄

[Darlink]

Well done OP


I was seeing a man once. I liked him a lot, he liked me a LOT .
On the 4th date I met him off the train. He was wearing white shorts and white plimsoles. He had very nice blonde long curly hair. He looked like a tall skinny toddler dressed for playtime at nursery.
That was THE END.

[Darlink]

once you feel the ick you can't switch it off.
I felt it once but wasn't sure what to think and then I saw the way he held his cutlery when cutting up a sausage.
That was GOODBYE

[Darlink]

I once ended a relationship because he had the wrong type of saliva

[DukeOfBurgundy]

Does anyone else have the Smell Thing?

Not BO or uncleanliness, just their natural smell? If you don't fancy them, it can be really off-putting.

[TheFifthKey]

My friend's dating tip is "lean in and have a good sniff" 😄 She reckons if the smell isn't there you won't be compatible!

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Yes! I didn't like his natural smell at all

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I'd like someone who is kind and loving but doesn't repulse me.

[ThomasHardyPerennial]

Is there any need to be so sneery about this man? You've decided he didn't do it for you, fair enough. It's unkind, and unnecessary to tear his mannerisms apart.

I thought we'd moved on from the cliché of effeminate men being hilarious...apparently not .

[Dozer]

I think you made a sensible decision and that it's good that you decided you didn't actually fancy him and acted accordingly.

When I was dating I sometimes stayed in relationships with men I didn't fancy much out of some weird sense of obligation, and have friends who did so for years! In retrospect that was really unhealthy.

It concerns me though that you are worrying about what he "deserves". You don't know him: your priority in such a new relationship is to determine what YOU want (or don't want:him!) You acted appropriately and don't need to think about him.

As PPs has said he was coming across as over-invested (at best) for such a new relationship. And some of those things are cringey!

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I don't think I've been sneery. I have already clarified that. This is MY space and not his. He is welcome to pick me apart somewhere if he wishes. I actually was genuinely upset when I first posted.

[cakedup]

I have been in a similar situation op. For some reason I would find myself in situations where the guy would be too much too soon, and partly because I wanted it to be true and partly because I would be somehow swept away by all the strong emotions (not paying attention to how I really felt) I'd find myself feeling trapped. My last relationship, about 5 years ago, was with a lovely guy I met on a dating website. Even before we met he was talking about the strong connection we had and how he knew I was the one. Then I met him, and although I didn't fancy him I convinced myself I did. We were together 2 years. If I said jump, he'd jump. He'd never disagree with me and treated me like a queen. I felt I'd never be treated so well by anyone else and that I should count my blessings I'd ended up with a decent guy. But it wasn't real. Him hanging onto my every word wasn't love and it wasn't genuine and it would grate on me. I couldn't ignore how I really felt.

Funny enough, the defining moment when I realised I'd have to be brave and end the relationship is when I'd made croissants for breakfast and he said "croissants!" in a french accent and then "how very continental!" and I thought no, just no. I ended it that day.

You did the right thing OP. You were true to yourself and you listened to your gut feelings.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Yes that sounds very similar. This guy kept saying I looked familiar and he felt wed known each other all our lives. I really wanted to believe it and I just didn't. So I had to end it.
My ex (abusive but I loved him) used to start texts with 'hay you' and I thought it was cute. My heart would skip to receive a message from him. When he had a stomach upset and was on the toilet for 20 mins it didn't make me less attracted to him. I don't know how or why it works that way but it does.

[Trollspoopglitter]

Hm, if a man came on here and said he had sex with a woman because it's been a while and he fancied some sex... But he was now physically repulsed by her clammy hands, I don't think he'd be told to follow his instincts.

[cakedup]

I don't mean to trump you but my guy said he felt we'd known each other in past lives!