To have ended it with this date?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have had an abusive relationship. So I'm very wary of choosing a nasty guy again. Went on two amazing dates with a lovely man on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away (would usually would have scared me!). Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice. We had a lovely sunny day in the park. I probably did make him feel that I was really into him (I thought I was, I really did). We met the next day and I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty. He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited about his new woman. He'd posted instagram smug couple selfies.
After a couple of wines I felt more relaxed with him, but although at times I had butterflies and did fancy him, at other times little things repulsed me. Silly things like saying he'd brush his teeth so he had 'minty fresh breath' for me. I can't explain why, but that and his clammy skin made my skin crawl.
I didn't know for certain what to do, but he was getting keener and keener and so I've just very nicely ended it, saying I wasn't sure about my feelings and it wasn't fair to him to flip flop like that. He took it well though was upset. It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon. I feel awful because I did get swept up in it and did inadvertently lead him on. We even took our dating profiles down on date 2. I'm such an idiot. I think I just wanted it so much that I tried to convince myself. But it just wasn't right I don't think.
Have I made a mistake? He was sweet and kind, if inexperienced. I did fancy him at times. But the speed of things and the skin crawl feeling made me realise it wasn't right. I feel really upset and have cried tonight though.
Before you say I'm crazy and over reacting, I think the abusive relationship left me a bit raw and I'm discovering and setting new boundaries.
Just need a cuddle.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

OP

men are not a necessity for life

TAKE A BREAK

spend time on ate doing courses, learning about why you tend towards abusive relationships. and building self esteem

and sport. dancing, friends, whatever floats your boat

NOT on dating and shagging weird men

that's an order!

[joystir59]

Well done for just going with how this experience made you feel. Speaking as someone who learned that my feelings don't matter, and then had to work hard to unlearn that dynamic- you should feel really proud of yourself for putting your feelings first OP.

[TheFifthKey]

I'm not sure why all the banging on about sex? OP made a decision with a clear head, she doesn't seem to regret it, I'm not seeing the problem here. Maybe if it was a pattern and she was frustrated or sad about the outcome, it would be worth reconsidering her actions, but it doesn't seem to be.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Stop fuckingshouting er...thanks for telling me men aren't necessary. I thought they were
And I wanted sex. I had sex. I don't regret it. I don't sleep around but even if I did that's irrelevant

[alicemalice]

I don't get the sex comments either - it all sounds quite puritanical to me.

If you want to have sex, have sex. It doesn't mean you have to commit to the guy.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I've slept with 4 men in 5 years. But I don't need to justify that and if I was so desperate for a man then I'd have settled!! I'm aware of my actions and my past and how that affects me. I felt funny about it but I still did the right thing.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Also. I have mates, hobbies, a great job. I'm pretty happy. The abusive relationship did mess my head up, so I'm cautious. I don't see the issue there?

[floraeasy]

Have I made a mistake?. I feel really upset and have cried tonight

Sorry, OP. I thought you were stressing. If you have decided to drop the relationship and are happy about it, all is well

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I know it's a bit mean to post on here about him, but it's my safe space (as long as the daily mail don't pick it up!!!!) And there is no malice. He's a lovely lovely man, the reasons were silly. Just not right for me.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I cried because I felt bad about hurting him last night. I feel much better today. It's hard for me to put myself first but I need to.

[QueenOlivine]

I didn't like the way he said the word 'pastries'

Oh OP you know what, it's stuff like this that puts me right off the thought of dating at the moment! I totally understand. I've come out of a very difficult relationship and it's just such a relief not having to worry about having to like someone and every little thing they do, or stressing about it if I don't.

It doesn't really mater why you felt the "not right" feelings you did - even if it just means you're not ready, or you were sensing something off about him, or he's the loveliest chap on the planet but those little things annoy you. Do what feels right for you - you're free to.

here's that (((hug)))

[Naicehamshop]

The pastries thing just made me giggle!

Honestly though op - you took this really fast. 2nd date profiles down, third date sex, fourth date repulsed by him. Not a problem with sleeping with someone on 3rd date if that's what you want, but your reaction when you met next shows that you weren't ready.

Slow down, be careful with yourself and best of luck for the future.

[19lottie82]

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, there's no point in forcing yourself to be into him if you're not (if the chemistry is not there, it's never going to happen) but maybe take things a bit slower next time?

I think all the posters that are slagging this guy off are being a bit mean though. I don't think he's done anything wrong. The OP slept with him then arranged another date, again she did nothing wrong either, but I think it was fair for him to believe that she liked him and that it was going somewhere.

[LadyPW]

I do, however, think it is rather unpleasant to post in the way you have on here about his mannerisms making him the subject of ridicule.
Exactly. Fine, so OP didn't want to continue it. That's okay, her choice entirely. But the man didn't do anything wrong. He was enthusiastic - would you all prefer someone to treat you like crap? He wanted to tell people - yes, far better to be kept a secret from the important people in his life. He sweats a bit? FFS, that's a necessary bodily function.
What is it with people on here?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

And I wanted sex. I had sex. I don't regret it. I don't sleep around but even if I did that's irrelevant

I couldn't give 2 fucks if you sleep around, I was trying to advise that if your self esteem is battered after a nasty abusive relationship it might be better to heal your self esteem , and work out what attracted you to someone abusive. before jumping back into the shark pit. with that learning you might make better relationship choices, or at least understand the red flags. you are not the first, or the last person to have been though this FYI

but yes if your need for a fuck overrides everything else, go for it! I wont bother answering, as clearly the need to fuck is your priority , each to their own and all that

its not being puritanical, its emotional self preservation

[KingsCross88]

I don't understand the 'minty fresh breath' thing, because I think I'd like that! But it just goes to show we all want different things. You never need a reason to not date someone. If it's not right, it's not right. You can't force chemistry.

[DevelopingDetritus]

I don't understand the 'minty fresh breath' thing, because I think I'd like that! I don't think OP minded the minty breath, it was the fact that he'd announced it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

This poor guy is being nit picked on, so what if he wasen't for op, he did nothing wrong.

[Aeroflotgirl]

And ok he might not be op cup of tea, but he might certainly be another woman's.

[Viperess]

It annoys me for some reason when people post 'I wanted sex so I did it.
There is this thing called self-restraint. Lots of people want sex with people who are unsuitable for all kinds of reasons. Doesn't mean you have to act on your urges though.
Sex without emotion is not as common as people would like to believe. Even men I know as friends who are promiscuous (their words, not mine) say their emotions are involved.

It's not just like having a cup of tea or a even a pastry OP. If one person is more invested than the other, they are likely to be upset a little bit more if they had sex than if they hadn't.

[TheFifthKey]

But the problem here isn't the sex! OP didn't mislead this guy - she acted according to how she felt at the time. Then she felt differently later as is her prerogative.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

Just becuase there are red flags doesn't mean he is an abuser

But what the op is picking up on is that something is making her feel uncomfortable that can be for a number of reasons

He is overly keen and seems desperate to please that is about his needs not the op's and does she really want to save/fix him no she wants an equal relationship this one wasn't

And that you are listening to those nagging thoughts and not dismissing them is a good thing

[Viperess]

Absolutely it's her perogative to change her mind.
So why does she ask a bunch of anon strangers if she did the right thing? And why did she spend a night crying over her choice to dump him?

Women who feel confident about their behaviour and choices, don't come on forums asking for advice. Do they?

Be interesting to know how she'd have felt if he'd dumped her after sex.

'fraid I'm puzzled at how quickly she changed her mind from liking him enough to have sex, then freaking out at his sweaty hands, how he says 'pastries' and his over- enthusiasm.

OP do what you want, but understand that adding in sex early can end up with you or the other person being hurt more if the whole thing goes tits up.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

In an ideal world we would all feel confident in all our choices we make but at times we are not and we need a little support that's all

The important thing is the be op is listening to how she feels not ignoring that to stay in a relationship or to please someone else

and the the op is not only listening to those inner thoughts but she is also acting on them

[Aeroflotgirl]

To me there weren't red flags by the sounds of it, he sounds nervous and eager to impress, so what! Don't people when they go.on dates! Way too much is being read into this than needs be. She has every right not to date him for whatever reason, does not mean this man is a potential abuser!