A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

[Foreverhopeful22]

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

A party for someone getting released early after killing a mother of two toddlers is about the most crass and insensitive thing I think I've read today. It's one thing for his family to welcome him home, quietly, and tell him they missed him. I'm sure they did. But it's quite another to put out the bunting, cake, and wine. Could anyone at all hint to them how that looks from the outside? If nothing else, the family might actually want to run it by the party-boy. If he has half an inch of integrity, the very idea of being "celebrated" for such a circumstance may make him want to shrivel into the ground.

And yes, I'd end that friendship yesterday.

he was caught driving yet again despite a 30 year driving ban

I'm learning new things all the time here ... I didn't know you could be banned for as long as that

I'd drop the fucking lot of them. There's two DC out there who don't and never will again have their Mum because of this dickhead.

Remorseful my arse, I bet he was only sorry for himself because he went to prison.

I too think you should remain friends with your friend, but not attend the party. I would be clear as well that you are very glad to see him out but feel that a celebration would be in bad taste given the cirumstances.

Just to give another perspective, my friend's father came out of prison (not high security) after 8 years and couldn't have anyone near him for about the first week. He couldn't cope with anyone standing behind him etc or not being able to see where everyone was. This is quite normal apparently and people are able to adjust back in time. However I think assuming your friend will be fine with the loud noise, crowds and general atmosphere of a party when he firsts gets out is wildly optimistic anyway.

He would be no friend of mine..

I don't even think he should be allowed out of prison tbqh. Couldn't even be polite to anyone who was celebrating that

Really at just how many posters know someone who has killed through dangerous driving.
OP- I think it is in terrible taste to celebrate the release of this man. He has killed a young mother, left two very small children to grow up without her. There is nothing to celebrate there. This gets SIX years? I am horrifed at how little her life has been valued. I could not go to a party like this, and I would find this crime very hard, if not impossible, to forgive, particularly as it wasn't the first time he'd been done for dangerous driving. Clearly you can't go to the party, and personally I would say why- that you don't see what there is to celebrate in this. If you don't want to be straightforward about it, then make an excuse, but I wonder if you really want this friendship to continue anyway?

If this was someone really important to me, I wouldn't want to abandon them, but be open to supporting them if, and only if they were overwhelmingly remorseful.
But if that were the case, I can't see how they'd be planning a party.

Spot on SirVix, totally.

This gets SIX years? I am horrifed at how little her life has been valued

So am I, though I believe the actual sentence was ten years, reduced to six for "good behaviour"?

OP also mentioned that the family considered the sentence too harsh, which says a lot in itself. Admittedly nobody wants to think of a family member behind bars, but their attitude, allied to the party plans, sounds pretty revealing to me

Yes it was ten, but he only did just over half because of his "good behaviour". Still shocking that killing someone through your own reckless selfishness and stupidity gets you locked up for such a short time. Driving like this is on a par with randomly shooting a gun at people, having assumed it not to be loaded, but not having bothered to check. I can't believe that would get you out in only six years.

I completely agree, SirVix, though this is usually where we get told that sentencing guidelines are tying the hands of the judiciary

Fine ... so isn't it about time they were changed?

I'm more concerned about the family than the guy. I mean, do you live on the Moorside estate or benefits street or something? because it sounds like some horrible dysfunctional hellhole where people aren't even ashamed about a family member killing a person.

my suggestion is to drop them all and maybe move.

Fine ... so isn't it about time they were changed?

Possibly, but not retrospectively. When he has done his time minus whatever he gets off for good behaviour - and it's important to incentivise that - he has to be released. Then it's his and his family's problem how to cope with him. A party is grossly inappropriate; a quiet family meal, preferably in someone's home but if it has to be in a restaurant then one where they are not known, might be right.

Sounds sensible to me, andrew

And I still think the PP's idea about asking whether this guy would be comfortable with a party is the best one. Not that I care what he thinks, but if the family say "it's going to be amazing - he can't wait ", then personally I'd have my answer

Apple - not sure how to answer that!

I think that another visit might be in order. That way I can find out myself if he is aware of "party" and also how he feels about being released.

I wouldn't go. If any friend / friends have an issue with that then they really aren't true friends anyway. A party because he was released from jail for killing someone is ridiculously disrespectful to the woman and her family. I highly doubt if the shoe was on the other foot. they would be ok with it.

I strongly disagree with people who suggest that you should drop this friend regardless. If he is genuinely remorseful and is prepared to demonstrate that - not least by refusing to have anything to do with a party - then I would say he deserves support so that he can try to make up for what he has done by the way he lives the rest of his life.

Andrewofgg is right, there may well be strict parole conditions such as a curfew or ban on going to pubs which might make this whole party idea a complete no-no anyway.

Hang on, wasn't there a thread on here earlier from a woman who asked why she couldn't have a second chance after fraud & posters point blank saying no, that she had to live with it & yet on here, posters are saying he should have a second chance because he's remorseful?

I think you should ask MN to delete this thread. If the details you have posted are true then you have put enough details for the case to be traceable.
It's horribly insensitive to the family of the victim and tbh your 'angst' about attending a party fades into insignificance compared to the loss felt by victims of dangerous drivers.

I would utterly disown him (if he was aware of the party) and his family and any friends that attended. He killed a woman. A young mother. Those kids lost her because your friend was a knob. That is not something to celebrate. He may have served his time but he should never forget that and certainly shouldn't be celebrating his 'freedom'.

Kate - I'm sorry that you feel like that. I don't think that I have given away any information that would give away who this person was.

I would do not see how it's traceable after all there are many road accidents etc . None of the newspapers that posted about mention previous driving incidents.

I do understand that it could upset people, however my only intention was to ask how I deal with this situation

summerfling That other thread was about the OP there being affected for evermore by an enhanced DBS showing her conviction up - that's not in anyone's control. Posters saying she will have to live with it are correct; she will.

This is about how the friends and families of a convicted and released person should treat him. That is in their control, subject to his conditions of parole, and it's not easy.

Parole conditions will probably not affect a meal at lunchtime in a restaurant and certainly won't affect a meal in a private home.

Forever there are so many stories ending up in the DM from MN. If the dates are accurate, maybe ask MN to edit the OP so it's more difficult for them?