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Original poster

A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

263 replies

Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 08:41

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 10/04/2017 12:57

The first two occasions were just the times he got caught; no way were they the only times he drove like a madman before killing someone. For that level of disregard alone, I'd cease the friendship.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 12:59

Why on earth woukd you keep,company with people who treat a victim and their family with such disrespect!

Catsize · 10/04/2017 13:00

It is hideously distasteful. You can see that OP and should rise above it. If your friends drop you because of this, they're not worth having. Which country are you in, out of interest?

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 13:03

UK - why?

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/04/2017 13:05

Thing is, you don't know how much he's changed, unless you've been visiting him in prision. The man that comes back out might be very different from the one who went in. And while this will shadow over him for the rest of his life, it doesn't follow he should lose all friends and family support.

Most importantly, you need to assertain if anyone has checked with him he wants a party. Raise the possiblity with your mutual friends that he might well find it in bad taste and would be worried how it would look to the victim's family. He might be horrifed, stressed and miserable at a big party, whereas be happier with a quiet drink or an invite round to a friend's house for dinner/BBQ to slowly integrate back into your community, rather than be thrown back in at the deep end with being the centre of attention.

Not only is this disrespectful for the victim's family, this is unlikely to be enjoyable or pleasent for him.

That's why you should tackle it, not just say "I'm not free"

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2017 13:05

Oh god this is very difficult

I imagine most of us understand that, OP - I've had it happen too, though here it was a 23 year old sentenced for assaulting police. I can't pretend that his mother's insistence on it all being "someone else's fault / a stitch up" hasn't affected our friendship, but then I can't go along with her view either, especially as he continues to hang around with other criminals

In the end, we can all only go with what we believe is right Flowers

Apairofsparklingeyes · 10/04/2017 13:05

You and your DH can make new friends. Those toddlers will never have another mother.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/04/2017 13:10

oh and in comparission to the other thread with the woman who stole her housemate's debit card while on Teacher Training course, to be comparable you'd need people on here saying it was ok for him to be offered a job as a driver. It's one thing welcoming him home, it's another to say he should be allowed to get his driving licence back and be employed in a driving capacity because that's what he enjoys doing.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2017 13:10

Raise the possiblity with your mutual friends that he might well find it in bad taste and would be worried how it would look to the victim's family

Actually, that's a brilliant idea - their reply may well tell you everything you need to know

PovertyPain · 10/04/2017 13:10

OP, do you think his remorse was genuinely about killing this poor women and leaving her children without a mother, or the fact that he went to jail as a result of his actions?

If his remorse is about the death he caused, then I can't see how he would want anything to do with a celebration. If he thinks a celebration is acceptable then I think that would speak volumes about the kind of person he is.

I got caught speeding once, 37 in a 30 zone coming of the motorway. I was coming back from an extremely distressing situation, and was mortified and ashamed of myself. I've been paranoid about my speed ever since. He's already been caught twice and still killed this poor woman. How many times has he broke the limit, went through red lights, and not been caught. It was only a matter of time before this happened.

VestalVirgin · 10/04/2017 13:16

oh and in comparission to the other thread with the woman who stole her housemate's debit card while on Teacher Training course, to be comparable you'd need people on here saying it was ok for him to be offered a job as a driver

What? The woman on the other thread wasn't applying for a job in a bank, was she? Just as teacher. Teachers do not have access to vast amounts of money. Besides, she didn't kill anyone. Different°

Andrewofgg · 10/04/2017 13:17

Puzzledandpissedoff As to him being disqualified see my earlier post

He will have lost his driving licence for as long as the judge said at the time, and six years ago when this man was sentenced there was no way of making it run from his release. So if he got less than six years disqualification - and only the OP can tell us if she knows - no, he is not banned. I don't like it either.

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 13:21

Andrew - I have no idea about banned.

I just know he said he never wanted to drive again

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2017 13:23

It's a fair point, Andrew - I confess I hadn't thought of it that way

However I believe OP said he'd insisted that he was "never going to drive again" when she visited him, which on the face of it would suggest genuine remorse

I wonder how long that will last ...

StarUtopia · 10/04/2017 13:26

You and your DH can make new friends. Those toddlers will never have another mother.

This ^^

wizzywig · 10/04/2017 13:27

Im only on page 2, op would you feel any differently if this had been his first offence, he was usually a sensible driver? For me, a party is inappropriate.

Dreardre · 10/04/2017 13:27

I'm sure there are people who love him and are happy to see him no longer in prison despite the terrible act he committed. But a party?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/04/2017 13:27

I wouldn't go to the party, no, let me rephrase that, I couldn't go to the party, it's just so wrong, on so many levels.

Andrewofgg · 10/04/2017 13:27

Oddly enough, I knew a woman, now long dead, who had an accident which caused minor injury the day she passed her test. She was not prosecuted; but she never drove again in the fifty-odd years she had left.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2017 13:29

I would have ended this 'friendship' the second I heard what he'd done. The party is a no-brainer. Dump these low life 'friends'.

I don't think everyone deserves a second chance. What a load of malarkey! Let's give Ian Huntly and Lewis Daynes a 'second chance', shall we? We advise anyone in a relationship where one person strikes another to leave immediately, no 'second chance' but we give a person who killed a young woman another chance?

Sounds like you have a lot of trashy friends if they even contemplate a thing like this, much less support it.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 10/04/2017 13:32

Being banned from driving is, unfortunately, no guarantee that he won't actually get behind a wheel again - especially in a case like this where there's already a history of maniacal driving

I agree. There's someone in my home town who crops up in the local news now and again for driving while banned. I don't think he's had his licence back for at least 10 years yet he still goes driving. Last I heard, he was caught driving yet again despite a 30 year driving ban.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 10/04/2017 13:35

I wouldn't go to the party and morally would have to say why.

backwardnames · 10/04/2017 13:36

I remember a case similar to this when I was working in law many years ago. It was awful. There is clearly something not quite right with this man, or his friends, for their behaviour? I wouldn't be involved with him at all personally.

ByeByeBadman · 10/04/2017 13:39

I couldn't go. It sounds like you cant either.
I bet loads of his friends feel the same. I mean, how many people are ok with someone killing a a young mother.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2017 13:39

'Being banned from driving is, unfortunately, no guarantee that he won't actually get behind a wheel again - especially in a case like this where there's already a history of maniacal driving'

Yep, look at that fucking bastard Harry Clarke. Lied for decades about his history of blacking out, killed 6 people, got off with it, banned, caught driving again. Not put in jail again.

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