MIL hit DD (4) after being told repeatedly not to. NC against DH wishes?

[netflixandnappies]

I've been wanting to post but have been shy because of judgement but I really need help as I am NC with my own family and DH isn't with me

I don't mind MIL but culturally we are not the same. She thinks it's okay to hit kids and for the most stupid bullshit, like "answering back" or spilling something if being told not to touch it. It's like she gets a thrill out of being a disciplinarian for the sake of it, as opposed to actually caring about raising a responsible healthy kid. She teases me all the time with comments like: "That shit couldn't have run in my house!" like it's a status symbol for your kids to be afraid of you. I grew up getting hit for reason, my mother was lazy and sadistic. I despise her now and we are NC after trying to be close for years.

I've never left DD alone with MIL once she hit 2 because I know what she's like. She can be lovely, but also ghetto (I come from a working class background I mean nothing by it) impatient and petty. I noticed the more DD developed a personality, MIL chastised her more. Last year I heard MIL say "stop that or I'll spank you". I was in the loo, DH was on a conference call. I came back and politely told her we don't ever do that, and even if we did, we's never extend it beyond our own discretion. She rolled her eyes and I really put my foot down and said nearly verbatim (obviously I can't recount word for word) "If you ever touch my child I won't have you around again because there'd be no trust and she isn't even naughty, you're just impatient and I'm sorry, but a little ghetto". I said the ghetto bit in a sort of jokey / serious tone that I can honestly say she didn't take offence to. We are from the same background and she knows what I mean.

On Friday MIL was with us in the living room being perfectly sweet, DD wanted an ice cream from the van outside. We all said no (no treats due to an earlier transgression). MIL was telling her no and to sit down and stop looking out the window like a puppy. DD turned around and said "I don't care" in tears and MIL got up, pulled up her skirt and gave her a huge smack on her bum. I thought she was getting up to take her from the window bay and appease her but she hit her! It happened in literally 3 seconds! I was up and grabbing my child and doing the obvious "how dare you's" but didn't want more of a scene as DD was clearly distressed (she's never been hit, or threatened to be hit). DH was trying to calm everything down after hearing the commotion and I went upstairs to calm DD down. MIL is downstairs saying I'm too soft when our DD is an ordinary child behaviour wise. What 4 year old doesn't have the odd cheeky come back? What 4 year old doesn't have the odd tantrum? I come downstairs and and grab her bag and jacket off the bannister and ask her nicely to leave so we can sort this out. DH is upset but thinks it's just a spank and he got loads when he was a kid and he turned out alright. We agreed together no spanking but somehow because it's his mother he feels like I'm being a bitch! Like she should get a pass! He conceded she will probably do it again if she see's fit so I said NC with DC!! No point having family around your kids and having to walk on eggshells because they have a fucked up flaw. He's saying NC with DC is ridiculous, she's not a pedophile etc......That's his mother etc....

What a vindictive spiteful woman.

Don't be upset op, you need to see this through now and get her told, it sorted and over with. You are not in the wrong . Tell her your dd doesn't want to see her and is upset that she smacked her , surely she will think twice in future ( if she did see her again) than risk that, especially as she is old enough to tell you now. you can say " I've asked dd to tell me if you touch her again and if you do I'll call the police" fuck her she is totally in the wrong

I come downstairs and and grab her bag and jacket off the bannister and ask her nicely to leave so we can sort this out

Asked her nicely? Fuck that I probably would have taken a match to her bag and jacket and chucked it outside, then told her she better get out there if she wants to save her stuff...slam door behind her.

Who the fuck does she think she is? to even carrying on telling your dd off for 'looking out of the window like a puppy' I would have told her to drop it then. shes four for christ's sake...

Its NC from me- Mil had her chance to fuck up her own children, break the cycle.

You're 100% doing the right thing. Her reply has made me angry so I can only imagine your blood is boiling. I wouldn't want this woman in my DD's life. My inlaws are from a different culture but respect my rules and have never said a word to suggest they don't like the way I'm raising their grandchildren. If they acted like your MIL I'm afraid I wouldn't want them around them. Difficult situation with your husband it's clear he feels differently or is afraid to confront her. Good luck

Spice On what planet are you reading anything here that suggests:
Tbh it sounds like your daughter does need some discipline OP.

Enjoy yourself in your mad minority of one

As for Is your husband from Asia/Africa ? A) OP has already been very clear vis ethnicity; B) WTF has that got to do with it anyhow? Are DDs of Asian/African men somehow de facto 'naughty' and in need of 'discipline'?

Jeez you are a serious peach huh?

I did clearly state that this is just my opinion, which I accept is influenced by my culture. Culture is also a strong point here as that's what's driving this whole situation. Adding to that, it is very unlikely that he would turn against his mother. The wife will be respected , but - unless he was born and raised here and adopted the values, he is not likely to choose the wife over the mother. He may even sneakily take the daughter to his mother, but very unlikely that he completely disregards his mother.

I'm from the UK and have social service workers in my family. You can spank but not leave a mark (so I have been told).

OP, it's your family - I was just saying my opinion from my own experience. May or may not help but it's there for reference.

Shaking what? The ethnicity(culture) has a lot to do with the grandmothers actions and the husbands response. It may surprise you to know that everyone doesn't share the same values that British people do. Hence why I asked the (very relevant) question.

Oh Netflix

Right, come on girly- you're better than this. Your mil is an absolute bitch and you need to do what's right for you and dd. This isn't about being "above" anyone else, this is about Dd's welfare and the fact that that malicious cowbag can't be trusted. You need to put your foot down with dh and mean it. If he's too much of a wimp to back you up then fine, but he continues the relationship with his mother on his own.

Stop offering to meet her, stop offering coffee etc - she doesn't have the sense or the decency to admit fault. You can't argue with stupid and this woman is as thick as: she doesn't know, and doesn't want to know, about anything that is outside of her very limited sphere of experience. You can't help that. But what you can help is how much influence she has on dd.

Netflix have you thought about counselling? It sounds like you might find it beneficial

Just wow!
I think your text to her was a masterpiece in reasonableness and restraint. Her reply was appalling.

I am the last person to ever support violence but in the circumstances I think my reply would be along the lines of "If you ever hit my child again I will hit you so hard you won't know what day it is " Then make sure your DH knows this will happen and hopefully he will get enough backbone to warn his awful mother off

and what exactly did your DH say?

I hope he's not expecting you to ever lay eyes on that bitch again after telling you you can be gotten rid of if you don't abide by her rules.

This is the way WE do things? who the F is WE? you're not we!

WE is not her being the third person in your marriage.

your DH needs to find his Balls. pronto.

IF he does not stand up for you i suggest dragging his backside to marriage counselling. This is triggering for you, he can't keep making excuses for her. You need to look after your mental wellbeing as well as your daughter and if he can't support you knowing what you've been through, then he's not right for you.

get out of the bathroom. stop hiding your feelings. make them clear.
HUGS xxx

Sent the below text and will never utter another word about it again. DH knows better to go above me. I just told him I'd take DD if he violates my trust and will class him as on MIL's side with this which makes me question DD's safety. Broke my heart to do it and am sleeping in spare room.

"MIL, lets not go around in circles. You know how I feel. Get in line, or you won't see DD. You won't be seeing DD for a few weeks anyway after this incident. She doesn't want to see you and is scared of you. The Au Pair knows to not let you in the house if you try anything stupid and DH has agreed to that. If any drama comes out of this private situation your number will be blocked and so will anyone else who butts in. I'd prefer all further correspondence to be via DH as I've lost patience and interest in you're behaviour. I wish you good health and all the best, I will also never speak poorly of you in front of DD. Lets be done with it. Take care."

Very good point whatchout

Your MIL has absolutely crossed a line and u thin it's you DH who needs to lay down the law here. I suspect she would not have smacked your daughter if she thought he would object as much as you have.

Netflix, have you replied ? Could you say "No that is who you are. I don't want my child slapped. End of" she feels justified in telling you who you are based on her values. Separate your self from this and let it sink in. She can't tell you who you are.
Hugs to you.

Sorry Netflix cross post. But less seems to be way more with this person. She wants her communication to have impact hence being so short. You are saying a lot and she can diet and get distracted by the small points not the major one you are making.

I was already supporting your NC stance as I read the OP. I doubly support it now after the exchange of texts'. In fact, I think it's absolutely imperative you go NC now.

MIL is a nasty, evil, bitch. I'm disgusted at someone who wouldn't take pride in the fact that their child has been so successful as her son has.

I'm someone who is generally very strict on manners, but I didn't see a single thing in your DD's behaviour that warranted disciplining in the ice cream incident. The "I don't care" wouldn't have even registered in my mind. For MIL to take offence at that and use it as an excuse to hit a child shows that she's well and try nuts.

As for DH, I'd straight up ask him why he loves his abusive mother more than his defenceless child, as that's exactly how how his (in)action comes across.

Good Job! If i could High five you through my laptop I would!!!! so proud of you.

You are A great Mum, and you are doing the right thing. You've had it tough yourself and it has encouraged you to make sure you don't allow this cycle to be repeated for your own child.Always trust your gut.

I know its breaking your heart right now wishing he was with you rather than feeling like hes against you for doing right by your family-but now is the time to be angry. to make a stand.

If your DH chooses to put his mother before his wife and child after watching her hit his child and seeing that text cussing out hi wife, telling her she isn't important, and that the only person who matters is his mother... then he wants his head checking. Don't let him lead this. take charge. you have done everything right and you have acted with dignity. xxxx

You're a better woman than I am - your texts are so controlled, she's fucking lucky that you haven't gone off the deep end.

Why the hell are you the one in the spare room btw - surely it should be your husband in there instead?

I wouldn't engage in any further text conversations with her either. She's probably enjoying it. She's not worth the effort.

Christ I've have flattened her.

Reading some of you're updates OP I really feel for you, you've done a fantastic job getting you're life together, and although this is awful it sounds like you have a successful Marrakesh and you're doing a great job of being a mum x

Do you have any close girl friends? Family isn't just the people we share genes with, can you build up ties with others to get a feeling of a family network?

Hahahah marriage not Marrakesh!!

ohfourfoxache I don't mind. Can't stand the drama. It's a double bed and I can have a Game of Thrones marathon with a bottle glass of wine. I'm really anxious and won't be sleeping. Thank god I'm off tomorrow. I feel so unloved. I went to kiss DD and burst into tears. DH let me down. Feel like a fool. He only was appeasing me on Friday.

Cut her off. If your dh argues then leave him.