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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

neighbour just told me to fuck off!!

280 replies

CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:32

Can't believe what's just happened!
We have lived here 10 years and it's just myself and husband now that the kids have grown up and left home
We both work full time so only really in evenings and weekends
Nice family live next door, in their 30s with 2 children, twins aged about 5/6 I would guess ( they go to school as have seen them in uniforms )
Always been polite but as I said not in very much.
We obviously do hear the general noise that comes with having kids, in the garden ( they don't let them out until about 11 which we appreciate as the last people would have them out as soon as it was 8am! ) and crying, shouting and that kind of stuff every now and then but nothing over what I would expect in a family home!
Yesterday I was popping to the shop and as getting into my car I heard a piercing scream; like the little girl was in agony and the mum shouting something, then the boy crying - didn't hear anything from the dad. Assumed maybe the boy had hurt her or some game had gone too far, it was only 6.30 so wasn't bothered remotely by the noise just to add!
I went off to the shops and came back and all quiet.
This morning I saw her taking them out somewhere in the car as I was taking the bins out so said hello, hope everything's okay. She looked at me a bit blankly and then said " why; what do you mean? " I then said " oh I heard a bit of a thud and screaming last night " and she said " and what does that have to do with you? " I then said " I'm not moaning about the noise; I just hoped all was alright " and she replied " well why don't you just fuck off! "
Great - now we live so close together it will be so uncomfortable.
Husband says I shouldn't have said anything; it wasn't my business and shouldn't have made the comment to start with!

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 14:08

That's the kind of thing the OP was enquiring about as she could hear the child was in pain. That's all.

Why would OP need to know what happened?

NotYoda · 09/04/2017 14:10

Zilpha I can appreciate you stress, but reacting like that would send people's suspicions up. it's massively disproportionate

ellenanora5 · 09/04/2017 14:10

You have done nothing wrong, she was very rude, she doesn't deserve to have that rudeness rewarded with presents, you deserve an apology from your neighbour, don't think about it anymore OP.

NotYoda · 09/04/2017 14:10

*your

purplecoathanger · 09/04/2017 14:11

We have no idea what sort of a day the neighbour was having. Give her the benefit of the doubt and hold out an olive branch.

amicissimma · 09/04/2017 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 14:12

it's massively disproportionate

Only to those who aren't in her shoes. You really have no idea what's going on in that house and I totally agree her response was rude but if it was me I could totally see myself panicking and reacting like that. It wouldn't be right and I'd feel even more stressed having done it but I could understand why it happened.

IloveBanff · 09/04/2017 14:13

No. IF the rude neighbour wants to be on good terms with the OP, SHE can apologise! The OP does not need to put herself in the firing line for more abuse.

purplecoathanger · 09/04/2017 14:14

It's not about rewarding rudeness, it's about trying to find a way forward for neighbourly harmony.

NotYoda · 09/04/2017 14:14

Zilpha

So would you apologise to the OP?

ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 14:14

I am shocked at the number of people who think it is wrong to show concern for the people you live near

Showing concern would have meant going round as soon as she heard the scream and checking if anyone needed first aid or an ambulance.

Asking the next day while the two children are standing hale and hearty in front of you is not concern. It's lazy and insensitive conversation making at best and nosey at worst.

ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 14:15

So would you apologise to the OP?

Definitely.

purplecoathanger · 09/04/2017 14:16

You can't control what your neighbour does. It's no use saying what she should do.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 09/04/2017 14:17

I find it mind boggling that this kind of rudeness is brushed off as having a bad day? Is she going to speak to her Doctor like that? Her employer? A checkout assistant in Sainsbury's? A Police officer? I suspect not. What was stopping her from abruptly responding "It's fine" and just leaving it at that?

Part and parcel of being an adult is being able to control your temper, emotions and not just blurt out whatever is in your head and on your mind. OP simply asked if everything was alright; a perfectly polite and reasonable enquiry to a neighbour she's apparently on otherwise friendly terms with.

Sometimes we have a bad day. But that doesn't remove your responsibility to behave appropriately and not be rude to people. It's perfectly possible to reply to someone in such a way that it makes it obvious you don't want to discuss the subject - and by all means if they carry on probing then you might want to be more blunt! But to tell someone to fuck off when they's asked quite innocently if everything is OK, is completely OTT and uncalled for.

purplecoathanger · 09/04/2017 14:21

Yes being told to fuck off is really nasty but what to do? Try your very best to get onto good terms, or take the moral high ground and slide into even more abuse hurling and possibly worse?

GahBuggerit · 09/04/2017 14:21

I think there's a fine line between neighbourly niceness small talk ("morning, Lovely weather isn't it") and neighbourly curtains twitching nosiness ("everything alright? I heard noises last night and wondered if everything was ok and noticed your dh didn't shout, you only let your kids out after 11and your lights are off downstairs at 7)

Op i think you just misjudged, don't apologise but just remember that not everyone is grateful for nosiness, which however it's dressed up and however good the intentions is what it was.

TotallyFFC · 09/04/2017 14:22

Crikey - so now we can't show concern for our neighbours? I'm amazed by some of these comments. OP I think you were kind to show a concern, don't lose that kindness, you're neighbour was rude, but maybe it was just the end of a really bad day.
I remember many, many years ago storming across the road to my nieghbours who were revving a motorbike loudly, probably only about 8.30pm - but they had just woken my 6 week old baby, I was trying to get some sleep and I hadn't slept in weeks - I told them I'd wrap the f around their necks if they didn't shut up. Totally, and utterly unlike me - I rarely ever swear and I could see they were shocked. Next day I felt horrible and I dropped them in a pack of beers and a huge apology! They made me a cake and offered to take baby for a while! I hope your neighbour reconsiders her reaction and makes good.

Original poster
CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 14:23

I'm sorry you're in a stressful situation
As you say I'm not aware of what could be going on and on reflection now think I should have bloody kept my mouth shut!
How would you word an apology?
Honestly she's very nice generally and so is her husband
I've only heard one row since they've lived here which was in the garden and was her moaning she was sick of doing all the driving around as he gets too nervous before a driving test to take one or pass it!

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 09/04/2017 14:26

How would you word an apology?

If it was me who told you to fuck off? I'd bring you wine and a card and wear a very red face and apologise profusely explaining that I was having a nightmare of a time and just snapped and that you had done nothing wrong (even if I thought you had) and I hoped you could accept my apology.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/04/2017 14:26

Just leave it.

She was rude to you and if she's as nice as you say she is she should be offering the apologies.

purplecoathanger · 09/04/2017 14:27

I once hurled abuse at a Salvation Army officer who knocked on my door and rattled a collecting tin at me. My baby was a terrible sleeper and I'd just got him down for an afternoon nap. My older two were at school and I was so looking forward to putting my feet up for an hour. I felt like I hadn't slept for weeks and I really lost it.

RightOnTheEdge · 09/04/2017 14:27

I have two small DC and I honestly can't ever imagine talking to a neighbour or anyone like that no matter what kind of day I'd had! There is just no need.
A quick fine thanks would do!

I have a really nosey neighbour but we get on well and have to live next to each other so I just give a polite answer and roll my eyes internally.

NotYoda · 09/04/2017 14:28

If your neighbour is like Zilpha then she would apologise, as Zilpha would. And you say your neighbour is nice, so give her time.

I would not apologise. It's a step too far IMO

NotYoda · 09/04/2017 14:28

X post!

SnookieSnooks · 09/04/2017 14:31

Wow! Your neighbour is incredibly rude and sensitive. I think what you said was entirely reasonable.