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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

neighbour just told me to fuck off!!

280 replies

CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:32

Can't believe what's just happened!
We have lived here 10 years and it's just myself and husband now that the kids have grown up and left home
We both work full time so only really in evenings and weekends
Nice family live next door, in their 30s with 2 children, twins aged about 5/6 I would guess ( they go to school as have seen them in uniforms )
Always been polite but as I said not in very much.
We obviously do hear the general noise that comes with having kids, in the garden ( they don't let them out until about 11 which we appreciate as the last people would have them out as soon as it was 8am! ) and crying, shouting and that kind of stuff every now and then but nothing over what I would expect in a family home!
Yesterday I was popping to the shop and as getting into my car I heard a piercing scream; like the little girl was in agony and the mum shouting something, then the boy crying - didn't hear anything from the dad. Assumed maybe the boy had hurt her or some game had gone too far, it was only 6.30 so wasn't bothered remotely by the noise just to add!
I went off to the shops and came back and all quiet.
This morning I saw her taking them out somewhere in the car as I was taking the bins out so said hello, hope everything's okay. She looked at me a bit blankly and then said " why; what do you mean? " I then said " oh I heard a bit of a thud and screaming last night " and she said " and what does that have to do with you? " I then said " I'm not moaning about the noise; I just hoped all was alright " and she replied " well why don't you just fuck off! "
Great - now we live so close together it will be so uncomfortable.
Husband says I shouldn't have said anything; it wasn't my business and shouldn't have made the comment to start with!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:50

I didn't even think of that. I now feel awful she thinks I was thinking there was more to it as I really don't!
It was take a nasty person to be beating their kids up at 6.30 in the living room surely!!
I've heard her shout at them but nothing more ever - they are both quite hyperactive children in comparison to mine were but then I didn't have twins so I'm sure they wind each other up and so on
I didn't get the chance to say anything as she was in the car and gone straight after that comment.
I will try and apologise but I shouldn't have said anything and feel terrible now.
I wasn't making a dig about the noise - it was 6.30!!
It was only out of concern and it sounded like a thud and then screaming so like someone running into a door / wall / down the stairs for instance!

OP posts:
PaulDacresFeministConscience · 09/04/2017 09:50

I think your neighbour was very rude. You were asking if everything was alright - so telling you to fuck off was very rude. She could have just said 'it's fine' and left it at that.

TaliDiNozzo · 09/04/2017 09:51

If emotions were heightened in her house, she may have thought you were being nosey. Perhaps you may have come across that way without realising? She did have a massive overreaction and was very rude but I wouldn't take it to heart, sounds like it's been a bad day.

FrogsLegs31 · 09/04/2017 09:51

If you really phrased it as "is everything alright" rather than "your little one made a right yelp yesterday, nothing serious I hope!?" Then I can see a number of ways she could have interpreted it badly.

She may have thought you were implying;

  • it sounded like she was abusive to her child
  • it sounds like she can't cope
  • it sounds like her child was seriously injured and she isn't aware of that.
icelollycraving · 09/04/2017 09:52

Perhaps she is a victim of dv,maybe her husband is? Maybe she just had a really shit day. Kids are bloody trying sometimes.
Yanbu to show concern but it perhaps came out as a bit nosy. She was rude in her reply. Just ignore her from now on but if there is reason to think there is a problem don't ignore that.
It was probably kids just playing (roughly). You didn't hear anything from a parent. Maybe they picked up one child and put them in their room or something?

HecateAntaia · 09/04/2017 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1483387154 · 09/04/2017 09:52

Hopefully she was just having a bad day.
Continue talking to her as before and pretend it didnt happen.

Original poster
CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:53

Well this is one my husband is right on then!
Kicking myself now
I've heard them argue and scream before but never would have dreamed of saying anything, it was only the sound and scream that made me wonder if all ok
I should have just seen the kids ( who clearly aren't hospitalised with anything and off for a day out ) and kept my mouth shut
Bloody he'll

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 09/04/2017 09:53

YABU. It is entirely inappropriate to comment about children's arguments / fights / screams / quarrels etc. It really isn't any of your business - unless you have genuine, ongoing welfare concerns, which doesn't seem to the be the case here.

I suggest you apologise for your perceived interference and nosiness. To keep things smooth between you, you could also say something along the lines of how much you enjoy hearing littel children play.

MakeItRain · 09/04/2017 09:53

I don't think you should apologise. You asked if everything was OK. You then said you weren't complaining about the noise. Her reply was very defensive and rude. If anyone should apologise, she should.

alicemalice · 09/04/2017 09:54

You shouldn't have said anything. Kids make all kinds of dramatic screaming/shrieking noises and now she'll feel really uncomfortable that you can hear it and are concerned about them.

icelollycraving · 09/04/2017 09:55

My post did sound a bit mn overreaction with the dv bit but I'd think it was what you were getting at or that the dc were hurt on purpose.

QueenieGoldstein · 09/04/2017 09:55

I just don't see why you had to say anything at all. Ten to one she's taken it that you are judging her and it could have so easily been avoided with a simple "Morning" instead.

Try and think back to what it was like when you had small children, you must have had days or nights where it seemed like every fucking thing in the world that could conspire against you did and then to top it off someone makes a comment to you that just pushes you over the edge (even if it was innocently meant) and you respond that way. Cut her some slack and keep your comments to niceties or the weather in future.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2017 09:55

Don't say anything more op to her, you don't need to apologise, she does, there is nothing wrong with enquiring if everything is ok if you hear a child scream and I'm appalled that people think you can hear a child scream and it would be rude to comment and intrude on their business. In what fucking planet is that reasonable?

I'd also have said something. I wouldn't have called the police on a scream but I would ask if everything was ok. If I heard repeated screams then yes I'd call social services.

She was the rude one, she should have apologised for the noise and if anything reassured you. Telling you to fuck off is outrageous.

Original poster
CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:56

I wasn't thinking she hurt the child, why would she think that?!
Oh god that's awful now, I wasn't thinking that at all.
As I said above it would take a complete asshole to be hitting the kids ( could hear both crying ) at 6.30 in the living room!!
I did hear her shout but wasn't sure if it was a shout of " stop running so fast " or telling the other one off for hurting his sister
It was all quiet by the time I got back from the shops half hour later

OP posts:
dollarstodonuts · 09/04/2017 09:58

No you should absolutely not apologise for to someone who told you to fuck off. She was extremely rude. Her reaction was hugely disproportionate to your question even if she did feel it was intrusive. I would actually now be concerned for her kids.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 09/04/2017 09:59

I probably wouldn't have made a comment, but if a comment like that had been made to me I wouldn't think it was anything other than concern. BUT I would start wondering if there might be issues based on her reaction. Not necessarily horrendous issues, but struggling to cope (which we all do at times).

Original poster
CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:59

I couldn't call social services for kids screaming - all kids scream and cry! I'm quite aware of that and wouldn't think anything of it without something else worrying me which is really not the case!

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/04/2017 09:59

Don't try to apologise - leave her alone! You shouldn't have asked, you caught her at a bad time. I would have assumed you were having a PA dig as well - I wouldn't have told you to fuck off but I would have been thinking it

SmallBee · 09/04/2017 10:02

OP I'd have done the same as you, for the same reason so don't beat yourself up. It wouldn't occur to me that I was bring nosey I'd have thought I was showing neighbourly concern... Good job I've read this thread now, I won't make that mistake!

I wouldn't try and speak to her again, it'll only make things worse. I'd just leave the rude cow neighbour alone and ignore.

thebakerwithboobs · 09/04/2017 10:03

I think I'm repeating what others have said here. Your neighbour was, of course, very rude. However, if you were genuinely concerned about it, you would have done something at the time wouldn't you? If it were that piercing a scream and that much of a thud, and you really were worried someone was badly hurt, you would have responded. You didn't, so your question was entirely nosey whether you want to admit it or not

Marmalade85 · 09/04/2017 10:03

Sounds like she's had a very bad day/night and took it out on you. I'm sure she'll be fine next time you see her.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/04/2017 10:04

I wouldn't apologise to her.

I wouldn't have asked the question you did but her reaction was entirely over the top. She owes you an apology for telling you to fuck off.

I'd just ignore her in future.

carabos · 09/04/2017 10:05

Well this thread has certainly resolved a dilemma I was planning to post about today. Yesterday I heard one of our neighbours shouting foul, abusive language at the top of his voice at his DP. They had their balcony door open and I was in the courtyard below. It was along the lines of "every time I come in here there's fucking mess all over that fucking table, why can't you fucking clear up". Then a minute later, "don't you move my fucking stuff, that's my fucking , got that from a client, don't fucking touch it".

I was going to ask if AIBU to quietly ask her if she's ok next time I see her alone, but now I know...

MatildaTheCat · 09/04/2017 10:05

She was absolutely out of order. You make a polite enquiry and clarify you aren't complaining and she tells you to fuck off? I would be frosty from now onwards. She should be apologising, not you.

I cannot conceive of responding that way in the situation you describe.