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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

neighbour just told me to fuck off!!

280 replies

CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 09:32

Can't believe what's just happened!
We have lived here 10 years and it's just myself and husband now that the kids have grown up and left home
We both work full time so only really in evenings and weekends
Nice family live next door, in their 30s with 2 children, twins aged about 5/6 I would guess ( they go to school as have seen them in uniforms )
Always been polite but as I said not in very much.
We obviously do hear the general noise that comes with having kids, in the garden ( they don't let them out until about 11 which we appreciate as the last people would have them out as soon as it was 8am! ) and crying, shouting and that kind of stuff every now and then but nothing over what I would expect in a family home!
Yesterday I was popping to the shop and as getting into my car I heard a piercing scream; like the little girl was in agony and the mum shouting something, then the boy crying - didn't hear anything from the dad. Assumed maybe the boy had hurt her or some game had gone too far, it was only 6.30 so wasn't bothered remotely by the noise just to add!
I went off to the shops and came back and all quiet.
This morning I saw her taking them out somewhere in the car as I was taking the bins out so said hello, hope everything's okay. She looked at me a bit blankly and then said " why; what do you mean? " I then said " oh I heard a bit of a thud and screaming last night " and she said " and what does that have to do with you? " I then said " I'm not moaning about the noise; I just hoped all was alright " and she replied " well why don't you just fuck off! "
Great - now we live so close together it will be so uncomfortable.
Husband says I shouldn't have said anything; it wasn't my business and shouldn't have made the comment to start with!

OP posts:
hmcAsWas · 09/04/2017 10:25

She was rude but you should have just left your greeting at 'Good Morning' - as you can see from this thread most people would have read into your comment of 'is everything okay' as either you being nosey or a passive aggressive way of complaining about the noise etc

If she is generally polite I would just leave this. She is probably feeling embarrassed in hindsight. I'd be tempted to pretend it didn't happen and keep smiling / saying hello when I came across her

Allfednonedead · 09/04/2017 10:27

I'm gobsmacked once more at how unfriendly (to my eyes rude) the English are! The number of people identifying polite conversation as 'poking your nose in' or 'passive-aggressive' is astounding.
Are you the kind of people who think it is hypocritical for a colleague to say 'how was your weekend?' if they're not your best mates, or don't like shop assistants talking to you (aka being polite)? Or maybe you're the retail staff who never make eye contact?
OP, your question was fine. Either your neighbour was very stressed (I've had moments when I might have responded like that due to stress and MH issues, but I would have apologised), or she's a rude cow. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this once.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/04/2017 10:27

when rudely sticking your nose in other peoples private business, you should expect to be told to fuck off

Wow. I guess you're the neighbour, then.

EatsLeavesAndShit · 09/04/2017 10:27

Don't apologise, you don't owe her anything; she told you to fuck off!

Going around with Easter treats just seems cringy and doormat-like. You made an offhand comment and she was a complete dick about it.

I agree with LiviaDrusillaAugusta just get on with your life.

SleepFreeZone · 09/04/2017 10:29

There are some rough old birds on this thread if your standard answer to the OPs question would be 'fuck off' Hmm

Thank god my neighbours are civil.

SouthWestmom · 09/04/2017 10:30

Some of the replies on here just echo the whole my 'kids my rules' thing that loads of Mumsnetters subscribe to. You now, don't let MiL near the baby, don't tell my kid off, don't do this, don't do that.
Normal people make conversation and it sounds like you were just chatting. My neighbours and I chat and if I heard a huge scream I may well comment and they'd reply, probably moaning about their over dramatic little darlings.

Don't take bloody presents over - you'll look like a total loser and feed her sense of entitlement.

Wdigin2this · 09/04/2017 10:31

OK, maybe you shouldn't have said anything, but the neighbour's comment was way over the top...makes you wonder what actually happened!

flapjackfairy · 09/04/2017 10:33

I find it depressing that people think it is totally acceptable to tell your neighbour to eff off simply for making innocent conversation.
They keep saying in the media how lonely people are in this country and that nobody knows their neighbours any more . Is it any wonder if most people think it is ok to swear at their neighbour for no good reason.
I despair op your neighbour sounds horrible . I would forget it though and just ignore them from now on. I certainly wouldnt be apologising !!

MrsELM21 · 09/04/2017 10:33

I wish you were my neighbour! Ours complain about the sound of the kids footsteps in the house, I continue to count down the days until we can move Angry

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 10:34

I also think you did absolutely nothing wrong. The neighbour probably just had a really stressful day and she might be sleep deprived with young twins. She definitely shouldn't have spoken to you like that. She could have just said 'everything's fine' and driven off.
I wouldn't take easter gifts round because if the neighbour has now taken a dislike to you (unfairly so) then she'll probably just be highly irritated with anything that you do. If you're really bothered then maybe put a short note through her letterbox saying you didn't mean to cause any offence at all

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/04/2017 10:35

I did the same a couple of years ago. My neighbour's kids were always fighting and getting into trouble and apart from (honestly) gritting my teeth at the noise I NEVER said anything. Then one day I heard a crash and real crying. Full on terrified, hurt, real sobbing. I was on the phone so did nothing, but when I finished the call I dropped over to see if all was OK (I did know my neighbours, maybe this made a difference) and if I could help. One child had climbed on an adult bike and fallen. They were OK (apart from a bruise), the bike was OK, the mum was shaken but OK. She was a little abrupt with me, but I think this was because she was in a bit of shock, and just wanted the incident over, but not at all rude. Thing is, I'd have felt awful not saying anything - so it was a catch 22. We never mentioned it again. I don't think either of us were rude. I think the OP's neighbour was rude.

Moral of the story - maybe get to know your neighbours and you won't be misinterpreted if you do the neighbourly thing?

Also - I suspect that all is not well in the house next door. That reaction was a little over the top (just a hunch).

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/04/2017 10:35

No dick jumping op. Its really not attractive. She's the one who told you to fuck off.
If anything it should be her apologising and bringing you presents.

dinosaurcookie · 09/04/2017 10:36

She was rude... at least you know now to just ignore her rather than show concern. I get that sometimes it can be irritating when it appears that others are commenting on your business but honestly that was a major overreaction. Ball is in her court and she should apologise to you.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 09/04/2017 10:37

If my neighbours checked on our welfare every time they heard a loud scream, they'd be checking a lot. One of my children is very dramatic...

treaclesoda I think I have your childs twin here! Grin also completely overdramatic about everything .
Already had to tell him off this morning for screaming. Why? Because he died in bloody roblox! .

I don't think you were sticking your nose in per se you were just enquiring if everything was alright. When we first moved here it was a nightmare. Just split from the DCs dad. Both children unsettled and every bloody day was a battle of wills (DS has SNs). I remember once leaving them to scream it out whilst I sat in the e for five minutes to 'recharge and try again' neighbour knocked on that night to ask if all was okay as she could hear the kids but couldn't hear me. Walls are paper thin. I wouldn't have dreamt of telling her to fuck off - she was just concerned.

No excuse OP but if you usually get on well you've probably just caught her at the end of her tether. Try not to overthink it.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 09/04/2017 10:39

*garden not e.

scaryteacher · 09/04/2017 10:42

I would have asked if everything was OK as well, YANBU. Her response was rude.

Original poster
CrazyCatzCuckoo · 09/04/2017 10:44

I just really feel terrible if she thinks I'm implying an adult was hurting the kids as I wasn't and I know when my kids were young I'd have been bloody outraged if someone implied that
It's hard to get to know them as we don't get home until 7 and by this point all their lights off are downstairs so I'm assuming they are putting the little ones to bed!

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 09/04/2017 10:45

I think you were merely asking in a concerned way, she was defensive and very rude but probably at end of her tether as pp said. She is probably v embarrassed now. Very unfortunately we have plenty of shouting here (terraced houses) and I would do same as you if concerned and would hope others would ask me too.

supersop60 · 09/04/2017 10:45

Her reaction was a bit OTT, and I don't think you said anything terrible. My DD would scream "no, mummy, no!" when I wanted to change her nappy. I wouldn't have been at all surprised if the neighbours had made a comment!!!

Wdigin2this · 09/04/2017 10:45

I've just read some more of this thread, please don't go around there with gifts or apologies.....you're upset enough already, imagine how you'd feel if she slams the door in your face!
I think you should just accept that, any comment on the noise was probably not going to go down well, and move on. Next time you see her, simply say, hello/morning etc, and walk away. It'll eventually blow over and be forgotten, as most things do!

Jaxhog · 09/04/2017 10:47

I would have said something too (and have in the past).

She was very rude, but I'd put it down to stress with a bad night with her kids. She's probably already regretting what she said.

abigamarone · 09/04/2017 10:48

The only time her response would have been appropriate is if you'd banged on the wall, yelling "shut the hell up".

Stickerrocks · 09/04/2017 10:49

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You asked an innocent question and she was rude. Please don't take round gifts or apologise or she will think that you are stalking them, making an even bigger issue of the situation. Just smile and wave in the future.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/04/2017 10:50

I think if what you heard doesn't have you phoning 999 when you hear it, you don't mention it the next day unless you know them very well

See, this is how Baby P and Victoria Climbie lost their lives - no-one interfered. I think it's disgraceful that a simple, concerned comment from a neighbour results in a whole load of you piling in to give the OP a kicking.

OP, YANBU, it would certainly make me keep a closer eye on those kids if the mother is that defensive over a simple comment - she might just have been having a bad day, but you don't know that.

JustSpeakSense · 09/04/2017 10:51

It's not appropriate to go around and apologise or take gifts.

The neighbours just want to be left alone, if I were you I'd just stay away, smile and say hello if you bump into them, that's all.

Her reaction to your questioning her was quite rude, but she has made herself clear, she wants you to leave them alone.