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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think of having another DC so my 'only' won't be lonely?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 09/04/2017 09:24

I have a highly social 3yr old who actively seeks out children to play with everywhere we go. I worry she will be lonely if I don't have another to give her a playmate/ companion for life in the form of a sibling.

I never set out to have just one but I have found caring for my DC overwhelming. I have a satisfying, demanding job and a supportive DH but the Lion's share of childcare and worrying about household tasks falls to me.
I adore my DC beyond words but the thought of having the Lion's share of 2 to look after fills me with dread.
BUT as many point out, the baby years go by so fast and then DCs are (apparently) at school and there's a lot less to do and they're self sufficient etc... have no idea if this is true - just what people say.

So... if you have one or more or you were an only.... what do you think ?

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 09/04/2017 09:29

I am an only child. I hated it as a child. . And I still hate it as an adult..
I have no family except my dc.

Of which I have many -
I was determined after I am gone they will have lots of love and support from each other for the rest of their lives.

Needmorewine · 09/04/2017 09:31

Following as I feel the same. However well aware how difficult sibling relationships can be and there are no guarantees. It's very hard isn't it.

Kpo58 · 09/04/2017 09:32

I hated being an only and asked my mum for years to have a sibling. I still hate being an only and feel very jealous when DH talks about the past with his sister.

LindyHemming · 09/04/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1Evaline1 · 09/04/2017 09:33

I have two older brothers and although we are somewhat close I wish my parents had had another child after me preferably a sister.

I really wish I had a sister

Glossolalia · 09/04/2017 09:34

I would thinking long and hard about how well you would be able to cope with a second child.

I wouldn't do it just for the sake of giving my DD a sibling.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 09/04/2017 09:34

I personally think that's not a good reason to have another. Youve no guarantees your kids will get on and keep each other company. Only children will still have friends at school.

Someone at work told me to have 3 kids because if1 of them doesnt want to play the other 2 can still play together. Hmm

OrianaBanana · 09/04/2017 09:35

I had a second partly so my 1st wouldn't be lonely, or overburdened when I get old and he has to look after me. Grin

She is adorable. But it's very hard work. There are pros and cons to each situation. As your DD goes to school she will be surrounded by people every day and have friends over etc. With a second she won't have as much of your time and might find it tough. It's a hard one xx

londonfeather · 09/04/2017 09:36

Well an alternative view... I'm an only and it's been great for me. I've loved it... and have had so many opportunities and such a good relationship with my parents all my life. Even when my amazing mum died a few years ago I'm still fine with 'just' being an only. I've got lots of good friends, family and never feel alone.

I really think you should do what you feel is right for you.

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood · 09/04/2017 09:39

I have an only, he has lots of friends and cousins he spends time with and I make a conscious effort to arrange play dates more than if maybe I had another child. He's also quite socially adept, if we're out alone he doesn't seem to have a problem going up to other children and joining in with them.

I know a few onlies who don't describe their childhood as lonely, and I know a few people who have siblings they never see/speak to. I have an older brother and we didn't really play together as children, though we are close now. Have another child if you want one - your existing child will be fine either way!

Scrumptiousbears · 09/04/2017 09:39

I initially justified my second for this reason. The main thing I was scared about was we're are older parents and there were no children in the family now so when my partner and I die (morbid sorry and both our fathers died young) she would be alone.

I also found the first hard work and also have a demanding job I love. Pretty much same scenario are you. I had another girl. There's 22 months between them and yes it's mighty hard work.

Initially my oldest didn't like her lol but now you see a bond/friendship developing and it's lovely to see.

When discussing this with my sister before I got pregnant again she said there was no guarantee they'd like each other Hmm. She was adamant she'd not have any children and now she has one and considering another Grin

blondehair · 09/04/2017 09:40

I'm an only child. I hated it growing up. Always asked my mum to have another baby so I wouldn't be lonely but it never happened. I know the reason was because she never found someone while I was growing up and my dad left before I was born. But she also said she would never go through labour again. Doesn't bother me now. It was her choice.

neonrainbow · 09/04/2017 09:41

That's a truly shite reason to have a baby. You should have a baby because you want one for its own sake and because you feel you have something to offer a child. Not because you want a ready made playmate (who won't be able to play with your child for a good couple of years and the two kids might hate each other and fight all the time anyway).

Introvertedbuthappy · 09/04/2017 09:43

Oh how I wish I had been an only child...I hate my brother and he me.
Honestly, my DH was an only and loved it. My DS1 was an only for 7 years - loved it, so many advantages - wonderful holidays, only having to consider one set of needs. I have fond memories of going to the park with a book and reading it all while he made new friends and played with them.

I had DS2 a year ago and although I love him to pieces as well I have found it hard to balance 2 sets of needs. I am also aware that life is less DS1 related and that upsets me (he claims not to mind, he loves DS2). For example we used to go hiking regularly - hard to do with a bad back and a heavy toddler.

I know lots of families - some with one child, some with five - it really is all different. Please don't have a child because you think you should. There are so many advantages to just having one.

ElspethFlashman · 09/04/2017 09:44

I had a second so my first wouldn't be an only. We're older parents and won't be around past them being 40 or so. 45 if we're lucky.

I want them to have a link with the past beyond that.

No guarantees of course. They may have a massive falling out, they may loathe each other....but I'll try to forge a strong bond between them.

I am a child of older parents who had lost almost everyone by 35. I say almost, because I have my sibling. I thank God for that. I have someone who shares my memories. They are a living link to my past and if I have any questions about our upbringing that I'm fuzzy about, they fill in the blanks. They can identify people in photo albums I can't. They can reminisce with me when I feel lonely for my folks. "Hey remember how Dad used to XYZ wierd thing?" And they remember too!

Having a second is five times the work. But it's much easier than having three - that's what I tell myself! You always have it easier than someone else.

UpTownFuck · 09/04/2017 09:44

I am a only child and have always been happy about it, never wanted a sibling.
I have one DS and unsure whether we will have another but I'm not worried about him being a only one.

ElspethFlashman · 09/04/2017 09:48

I will also say that my kids have no nearby cousins - you see a lot of only children who get that interaction from cousins but not everyone is lucky enough to have an extended family. So if they turned out to be a bit socially awkward, or a bit shy or just introverted, they may end up with no family and few friends.

At least then they'd have another child living in the house.

iklboo · 09/04/2017 09:53

I was an only & loved it. DS is an only. He's not lonely at all. He has plenty of friends, does lots of extra curricular activities etc but gets time to be on his own when he wants.

DH has three brothers and hated it. They didn't get on well growing up. BIL2 especially bullied him relentlessly. None of the brothers are close now.

DS also knows we wouldn't be able to afford the things we do now (holidays, theatre trips, theme parks etc) if he had siblings.

viques · 09/04/2017 09:54

They may not get on. A sibling friendship that works is a wonderful thing, an ally against the world , someone to share memories with. It is something I would love to have.

but I had a childhood blighted by my siblings jealousy , bullying and cruelty, both emotional and physical. When I think back to my childhood I am horrified by the way my sibling treated me, some of the things were known about by adults, and should have been dealt with, but they weren't, so in private my life was a walking on eggshells hell.

It was not until I was adult that I had the strength to go NC.

VillageFete · 09/04/2017 09:55

I needed to see this thread today.

I have a DD about to turn 8. I have secondary infertility, been trying for another baby for 3 years. Tests etc show that it's probably not going to happen without IVF.

She is SO lonely. I do my best for her, take her to lovely places, on nice holidays, have her cousins stay over etc. I also have a large group of friends with children and we do loads together, but she gets jealous that all the other kids have siblings. All she says lately is how lonely and bored she is and how it's not fair that she has no brother or sister to share a relationship with. It's making me resent her Sad Nothing I do is good enough and I am trying desperately to give her the sibling she wants/needs.

I have no advice really, but you aren't alone, I am not certain I want to go through with IVF, it's so expensive and it just feels wrong to me? I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want another baby enough? I am just doing it for DD?

It's a horrible boat to be in.

strugglingwithmaths · 09/04/2017 09:57

I had a second and part of the thinking was that I didn't want my DD to be alone when DH and I died. I've recently been dealing with very ill parents, and having my DB to share the burden and the decision making has been invaluable. We do t always get in but we're still family.

Foslady · 09/04/2017 10:00

Had written out a long post about how and why my only child isn't lonely but have deleted it as all I end up doing is feeling as if I have to justify it. I had no choice, xh said one and one only and no such thing as a happy accident then had so called happy accident with ow . Her life is what it is. I have helped her make the most of her status as an only child, and as her mum that's all I can do.
Chose what you want for your child, just don't believe all only children have to be lonely,

Foslady · 09/04/2017 10:02

And also read some of the threads on here - not all siblings believe that they should have to equally care for ill parents

cardibach · 09/04/2017 10:03

Village do you think she may be picking up on your anxiety? Only going on about it like that seems odd for a child. My DD is an only and she has friends who are onlies and I've never heard them mention it at all.
OP, your child is 3. If you TTC now, she'll likely be 4 before your second is born. By the time your baby can walk about and play your fist child will be 6. They won't play together because they'll be at such different stages. They may become close later, but by then they'll have created friendship groups. If you want another baby and can afford it (in terms of time as well as money) then have one, but don't kid yourself you are doing it for the first child.

Katmeifyoucan · 09/04/2017 10:06

My first baby had dreadful colic and I really didn't want to go through that again. Like you I found it overwhelming. However I wanted her to have a sibling so we had dc2. Dc2 was a much easier baby so my experience was totally different second time around. They are very close and having each other makes life easier as they tend to amuse themselves more.