AIBU to think of having another DC so my 'only' won't be lonely?

[firstimer30s]

I have a highly social 3yr old who actively seeks out children to play with everywhere we go. I worry she will be lonely if I don't have another to give her a playmate/ companion for life in the form of a sibling.

I never set out to have just one but I have found caring for my DC overwhelming. I have a satisfying, demanding job and a supportive DH but the Lion's share of childcare and worrying about household tasks falls to me.
I adore my DC beyond words but the thought of having the Lion's share of 2 to look after fills me with dread.
BUT as many point out, the baby years go by so fast and then DCs are (apparently) at school and there's a lot less to do and they're self sufficient etc... have no idea if this is true - just what people say.

So... if you have one or more or you were an only.... what do you think ?

If you choose to have another kid it has to be solely for your own wants. What if it's disabled and your older kid ends up having to care for them once you die? What if they can't stand each other? Do you really want to bring another person into the terrifying near future of this destroyed planet? Other threads here always say kids only get harder with age, and more expensive. Less explosive shitting but more emotional support needed.

You really have to do what's right for you. Don't have another child if you don't want one/ won't cope. Giving your DC a sibling is not a reason to have another child.
Having said that, I am one of 3 (well 4 actually but one sadly passed away at birth) and I am ridiculously close to them. I literally cannot imagine my life without my siblings. I really love them to bits and we had the best childhood. Even with a 4/5 year age gap we spent our childhood with an instant playmate and had amazing summers. I really missed them both when they moved out for uni. I actually cried! We're all used to living apart now. But see each other around once a month and we love getting together. I'm not trying to guilt trip you. Just sharing my experience. Most people I know with siblings do get along. Teenage years are usually tough but usually once adulthood reaches most of them mature and have lovely relationships.

Do you really want to bring another person into the terrifying near future of this destroyed planet oh gosh... please no one be put off getting pregnant because of a statement like this.

I don't think a big gap means that they don't interact till they're adults.

I have friends who had an only, then a most unexpected accident when the only was 10. They're now 13 and 3 and spend a great deal of time together. Yeah the little one annoys the older from time to time as she follows her around like a shadow, but you'd be surprised how often the 13 year old plays Barbies with the little one. Enjoying not having to be a tween for a little while I guess.

Cardi I really don't know. We have never discussed our infertility around her or ever told her we'd love a sibling for her. We have a full, busy life and at times I wonder why I'm even bothering to try for another (although something does feel missing)

She genuinely goes on alot about wanting a sibling. It could be because her close friends all have little sisters or brothers and dote on them. She feels she is missing out. On the ocassions she has sleepovers with my mum she loves to tell my mum how boring it is, how she wishes there was someone else to play with. My mum commented on how much she says it the other day. It is frustrating me so much, I feel like screaming at her to shut up and get on with it. She's such a dramatic child.

I think we'll have a go at IVF in the summer, but we can only afford one go, so if it doesn't work then it's the end of the road and we will all have to accept & deal with it. I will have to sit her down and explain why she can't ever have a sibling & hope she adapts to the fact.

I never get the argument about having a second child so that they can share the burden of looking after you? How many times do we read about parental care being left to one child whilst the other one shirks responsibility? Does that mean your children will have to live near you or move back to look after you when they get older?

Similarly, not being all alone when both parents go. How many times do we read on here about unwanted family inviting themselves over for Christmas and people doing nothing but moaning about them?

If you want another, have another but because you WANT a child, not as some future insurance policy.

Village I'm sorry to hear what you're going through
As others say, there's no guarantee they'll be close.
Yukbuck. This is really interesting to hear . I have a DS and she was totally dreadful to me growing up. Slightly better now but not by much.
Good point re the big age gap, but I still feel 'selfish' toward my DD to think about just one. Society doesn't help !

*Meant DSis rather than DS

Having a sibling means lots of arguing but also a lot of sharing, forgiving, compromising etc. And sorry through all parts of life. Obviously not a guarantee though as some siblings never get on.

I'm one of four, my partner is an only.. we have 7 and there is just certain things he doesn't get..and a lot of stuff he didn't do as a child that he would if he had siblings.

I was an only,parents alienated all anunts uncles and cousins,so very lonely,never managed to get that back as an adult...a full sibling would of lifted my life like you wouldn't belive....but so would of having cousins and relalatives I saw regularly....I think if you have lots of involved relatives you could wing it .but if it's just the 3 of you,I'd say yes...

The only reason to have a child is because you want one.

By the time you get pregnant and have the baby your highly social 3 yo will be at school, having play dates and making friends. 5 years is a bad gap in my experience. Always at different stages and always have different interests.

Only do it if you want another child. Only's are fine!

Oh ffs here we go. NOT ALL CHILDREN WITHOUT A SIBLING IS LONELY LIVING A TERRIBLY DEPRIVED EXISTENCE

I was an only. My only sibling died when I was a child and I grew up feeling cheated, especially around my best friend, who had 4 siblings.

So hated it as a child and that feeling of isolation intensified as an adult, seeing friends celebrate their siblings successes and becoming aunts/uncles through them.

Of course, some siblings hate each other and have no relationship whatsoever.

And then you have a young relative of mine, aged 5, who is an only, but has a massive extended and very involved family. He and the two cousins closest in age to him are in and out of each other's houses every day, go to school together, go on holiday together. To all intents and purposes, they're like siblings.

So it all depends on circumstances.

I was an only child. I had tons of friends. I LOVE being an only, especially when you hear of all the siblings that don't get on.
Your daughter will make friends at school. Every time you add another sibling to the equation that's less time and attention spent, less money and less resources for the other one.

A generation gap between my sibling and I. I didn't really meet them until I was 14. So we were both only children really. Certainly don't have anything in common. We both liked being only children and resented each other hugely.

We get along now.

Each of my children would prefer to be an only child, they don't get long. Why should they? They are fundamentally different people with different education, social aspirations, friendship groups.

My husband was an only and loved it so only wanted one child so we only have 1. It is so much fun and we can give him so many opportunities and do so much more with him as we don't have to consider if siblings could manage the activity. I have a sibling and they are vile to me and it is about the loneliest thing ever, so sometimes having siblings can make you more lonely than being an only.

I have 3 siblings & hate all of them.
NC for years & couldn't give a toss.
Have great friends though who I love.

People will have their own stories about how it did or didn't matter in their situation that they had one child, or was an only child. But all that matters is this: It's perverse to have another child solely because you want a companion for a sibling. It's a child not a dog. Also, there is already a 3 year age gap and you haven't even given birth yet. Babies are cute etc and I'm sure your DC will enjoy cuddles, but the crux of it is wanting another compatible playmate to talk to etc. 5 year olds can only have so much fun with babies. 7 year olds can only have so much fun with 2 year olds. 15 year olds don't have time for 10 year olds. That's how I see it. Some kids have siblings but are lonely due to age gaps etc.

My point is, it's a slippery slope OP and there will always be something pressuring you as a mother. Next it'll be "I had a DC for my other DC but they are different genders! I'm desperate for both DC's to have same gendered siblings to identify with....." It's just always bloody something in the Game of Ovaries.

If you want another child and you see a sibling as a perk then fair enough.

The notion of that "only" children are lonely is also perverse. I have 3 siblings and we have never ever ever been close. Ever. All of us are 2 years apart as well so close in age. I enjoyed having my own space, hated sharing with my sister and don't give any of them a second thought. I was lonely with 3 siblings.

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant and the main driving force behind the decision to have a second was to give DS a sibling. I had a very problematic pregnancy with DS as I have two chronic health conditions and me and DH said we'd only have one baby because of it - BUT - the sadness I felt at DS being an only child led to us trying again. My pregnancy has been even worse this time around but it will all be worth it because I can't wait to give DS a brother.

I have a sister who I adore, she's my best friend and every happy memory of my childhood and teenage years is wrapped up in her. We can sit for hours and reminisce about our youth and we will be in fits of laughter......the thought of having nobody to do that with seems quite a lonely one.

I want to son to know what it's like to have an uncle and have nieces and nephews and be part of a wider family.

I work with two women who are only children and they both said it was great when they were children because of all the attention and opportunities they got, but that now as adults they find themselves upset they never got to experience having a sibling and feel quite lonely at times.

The thought of having two children is daunting but I don't think I could have watched DS grow up as an only child and not felt guilty for it.

I wish I were an only child.

I didn't really gain from having siblings. I had friends to play with. I would have been closer to my parents, had more of their time and attention (especially my mother's), in later years there would have been the money for music lessons, holidays, maybe a deposit on a flat. And now I could handle my parent's care with no interference. When my parent dies I would get £XX instead of a fraction of that. I would also know that I won't be begging SiL for my Mum's wedding ring.

Siblings are ok if they are wonderful. Many are not.

Village fete sorry to read your post. I too have secondary and had to give up after 10 years of ttc due to age. I was lucky in that dd loved being the only one and thus never moaned about it. I didn't hide my ttc from her although didn't go on about it in front of her. She helped when I self medicated and found it very interesting. Tbh if it was me with a moaning self pitying 8 year old i would sit her down and explain your situation with her.

My DS is 13 and an only. He is establishing a fabulous friendships which will sustain him through life much more than a hit and miss sibling relationship. (I have a DB, no issues but we are totally different and see each other for around an hour every year!).
DH has a sibling who is the golden child. This has blighted him most of his life - and now DS as he is ignored in favour of the other grandchildren.
Bottom line. If you struggle with one, don't have two.

I don't think yabu. One of the reasons for dd2 was because I didn't want dd1 to be an only. Dd2 has, as clichéd as it sounds, completed our family and I'm so glad we went for it.

Writerwannabe83 Congratulations and you're amazing for going through another difficult pregnancy.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why does you being close to your sister, and your friends being upset, mean anything about your own child and their experiences?

I've always wondered why hearing case studies skewed to a certain outlook, can influence such huge choices. As you can see on this thread, there are many of us stating we don't get along with our siblings, or even if we did we aren't even that close. My siblings don't even have my number and we were raised well. No weird Jeremy Kyle family background - We just have never been close or gelled. Ever.

You've just said you find it daunting also . Don't worry! Seeing DC with their sibling will warm your heart.