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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think of having another DC so my 'only' won't be lonely?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 09/04/2017 09:24

I have a highly social 3yr old who actively seeks out children to play with everywhere we go. I worry she will be lonely if I don't have another to give her a playmate/ companion for life in the form of a sibling.

I never set out to have just one but I have found caring for my DC overwhelming. I have a satisfying, demanding job and a supportive DH but the Lion's share of childcare and worrying about household tasks falls to me.
I adore my DC beyond words but the thought of having the Lion's share of 2 to look after fills me with dread.
BUT as many point out, the baby years go by so fast and then DCs are (apparently) at school and there's a lot less to do and they're self sufficient etc... have no idea if this is true - just what people say.

So... if you have one or more or you were an only.... what do you think ?

OP posts:

highneeds · 09/04/2017 13:25

Another thing to mention, both DH and I have fairly luke warm relationships with our siblings as adults. That's probably influenced our views about siblings being not all they're cracked up to be. I might see it differently if I had a very good bond with mine I guess.
I think you've got to weigh it up what's right for you. My boy is a very strong character who likes his way. I know that sibling relationships could teach him things but also create lots of tensions. I feel he can learn things like sharing and empathy even without those. Many perfectly fantastic people have been only children so there's my evidence!

Ragwort · 09/04/2017 13:25

I gree with others in that having a child to be a 'playmate' for an existing child is NOT a good enough reason to bring another person into the world. Different if you and your DH really, really want another child.

We have an only child - he is now a teenager and has a wide circle of friends and activities, he is always out and about - it totally depends on the personality of your child. Some children with siblings never leave the safety of their bedroom and playstation/XBox .

Both DH and I are from large families but rarely speak, let alone see, our siblings. There will be very little help when my parents need care - they have already moved to be near me rather than my siblings now that they are older .

Yes, there are lots of 'happy' families around, but there are no guarantees.

ElspethFlashman · 09/04/2017 13:33

My best friend has an only. Partly financial reasons, partly age, partly being too knackered to seriously think about another.

However she does find the big drawback with having an only is being your child's sole entertainment in the house. There are some kids who potter about in a world of their own - and some who need someone to bounce off and she's the latter. So my friend finds it very draining. She also finds the responsibility to bring her DD to lots of extra curricular activities a right pain, but feels an "only" needs lots of friends so she's run ragged with hobbies and play dates trying to socialise this child and give them a support network of friends for the future.

Tbh it doesn't actually look any easier to me!

LoupGarou · 09/04/2017 13:50

I am an only child and I was extremely glad of it as I had very abusive parents and ran away from home at sixteen. DS is an only child, our last chance miracle after four stillborn DC plus late miscarriages and missed miscarriages. I only ever wanted one child and he is perfect.

We want to give DS the most opportunities in life that we can and give him a good start financially. We've got enough money saved to put him through almost any university in the world and to buy him a house mortgage free when he wants/needs one too. It was really important to me to be able to do that for him and I'm grateful that we can. If we had another child we wouldn't be able to do as much for either of them. I had a lot of years of having to steal food to survive as a child, and spent a lot of time sleeping in squats and abandoned buildings after running away from home, I never ever want DS to go through that hell.

DS is still young but is very adamant about not wanting siblings. He has loads of friends, is very outgoing and confident and happily bounces up to children he doesn't know and introduces himself, but he says he likes being able to have his own space at the end of the day. He won't be having any siblings, fortunately no chance of accidental siblings either as I don't have the equipment anymore.

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/04/2017 13:52

My DD is an only and will stay an only. I wish I had been an only. My DSis, 2yrs younger than me, made my childhood miserable. I know very few people who have any kind of strong bond with their siblings. By contrast, I know loads of happy grown-up only children.

My grandmother died recently. She had dementia and all of the burden of care fell on my mother despite the fact that my uncle was the golden child (and that's a whole other issue). I've watched my mum become worn down and hurt because of this. She and her brother are now NC. Having a child so your first won't be lonely later in life is much more difficult in practice - as my in-laws also experienced when my ex-MIL did everything while her other siblings found excuses.

My daughter is an only but she has friends and will always have friends. You can choose your friends. My friends are far closer to me than my family could ever be.

Katedotness1963 · 09/04/2017 14:02

After 14 years of infertility and finally getting the BFP the happiness was tinged with a sadness that out child was more than likely to be an only. As it turned out we were lucky and did have a second child. They're 21 months apart and have always been great friends, really close and look out for each other.

lazycrazyhazy · 09/04/2017 14:14

I'm with wishiwasmoira's comment:

I am an only child. I hated it as a child. . And I still hate it as an adult..
I have no family except my dc.

Of which I have many -
I was determined after I am gone they will have lots of love and support from each other for the rest of their lives.
^ This
I had the same experience and still hate it. It was hard when parents were frail and dying with no one to share. DH and his DS are not close at all and as different as it's possible to be but at least they had each other and shared memories when their parents died. My adult DC already support each other and I'm sure that will continue.

Good for you OP great that you're thinking of it like that, for your child.

anametiuse · 09/04/2017 14:18

I worried about having a sibling for DS too so started this thread

To ask about your relationship with your siblings? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/2829862-to-ask-about-your-relationship-with-your-siblings

Interestingly I know very few people in real life who like their siblings

VestalVirgin · 09/04/2017 14:32

If you want another child, do. If you don't, don't.

Your child is apparently very good at finding friends, so you needn't be worried about loneliness.

Gawagirl · 09/04/2017 14:39

I am an only child, and I honestly cant remember feeling lonely. I didn't have any cousins on my mums side until I was 11 and only 2 on dads side who I only saw for a few hours each week. I remember hearing the saying 'an only child is a lonely child' - I wasn't.

Fairweather123 · 09/04/2017 14:46

I had my first (planned and very wanted) DD at 42, then in the midst of being completely knackered with a very needy baby aged just 7 months old found out we were expecting another and our second daughter was born when I was 43. We were happy to have just one child and I wasn't worried about loneliness etc as I have two older sisters, one four years older the other seven years older and we were never close whilst growing up and are only reasonably close now.

But, now our DD's are 6 months old and 23 months old I'm really glad we have two. They're already starting to play together and being older parents I'm realistic and realise even if I make old bones they may still be relatively young when we're gone so I'm happy they have a sibling.

Andro · 09/04/2017 15:01

I'd say it's better at every stage of life to have a sibling than not.

I'd disagree, the hatred between me and the twins (completely reciprocal) is toxic. I was a very happy only, as an older sister I am not physically safe in my parents' house because of them.

OP, have another child because you want one, not because you want a companion for your dc1.

Poppyred85 · 09/04/2017 15:02

i think you have to do it because you and your dh/do want to, not because you feel you ought to. We currently have a 4 year old and ideally would have had another before now but it hasn't worked out that way for various reasons. We do both want another one though. Yes, him asking about having a sibling and watching how he is with his friends' younger siblings is part of that but ultimately it's because dh and I want another.

AngelThursday · 09/04/2017 17:02

I think it depends on how much extended family you've got and how much effort you will put into ensuring your little one has friends.
I'm an only child of an only child so no cousins, aunts or uncles from my mother's side and only one relative on my father's.
My parents made very little effort when I was growing up to provide opportunities for me to play with other children as they were incredibly self absorbed. It was incredibly lonely and often I felt I was just their accessory. Not saying you're like that OP, just relaying my experiences.
As an adult it is still lonely at times but I have worked hard to surround myself with several close and lovely friends who are like siblings to me.
So I would say have the second child but that is based on my personal experience.

Original poster

firstimer30s · 10/04/2017 11:16

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It still seems to boil down to the argument of 'onlies' possibly being lonely , but then others saying they don't get on with their siblings, so no guarantees etc.
I think for me, the biggest thing is getting my life back (if we don't hv more), but I can't help feeling selfish about that... which makes me doubt myself. Argh...

OP posts:

highneeds · 10/04/2017 14:36

I don't think it's selfish to want some of your life back. That's entirely how I feel! Having a baby has knocked me massively financially and emotionally. I'm just managing, two years later, to get myself back on my feet. No way would I want to willingly go back through all that!
It's not for everyone to produce multiple children. Doesn't mean you're selfish. Do you feel 'the urge' for a baby, do you get broody? That's how I know it's not for me, even the sight of a baby has me running in the opposite direction. X

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 10/04/2017 14:45

I always felt like an only child, my brothers were all 20+ years older than me and I so wish I had someone to grow up with.
I have 2, 4yo and 8mo. I love their bond, Ds adores his baby sister, but it could have gone the opposite way. There is no guarantee a sibling will make your DC happy or not having one unhappy.

notyummy · 10/04/2017 14:49

I am an only. My mum was an only. I have an only! I would like more but Dh absolutely adamant that this isn't happening. He has 3 siblings and they all despise each other. Never been a beneficial relationship to any of them and the poverty caused by having too many children and staying with an unsuitable partner because of all he said children made all siblings childhoods a misery! So,the same as many on this thread please don't think they will definitely be companions to each other.

I rarely felt lonely as a child and have actively worked to cultivate close lifelong friendships possibly because I don't have any siblings. We try to make sure our house is open and welcoming to our dd's friends to she doesn't feel lonely. She has had someone popping in every day of the holidays so far!

FrenchJunebug · 10/04/2017 14:59

tipping my toes in this conversation: I do not understand a kid of 6 or 8 saying they are lonely. I have an only child of 6 who says he is bored but never lonely. Do the kids pick up on the parents guilt?

I have a brother 7 years different we have little in common and also I grew up resenting him because I had to constantly look after him.

It is worth to bear this in OP: what will happen when your first social life picks up but the second child is still at toddler stage.

Being an only is not a curse!

Original poster

firstimer30s · 10/04/2017 21:57

Thank you highneeds! I feel exactly the same . I am only just starting to get my life back and it is so very nice and exciting .

I don't get broody when I see babies and I don't long for one with all my heart or anything. I wish I felt that way.

It is very refreshing to hear from so many onlies and parents of onlies - I don't know any!

OP posts:

netflixandnappies · 11/04/2017 08:28

FrenchJunebug I read your post and felt like bursting into tears (emotional week). I never had an identity growing up as the "oldest" and was nothing more than a vessel to take "care" of the younger ones. Especially the sister directly beneath me. God forbid I play alone.

If there was a birthday party I was invited to....My little sister had to come too by the way. My mum saw another parent do this and picked it up (she had no sense of identity as a parent). My sister was a BRAT and would ruin the party. The other kids couldn't stand her. I couldn't have fun because I was constantly watching her. Resent her to this day.

I swear to God having kids as a plaything for another can have horrid consequences - Especially if the mother doesn't even want the kids to begin with. For cultural reasons my mum wasn't on contraception but she didn't want us even if she says she did. I shiver as I type this. Because my mum didn't even want a large family no matter how much she lies and says she does she relied on us to teach ourselves, entertain ourselves and past 11 years old even fucking feed ourselves. We weren't poor. We hate each other.

thethoughtfox · 11/04/2017 09:27

I have one very sociable DD who loves her own company and making up games and stories with her toys and is never bored alone ( always asks us to play when she needs a companion and asks to see friends/ cousins when she needs it) Remember: your next child could have ASN and/ or be ill or have a disability. They are not playthings for each other.

SkySmiler · 11/04/2017 10:48

If you're filled with dread at the thought of being responsible for 2 then do not do it! My 2nd has killed me....

FrenchJunebug · 11/04/2017 11:13

netflix I feel your pain. I wasn't allowed to go on holiday with friends because 'I had to look after my brother'!

SugarBlossom92 · 11/04/2017 12:10

I have two younger brothers who I have a very good relationship with which I'm grateful for as I don't have many friends and recently our dad has become unwell with cancer so I'm glad I'm not an only child because I wouldn't like to go through that alone and I would struggle to have much time to help with looking after him as I have my own children but my brothers live with him and look after him.

Also it will be a great comfort to have them if our mum ever becomes ill or when our parents die. But it's not a guarantee it would be like that for everyone, and as children they did their own thing together and I did mine, although we do have some great fun memories together but I don't think I would of been bothered as a child not having siblings as I wouldn't of known any different but I'm very grateful for them now as an adult.

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