AIBU to think of having another DC so my 'only' won't be lonely?

[firstimer30s]

I have a highly social 3yr old who actively seeks out children to play with everywhere we go. I worry she will be lonely if I don't have another to give her a playmate/ companion for life in the form of a sibling.

I never set out to have just one but I have found caring for my DC overwhelming. I have a satisfying, demanding job and a supportive DH but the Lion's share of childcare and worrying about household tasks falls to me.
I adore my DC beyond words but the thought of having the Lion's share of 2 to look after fills me with dread.
BUT as many point out, the baby years go by so fast and then DCs are (apparently) at school and there's a lot less to do and they're self sufficient etc... have no idea if this is true - just what people say.

So... if you have one or more or you were an only.... what do you think ?

Don't have another child just for the benefit of their sibling.

Have one if you and DH really want another child.

Siblings may end up best friends for life or they may end up hating each other and never speaking as adults, there's no way of knowing or much you can do to influence it as often it's just personality clashes.

firsttimer ohherewego Thank you for your nice words

I guess it's out of my control & what will be will be. It's worrying how obsessed DD is with wanting a sibling, it makes me feel like shit.

I have a sister, 5 years younger. Love her dearly & there have been times she's been really useful! However, most of the time she's a pain in the arse, won't go out of her way for me and prefers to spend her time with her friends & their kids rather than me and my DD. We certainly aren't best friends and aren't exceptionally close. I have more in common with, and spend more time with my cousin.

Me and my sibling have never got on. We never 'played' together as children and now as adults we are just so different we can tolerate eachother for a family function but never socialise together and rarely talk. There are 3 years between us.

My DC (5yo) desperatley wanted a sibling but we had DC2 because we wanted another, as it happened DC2 was born with a life limiting illness so it wont get 'easier' as the baby stage ends so although I dont want to sound negative you really cant foresee the future and having a baby with disabilities or extra needs is always a possibility.

just name changed for another thread, it's still VillageFete!

I'm an only and was never lonely as a child. I also have an only child and shes never mentioned being lonely and has lots of friends. Siblings don't always get on, I know some that hate each other and some that are close. Lonliness can happen in a crowded room. Do what's right for you.

I'm clinging to the good stories of being an only like a life raft. Ive tried and tried for years to have another one but not been able to carry a pregnancy longer than 12 weeks. I'm terrified that my child will be lonely, she has no close cousins the same age, they're all grown up. The more time that passes the bigger the age gap will be so it seems like a pointless exercise putting my body and mind through this shit.

I always knew I wanted at least two children so they could play together. I had such an awful time when DS was a baby that the thought of having another baby was horrific.

I knew the baby stage would pass eventually though so we had DD and she's an absolute joy.

The baby stage was hard although not quite as much of a shock as first time round. They're now 10 and 7 and I have no regrets whatsoever.

froofroomcgoo I didn't even see your post when I wrote mine! I 10000% agree. Even if OP gets pregnant tomorrow, which she probably won't, we still have an age gap to consider. There's only so much a 5 year old can play with a baby. I feel like it's always something:

• I have two boys and a girl but my DD really wants a sister to share the experience with.

• I have a DC who is a month old, I'm scared if I wait too long for another DC they won't be close

• I have three boys and really want a girl!

• DC1 and DC2 are 18 months apart but DC3 who is 10 years younger than them won't be able to bond....Shall I have another so DC3 can have a sibling close to her age?

It nevvvvvveeerrrr fucking stops!!!! EVER.

netflix - I think a lot of us let our own experiences shape what kind of future we want for our children.

Me wanting to give DS a sibling because of the wonderful relationship I have with mine is no different to another woman having no desire to have a second child based on her own bad experiences of having a sibling.

I love being an aunt to my sister's children and the love I feel for my niece and nephew is so wonderful.....and I want DS a potential chance to experience those type of relationships as well as just a sibling one.

I come from a really big family on both my moms and dad's side so it's important to me that my DS experiences a wider family too.

My DH on the other hand comes from a completely different family situation. He has a brother and they don't get on well at all, they probably see each other at Christmas but that's all and they don't call or text each other. His dad has got two brothers but they are NC so my DH doesn't see any of his dad's family. DH's mom died a few years ago and although DH has aunts/uncles/cousins on her side he has nothing to do with them either. So really, the only family DH has left is his dad and I find it really sad that when his dad dies he's going to have no connection to his past anymore.

DH really wasn't bothered about having a second child and he said it's because of his own experiences of family - he sees no benefits to having siblings or relationships with extended family etc so doesn't see why it should matter or not if DS has that kind of life of not.

However, he sees how special my relationship is with my sister and how close I am to all my other extended family members and he knows that giving that opportunity to DS is important to me so eventually he gave in

DS has just turned 3 and is so, so excited about the baby. Every night when he kisses me goodnight he also kisses my bump and says goodnight to the baby too. He doesn't know he's having a brother though, we're keeping it to ourselves, but I'm so so happy and I hope he is as close to his brother as they grow up as I am to my sister.

I love being an only child and realistically will probably end up having an only child myself due to age and finances.

Have another child simply to keep another child entertained is utter madness. Each child that you have requires a vast amount of energy, patience and money. You have to have each child that you have because your bones ache without them being in the world - it's the only way to balance the books.

I know a few adult onlies and they have all said they had a happy childhood, weren't deprived and were/are close to their parents. Perhaps tellingly though, those that have had children have all chosen to have more than one.

I found my first child very challenging and difficult. (He's now nearly 12 and being assessed for ADHD and possibly HF ASD). I'd always planned to have two but really worried how I'd cope as it had been so much harder than I expected. I put off having another and seriously contemplated sticking with one. But we did try for another when he was 5 and had lots of secondary fertility issues. By the time our daughter was born they were nearly a decade apart but they are close and clearly benefit from and enjoy having a sibling. Best thing that ever happened.
All families are different but you sound very similar to the situation I was in so I thought I'd share.

And I was one of three, which I loved, and I have three children. So I'm not against a larger brood but you need to do it because that's what you and your dh/ dp want.

Oh, and you can't take other people's experiences very seriously. Some people are born whingers and they carry on as though they lived a life of utter deprivation because things weren't perfect. You are never going to know on an internet forum who these ones are and some of them will be onlies and some will be from large families.

That's a ridiculous thing to do. You can't predict the future. They might not get on, one might not be as sociable, one might move away. The variables are endless.

myhair fwiw I have a sister but have a TERRIBLE relationship with her and would have preferred to have been on my own. It has been like having a thorn in my foot all my life which stinks. I do love her but I don't like her. Dd also grew up with no cousins to hand but she is extremely happy and thriving 😊😊😊😊. Enjoy what you have rather than focus on what you ain't ..

I am the 5th of 6 children. I have a good relationship with my 2.5 years younger sister who is closest in age. I am not currently on speaking terms with 2 older sisters who are 10 and 7 years older. My older brother is 9 years older and we aren't particularly close, although I see him regularly to keep contact with my niece. Other brother who was 4 years older than me died when he was 12.

I feel like I would have been lonlier as a child if I hadn't had my younger sister to play with. That said, I always spent plenty of time with friends.

Siblings aren't guaranteed to get on.

I think it's unreasonable because your second child will be their own person, and will have their own personality and views on whether they want to be a companion for your first. My older sister is highly sociable; I am not. We have a similar age gap to what you would would have. It's no one's fault, but she spent much of our childhoods feeling pushed away by me and I spend much of it feeling smothered by her. As adults we get on okay, but we both prefer the company of friends.

If you are coping with the status quo, but genuinely dread the thought of having another to look after, then I would say don't.

There isn't a right answer. I have one child (don't like the word only), who is 5. There are pluses and minuses. Our house is calm and safe for a five year old, but not for a toddler. She can have little bits out, sit on the bar stools and baby gates etc are things of the past. We can do activities that suit her age and personality (and she does a lot). We meet up with her friends at least once a week on top of activities, school and after school clubs. She has a busy life. There's more money and time to go round.

On the other hand, she does rely on us to play more than she would with a sibling, the world probably revolves around her a little too much and she would be a fab big sister in lots of ways. She is kind, gentle and empathetic when she's not running around and completely distracted! She could probably do with having to compromise more and learning how to argue with a sibling.

Most importantly, I think I'm best at parenting one. Being a parent has held a mirror up to my faults (as well as my best bits) and I think I'd be really impatient and intolerant of sibling squabbles and really don't want to go back to younger stages. Plus I like time to myself when she's out with DH. You need to decide what you are happiest doing based on an honest assessment of you as a parent. Then listen to your heart!

I'm an only, and it was, by far, the best setup for my parents and me. I was alone a lot, yes, but not lonely. My parents encouraged me to have a very rich inner life and there's was always time and energy for them to do things with me and also to live their own lives as people themselves.

My cousin, on the other hand, has a sister that was born when she was 5, primarily because my aunt wanted her to have a sister. The reality was that the age gap meant they could never really play together, they have massively different personalities, and nearly thirty years on, they just about tolerate each other. My cousin left home at 18 to get away from the family environment.

Again, DH has a sister that he loathes and refuses to talk to. My DM has ongoing problems with her siblings over the circumstances of their very elderly mother and she's in her late 60s.

So my experience is that siblings aren't necessarily a boon in life nor do they provide support and share the burden when parents are old. DH and I are dreading the day when decisions have to be made about his parents, as we know his sister will create WWIII over anything she can.

Again, because of my obstetric history, my daughter will be an only and I'm very cautious and aware that nothing guarantees the birth of a healthy child. I know a number of mums that are crumbling under the stress of one of their children's disabilities in a family unit where there are also another one or more children of a similar age band.

I recognise that my perspective here is very skewed by my own experiences and obstetric difficulties, but I reckon it's still worth considering that a second child might not create the family life you have in your mind.

I'm in the same boat. Not sure what to do x

YANBU to consider it. But there are so many variables here that it's impossible to say what works best in general.

It seems like being an only child is only a problem if parents don't meet children's needs for social interaction, learning to share etc. Having more than one DC brings its own problems and has other pitfalls to look out for. Personally I would not actively choose to have only one child but wouldn't be overly worried about their experience as an only if we had one DC through choice or circumstance.

So tough and so many good points .

Thank you all for sharing . I don't have a heart-aching desire for a second , but then I didn't for the first and she is amazing. It depends on how well you can cope with 2 but surely until you have 2, there's no way to know ?

Writerwannabe83 Thats beautiful that he kisses the bump and that actually made me smile.

Congratulations again, I was just wondering why you're relationship with your sister, the comments of friends (when on the flip side you can find loads of other people saying the opposite) and the request of a toddler could justify such a huge choice, especially since it seems from your post that you weren't that eager for another baby?

You sort of haven't answered that - Why are these feasible lines of reason when you have no idea or control over what will happen? I'm not being facetious I'm genuinely curious as DH said something about "giving" DD a sibling and it made me feel uneasy, even though I'd love another child.

I must say people rarely don't have kids due to a sibling unless the DC has a disability and it simply wouldn't work for them. My friend's son has autism and just would never consider another child due to his personality.

People usually say "I don't want another child and there is no guarantee they will have interest in their sibling or even get along" as opposed to "I'm scared to have a baby in case they don't get along with my other DC" (unless DC has behavioural issues etc etc)

I only asked because you said you had a horrid pregnancy and have health issues and giving your DC a sibling seemed to be, based on what you wrote, the priority as opposed to you even wanting to genuinely extend your family for organic reasons.

Children always ask for things like this - For example my friend had another for the same reason (ravaged by only child guilt) and then her son was moaning for a brother 2 years later because she had a little girl. Thats what I mean when I say slippery slope.

I remember kissing my mums tummy and feeling my brother kick inside of her then being completely disinterested within hours of him being born. He didn't like to be held, he was a self sufficient toddler who hated interacting with his other siblings and enjoyed playing alone.

No matter what your stance is, or what your own personal experiences are, there are certain things simply out of our control, and thats the type of relationship siblings will have, if any. It's a strange thing to base off personal experience. I love falafel but I don't assume DC will too, even if she begs me for a bite.