Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to think of having another DC so my 'only' won't be lonely?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 09/04/2017 09:24

I have a highly social 3yr old who actively seeks out children to play with everywhere we go. I worry she will be lonely if I don't have another to give her a playmate/ companion for life in the form of a sibling.

I never set out to have just one but I have found caring for my DC overwhelming. I have a satisfying, demanding job and a supportive DH but the Lion's share of childcare and worrying about household tasks falls to me.
I adore my DC beyond words but the thought of having the Lion's share of 2 to look after fills me with dread.
BUT as many point out, the baby years go by so fast and then DCs are (apparently) at school and there's a lot less to do and they're self sufficient etc... have no idea if this is true - just what people say.

So... if you have one or more or you were an only.... what do you think ?

OP posts:

LetsSplashMummy · 09/04/2017 12:05

My DD (5) has a younger brother (3.5) that she loves to bits and is her closest friend - but what she seeks out regularly is peace and quiet and a break from him! I would be wary of reading too much into your daughters behaviour, grass is greener and all that.

It would also be quite a big gap, so what would you do if she, at 5, chooses to play with other 5 year olds and not her 1 yr old sibling - feel sorry for the one year old and keep having more children?

I think you can say, DD wants to play with other children more and do easier things than have another baby, like more playdates. If you want another, then go ahead, by all means, but it sounds more like you are just giving yourself a hard time.

Freddofrog1983 · 09/04/2017 12:08

I am an only and I hated it as a child, didn't think about it as a teen and during my 20s but not in my late 30s I have lost both my parents and feel very lonely even though I have my husband and 3 Dc and wanting one more.

It's the isolation of having no extended family that I find hard and my children have no cousins and no family get togethers but on the other hand my husband is 1 of 4 and doesn't see his siblings so there are no guarantees. Being an only was the deciding factor for me wanting four children of my own though and I do enjoy watching them interact together and they always have a playmate on holiday but they make friends with other children as well.

My dad was an only but it didn't bother him so I think it depends on the person and I personally would have another child only if you want one.

Haffdonga · 09/04/2017 12:09

As an only myself with more than one dc I'd say it's better at every stage of life to have a sibling than not. Now as the only child of very elderly parents I'm facing the stress of looking after them alone and the future without having any family left who've known me all my life..

Being an only affects you all your life and I would urge you to have a second and make life more complicated for yourselves (short term) in order to provide a richer better life for your dd (long term).

netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 12:17

Haffdonga This is your personal experience though and nothing to do with how life works. My siblings can't be relied upon for shit and
I have three.

I don't get along with my siblings but I would never use that as evidence for no siblings getting along ever and tell my friends not to have other kids. Why are people on this thread using their own personal experiences as gospel for what will work for others, including their own kids.

I thought that type of thinking was for teenagers TBH. OP - Do what you want. You sound like you don't want to. So don't.

SparklyPantaloons · 09/04/2017 12:23

I'm the oldest of three and don't feel my life has been enriched at all by having siblings. They are boys though, so I never had anything in common with them. I'm very jealous of women who have sisters they're close with.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/04/2017 12:29

netflix - I know I can't control the relationship my DS will have with his sibling but I'm glad I'm giving him the opportunity to have one.

I remember taking him to the park about 6 months ago and he just stood there staring at the groups of other young children playing together and it made me so genuinely sad to see him just standing on his own. He loves being with other children, I have loads of friends with children the same age as DS and they have so much fun together but it's not the same as him having a sibling.

When me and DH planned on having one child, and still felt this way after DS's birth, I genuinely didn't think that decision would make too big a difference to his life but as I watched him get older and I thought about how wonderful my childhood had been because of my sister I just knew I wanted to give him the opportunity to have the same kind of special relationship.

DS has never asked for a sibling, at his age I doubt he even knows what it really means.

If I had watched him grow up as an only child I would have felt guilty for doing it. Mind you, if he grows up hating his brother then I will probably feel guilty for that too!

All I know is that I believe DS's life will be enhanced (short term and long term) by having a sibling and I will just have to hope it turns out that way

BloomingDaffodil · 09/04/2017 12:33

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD SO NUMBER 1 CAN HAVE A PLAYTHING..It is an awful reason to have another kid.

I always knew that was the reason for my existence, so Number 1 wouldn't be bored - so fab parents that they are, had me four years later. However sibling was jealous the minute I arrived home from the hospital and never stopped being vile throughout my entire childhood. Being the result of this treatment completely destroyed my childhood We haven't spoken in years

Do not ever do this, it is the worst possible reason, to give birth to a human merely as a plaything for your oh so special number one child.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 09/04/2017 12:38

They won't play together because they'll be at such different stages

This isn't true at all. I have several children with a large spread of ages. The older ones play with the younger ones all the time, they really enjoy each other, even the ones with over a decade between them.

MessyBun247 · 09/04/2017 12:40

Dont have a child just to give your DC a sibling. You dont want your DC to have a stressed unhappy mum. Do it because YOU want to.

Pregnancy/baby and toddler stage/sleepless nights/lack of freedom and money and just bloody having kids is hard in general! Absolutely nothing wrong with having just one.

netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 12:41

Writerwannabe83 I understand better now. The scene you described would probably affect me as well.

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 12:43

Giving your child a companion "for life" is idealistic nonsense, I'm afraid. Plenty of siblings have very little to do with each other as adults; it's not something you can either force or rely on.

Insaneinthebrain3 · 09/04/2017 12:44

I'm an only child and loved it as a child, I was always happy to play on my own and liked being with the grown ups anyway.
As an adult I do wish I had someone to share the pressures with as things seem to fall in my shoulders and I don't want to have to deal with that, having said that I'd say 90% of the time I am happy not having any siblings.

netflixandnappies · 09/04/2017 12:46

BloomingDaffodil Yep. Kids are so mercurial. I kissed my mums belly when my brother was on his way, would be so excited to feel him kick and was so excited for his arrival. When he was born I was indifferent within hours. He wasn't a friendly baby was was very clingey to my mum. Hated to be held by anyone other than my parents. Hated being doted on. He loved to play alone etc. My dad had his precious boy though after three girls.

originalbiglymavis · 09/04/2017 12:48

All the 'we had you to be a playmate for x' kids unite! Oh gee, thanks mum and dad. And to think you could have chosen a puppy!

Siblings don't always get on. One child isn't necessarily lonely - I was one of a crowd and incredibly lonely as a child as the much older kids took up so much of my parents time, my 'playmate' want interested in me beyond teasing and bullying me, and my mum for her own reason discouraged me having friends.

shitgibbon · 09/04/2017 12:51

I've always loved being an only child.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 09/04/2017 12:58

All the 'we had you to be a playmate for x' kids unite! Oh gee, thanks mum and dad. And to think you could have chosen a puppy!

I think you're underestimating how many people love and appreciate their siblings.
Having more children so they had siblings is one of the many reasons I had a few. No, it might not have worked out, but so far, it's been very positive. My children love and enjoy each other, they make each other happy. I love my siblings, we value those relationships highly, as do my OH and his siblings. we are all close.

surferjet · 09/04/2017 12:59

Despite my negative experience of siblings, I'd still say have more than one. Give your child the opportunity to have a great relationship with his brother(s) or sister(s) - if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out, but at least you tried.
Most siblings get along ok, & when they're close it has to be better than being an only.
Go for it.

smallchanceofrain · 09/04/2017 13:00

I'm an only and I love it. I actively sought out other children to play with and it perhaps helped me be confident and sociable. My best friend has a sister but hasn't spoken to her for 15 years. They loathe each other. You can't know what relationship your children will have. You can't engineer it. I would say you should have another child if you really want one but not just to provide your first child with a sibling.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2017 13:01

Have a second because you want one. not because you want a living doll for your first.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/04/2017 13:03

I was an only until I was 10. I didn't even have any cousins I could play with as my mum was an only and my dad's siblings were much younger than him so no kids yet. I loved being a big sister once DSis was born, but if I'm totally honest have resented the fact that once I had left home my parents could afford to travel so my sister saw the world as a teen whereas they could only afford caravan hols in the UK before that because of my school fees and my sister being small.

We are very close, I spent a lot of my teens babysitting and taking her everywhere with me and my friends, but the flipside of that is that I feel responsible for her and as though she is my daughter rather than my sister - she is very close to my stepson and DS and if we do things as a family she is always there - it's lovely but she is not at the same stage in her life as I am, so I end up subbing her money.

Our age gap has meant that that the usual sibling dynamic was not there, so thats something to think about.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/04/2017 13:09

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD SO NUMBER 1 CAN HAVE A PLAYTHING..It is an awful reason to have another kid.

This is such a reidivulous thing to say. A sibling is so, so much more than just a play thing. A special sibling relationship can last a lifetime.

Me and my sister are in our 30s now and we are the best of friends, I can't even explain how much I love her and how wonderful she made my childhood. She is not an adult that just used to be my "play thing".

frogsgoladidahdidah · 09/04/2017 13:12

We were only going to have one.

Then when he was 3 months old, I realised I needed another otherwise I would be an overbearing mum who could never leave him alone.

We now have four... (have stopped now!)

highneeds · 09/04/2017 13:13

I don't think you're unreasonable to consider having another one, your reasons are your choice!
Personally I have found motherhood totally overwhelming, have a high needs child who has helped us to decide that we don't want anymore. That's not the only reason but probably the main one if I'm honest. The thing is, you could have another one but then there's no guarantee that they'll get on like a house on fire. They might just spend all day fighting and have personality clashes.
My DS has cousins who he spends a lot of time with and friends at nursery. In between those times we are constantly out and about and on the go so I don't think there's much time for loneliness.
But I can understand you having those considerations. Lots of people don't stop at one I guess partly for that reason. But it's not for me.

CantChoose · 09/04/2017 13:17

I was an only. I've never felt lonely and have a great relationship with my parents. They made sure I had lots of socialising opportunities. DH is an only too and we are pretty certain we will only have one child too.

c3pu · 09/04/2017 13:19

I've got 2 boys, all they do is fight 😂

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread