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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWUD? Random puking teenager in our kitchen

809 replies

chastenedButStillSmiling · 09/04/2017 01:03

We were out this eve, but not esp late (home by 10:30). DD has brought mates back. We know some not all.

They've been drinking booze I've provided (but was supposed to be more than one evening).

DD is 15, yr 10.

One of the kids chucked up. She's fine. She was here on a sleepover,m her parents aware. I know where she lives (20 mins away) but don't know her parents or how to contact them.

I've put her to bed, on her front. Sick bucket and water easily to hand.

What should I do?

OP posts:
mowgeli · 12/04/2017 15:49

room my point is that I think it is ok to supply teenagers with some alcohol and a safe place to consume it if they have permission from their parents.
I also think it is the teenagers responsibility not to drink too much of it, which is the same as an adult. It is their responsibility to ensure they don't drink too much of it either.

IAmAmy · 12/04/2017 15:53

Roomster101 and U2HasTheEdge I agree with your posts to me earlier. I just don't think it's either rare or wrong to provide a limited alcohol to teenagers when all the parents of those present are well aware of it - as has always been the case when I've been there. My parents still regularly go on about drinking responsibly if I ever go somewhere there's going to be alcohol and it seems won't ever stop. I've just not heard of a party since Year 9 which hasn't had alcohol at it whether the parents knew or not, so parents who provide it having had discussions with the parents of anyone else present at their house with guidelines on what can be drunk doesn't seem stupid to me (though I'm aware that's not exactly what was being described at the start of this thread).

mowgeli · 12/04/2017 15:53

I'm ashamed to admit I don't know who Lea Betts is but is that the girl who's dad gave her and her friend drugs and she died and then he didn't get her help quick enough.
That is so wrong on so so so so so many levels. No words for it.
I would be destroyed if this happened to my son and I would NEVER EVER EVER Supply drugs to my child. I would hate anyone who did supply my child with drugs but it is still to a degree their choice whether or not to take them.
It's a hard conversation and I will also say that if I supplied alcohol to teenagers and one of them got so wrecked they were vomiting I would get them help and not be afraid of how other parents saw me in the future, if the teenager had consent then it's not the parents fault.
And you should never put your reputation before someone's safety so I would get help if the teenager needed it but it sounded to me like she was a drunk mess:

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 12/04/2017 15:54

The risk taking part of a teenage (developing and fragile) brain is huge! Their pleasure centre is also huge!

This means they are actually biologically incapable of making the same level of judgements and sensible decisions we would. Hence the girls' reckless attitude to portioning out a 'holiday's worth' of alcohol supply.

Christ. I have 24 bottles of wine in my garage which my 15 yo has not touched because he knows it's not his . If I was a teenager I'd probably attempt to drink the lot in two days! I've had them there since Christmas, chipping away at them very slowly.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 12/04/2017 15:55

Leah Betts died taking one tab of unsafe ecstasy : not the same case you are thinking of. Her parents campaigned for a long time about teenagers and party drugs.

mowgeli · 12/04/2017 15:56

My life is more enjoyable as an adult but I was very risky and naive when I was younger. Still my responsibility. The beauty and the brutality of growing up.

Owllady · 12/04/2017 15:56

I have a 15 yo, almost 16 yo and I'd e FURIOUS with the OP. They have plenty of time to behave like adults when they are one. There is no rush. I was a young mum but have enough boundaries to understand what is responsible and what isn't, without comparing it to my own childhood.

It is always these too try hard parents ime. The ones who think they are trendy and cool teenagers do actually need boundaries. They are actually really rather vulnerable and under all that bravado they are still rather childlike.

Still, I'm sure the OP will reassess how she handles these things in future etc. We live and learn

mowgeli · 12/04/2017 15:57

I could have died the way I carried on and I'm not proud I just also say it's my responsibility and my sons responsibility etc for their actions.
Drugs are a whole different kettle of fish because they are illegale and totally unregulated so we often don't actually know what is in them which is different to a bottle of Cava from Tesco's or whatever

Annahibiscuits · 12/04/2017 16:02

One of my closest friends died when I was 16, choked on his own vomiting when passed out from drinking. He didn't have parents to 'ok' his drinking, he lived in a children's home. Some kids don't have the stability/background to make good decisions

IAmAmy · 12/04/2017 16:03

ILikeBeansWithKetchup there was a similar incident only last summer sadly.

Annahibiscuits · 12/04/2017 16:06

Alcohol wrecks far more lives than illegal drugs

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 12/04/2017 16:08

Amy sadly there are many : sort of the point I was trying to make about the glib 'I turned out all right' argument...

I absolutely agree with Owllady - these teens are childlike ; that's why they are so excited about the drink aspect of the parties. I don't go to parties now I don't have a life anyway and think 'ooh ! Will there be alcohol?? Ooh great; I can get ssssoooo pissed??? That will be jokes...'

Roomster101 · 12/04/2017 16:08

room my point is that I think it is ok to supply teenagers with some alcohol and a safe place to consume it if they have permission from their parents.

I don't disagree as long as the adult has asked the parent themselves rather than the child. I doubt that anyone would agree to it if the child was only 15 and they knew the parent wasn't even going to be there though.

I also think it is the teenagers responsibility not to drink too much of it, which is the same as an adult. It is their responsibility to ensure they don't drink too much of it either.

Maybe they should be responsible but many aren't which is why the legal unsupervised drinking age is 18 in the first place.

brassbrass · 12/04/2017 16:12

if the teenager had consent then it's not the parents fault.

consent is another controversial issue. That is why we have laws in place to protect children. What a child thinks it is ok to consent to and what protective parents and the law think is ok may well be poles apart.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 12/04/2017 16:12

I went round my friends yesterday and she had 8 bottles of Koppaberg in her kitchen. I interrogated her and she told me they were for her son and his friends. we di have an interesting discussion. he is in year 13 and many of his mates are 18. there was enough for one small bottle each.

She went pale at the thought of doing the same for her 15 year old. Absolutely not, she said.

Roomster101 · 12/04/2017 16:13

My life is more enjoyable as an adult but I was very risky and naive when I was younger. Still my responsibility. The beauty and the brutality of growing up.

That is because your brain had not fully developed that is why it is not okay to supply children with alcohol and not provide supervision.

brassbrass · 12/04/2017 16:22

Replace alcohol with drugs, porn, computer games, whatever...the same still applies.

That's why it's important for the adults to protect children until they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. From household to household that will vary as one parent's 15 year old may be far more mature than someone else's 17 year old. No one should be making parenting decisions for someone else's child especially on a random sleepover when they don't even know the parents.

mowgeli · 12/04/2017 23:52

Ladies I've come back to say I've been thinking about this a lot and yes I agree with you more now then I did and I think it is wrong to supply teenagers with alcohol unless you have explicit permission from their parents and I also think you as a parent need to restrict the amount you do offer because you have all explained that there are far more riskier behaviours ingrained in teenagers and so they need more protecting.
Point accepted and agreed with and thanks for reasoning with me.
Always happy to say when I change my mind.
Yes the teenagers have to take responsibility for their actions but as a parent we need to make sure we don't tempt them to over do it and damage their futures.
Night night

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 13/04/2017 07:45
Smile
FerdinandsRevenge · 13/04/2017 07:50

The UK has a huge binge drinking problem you may have noticed. All the posters saying 'that's how we did it as kids'... yes, exactly. Maybe we should try a new approach and not get 15 year olds pissed in our house.

I have to say if I was the child's mother you'd be safest not letting me in the house and you'd hope she didn't tell me

Annahibiscuits · 13/04/2017 10:41

I'm glad you changed your mind mowgli and thanks for saying so

LittleGwyneth · 13/04/2017 13:55

...Did you guys not go to partie at 15/16 where there was booze? I legit thought that was standard practice. Nothing super hard, but a couple of barcardi breezers or beer seems perfectly normal?

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 13/04/2017 14:15

Little read the previous 31 pages because I, for one, am not going through this again.

Annahibiscuits · 13/04/2017 14:29
Grin
hmcAsWas · 13/04/2017 14:41

Yep, there's a limit isn't there ILikeBeans Grin

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