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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 08/04/2017 16:34

I'm with you OP.
You're not a slave. Everyone should be mucking in on their free time/weekend.
You are at home and should do general household duties. Picking up after someone isn't a household duty

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:38

I suppose I was pissed off because he had two days where he could do whatever he wants and he only needed to care for himself. Meanwhile I had two days of looking after myself and 3 DC including the basic cooking and washing up etc and he couldn't even manage that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:41

wedo I even stayed up late the night before the holiday so that there would be little to do but self care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:44

He had a big smelly takeaway on the the Sunday. The remains are still in the fridge.
Before I left I said that there was some steak in the fridge. And that he can eat it or freeze it. He choose to eat it.

OP posts:
MamaHanji · 08/04/2017 16:54

Truthfully it sounds like you are trying to be annoyed at him.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 16:57

Well, as far as returning to work, you work the schedule you want. He can't actually make you plan your hours around 'the kids'*, can he? I mean, you aren't his 'serf', he's not some feudal baron.

*It's not planning your hours around the kids, you know. It's planning your hours so that he doesn't have to step up to provide childcare when kids are off sick, school holidays, etc. What he's saying is 'plan your hours around mine'. DH and I both had Govt jobs with liberal family leave policies so we pretty much divided time off. Only you can know how having to pick up his end of taking leave for childcare will affect his earnings or job security.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2017 16:57

I would be fucking annoyed.

Its not about a frying pan and few utensils, its about the fact that he doesnt do it safe in the knowledge that his own personal house elf will do it. Thats what would annoy me and anyone saying "get a grip" is totally missing the point.

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:58

I am just replying to comments made by posters.

OP posts:
alltoomuchrightnow · 08/04/2017 16:58

If that was all I had to worry about !!
My DP (whom I live with) is a serious, serious hoarder.
So, I guess it makes me tolerant and adaptable.
If it were just a few kitchen utensils I'd be over the moon.
Life's too short to worry about such things!
We can't even have people round unless they are v non judgemental/ know us well (not unhygienic, just that he hoards..everywhere.. broken furniture etc.. even the loo is full of it..)
But he owns this house, he has a right to.
It doesn't define him as a person (he's actually pretty successful).
So no.. our kitchen is always like this and I wouldn't bat an eyelid and would just leave it or bung in the dishwasher.there really are bigger things to get het up about

Billben · 08/04/2017 17:00

Sweet Lord you need to calm down. He goes out to work for long hours so you can be a lady of leisure at home (and before you start, I'm a SAHM) and you have the cheek to moan about a dirty frying pan and some utensil. Go and get a job, juggle childcare and then you can split the chores at home and you can moan about him not doing his bit.

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:01

That's just it across the pond He doesn't care whether I work or not but he had made it clear that he won't be available to deal with sick child etc as his salary pays the bills.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 08/04/2017 17:04

Wow, over reaction much? Rather than post you could have just dealt with it.

I'd not expect to do anything around the house if I worked full time which enabled a partner to stay home not working.

If you want him to help around the house then you work full time too and share the rest 50/50.

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:06

I am not a lady's leisure. I have few child free hours and those are spent gaining qualifications so I can get back into the workplace.
Tbh I am totally fed up. I passed a third of one of my courses and I didn't even get a well done from dh. I have an exam and I don't even get a good luck or a well done for passing.
I have done every bathtime and bedtime for the last 12 years.

OP posts:
fruitlovingmonkey · 08/04/2017 17:07

You are overreacting about a pan.
However you are setting yourself up as a skivvy. Why would you stay and clean by yourself while he has a day out with the kids? Stop behaving like a chalet girl. All that cooking, washing up and cleaning- doesn't sound like much of a holiday.

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:10

His long hours included commute are 7 till 6 five days a week.
When he gets home he pretty much does nothing as he is tired.

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 08/04/2017 17:14

You sound draining and miserable

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 08/04/2017 17:19

I think OP you are getting an unfair ride here. Yes you are a sahm but your DH when at home appears to do nothing, not even bath his DC. Will you be expected to take a job in school hours seeing as he has said he will not be responsible for child care or sick days? You seem to be a skivvy.

I've just been away with the dc for a week, there's no way I would be washing DH's dirty pots when I got back, I didn't make the mess. Leaving something for five days is disgusting.

pombal · 08/04/2017 17:20

Agree with poster above PyongyangKipperbang.

How many posters here saying get a grip would cook for themselves and then leave the utensils for someone else to clear up a day later??

thebakerwithboobs · 08/04/2017 17:21

But OP...you said earlier in the thread that you left the rest of the house a tip but the kitchen was tidy. So if the shabby chic look is what you left throughout the house, he probably just went with it. It's a touch minging but nothing to get cross over.

However, you actually sound profoundly miserable and I really don't think that this is about a dirty pan at all.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 17:21

I guess it's just something I can't really fathom. What would happen if you did take a full time or 'incompatible' job? Would he leave the children home alone or refuse to pick them up if they were ill at school? Would he stop paying the bills? Would he make your life a merry hell?

I mean what would he do if, God forbid, you died or became seriously incapacitated? He'd have to step up then, wouldn't he? Either by taking time off or by arranging childcare. Well, it's no different. It's not that he can't do it, it's that he won't.

To me that's something worth fighting about. Not a pan in the sink.

floatingfrog · 08/04/2017 17:23

YADBU Grin

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:25

I engineered it so I could give dh the option of spending some quality time with the kids. The cleaning only took an hour. But unfortunately my drive home was difficult due to an accident. By the time dh left the accident was cleared.

OP posts:
morningconstitutional2017 · 08/04/2017 17:27

It's not very nice if it smells but it's not the end of the world. I'd leave it in soak and Febreze the kitchen. You've just had a nice holiday - why spoil things by picking a fight?

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:27

Probably not a tip. Just cluttered. We have alot of stuff and I am still trying to get rid of lots of stuff that the kids have grown out of.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 08/04/2017 17:29

Leaving a mess when everything is tidy, especially when you're going to be away for a week and it isn't you that's going to have to deal with the fall out can be quite disrespectful. It can just be an oversight when you're really rushed - but if it's that you pick up the pieces afterwards - which your DH doesn't seem to think is necessary. As a one off it is a fairly little thing, but it seems you knew as soon as you saw it that he wouldn't care he'd been a bit of a slob and left everything for you. Which leads me to think he treats you as a bit of a skivvy.

It sounds like you find your current role unfulfilling (partly because you feel undervalued?) and you don't think your DH is at all concerned with that or with your desire to change things as everything is working for him just fine?

If this is the case, I suggest you start being quite selfish in your decision making for a few years. Prioritise getting your career going. If he won't step up, insist on childcare that's enough to really let you develop your career. Pick the jobs that get you the best career, not the ones that fit around school. Don't beat yourself up about missed school events when you can't make them all. Leave him with the kids in the evenings and weekends to do extra networking or career development. Because you're on a pathway to resentment and divorce if you don't get your own life sorted out. You may be on for a life of resentment and divorce anyway, but this way, at least you won't be financially crippled as well and you're children won't grow up thinking it's a woman's role to be the door mat.

Stop thinking about how his career has enabled you to sah to help your joint children and start thinking about how your sah has enabled him to develop a career and financial security that is currently denied to you. Br angry about that, not about a pan on the side.