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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:31

Probably the pan is indicative of bigger issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:36

alltoomuch dh is also a collector. He now has the biggest room in the house to indulge his hobby.
This had resulted in us having to condense the contents of the loft into the rest of the house or dispose of.
Hence why the house is so difficult to keep clean and tidy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 17:40

Yes I do feel undervalued. I have passed exams and no even got a well done.
Maybe he is afraid that I will get a job and he will need to step up.
Incidentally pre our 3rd child he was keen when I was thinking about a low paid job in a School. Should have realized.

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 08/04/2017 17:49

This is the kind of post which drives me nuts.
OP: AIBU?
MN RESPONSE: Yes, YABU.
OP: Oh no I'm not, everyone else is wrong.

If you don't want us to answer, don't ask the fucking question!

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 08/04/2017 18:04

Puts me in mind of Pauline & Arthur Fowler...

To think this is disrespectful and lazy
AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 18:24

Maybe he is afraid that I will get a job and he will need to step up.

I'd say you're very probably right, to some extent. It was lovely for me when DH was off work two years due to an injury. He became 100% a SAHP. I came home to a clean house, dinner, and relaxation. I didn't take time off work for sick children. I really had no responsibilities other than I 'took over' on weekends whilst he pursued his hobby which was fine with me. But those weekends were a joy. A nice clean house, groceries in, not much to do but piddle around, cook (which I enjoy), play with the boys, or go visit my folks or the iLs. What a life!!!

We discussed him just staying at home (we could have made it, but barely) and he said 'No way!'. It wasn't that it was 'too hard', it was that he felt unfulfilled and had a very drooping sense of self esteem. It wasn't easy when he returned to work full time. I had a huge adjustment for all of us to make, especially as the job he took (with my blessing) was 180 miles away so he was only home 3 days a week. But we are a partnership and with all partnerships, sometimes the 'terms and duties' have to change.

merlynsam · 08/04/2017 18:27

It's not just about 'picking your battles' as PP said, it is about PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS as a team.

He took the DCs for a last fun day whilst you cleaned the holiday home. If you had reversed those tasks, would you have trusted him to do the cleaning to YOUR standard or would you have fretted?

A pan and two utensils really are NOT worth worrying about - nor the greasy smell in the kitchen. It is all resolvable - and will be okay in no time.

mousymary · 08/04/2017 18:36

I suppose people have very different standards, and if two people who are not like-minded meet there will be trouble.

I am a slob. Not dirty, but I don't really notice mess and if I do I don't care. Heaps of books, newspapers, stuff and more stuff everywhere. And as for the dog hair...

I go to some houses and I can't believe how tidy they are. Pristine kitchens, utterly tidy and clear sitting rooms... how do they do it?!

I can imagine if I were married to a tidy person there would be constant war. A frying pan left out? I think every pan is currently out in my kitchen!

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 18:37

I acknowledged early on that maybe I was overreacting. Since than I have replied go other posters comments.
O and no he wouldn't have cleaned to my standards. The last time we were there I was ill so didn't clean and next person down contacted me to complain about the state of the accommodation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 18:39

No problem with a pan being left out if clean but dirty is different.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 18:51

O and no he wouldn't have cleaned to my standards

That can be a problem. DH and I do things differently. I tend to be a bit more 'particular' in certain areas of housekeeping than he is. But I learnt rapidly that if I tried to force my 'standards' on him, it just meant that he wouldn't do it at all. So I stopped and gritted my teeth. Obviously I'm not talking about grease wiped about on the counters rather than wiped up, skids left on a toilet or dirt left on the carpet. But I learnt to put up with the way he folded towels or an incomplete kitchen sweeping. If he didn't bleach the sheets or make up the beds to my liking, I kept my mouth shut. In turn, he tried to be a bit more 'particular' with certain things he saw were important to me once the pressure was off.

Oddly enough, one of the things that bothered me the most was the way he folded towels. I always ended up (quietly) refolding them. That was one of the things he quietly 'changed'.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 18:53

Turnabout being fair play, I work a bit harder at keeping our cars clean and mess free than I ordinarily would.

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 18:56

By that I mean would barely have cleaned. The last time I was really ill. ( vomiting stomach pains etc) so cleaning not on my radar.
I received a phone call complaining about the state in which it was left. Obviously down to me.

OP posts:
MotherofPearl · 08/04/2017 18:58

I sympathise with you OP. I think those pp who say 'get a grip, it's only a frying pan' etc are missing your point. My reading of this is that for you frying pan incident is symbolic of a wider pattern of him just assuming that you will do absolutely everything around the house. I imagine you feel rather taken for granted, and that is hurtful. Maybe try to sit him down and explain how you feel?

ILoveDolly · 08/04/2017 19:00

Having a sah wife brings out the worst in some men. But this is hardly worth making a massive fuss over.
Just tell him calmly you were annoyed when you got back because the kitchen smelt of the dirty pan, it would have been a better idea for him to pop it in the dishwasher, and then leave it. Maybe he will not do it again. Maybe he will

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 19:05

That is precisely what I did in the end ilovedolly will see if things change.
Agree about not putting dishwasher on unattended but not relevant this time.

OP posts:
ILoveDolly · 08/04/2017 19:19

The problem I find is that I have a lot of these little conversations but ultimately they don't change their overall attitude. Hope yours is different x

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 19:22

Thank you.
Will see how it goes

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 19:24

Sorry hope things look up for you too I love dolly

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 08/04/2017 19:35

Well done on passing the exams. It's hard work studying around children.

saoirse31 · 08/04/2017 19:37

M started thinking yabu, then yanbu, finally yabu in that pan is minor issue, but yabu to have done everything for so long.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/04/2017 19:51

See this sort of crap is why I knew I never wanted to be a SAHM.
It's not the pan that's the problem. It's that he thinks literally every household task is down to you. I couldn't stick that for two days without walking out.

pennypickle · 08/04/2017 19:52

They have sat there for the best part of a week though. The kitchen stinks of grease. All he need to do was put them in dishwasher with his dirty plate which made it. Unlike his glass which was still in lounge

Ummm..... Just put them in the dish washer and chill? Honestly its not a big deal. You WILL have more pressing matters to deal with over the coming years (No dish washer here btw)

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 20:22

Thank you cornflakegirl

OP posts:
GoodDayToYou · 08/04/2017 20:26

OP, what would happen if you talked to your dh about how you'd really like a bit more encouragement, connection and support?