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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:

WicksEnd · 08/04/2017 15:33

Well I think it is disrespectful.
When someone leaves something on top of the dishwasher instead of in it it says 'I just cannot be arsed to do this so I am leaving it for you'
Same with towels on the floor/shoes chucked all over etc etc. Eventually it just grinds you down. It did me so I stopped picking up after everyone and stopped doing their washing.
They improved

Grilledaubergines · 08/04/2017 15:34

Neither rude nor disrespectful. No more so than you coming on here to slag him off and encourage a lot of women with negative attitudes towards men to join in.

Really you are being very unreasonable and if I got home later you gave me an earful about it, I'd turn round and walk out.

And if my DH were to tell me I'd been disrespectful to him because I'd forgotten to do something in the home, people would cry

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 08/04/2017 15:34

I think it really depends on the general dynamic in your marriage. In and of itself, a pan and a few utensils isn't worth a fight, although i get why you'd be slightly annoyed as you expected to come back to a clean kitchen.

If he generally never does any housework or picks up after himself at all and treats you as a servant, and expects you to do as much for him as the DC round the clock (even when he's not at work) because you're a SAHM then I could see why you'd be angry as it's just a reminder of bigger problems.

mousymary · 08/04/2017 15:35

You are sounding a bit of a nag, OP: "Because I know what was cooked it it and I told him to use them quickly as going out of date. " He even has to eat what you say!

If I were him I'd have had a big smelly take away if you'd have ordered me to eat an almost past the sell by date item.

MrsJBaptiste · 08/04/2017 15:36

Annoying? Yes.
Lazy? I suppose so.
Disrespectful? Er, no.

d270r0 · 08/04/2017 15:37

Can't see the issue at all. So what? Surely takes 2min to stick in dishwasher and open window? Its not like he left a disgusting mess over the entire kitchen. Seriously, whats the damage? Give him a break.

GrumpyOldBag · 08/04/2017 15:37

I'll be the first to say it then.

Leave the bastard.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/04/2017 15:38

I bet you're a joy to live with

DearMrDilkington · 08/04/2017 15:40

Ffs calm down.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 08/04/2017 15:42

I think any half decent person would clean up after themselves, especially leaving dirty stuff around for a few days. Maybe that's just me, but it's a 5 minute job!

Floggingmolly · 08/04/2017 15:49

Half decent person?? It's a bit of washing up, don't be so fucking anal with your "decent" nonsense

hippyhippyshake · 08/04/2017 15:58

I don't understand people saying it's only a two-minute job, give him a break etc... Yes, it is a two-minute job so why the fuck couldn't he do this non-onerous task himself? Did he honestly think the fairies were going to wash it up while he was away? Just because op is a sahp during the week, surely everyone mucks in at the weekend so cleaning up after himself can't be completely alien to him. Or perhaps I'm the odd one

mirime · 08/04/2017 16:06

Really mousy? Don't most people use up perishables before going away?

He should have washed up after himself as well as leaving it for the best part of a week is horrible - though unless there are other issues it's not worth getting too upset about.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 16:09

My DM is a neat freak but even she would not react how you did OP

YABU

topcat2014 · 08/04/2017 16:12

Don't want to derail - but we had fire safety training at work, and it was recommended not to put dishwasher on when not in the house, or asleep.

Perhaps DH got in the car as soon as tea was eaten?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 16:14

Pick your battles. And a frying pan and a few utensils is NOT worth 'losing your rag' at him over. I would mention it to my DH and/or DS2 (as they're famous for things like that) with a reminder to put stuff in the dishwasher or wash them up by hand. But I certainly wouldn't rant at them. A sink full of nasty dirty dishes and pots & pans drawing flies after being left for a week, yes. A frying pan and a spatula? No.

If you feel there is an unequal distribution of domestic labour (taking into account his work hours) then have that discussion. But don't try to start a 'you don't do your share' discussion by pointing to the sink and saying "What the HELL is this?!?!?!".

BeaderBird · 08/04/2017 16:16

Get a grip, woman.

Original poster

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:17

Yes I manage to do it hippy with 3 kids in tow. He had the whole weekend to himself. Anyway they are back but dh has disappeared into man cave to play on X box.
Will casually mention it when he appears Didn't see them arrive as was out back emptying food waste and normal rubbish which were both full after putting the money bread I just found in it

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 08/04/2017 16:19

I think you need to chill massively.

willconcern · 08/04/2017 16:24

If DH made a fry up & left the dirty pan & utensils on the side for 5 days, i'd be pissed off too. If he can cook it, he can clear up after himself, surely. OP is this his usual practice? To assume that "someone else" will do it (presumably you?)? So that'should your place, to clear up his shit? Because you'require a stay at home mum, you get to clear up his mess?

I would leave it there and hope he does it when he got home. If he didn't I'd want to know who he thought was going to do it.

Original poster

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:26

Ok update. He vacated man cave as he wanted to watch the football. Casually mentioned dirty pan and he said sorry one word.
Incidentally the reason why I am spending my few child free hours studying is because I want to get back into the workforce. Although I am not convinced HR will step up.
His attitude is very much that as I am the main earner whatever you do must fit around kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:27

He not HR.

OP posts:

GoodDayToYou · 08/04/2017 16:28

My DP is often exhausted by the time a holiday comes round and has a tendency to switch off until recharged (which can be v annoying when there are things to do). I can imagine him doing something similar in the situation you describe. I think it can help to try not to take it personally. Your dh probably just wasn't thinking. It sounds like you've got some resentment going on generally though (maybe he has too?). I would think about dealing with that bigger issue (eg take more time for yourself, get a cleaner, whatever) and forget about this relatively small one.

HotelEuphoria · 08/04/2017 16:29

Actually it would piss me off too. If it's such a non issue why couldn't he be bothered to move it into the dishwasher.

Original poster

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 16:31

O and I Can't just open a window as we don't have a window in the kitchen which opens outside.

OP posts:

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