To think this is disrespectful and lazy

[Lakegeneva40]

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

This is not about the frying pan I think but what lies behind it, the attitude and the inconsideration. I have had my DH once point to something sticky on the kitchen floor and say 'what's that?' Without thinking I got some kitchen roll and wiped it up, a squashed grape. Only afterwards did I playback the scene and realise how demeaning this had made me feel and how worthless and shitty. It grinds you down and turns you into someone full of self doubt. Why did he not just wipe it up?

April we have 3 children. They are his children too. Why the fuck is he taking them off my hands?
Yes I am lucky to have the opportunity to improve my qualifications to enable me to return to work. He may facilitate this by earning money but never offers to do but run when I am busy revising.
I looked at returning to work previously and dh wasn't that bothered. The only job he had any enthusiasm for a poorly paid term time job in a School. Of course these jobs are very competitive.
He didn't say much in reply tbh to put conversation apart from saying that he would try and be less of a slob. He said if I wanted to work than that is ok. Didn't say much when I said that he would have to do more around the house.
Last night I was laid up with a tummy bug and he managed to empty dishwasher.

Club runs

And I took our children off his hands for the weekend.

Lake: Yes I am lucky to have the opportunity to improve my qualifications to enable me to return to work.

And he is lucky that you allow him the opportunity to continually progress in his career. This isn't just you benefitting, OP. Every time he gets a promotion or pay raise, you facilitated that. If not for you, who would be taking care of the kids, after all. And if his response would be to shove them in childcare fill-time, the you allow him all the luxuries he gets to enjoy by not spending all the money on those things.

Perhaps he could cut back on his long hours at work so he can look after his kids more.

FFS, are posters deliberately not reading OP's posts and missing the point?! It was fairly obvious pages back that the dirty pan (and glass left in the lounge) was clearly the tip of the iceburg as she has now explained.

Well I think it is disrespectful. When someone leaves something on top of the dishwasher instead of in it it says 'I just cannot be arsed to do this so I am leaving it for you'
Agreed. There are an awful lot of men who seem to think that their responsibilities as family men end once they leave work. Lots of leaving all the housework for their wives. Lots of progressing their careers, which they're only able to do because their wives do everything regarding raising their children and sorting the house out. Yet according to many posters, OP should be greatful that her husband looked after his own children for 2 days! Or that he's not as big a slob as their husbands. It's not just about a frying pan FFS!

he works long hours etc. Give him a break
And so does OP. Or doesn't being a SAHM 24/7 whilst studying for qualifications count?!

Most SAHMs would probably agree it's harder having to go out to work than stay at home. My DD hated it when her maternity leave was up, she's constantly tired now by the time she's finished work, picked the kids up etc. She loved being at home with the kids, she wasn't exhausted like she is now. Unfortunately for her as with many others two wages are necessary in order to get by.

Does you Dd have a dp. April If she does then surely he should be doing his share of picking the kids up etc.
At the moment dh gets home at 6 and relaxes all evening as he is tired from home. When I worked pre dc I still had to cook etc and I was not as tired as I now am even with an hour commute.

Tired from work. Damn you auto-correct.

She does but he doesn't get home till about 8pm, tbh he doesn't do his fair share, he says he's knackered but so is she, but she does everything. Life is very hard for young families now, everyone's running themselves into the ground just to survive, wages are too low, cost of living too high. I feel sorry for young mothers of today.

Most SAHMs would probably agree it's harder having to go out to work than stay at home

They are both hard and easy in equal measures. There are far too many variables to say one is always easier than the other all the time.

But that isn't about who works and who doesn't it is about leaving things because it is someone else's job to do that.

April: Most SAHMs would probably agree it's harder having to go out to work than stay at home.

I think this is highly dependent on the work you're going back to. My OH is now the SAHP and I'm back at work. Jesus christ there is no way on earth my eight hours in the office is harder than eight hours of our toddler. Not even close. And my job has periods of very high stress/busy-ness associated with it. I can put on and actually hear the radio without trying to blank out CBeebies, make hot coffee/tea and eat lunch of my choosing at leisure without little fingers delving in there to pinch the best bits, pee without an audience, chat to people about anything other than fucking Paw Patrol, concentrate for extended periods if/when required, lie down on the couch and nap if my schedule allows it and I need to (pregnant, so not just being a slob mostly)... For me, work is eight hours off. I can see how that might not be the same if your job is a frantic, physically demanding affair, but I would definitely say that if OP's DH is an office worker and isn't doing something unusually stressful or difficult, then his day, by comparison to OP's with her three kids/domestic workload, is easier. I will keep saying it. Unless your job is exceptionally, insanely demanding, forty hours at work is not equivalent to the roughly 100 hours per week that goes into SAHPing.

I disagree, unless the child is SN so needs more care than the average child then being home is a doddle compared with working regardless of the job. Their are no deadlines, no pressures, no boss, no change of being fired etc. With no job, you can stay home all day doing nothing is so desired.

Being a parent, whether or not you work as well, isn't a job. It's a choice we make when we decide to have children. Children shouldn't be seen as a chore or by number of hours supervision needed.

Working parents are still parents 24/7, they come home around work and then do everything a SAHP does on top. Strange how non working parents are still parenting whilst their child is at school but those working are not ..

True but in my dds case she's doing both, she goes out to work and then when she comes home she does everything that she had to do when she was a sahm. She's obviously much tireder now because she's doing double. She'd be a lot happier if she could skip the going out to work and stay at home, she feels like she missed out on the toddler years, hard though they can be.She has a friend who is a sahm who she rather envies because both kids past the toddler stage and is able to have a fair bit of leisure time.

That was responding to "forthesakeoffucks" post. Yes you're right "rainbows".

it is your job as the sah person to clear up and look after the person who has to work

it is your job as the sah person to clear up and look after the person who has to work

Fantastic. I am going to show this to dh tonight, whilst sat in my slippers with my pipe Does he have to do everything for me? Can I get away with doing nothing? No housework, nothing with the children. Can I leave my dirty washing everywhere?

I would say it sounds a good plan, but actually the thought of it makes me shudder. Why is it acceptable if I was a man instead?

*RainbowsAndUnicorn: I disagree, unless the child is SN so needs more care than the average child then being home is a doddle compared with working regardless of the job."

Well, I am going to disagree based on my own experience. I've done both being the SAHP (maternity leave, holidays, WFH, etc.) and I've done going into the office. No contest. My three year old is much harder work than my job. Other people's mileage may vary but you can't make a blanket statement that "being a SAHP is always easier than working (SN excepted)" because I'm telling you quite matter-of-factly that in my case, no. It isn't.

Their are no deadlines, no pressures, no boss, no change of being fired etc. With no job, you can stay home all day doing nothing is so desired.

You can't do nothing. The toddler still needs getting up, dressing, supervising, entertaining, feeding, taking out and about whilst you do chores, soothing through tantrums, "discussing" arguing to the ends of the earth with, etc. etc. etc. That's not nothing. Not unless you're doing it extremely badly.

Being a parent, whether or not you work as well, isn't a job. It's a choice we make when we decide to have children. Children shouldn't be seen as a chore or by number of hours supervision needed.

I live on planet earth where I both LOVE being a parent, and sometimes, want to scream into the sofa cushions because my DS has split a carton of cranberry juice by dropping it on the carpet by accident. Those incidents? The laundry? The tidying? The getting-past-this-tantrum? Those are chores. This is right out of the playbook of "you must enjoy every minute." No. I can be frustrated and tired and fed up and dispirited and even, some days, wonder wtf I was thinking having kids.

Working parents are still parents 24/7,

Yes, but I can't do any of the actual, physical parenting whilst I'm literally not in the house...

they come home around work and then do everything a SAHP does on top.

No. Some do. OP's entire point is that hers does not.

Strange how non working parents are still parenting whilst their child is at school but those working are not .."

Does the laundry/tidying/admin/shopping/appointments/prepping dinner/etc. all stop when the DCs go to school? Do the SAHPs sit on the couch doing nothing whatsoever every single school day? I'm sure some do, but I'm equally sure that plenty actually spend their days doing all this stuff and plenty besides.

aprilsdelight: True but in my dds case she's doing both, she goes out to work and then when she comes home she does everything that she had to do when she was a sahm. She's obviously much tireder now because she's doing double.

The problem in this case is in the very sentence you write above. That's not a fair distribution of labour. When the working parent is home, the duties get divided. Each can play to their strengths, sure. One might be better with the DCs, so then the other does the domestic stuff. My OH is better at cooking, I'm better at cleaning. Figure out what works, but there is no circumstance in which the woman should both work full time and then do everything as the parent when she gets home. Even if she's breastfeeding, her DP can still get other shit done - cleaning, cooking, laundry, whatever.

She'd be a lot happier if she could skip the going out to work and stay at home, she feels like she missed out on the toddler years, hard though they can be.

On this point I don't disagree for one second. I feel like I have missed an awful lot.

She has a friend who is a sahm who she rather envies because both kids past the toddler stage and is able to have a fair bit of leisure time.

In our case, we will (all being well) have DTDs to add to our little nest soon. My OH is going to be working his arse off for the next four or five years, just surviving the years it takes to get them to school age. I kind of feel like, surviving that, he should get a year or two of having his foot off the gas just as a bloody big well done. After that we'll see what he wants to do.

It would annoy me too OP, but I think your reaction may have been a bit unreasonable.

So no-one else clears and cleans and makes somewhere immaculate and then doesn't mind someone else coming along and leaving mess?
I hate it tbh, but have given up doing it so atm my place is a hovel.

MrGrumpy01 as long as you go out to work and he stays at home it is his job to wait on you hand and foot n- he probably sits at home all day watching loose women and youporn so get everything you can done for you

ihatetosay: it is your job as the sah person to clear up and look after the person who has to work

No. A thousand times, no. Where each parent is a fully functioning adult then they should, minimally, take care of their own shit and not be a burden to the other. Otherwise, according to your rule, I can drop my dirty underwear on the floor and expect my OH to put it in the basket. I can leave the mess from making my lunch on the side and let him clear it up. I can sleep in every weekend and let my OH get up in the night or early with the DCs every single day of the week because I'm the almighty earner of money.

Sounds heavenly.

MrGrumpy01 as long as you go out to work and he stays at home it is his job to wait on you hand and foot n- he probably sits at home all day watching loose women and youporn so get everything you can done for you

Forthesakeof, if partners shouldn't be a burden to each other then the husband should clean up after himself and the Op should finance herself. Leaving a few dishes on the side is hardly the sam burden as needed your every cost paid for.