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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/04/2017 01:26

Yeah, it's rude and lazy and if he'd done it here, there would have been cockroaches and ants all over the stuff because of it. Plus it was probably making everything smell - nothing worse than coming home to a house that smells weird because of something like that!

But yes, you are over-reacting a bit - so I'm guessing this is just the tip of an iceberg type story.

unlucky83 · 10/04/2017 02:27

I get it - it is more than the pan....it is the thought (or rather lack of) behind the pan.
All these people saying it is an over reaction - would you go away for a week and leave a dirty pan sitting out?
I wouldn't. It would be harder to clean and stinking ... unless of course someone else is likely to deal with it for you -it is their problem not yours. And I think that is the message the OP got -which is why she was so annoyed.

Ineke · 10/04/2017 03:46

A famililiar problem with me. I clean the kitchen, everything put away and immaculate, go out to work, come back to washing up sitting in the sink, or food all over the surfaces. Get very annoyed, don't mind doing it but feel as if it is deliberately left for me to do. The solution is to leave it and ask the person who created mess to clear up, usual answer is , will do it later. Meanwhile, I feel uncomfortable all the time it's waiting to be done. Will not start on cooking now till person has cleared up. As to going away on holiday, it is a puzzle but I always also clean the house more than it's ever been cleaned just because I'm going away. Dirty frying pan would annoy me but I have come to accept that some men just don't get this, it is not in their psyche. This may sound sexist but men and women are different. I would not think that he was leaving it as he thought that this was your job, just that he doesn't like washing up or maybe just didn't think that it may be not on to leave it a week before its cleaned. Men's brains do not work on this plain, well, that is some men's brains. Just make sure that he gets to wash it up. It's the same with refilling the water filter jug, or replacing an empty loo roll. Or emptying the kitchen bin. What do your DHs do while waiting for the kettle to boil, do some drying up, empty the dish washer, or do they stand and wait for it to boil as mine does? DH never has crossed his mind that he could help just by doing these things occasionally. I definately think its a gender thing. I am aware that this may rile a few people but men and women work differently.

user1491543317 · 10/04/2017 06:04

Yeah. a bit lazy, I can say. If the pan wasn't washed for a day, its disgusting.

calli335 · 10/04/2017 06:09

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themusicmum · 10/04/2017 06:20

It might annoy you, but it's not forth getting on to dh about it. Just let it go.

Nessie71 · 10/04/2017 06:25

Some people(men) when they get a day off work they mean a day off...no cleaning or anything sorry but he could of washed them up...my husband can be lazy sometimes but like your husband works long hours! I work part time and my daughter is at school so i end up doing most things! But then he does the garden and diy....swings and roundabouts

SnugglyBedSocks · 10/04/2017 06:32

The clothes left in the machine would annoy me more. Why hadn't he hung them up?

HereBeFuckery · 10/04/2017 07:06

Posters who are saying 'just leave the pan for him to wash up', I suspect do not live with a slattern. If I did this to DH instead of angrily clearing it up it would be left for weeks. Months. I'd need to use it again long before he deigned to wash it up.

mummyoutoflondon04 · 10/04/2017 07:31

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Bargainqueen · 10/04/2017 07:48

It sounds to me as though life has gotten very trivial for you OP. Tit for tat. You put a load of washing on, knowing you wouldn't be there to unload it? Did you remind him whilst you were communicating? There is no harm in saying " can you please take the washing out to dry, and if you have anything to eat, please wash up the pan as it will smell by the time we get back."
Assumptions are such a pain, sounds to me like you assume that he will think of this when he is probably just focused on getting to you. I have to admit, when we go away if I have a last second cuppa or anything then I sometimes will leave the mug on the side, but then it's not a big deal to me.
You both have different roles in the relationship- he works and will not really think or comprehend the running of day to day things that you do in terms of when you decide to do the washing. I don't think it gives him free reign to do nothing, but he won't have as much of a grasp on this than you and I do think again, it wouldn't hurt to give him again gentle push.
He probably just didn't think. I don't think it's a crime.
I can see how these things can get to you when you feel like you're the only one doing them, but unless you discuss things then you will always feel resentful. A simple reminder/prompt to do things never hurt anyone and can save lots of issues. As much as you think it should be, he just won't have the same priorities in regards to the running of the house as you do because his first task is to provide for his family.

I do agree with people that have said there must be more to this. You sound like you are letting the small things consume you, rather than focusing on the fact you've just had a week long holiday with your dear ones. If that hasn't made you feel like giving him a pass for some great time spent together, then I think you need to look at why.

drivingmisspotty · 10/04/2017 07:57

Sorry i haven't time to read the full thread so someone might have linked to this already. Does this reflect how you feel op?
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9055288

I have a similar problem i am working on. I think the pan wouldn't bother me if there was more give and take. So occasionally if i was tired and took an early night DP would do the last few bits of washing up then i wouldn't mind also washing his last plate he didn't have time for or picking up the mug he left on the floor. But it never seems to cut that way. It's always me picking up/washing. Like you i am part time and i genuinely see it as part of that to do the bulk of housework, freeing up DP to earn. He does evening and weekend work too and i am happy to look after kids and home so he can do this. I am so proud of all he has achieved. But it does rankle when I work hard to keep the place clean and tidy and he eg gets stuff out of cupboards and leaves them lying around or leaves finished mugs of tea on the floor or pans on the side (he loves a greasy egg pan too!) It feels disrespectful, like he takes for granted i will clean it). Yes it only takes 4 seconds to sort, but why then can he not do it in his own 4 seconds and do his bit as a partnership to keep a clean home? Why is it always my 4 seconds?

It absolutely sounds petty. But it eats away.

WeDoNotSow · 10/04/2017 08:08

So he's now added crumbs to the still not cleared away frying pan?
I really don't understand the posters telling you to get a grip etc.
It must be exhausting to go through life without being able to add context to a scenario!

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 10/04/2017 08:21

Oh no he left a frying pan on the side after working whilst you were on holiday (paid for by him unless you have s trust fund). Haven't read through the full thread but it appears you left washing in the machine. Did he leave his work half done and expect you to finish it? Lucky u being able to have an immaculate house. If you can get this worked up about s frying pan it sounds like you have much more energy than DH. Maybe look at getting a part time job

PiecesOfCake · 10/04/2017 08:26

"Despite this I managed to wash up by hand."
Biscuit

ladyedith · 10/04/2017 08:33

I suspect this is the tip of a very large iceberg therefore I will say YANBU

juliecorrigan · 10/04/2017 08:50

This just isn't worth a big row. Just mention to him that you were fed up but then leave it. If the kitchen had been completely trashed, it would be a battle worth having. Next time remind him to make sure he leaves the place as neat as a pin.

Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 10/04/2017 08:53

Ok Re the clothes I was probably partly in the wrong which is why I just sorted it. The wash was on because Dd2 wet the bed in the night. I could have text him or rang him to ask him to do it as he was asleep when we left.
Definitely not a troll.
Max I have said I am doing some course in preparation for returning to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 10/04/2017 08:56

Leaving a pan for a day is fine but this was almost a week.
Anyway dh is up now so hopefully we can make the most of this lovely weather and take kids out and get a chance to talk.
Thank you for the different opinions. Lots of food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 10/04/2017 08:58

O and Max GE had a full 24 hours of free time in which to wash the pan.
Meanwhile I was on holiday yes but I wasn't relaxing by the pool OK as I had our 3 kids to care for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakegeneva40 · 10/04/2017 08:58

He

OP posts:
juliecorrigan · 10/04/2017 09:27

Yeah, he works long hours etc. Give him a break.

Inertia · 10/04/2017 09:34

OP doing most of the everyday household tasks when she's actually in the house is one thing. But she couldn't possibly have washed up the pan, as she was miles away looking after the children.

Must say that I am genuinely surprised by the responses on this thread. It's not the end of the world, I agree, and it's not worth leaving an otherwise happy marriage over. But I cannot get over the number of people willing to make excuses for a man who made a mess cooking -for himself only- on the Saturday, had the entire weekend off work, and still left all his dirty pans and crockery lying about while he went away for a week. It isn't the same as leaving a butter knife in the sink while you eat your toast, it's downright lazy.

Inertia · 10/04/2017 09:36

He wasn't working long hours at the weekend though- he had the whole of Saturday and Sunday off. I'm sure he could have found 5 minutes in that entire weekend to wash up.

BrinjalPickle · 10/04/2017 09:55

Christ - some of the replies on this thread! He's a grown up, he can manage to wash a flipping pan and hang up some washing in his two days off work. So he works long hours and is the main wage earner - enabled by op as a sahp. Why do we infantalise men? Why do we need to cut them some slack because they work outside the home? It would seriously annoy me too op and I'm the slattern full time wohp in our house.

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