To think this is disrespectful and lazy

[Lakegeneva40]

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

The man works hard so you don't have to. Cut him some slack it's only a frying pan a few utensils fgs!

I didn't realise because I have a job it means I don't have to wash up! Fantastic!

Daydream, the assumptions behind your post (are why I genuinely wonder why anyone would consider being a SAHM for ten seconds.

When a parent stays at home, a deal is made. The other parent works and earns money, the sah parent takes care of the household. It's not a matter of being a surrendered woman or grateful or any shit like that. It's a deal. A partnership.

No, the OP is not a household elf and should not do ALL chores (thought she should do most of them, because that is the deal, after all). Yes, the OP's husband shouldn't have left the dirty stuff lying around. That was thoughtless of him.

However, I don't the answer is for the OP to "lose her rag". I would say "X, please don't leave dirty stuff lying around after I've cleaned. I work hard to keep everything tidy. Please respect my work". Or something to that effect.

Of course, if he is thoughtless on a regular basis, it's a different matter. But if it's a one-off I wouldn't make such a fuss out of it.

Wow lots of replies.
alltoomuch that sounds awful. My situation re stuff is not that bad.
So in response to some about the holiday thing. Yes he had to work on the Monday. But he had the whole weekend to himself. He cooked once and ordered a takeaway.
Meanwhile I had two days with DC. The are lovely but the youngest is quite hard work. Despite this I managed to wash up by hand.
No need to cook except for myself as he took kids out for dinner on the way back.
So I did casually mention he left it out. He said sorry but nothing has changed.
Today the older two were taking part in a church service. I was out all morning and returned in time for dh to go out. He had made lunch and left crumbs on worktop and butter knife etc on the worktop. They are still there along with another knife and cake crumbs on the other worktop.
Re the grease I do have a sensitive noise for stale grease. I think it goes back on to pregnancy.
Re me not working. I did look into rejoining the workforce after number two started school but dh wasn't keen. After having a surprise menopause baby I put it on hold. Now she has started preschool I can plan my return to work.

Hah! I woke up at 8am after havin a pounding head to dh slamming doors cos he couldnt find hia bank card house was a mess i had been up all night with the babym found his shit card in the basket which is what i told him n where he supposedly "looked already" i blitzed that kitchen and lounge from head to toe. Cleaned cupboard doors drawers sides tiles hoovered mopped the whole fucking shabang. He come in and made the kids a pancake. In the toaster. It popped up he bittered it on the side. Left the butter knife and crumbs everywhere and let them eat in the lounge aftwr watching me. - well. Lets say hes probably wondering which month of 2018 will be safe to speak to me again. Its a frying pan. Let the man off.

I do accept that running the home and childcare is my job during the week. The problem is that I am still rushing around every evening. I do all the club runs, cooking and bedtime. Dh does nothing.
It doesn't feel balance but equally I am not contributing financially. Although if I was working childcare would be £100 per week term time. More like £150 in the holidays for Dd3 alone. Dd1 and Dd2 would also need wraparound care too.

booth dh did similar today. I was up in the night dealing with a vomiting episode all over her bedding. Fortunately Dd3 is fine and at least it was a dry day today.

On the other hand i see ur point. I bet he comes in after work and his job stops. Urs carries on right round the clock. The dinner the cleaning the washing the bedtimes the baths the tantrums. The nightmares the teething. I totally get where ur coming from but as i agree with a previous poster. Pick ur battles. A.frying pan and a few utensils. Brush it off. If he stands and watches u wash his shit up hit him with it!

OP, maybe work out just how much it would cost to replace you. All of you. Daycare. Evenings. Weekends. Cooking. Chores. Add it up and have that in your head next time the phrase "but I'm not earning" runs through your mind. No, you're not bringing money in, but you're preventing money from haemorrhaging out in massive quantities. You're also doing this at an untold expense to your career, which has been delayed now by well over a decade - a gap that is going to be simply impossible for you to ever make up.

And before anyone says "you can't have it all, you have to choose, career or kids" (hopefully no one on MN would be that stupid but you just never know) would you say the same to OP's DH?

I hope you get back into work soon OP. Your DH may be in for quite a shock about quite how nice his very easy ride has been so far.

Clearly childcare , laundry, ferrying to activities, housework etc etc emptying bins etc isn't work than daydream

My previous role was customer service based and I will probably return to a similar role.
When I do though we are going to have to split home responsibilities more equally.

Sorry boosh auto-correct fail.
Well at least I now have some up to date references which will help.

YABU. But I understand the SAHM bit. We work 24hrs a day whereas DH work 9-5. If they were buying food outside they wouldn't get it for free, they'd hav to pay for it even if they provided ingredients so we cook & clean for free.

Vivienne if he upped and took his salary with him he would still have to pay maintenance. He would then also have to all the chores he doesn't currently have to do. My chores would go down as I would have one less person to clean up after.
My plan is to return to work soon anyway so financially I would be OK.
On the subject of finances I worked for many years pre DC and also contributed to the house deposit so no I am not a freeloader living off someone's salary.
I also had a small self employed role per Dd3 too.

You're massively over reacting

Maybe the wording of my op was an overreaction. However I only mentioned it in passing. He said sorry but nothing has changed.
To be honest I feel I can't win on this thread. Either it is trivial and I should let it go or it is my fault for enabling him to feel he doesn't need to clean up after himself. Or I am a freeloader living off someone else's salary.
Although some have agreed with me of course. So many different opinions.

reebs it more like being on call 24/7. Although when dd3 was tiny I went through a stage of feeling like it was a 24/7 job.
Sleep was clearly for wimps in her opinion

It would wind me up too. But pick your battles. They just don't see things the same way we do. It's not done to spite you, there's no thought behind it at all.

No-one can win on AIBU.

If that's the biggest concern in your life you need to get a grip. One pan and a few utensils? Not great no but not worth having a huge fight over it.

Well dh is off tomorrow so will have a chat Re way forward Re me getting back to work. Also need to get kids on board too.

This would wind me up as well OP. I'm a sahm too, and certainly do the bulk of the cleaning/childcare etc - but I'm not a fucking slave. You leave a kitchen as you find it, don't you? Basic really.

My mum sounds very much like you. She'd completely flip out if anything was left out in the kitchen for more than a couple of hours.
My dad would always clear up, perhaps not right away but he would get round to it (and always on the same day..never leave stuff overnight) But my mum still would moan if he for example used some utensils and hadn't washed them within the hour.

She used to go away quite often on the weekends for a night or two and honestly it was like our shoulders relaxed every time she left. my Dad, brother and I were not dirty messy people but when she wasn't around we could actually make a sandwich and enjoy it before clearing everything away! It was heaven. We'd always spend ages making sure the house was immaculate before she got home but still she'd always find something or come home in a flap ASSUMING the house wouldn't be up to her Bree Van de Kamp standards. All she did was stress me out and make me on edge with how OTT she could be about her house looking like a show room.

I haven't read the whole thread. If this is something he does a lot then I get it is irritating. If not, there really are worse things and getting really angry over such petty things is going to put such a bad energy into the house. I know that sounds a bit "wishy washy" but growing up with a mum who was constantly stressed about this sort of thing, I sure as hell felt her stressiness rub off on me!

Tell him you want him to think about whether he sees you as a household servant.

Tell him you are both adults, and if he doesn't see you as a servant why does he not clean up after himself.
Who does he expect to clean up after him?
What sort of a person cleans up after others?

Ask as if you are genuinely interested in figuring out a scientific mystery, not with sarcasm.