To think this is disrespectful and lazy

[Lakegeneva40]

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

I was also surprised by most of the responses on here.

Lots of, he pays for you to stay at home ... Normally there's acknowledgement on here that SAHPs have value. I can't believe all the, he's had long days therefore doesn't have to do anything at home.

I am also a SAHM, still working on this balance (with the delight of an OW thrown in as my reward). I essentially gave up a PhD and any chance of getting my career started anytime soon in order to support my H getting his career going and moving every time his job demanded. And yes, he has tried the, I'm the one who has to work BS and I've learned very fast it is indeed BS.

Does me being sahm mean I have to clear up all his thoughtless messes that were completely preventable or that he could easily clean himself? Absolutely not. As many other threads have said, I am not his fucking skivvy.

The OPs grown ass husband had a kid free weekend to himself (wonder how long it's been since op had one?), presumably didn't work on the weekend, worked Monday before leaving for holiday and couldn't be bothered to wash up probably the dirtiest item before he left? And because he works soooooo hard he shouldn't have to clean up after himself and that's what his Sahw is for, whether she'll be home for a week or not.

What kind of person does that, makes a mess and instead of cleaning it up essentially says, "I've done enough (worked and cleaned some stuff) so I'll just leave the rest for my 'partner' to clear up when they get back in a week" ? It's not like he said, "sorry I meant to take care of it before I left but must have forgot, or sorry, I was going to take care of it when I got back".

But the OP should just take it because "all she does" is look after their 3 kids and everything else at home, and of course she just loves to come home from holiday to greasy stinky crap on the counter left for her to sort because her dh couldn't be assed to stick it in the dishwasher.

What's next, he should throw his dirty clothes on the floor a foot away from the laundry basket? Because he's worked soooo hard, it's too much effort to aim it the extra foot, and after all isn't that what his sahw is for, to clean up after his lazy ass?

Oops, long rant - must have hit a sore spot.

God it's like Stepford on here sometimes🙁

Isn't it just?

This is very much the thin edge of the wedge for you, you really need to talk things through with your husband , but it's not about a frying pan. It's about your marriage. He doesn't work long hours at all really and he doesn't seem very interested in parenting.I would be very unhappy if my husband took a weekend on his own instead of joining us for a holiday! I suspect you have tolerated / enabled this for a long time so you will need to seriously analyse your behaviour as well to fix it. Get a job, stand your ground on how to balance the load. You have enabled his career for years , career is about far more than just money and it is time for him to return the favour.

Hmm working full time or being a SAHP to 3 children, I wonder which is the most challenging... Having to care for 3 children, maintain a house, cook the food, make sure everything is organised.

The poor soul works so she can SAH and have the luxury of not getting barely a second to herself. Maybe she should get a job and DH can be the SAHP. See what he thinks of a week old greasy frying pan then.

I really don't get this. So he was on his own all weekend and pressumamsbly ate and washed up after himself and prob just had s bacon sarnie before he left for his hols and wanted to get there asap to help you out! I think you are being absolutely ridiculous tbh. Depending on the job doing some cleaning and looking after kids is way easier than working long hours outside the home. Give the guy a break. There seems to be a general theme I. Mumsnet about how being a sahp is the hardest thing on earth and how the partner should pick up the housework when they get home as the sahp as had such an terrible day enabling the working partner to go out and have an easy day at work.

I totally agree with you maxandrubyrubyandmax.

Max I believe the OP has already said that the pan was from the Saturday, when he cooked himself steak for dinner.

The husband wasn't working on the Saturday when he made the mess,nor on the Sunday. It's nothing to do with how hard SAHP work versus WOHP, it simply boils down to a man with a weekend off who couldn't be arsed to do his own washing up so left it for a week.

I wouldn't wash it up but I wouldn't make a fuss about it either. I'd be assertive, please wash up those few bits.

Done.

It's amazing that the op should just do it because it only takes 2 minutes but her dh shouldnt because he works so hard and couldn't possibly be expected to don't it. If it would take her 2 minutes it would take him the same.

As the sole earner I am annoyed at the general opinion that I shouldn't have to do anything in the house just because I earn the money. I do think my oh should do the bulk but my working doesn't allow me to come home stick some slippers on and go off with my pipe whilst I am waited on.

Come home to this and you've something to moan about..

Just ask him to clean it up? And then forget to do stuff he cares about. My bf leaves the place a state on a regular basis im not cleaning that up he can. I clean up my mess in the morning or just regulary like an adult.

Ahh thats why the bf has been a dick recently hes not getting me to clean the house constantly and im not paying for everything while he plays xbox all day!!

YABVU

Sameinshaw's kitchen would seriously have me blowing a fuse..
But a one meal deal..maybe not so much.
However, I totally get where you are coming from OP. When you are the one picking up and clearing up after everybody, you do start to feel a tad taken for granted. It happens here in this house too..both DH and teenage dc are completely incapable of depositing their dirty dishes in the dishwasher..I find them left on cisterns, bedside tables..stairs..you name it. Was in hospital with my youngest for a few nights last week, and rather than muster up a meal between them, they ordered pizza and couldn't even be bothered to put the empty boxes in the bin! They were still there when I arrived home..tired and emotional after a difficult worrisome week...piled up on the spotless clean table I had left them with..stinking the place out in the sun! They don't do it themselves.. because I think they know we will

Are we assuming the husband never does ANYTHING for the wife?

In my house my wife does the majority of the cooking and cleaning because she is here far more than she is.

I work full time.

I do all the gardening
Do or organise all vehicle maintenance and cleaning.
Do everything finance related.
Sort all house insurance, bills etc.

She isn't that bothered if her car is a tip so is happy to let it be and I just clean it up. I am not that bothered about a pan sitting in the kitchen until the next time I need it so if I lived alone would do that, but she just cleans it up.

Doesn't mean by doing that I don't respect her or am lazy, just that I care about different things and that when both living together we do small things for the other to make the house a decent place to live.

In your case, though Dothehokeykokey it sounds like you have a reasonably even distribution of responsibilities. In the OP's case, it sounds like it's heavily weighted towards the OP doing nearly everything (I could be wrong) seven days a week from get-up till bedtime, which is around a hundred hours a week, give or take, and DH expecting that spending about forty hours a week earning a salary is quite enough responsibility for him. If that representation is true and it's so unevenly weighted then I can see how even the odd extra straw could break the camel's back.

I think the thing is Hokey that you and your wife have found what works for you. And that you and she are appreciative of the other's efforts. DH and I have a pretty similar set up in addition to which he does his own laundry (he says I don't do it 'right') and he does all home DIY. Considering that we have acreage, his 'gardening' is quite extensive.

But I'll bet there are times that you, without really thinking about it, pitch in in the house. Just as DH will decide to sweep the floors or I'll prune a rose bush or two, unasked. It not only helps the other, but it shows in a way that you appreciate that the other works hard, too.

OP feels unappreciated, and it doesn't sound as if her DH thinks what she does is important. It's not the pan in the sink, it's the thought (or lack thereof) behind it.

Ok. So we are home after a nice day out.
Kept my cool and said that I don't mind doing all the day to day stuff during the week but I need help from everyone to make it easier. Like taking plates etc into the kitchen. Also would appreciate that if you make a mess on a clean counter that you give it a wipe.
Also reiterated my desire to get back to work and once there I need more balance.
Will see how it goes.
dothe Re your list dh deals with his car. I deal with mine.
He does the lawn and I do the rest of the gardening.
He pays bills like gas electricity and house insurance and his car insurance. I do my car insurance and other personal bills. I also do all the school and club subs etc.
So I guess this tasks are spit with him doing slightly more.
I also naturally do the health related stuff as I am available.
However they are not the day to day tasks like bedtime cooking etc which I pretty much do which don't fall between 7 and 6. They are less regular except work of course.

I expect he felt he had done his bit by cooking and putting his plate in the dishwasher.

OP you have a right to renegotiate the running of the household and probably need to raise this with DH at a quiet moment. And don't get bogged down with the frying pan detail.

Is his man cave the same place as his hobby room?

The more I read of this the more I realise that you are actually resenting how little he does, the pan being the straw that broke the camel's back. You need a proper talk, because even if he does work a lot of hours, he should do some bath time duties etc. It's hard being a stay at home parent as the work is endless.

It sounds like there are bigger issues in your marriage. You feel taken for granted and resentful. You probably need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. He might not realise how worked up you are. If he doesn't respond positively then I would really think about what you want...YANBU

This would annoy me.

Items being left send a clear message that the person who left them can't be bothered to tidy up.

Tidying up is for someone else.

If the person who created the (albeit in this instance, small) mess can't be bothered to tidy them, why would someone else who didn't create the mess want to swoop in benevolently and tidy up?

If it's a small job, then the person who created the mess should quickly tidy it away.

Not the Other Person, who always tidies up their own - and everyone else's - mess.

This ^ is why I could never be a SAHP.
^
Even the responses on this thread confirm that the majority of women just think the OP should've dealt with it, because the man earns the money.

One tiny, small thing x it being an everyday occurrence = a big thing.

Being the earner doesn't mean you get to be let off. My problem is that it was a small thing, but if he is always shirking responsibility, then it would get on her nerves. Staying at home doesn't equal being no longer valid, but the opposite: being at home with the children is incredibly important as well as hard work as there is so much to do. The misdemeanour itself seems overblown, but it's a sign that things are out of balance.

This isn't about a one-off frying pan and utensils being left on the bench. Nobody gets irate - let alone posts on Mumsnet - over a one-off incident.

We're all long enough in the tooth to know that by now...