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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is disrespectful and lazy

347 replies

Lakegeneva40 · 08/04/2017 14:31

So background. I am a Sah to 3 DC. Dh works long hours and earns a good salary which I guess enables me to Sah and improve my education.
We had booked a weeks holiday but dh aS unable to get the full week off. So rather than the kids miss out I drove down on the Saturday and dh followed Monday night.
The night before I left. The kitchen was immaculate as no one wants to return home to a dirty kitchen.
So this morning dh took kids off to a theme park before driving home.
I finished off the packing and cleaning etc and drove straight home to make a start on the laundry etc. (Watch casualty)
When I arrived I found a dirty frying pan and utensils left on the side.
Aibu to lose my rag when he returns. It's lazy and disgusting right.

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 10/04/2017 22:37

Sam has there been a bomb in your kitchen or something Shock

EastMidsMummy · 10/04/2017 22:46

YABU to watch Casualty, which is shit.

gandalf456 · 10/04/2017 22:52

Yeah, it would massively piss me off. It would make me feel as if I'm the cleaner and the only one in the house lowly enough to do it.

Aside from that, it is extremely unhygenic and slobby to leave a greasy pan on the side for a week and makes it a harder job to clean when you all get back.

I would definitely not be cleaning it myself. He can throw it in the bin for all I would care and buy a new one.

So, yes, you would be completely justified in having a go so that it doesn't happen again. I can't believe how many would let this go. WWYD, meekly wash it up so it happens again and again?

dogsdieinhotcars · 11/04/2017 09:34

When I first started reading this thread I thought YABU, but the pan is not the issue. You have inadvertently let yourself become a martyr. When you had your most recent chat with DH did he actually say anything back? Was it a two way conversation? You did not expand apart from stating what you told him.
Regardless of who works and who doesn't, you do need open communication for a happy relationship. You sound unhappy. And no-one should be unhappy.

stephbartlett1973 · 11/04/2017 12:45

I get where you are coming from as you work hard trying to keep the house clean and tidy then he comes in and doesn't respect your hard work by sticking the dishes in the dishwasher. It would have taken 2mins. I'm sure he would be annoyed if someone messed up what he has done in his job. It's hard work looking after children and keeping on top of the house. I work part time and on my days off I think my job is easier than juggling the housework and looking after my child. Try and speak to him calmly and explain how you felt about it. Hopefully he will understand. I've tried with my husband but he is so argumentative and stubborn it doesn't work with talking to him but maybe your husband will be more understanding

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 15:11

It concerns me that so many women here would just let it go, not see it as a big thing and just wash it up because he's the Big Man who earns the money and should be "given a break" for failing in the most basic of hygiene standards.

My MIL was one such - and I deal with the fall out of that all the time. DH has slob tendencies precisely because his mother always picked up after him. He therefore expects me to do the same. I expect him, as an ADULT, to be able to put his own stuff in the dishwasher, his clothes in the laundry basket, his clean clothes away in the drawers/cupboards and to take his turn doing the shit jobs like cooking and washing up. We have 2 sons - they are not going to grow up thinking that the clean-up fairy does all the messy jobs!
Occasionally I need to remind DH of why he takes turns - not because I'm being harsh on him (after all, he WORKS and I do feck all, sorry, SAH to look after our enterprising 4yo) but because he's being a good role model to our sons. Of course MIL feeds into the "it's not fair on him, he WORKS and he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home" because that's how she functioned.

Balls to it. Bring sons up to understand that shit work needs to be done by each person in the house, not just the ones with a vagina.

MrGrumpy01 · 11/04/2017 15:58

thumb my mil is exactly the same. It is hard work.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 16:00

It is, isn't it MrGrumpy

Dothehokeykokey · 11/04/2017 16:15

Those of you who would refuse to clean up if someone left something out, do people never do it in return?

Sometimes my wife is in a hurry and leaves stuff on the side, or a crisp packet in the lounge etc. I just sort it as I am passing.

Do people really leave stuff for the person who put it there to tidy up? No way I could live like that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2017 16:23

Sorry, what are you asking there? Does my DH ever clean up after stuff I leave lying around? No, he doesn't.
And no, I don't leave his stuff lying around either - I tell him to sort it out.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 11/04/2017 17:03

Dothehokeykokey That's our system - well, for the adults anyway. If you see a job, do it. Don't walk past it. Doesn't matter who caused it. DCs will be introduced to it when ages allow.

The background rule of course is that no one takes the piss doing very little or nothing, so this came after the early stage in our relationship where OH would walk past every single job without "seeing" it. (I also blame his mother for teaching him this in the first place. Like other DMs, she thought it was her job to be his skivvy and she remains horrified that I don't run around after him.)

mummyoutoflondon04 · 11/04/2017 17:20

I agree with dothehokeykokey
Try substituting the word Sister for DH and see if the reaction is the same. There seems to be loads and loads of wonderful women on here who are SAH and resent it (why do it then??) and are almost looking for something to get arsey and narkey about. "A Man who dares to leave out a dirty pan is obviously looking to dominate and de-humanise me and suppress me into becoming an inferior being because I end up doing more washing up than him during the day because I am based at home and he goes out to work" NOT. Get real.
Surely it's give and take??? My DH sometimes leaves stuff out but by the same token he will often tidy up after me when I am late/busy/knackered. It seems like people want to have an argument on here sometimes.

gandalf456 · 11/04/2017 17:23

He left it for a week . That would be my issue. She wasn't even there and it was STILL her job and, yes, my sister would get it in the neck for being a lazy slob too

dementedpixie · 11/04/2017 17:41

It was only left for a week because they were away on holiday. OP went on the Saturday and her dh went on the monday

WhooooAmI24601 · 11/04/2017 17:47

I'd be pissed off it had been left for a week. But DH is too sensible to even consider such shenanigans. He was a lazy groat when he lived with MIL because she saw it as her duty to do everything for him. He's now a fully-operational-adult and does everything around the house that needs doing, just as I do. Our DCs also do tasks about the house and understand that fairies don't fly in at midnight and pick up their shit. I just need to teach the dog to scoop her own poop off the lawn and then we're all set.

bbcessex · 11/04/2017 17:48

Hear hear, thumbs

OP. I feel for you. I'm glad you've come to the realisation that this doesn't work for you anymore.

I'd find it impossible to be emotionally connected to my DH if his values were like your DHs

gandalf456 · 11/04/2017 18:21

I'm sorry but you don't go on holiday without washing a pan up. Point is, if op had been there, it would have been done, justt as it should have with only dh there. I dread to think what bacteria were crawling on it

aprilsdelight · 11/04/2017 18:49

How many women would love to have a husband who earns enough to enable them not to have to go out to work, so they can study. Hes taken the child off your hands and the poor sod leaves a pan and a few utensils and you wanted to kick off and cause a scene? Give the man a break, you say he works long hours, well make a few allowances for him then. He might not step up? maybe he could cut back on his long hours and then he'd be more able.

Floggingmolly · 11/04/2017 19:07

You don't go on holiday without washing a pan up. Maybe he just forgot? I left an open pot of pee sitting in the bathroom before going on holiday once - in all the excitement of getting a BFP I completely forgot Grin
Bit grim to find it there in our return, but... accidents happen.

MrGrumpy01 · 11/04/2017 19:40

I am loving the fact that this thread is giving me carte blanche to do nothing because I earn and my dh doesn't and therefore he should do all my work as well as throwing himself at my feet every evening.

It's the poor defenseless little man who is doing a great favour if they pick up a dirty glass and whobetide actually do stuff with the children.

Do I get a big massive pat on the back because I did the washing up tonight and spent some time with the children? Because it sure seems the op's dh is deserving of this treatment.

goodpiemissedthechips · 11/04/2017 19:56

mrgrumpy ditto!

Dunno why everyone keeps telling me I'm so lucky to have him other than blatant sexism.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 11/04/2017 20:36

I remember my mum being a bit pissed off when the one time my Dad had to look after us for the day we had cereal for every meal and he left the dishes out for my Mum to sort out. She'd been nursing her father and had to come home to clear the mess my Dad left, she picked her battles and said nothing to him at the time because when she mentioned it to my grandparents, they said what many people on here are saying.

That it's No Big Deal, that my Dad works hard and was doing her favour in looking after his own children for the day while she sat with her dying father. She decided that they were rights are few dirty dishes are not a big deal, turned out it was a big deal but only when it was my Mum had not done them, apparently Dad didn't think he should come home to dishes in the kitchen because she's had all day to them, never mind that she had been with her dying Dad all day and again, grandparents agreed , washing dishes isn't hard work and she really could have done them before going to see her Dad, that it wasn't hard work and even if she was upset and stressed trying to get two small children fed and dressed it could have still been done. They divorced not long after that, dad was an arse in other ways, ie, mum couldn't go out if it meant him looking after his children, same with work, if she took a job she did so knowing she'd have to do everything at home still, but those dishes were a turning point in mum realising what a sexist twat my Dad was and she realised that actually, she was getting nothing from the marriage, yes he earned the money, but we'd be fine without it and Mum never had to be greatful to the twat ever again.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 11/04/2017 20:43

Clearing their own mess away is also something working single mums don't seem to get recognition for in the same way a Dad does.

Dh does his fare share and did the most of it when he was out of work and I was working full time. Apparently this made him a hero and me a very lucky woman. I think if I left dirty dishes for him to do I'd be told I'm a lazy cow and shouldn't add to dhs workload. Yet, the time I did the bulkmofmit as imwas out of work and dh wasn't, I was never called amazing, or told I should have a medal,min was told I shouldn't make a fuss about dirty clothes left on the floor though.

I genuinely think a woman leaving dirty underwear for her husband to pick up for her would be lazy and rank, but I have heard men doing the same excused in a typical man" type way.

MrGrumpy01 · 11/04/2017 21:17

over When dh and I swapped roles and he picked up swimming duty he was told by another Mum that he was wonderful for bringing them every week. No one ever said that to me when I was doing it, but yet him doing it was something to be applauded.

Reading this thread she probably wouldn't have been alone in massaging his ego.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 11/04/2017 21:47

My OH gets this. Takes DS shopping. Gets cooed at by women for being so lovely, babysitting, taking such good care, is mummy having the day off? Etc.. In the first few months he quite liked it but then started to get annoyed at the patronising undercurrent that is basically "you're not the proper parent, it's a miracle that kid is still alive, that's a woman's job, men are incompetent at childcare, why aren't you at work earning?" He doesn't say anything - too well-mannered - but I know it rankles and hurts his confidence as a dad.