Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hacked off at DH

243 replies

velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 12:52

DH is off to Los Angeles tmrw for 2 weeks for work related company piss up reasons. He has a few seminars and bits to do work wise but its all about schmoozing with his US counterparts that kinda thing. He will be wined and dined and go to universal studios etc. I know im BU BUT I am hacked off. We haven't had a holiday or even been away in 8 years (dh travels abroad a lot with work i know it's work but he still gets time to himself etc). Hes leaving me with three dc under 6 and did i mention that im 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy (cardiology issues). To top it off all 3 kids have bloody sickness bug and i have to drive him to heathrow which is 90 miles from where we live at 4am Angry Apparently his company wont pay for taxis or parking - ugh! Dh has also today informed me he has lost his debit card so will be taking mine so that means a drive and park up in town to get cash out the bank Angry

Dh and I have had a rough time emotionally at the moment due to issues hes had from the past that are currently being dealt with and i guess i am BU as he deserves a break but so do I. I would do anything for a weekend in a stuffy premier inn with no housework or dinner time mayhem Wink

OP posts:
PidgeonSpray · 07/04/2017 06:31

Someone else can give him a lift.

And he can get cash exchanged before he goes rather than leave you without a bank card. Or he withdraws a load of money for you before he goes so that you have some on hand

Smitff · 07/04/2017 06:59

He needs to look for a new job, as this one doesn't work for you or your family. The five of you being subjected to him "walking on a tightrope" for a job that doesn't pay for taxis, expects him to cover expenses out of pocket, and requires him to take a two week trip to LA when his wife is 36 weeks pregnant and has three small children at home, where he can't even disclose that you're pregnant and he has to use annual leave for paternity leave - that's just unacceptable. The last one is a killer.

Either he's pulling a fast one with you or he's got bigger problems than you think.

GloGirl · 07/04/2017 07:22

There's no WAY I'd let him take 2 weeks off as Annual Leave - he's robbing you of 2 weeks rest from what sounds like a horrible difficult shitty life with 4 young children and a husband that works away a lot . You need that extra 2 weeks so he can support you at home at another time this year like the summer holidays.

Phone ACAS but I think you have a reasonable period of time to take pat leave it doesn't have to be when the baby is born so he can still have his 2 weeks AL and 2 weeks paternity.

endofthelinefinally · 07/04/2017 07:28

I just don't believe this man is honest.
The whole story about the job, the work trips, expenses, using AL instead of paternity leave is just too far fetched.

Op you didn't answer my question about what the family does during his AL. I would expect him to have a leave entitlement of between 4 and 6 weeks per year.

My suspicion is that this is not a work trip at all. Sad

CosyCoupe88 · 07/04/2017 07:39

This is crazy. I haven't rtft but picked up that he hasn't told work you are pregnant. .. probably because they wouldn't expect him.on this trip if they knew it ran from 36 to 38 weeks pregnancy. Regardless of all the other totally unreasonable stuff, No way should he being going unless you had organised some sort of support for you while he was gone.. cleaner, family, childcare etc. What if you go into labour early? Airport run.. absolutely no way. Get a train or pay. Taking card.. no way.. take cash.

As previous posters have said.. this just doesn't seem right at all. You shouldn't be In this position

GreenPeppers · 07/04/2017 07:57

I think i take too much on bit then again its my life and my responsibilities so i cant complain in real life as that just gets thrown back in my face.

Who is throwing what in your face?
Are you saying that your DH is throwing at your face the fact your chose to be a SAHM, he is the bread winner therefore you should shut up and put up with it?

I do hope I have misunderstood there....

Because being a SAHM doesn't mean that he has no responsibility towards the dcs, that he shouldn't be taking you and them into account when he is taking decisions etc...
Regardless of whether you are a SAHM and he has a high pressure job, he should NOT be treating you and the dcs like this (I'm including the dcs here because his behaviour re the debit card or wanting you to take him to the airport has an impact on them too)

I'm still Shock that he lied to you re the parking and said work wouldn't be paying for it to force you to take him to the airport....

Original poster
velvetcandy · 07/04/2017 09:43

Update

Had awful night with sick kids, so he drove himself. We had words last night and now I feel shit. I'm really conscious not to nag and moan at him because men always think that women are nagging even if were not.

I said about me driving/doing school run (i have to drive its 5 miles away with) up untill the day I go into hospital and told him that apparently a lot of women dont even drive at 8 months pregnant but his reply was so i guess its all my fault then (him not me) and he didnt know what to suggest. He cant work from home because of kids and both our mums work too. I also said what would you do if I went into labour while your away? And he seems to stick by the fact that it just wont happen Hmm

I said that he should have asked his mum to come down to help me for a couple of days. Everything i said to him hes taken as me moaning and now gone off for 2 weeks and i feel shit. Nothing got resolved but i got my debit card and no 4am start Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetcandy · 07/04/2017 09:50

endoftheline when he takes al we just do normal stuff like everyday stuff. School runs, shopping etc.

greenpeppers what i mean by it gets thrown back in my face is not by dh its when i ask my mum to help or can she look after the kids for 2 hours so i can go to a hospital appointment or whatever I get "well you shouldn't have had so many kids" and other such comments about having 3+ kids thrown in my face. No one has ever looked after my dc overnight I do all the hard graft and once in a blue moon dh and i will go out for a meal but i never ask for help as i CBA with it as its easy pickings for my dm to moan at me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/04/2017 09:58

Your husband sounds fucking awful

And you are wrong to think that all men think women who raise legitimate concerns are nags. Only selfish, sexist men think like that.

Original poster
velvetcandy · 07/04/2017 09:58

For thr lovely posters asking about his emotional issues if you search my username your see. I started this thread with my name change sign in by accident.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetcandy · 07/04/2017 10:00

Also want to say thanks for all the support on here.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 07/04/2017 10:05

Doesn't he take AL in the school holidays so you can have family time?

I don't understand why, if his job is so high powered and his role so important, you can't even have family time, if holidays are really unaffordable.

We had holidays at home in the garden until our eldest was 12, but at least DH did book leave when the DC were off school.

Would you have room for an au pair?
(My friend had au pairs for about 15 years so that she could work full time.)

Msqueen33 · 07/04/2017 10:09

I feel like this with my dh a little as well and I'm aware it's not right that you can't have a conversation stating things that make you unhappy as being a nag. My dh also prioritises work over us it feels as he's always fearful he might lose his job (god knows why. As he never has). Personally I think it's a good excuse to get out of the grunt work with the kids.

I do think he's not told them about the baby so he has the excuse to go on this trip because he fancies it. I can't understand why a UK company would have people over in the US when it's an Easter weekend. Does he get the time back if he's working? Normally that's the case.

Oh and my mother is similar except my kids have disabilities which we obviously didn't expect.

Hope you manage some rest x

LaSegundaPaloma · 07/04/2017 11:40

Don't worry that he left on a bad note. That's's the least of your problems really. Hopefully this might cause him to reflect while he's away. I wonder if he'll feel any sympathy for you struggling at home, while he's getting uninterrupted sleep in his hotel? Tbh he sounds a bit emotionally defunct. I don't know how to do a search for your previous thread, sorry, but what is wrong with him?

unfortunateevents · 07/04/2017 11:55

I know this is a big and blunt question but how have you ended up in this situation? You are so fed up, worn down, unhappy and unwell. Your have three children under 6 and soon a fourth one, you get little help or support from your H, despite him seemingly having a fairly senior role you can't afford any kind of holiday for the past 8 years (so even pre children) and you are overdrawn every month. How did you get to this point? Why do you keep having children with a man whom I personally wouldn't even want to have sex with all that often?! Have things always been this difficult or has something happened recently?

Goldfishjane · 07/04/2017 12:05

afraid I have a blunt question too

did he actively want to help out with four children or is he one of those men who just wants to walk around going "I'm so manly, I have 4 children"? Or is he the type who thinks having more will keep the wife at home forever?

I'm not disputing you were involved in these decisions too but here we are and I'm just wondering how things came about as it might impact on how you choose to move forward.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 07/04/2017 13:03

Velvet, I'm so sorry you're having to do all this alone. It sounds as if, although not massively supportive, your DM and MIL are nearby? Can you rely on them if you go into labour early? Flowers

Good on you for not taking him to the airport and keeping your debit card - you might need it if you go into labour early.

When I was 36 weeks my DH was due to go on a work trip. I had a high risk pg too and asked if he could do his bits by skype (or similar remote program). He was a bit annoyed to miss out on the schmoozing opportunities but he asked work and explained the situation and they were fine with it as obviously it was a one off. I can't believe your H thinks so little of you (and hus unborn child) that he didn't ask to do this too. It's quite easy to do presentations / have meetings remotely these days. His work thing was nowhere near as far away either.

Please look after yourself, get taxis if you need to Flowers, in this situation your health (and your baby's) is more important than the overdraft.

PuppyMonkey · 07/04/2017 13:25

This is such a sad but all too familiar thread. All that's missing is the bit where you say he's a great husband and dad apart from this.Sad

Hope you've got a plan in place for if you go into labour early. Good luck.

CosyCoupe88 · 07/04/2017 13:26

Your husband sounds like an idiot and you sound like you both need to communicate more.. don't try and be the woman who isn't a nag unless you want to be a doormat instead. Read up on communication in relationships and avoiding conflict... Lots of ways to bring up issues in ways that won't get other person all.up on the defensive.

I still can't believe you're in this position and I have no idea how you've let yourself get here.. sorry to be harsh but christ alive it's crackers

CosyCoupe88 · 07/04/2017 13:30

Your husband is a giant testicle who needs a slap with a cold dead fish right to the face to snap him out of his absurd way of thinking. Not taking paternity is just utter lunacy and not telling work is just unbelievable ... then all his mad requests and going on this trip. I don't have words ti describe my disbelief at it all

diddl · 07/04/2017 14:52

"I also said what would you do if I went into labour while your away? "

Well he wouldn't do anything, would he?

You'd be the one trying to find care for the kids or organise a homebirth!

I do sort of see your mum's point about not wanting to look after three kids-do you ever ask her to have one or two just to help?

Original poster
velvetcandy · 07/04/2017 16:31

If i went into labour I'd be fucked. Mil lives hour and half away also works. My dm lives an hour away, works but is away for a while travelling. I would have to get mil round I suppose, we dont have a great relationship but its pleasent enough. Not sure she would cope with the 3 dc but oh well.

cosy I would love to know how to talk to dh in a way that he didnt perceive as me nagging him. On reflection I do keep a lot of things to myself because I dont want to cause conflict or argue. He's what i call an onion - has so many layers to him but i think his work addiction is more making sure we stay afloat financially. The past few years have been tight for us (house stuff) even with his salary we still seem to have nothing left each month. Hes not a high high earner but a decent earner and with 5 of us (6 soon) money drys up fast each month. Everything just goes back to money with him when i say i need a break or whatever. Can't do this or that as we have no money or the reason hes so stressed is money the reason he has to go away is showing his company hes a team player if not he worries he will lose his job. I dont think he can afford pat leave which is why he takes it as al. Hes done the same in my last 2 pregnancys but did earn less then. I seriously just think he thinks im like some kind of tank who just can keep on going without a rest. Also i feel that i shouldn't be moaning at him as hes the one who works. My dm tells me frequently that I should be working as she did and all her friends did when they had kids and she can't see why I'm an exception so i always have it in my mind that maybe i shouldn't be nagging as im in no position to be nagging? I dunno anymore.

diddl it really wouldn't help me is dm had just one dc. Logistically its more effort for me to get one of them to her so not worth it really.

OP posts:
THirdEeye · 07/04/2017 16:41

Velvet on a practical note here, could you hire a mothers help? In the short term this could really support you in managing your other DC and give you much needed support in these last few weeks of pregnancy.

As PP have said, he sounds emotional defunt and very immature! My DH works in a high pressured environment, this didn't stop him forgoing a trip to the US when I had a hosptial procedure last year (and BTW, his company were very understanding). IMO, it sounds like he uses his job as an excuse, to excuse his participation homelife and of being a father/parent.

Also, does he not realise that he could now get up to 12weeks paternity leave? Why he feels the need to use AL, is beyond me.

CosyCoupe88 · 07/04/2017 16:42

You're being a superwoman. Being st work would be a break as at least you would get a break and lunch break!! He is loading you up like a camel and you will break if he carries on and you keep going... maybe this is what will happen and cause him to actually realise it's too much for you.

I've picked up a lot of "non nagging " techniques with my job as a teacher where I think my job description is to nag teenagers allall day long haha. Will try and find link

Hope all goes ok and no labour til he is home

Original poster
velvetcandy · 07/04/2017 16:44

thirdeye is pat leave significantly less pay? I need to look into this as he just says he csnt afford to take it. Also im going to look into mothers help. Thanks x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread