To be hacked off at DH

[velvetcandy]

DH is off to Los Angeles tmrw for 2 weeks for work related company piss up reasons. He has a few seminars and bits to do work wise but its all about schmoozing with his US counterparts that kinda thing. He will be wined and dined and go to universal studios etc. I know im BU BUT I am hacked off. We haven't had a holiday or even been away in 8 years (dh travels abroad a lot with work i know it's work but he still gets time to himself etc). Hes leaving me with three dc under 6 and did i mention that im 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy (cardiology issues). To top it off all 3 kids have bloody sickness bug and i have to drive him to heathrow which is 90 miles from where we live at 4am Apparently his company wont pay for taxis or parking - ugh! Dh has also today informed me he has lost his debit card so will be taking mine so that means a drive and park up in town to get cash out the bank

Dh and I have had a rough time emotionally at the moment due to issues hes had from the past that are currently being dealt with and i guess i am BU as he deserves a break but so do I. I would do anything for a weekend in a stuffy premier inn with no housework or dinner time mayhem

Just read your update.

Could you discuss your concerns with your midwife re: going into early labour etc?

Ive spoke to her about it well she constantly reminds me that if i go into labour early i have to get my arse straight into hospital as this will be my 4th csection and theres too many risks with rupturing etc. Dh knows this but doesnt think it would ever happen (fingers crossed). I haven't shared my worries about dh being away and going into labour though.

I'm not sure about that velvet, it would be best that you checked that out.

From what I've read, he maybe entitled to two weeks full pay at the very least.

velevt I think that you should discuss your concerns. She will be able to put a plan in place to help.

To be really honest he does need to sort out a CC for work.
He will feel much better re money if you aren't in overdraft all the time because you are waiting for work to pay you back.
Also knowing exactely hone much money is going in and out, you can budget much better. Atm I suspect it's all a bit of blur.

PL is really less money if it's the statutory stuff.

https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/eligibility

If he's been employed for over 26 weeks he would be eligible if he has given the correct notice - which we know he hasn't bothered to do.

Companies vary, but most large firms offer 2 weeks at full pay.

Paternity Pay
You must give your employer form SC33_ (or their own version) at least 15 weeks before the week the baby is expected.

So I think it's far to say he could no longer claim for paternity leave or pay - because he hasn't even told them your pregnant

I hardly ever say this but for God's sake make this the last baby you have with this guy.

Im pretty sure he hasnt told them im pregnant not because its some dirty little secret but he probably thinks its just usless irrelevant info for them.

Wow I feel so sorry for you. Do you have any friends who could help if you do go into labour?

Have you got any good friends you could call on? Or maybe look into a service that offers emergency nannies in case. Who will have the kids when you're at the hospital? I do think it's hugely irresponsible to be gone so close to your due date. When is he due back? Assuming before Friday as it's good Friday.

He sounds as if he doesn't really care about you very much! (sorry )

Well it's pretty pertinent information quite frankly.

To the company as they can plan for his absence when the baby comes and more importantly for you as a family so he claim his legal entitlements to support you after the birth.

He seems to be incapable of doing even the bare minimum to look after you.

I can only imagine you've just been conditioned over time to accept this degree of indifference and selfishness on his part as "normal".

PS I am hardly a communication queen.. I probably most definitely am one of those nagging women " if you leave your shoes on the doormat one more time YOU'RE DEAD TO ME" kind of style

Did your MIL have childcare? Help from family?
There does seem to be amnesia amongst grandparents about their lives with small dc.
I suspect your DH has compartmentalized your relationship into him (work & money) you (house and kids) but neither of you are coping. He assumes that his work props everything up whilst failing to look at the work you do. Right now he's prioritising his paid work over your unpaid work and not realising that if you break there is no plan B. If he loses his job it's a disaster, yes, but if you fall apart then it's going to be worse.
He needs someone to make him wake up.

Ok - so I looked up your other thread and it's obvious you have been through the mill recently with MIL and him being forced to confront very traumatic childhood experiences.

I don't want to underestimate how difficult this must have been - however, it's not clear if his current treatment of you is related to the court case/MIL settlement or not.

Has his response to this pregnancy been significantly different to the other wrt his support?

What I would caution is that even if that is a factor in his current behaviour, it's not something you can allow to be normalised or ingrained.

This is how abuse ends up cycling through the generations - even if the type of abuse is manifested in a different form.

Being supportive to him is not best served by appeasing his selfish behaviour.

Velvet, tell your midwife and/or health visitor that your DH is away, especially if you don't have any back up in place. They actually need to know this info to do their job properly. They may be able to access help if need be. Have you had your 36 week scan yet?

He sounds like he's awful with money (poor credit, going overdrawn for expenses) and forward planning - I think you need a serious talk about this.

It also sounds like he's not very valued at work, whether this is because they are awful to work for, he's a poor employee, or a bit of both - I think he needs to look for a new job.

My husband worked for a company that expected him to shell out for expenses and claim it back (£200 hire car excess just before payday was a good one), at a time when he wasn't really liquid (newly qualified and pretty poorly paid, etc), and it was hard. They were also shitty about booking the very cheapest hotel and expecting him to drive across country in a tiny hire car. I can imagine them paying bare minimum pat pay and I don't think that's a lot. At the time he put up with it because leaving his first job in the industry too soon would look bad, but he left as soon as he could.

OP, I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy and a safe labour, when it's all over I think you need to sit down and discuss priorities with him.