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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hacked off at DH

243 replies

velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 12:52

DH is off to Los Angeles tmrw for 2 weeks for work related company piss up reasons. He has a few seminars and bits to do work wise but its all about schmoozing with his US counterparts that kinda thing. He will be wined and dined and go to universal studios etc. I know im BU BUT I am hacked off. We haven't had a holiday or even been away in 8 years (dh travels abroad a lot with work i know it's work but he still gets time to himself etc). Hes leaving me with three dc under 6 and did i mention that im 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy (cardiology issues). To top it off all 3 kids have bloody sickness bug and i have to drive him to heathrow which is 90 miles from where we live at 4am Angry Apparently his company wont pay for taxis or parking - ugh! Dh has also today informed me he has lost his debit card so will be taking mine so that means a drive and park up in town to get cash out the bank Angry

Dh and I have had a rough time emotionally at the moment due to issues hes had from the past that are currently being dealt with and i guess i am BU as he deserves a break but so do I. I would do anything for a weekend in a stuffy premier inn with no housework or dinner time mayhem Wink

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 06/04/2017 14:05

Poor velvet.
OP - people are not having a go at you. We are angry at your H for treating you so inconsiderately.

I don't know what his issues from the past are - but nothing makes his treatment of you acceptable.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 14:07

Why do you have to drive him? Can't he take the bus/train?

Or you could just drop him to the station?

Msqueen33 · 06/04/2017 14:08

I hope you don't feel like people are having a go at you OP it's purely your dh!

Despite issues from his past he's meant to love you and his dc. He should be looking after you.

NavyandWhite · 06/04/2017 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pallisers · 06/04/2017 14:11

This is nuts (and I say this as a woman whose husband went to a conference in Hawaii when we had 3 under 4, I worked full-time and all 3 plus me had a vomiting bug). Apart from him leaving you when you are so close to term and have a heart condition ....

First of all the company needs to pay for a cab/uber/whatever for him. I have never heard of a company large enough to be sending someone to CA for work, expecting people to find their own way to the airport. If it is truly the case, then he needs to get an aircoach. What doesn't need to happen is you driving him to the airport in the middle of the night in your last month of pregnancy.

Secondly this

shirley the whole expenses issue is well another issue confused we regularly go into overdraft cuz he does 400-500 a month on expenses angry obs does get it back

How on earth has he ended up like this? Surely he can get a company credit card (one he is responsible for paying) or even take out a separate credit card himself solely for work. Then he charges everything to that credit card, submits his expenses, gets paid them before the bill hits, and clears the bill. You should not be going into overdraft to clear his expenses.

ExplodedCloud · 06/04/2017 14:13

chocorabbit never heard of women driving at 8 months? Really? I was driving at 40 weeks Confused

endofthelinefinally · 06/04/2017 14:15

My friend's husband never took AL.
Claimed he was far too busy and important.
He gradually increased the length of his work trips until eventually he was only home for 2 days a year.
He kept her short of money and wouldn't let her work.

It didn't end well and alarm bells are ringing for me.

Crickeycrumbsblimey · 06/04/2017 14:21

I cannot imagine a US company not paying taxi/fuel/travel - sorry op but He is talking rubbish! He will at least be getting a claim back for fuel in his expenses.

Twats like this make me so cross! Look after yourself and your children- he isn't a child so can look after himself.

Oh and he can get some dollars out from a high street bank and not take your card!

Hope you are okay - can't imagine how tired and stressed you must be.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/04/2017 14:21

Am I wrong in thinking that if his card is lost then your card could be seen as 'stolen' (even though it isn't) and is effectively useless? Why don't you phone up the bank to report his card as lost/stolen (but only after you've withdrawn enough money to see you through while he's away)??

As for the other stuff, you are so not being unreasonable. At all.

HandbagCrab · 06/04/2017 14:25

Look after yourself op, your life sounds very hard work. I'd not be taking anyone to the airport or handing over my bank card in your position.

Beachhairdontcare · 06/04/2017 14:25

I'm not sure which is more horrifying, him asking you to take him to the airport with your DC at 4am heavily pregnant, or you actually considering this madness.

I have no words for selfishness of that scale. What a dick.

PushingThru · 06/04/2017 14:29

Selfish, weak, pathetic. He'd betray you in a heartbeat.

Huldra · 06/04/2017 14:34

He is the only one who can report his card as lost. But yes him using the ops card abroad could flag up an unusual spending pattern and get blocked. The OP would be the only one who could get it unblocked, then the bank would know the situation and may cancel the card entirely and send her a new one. He would then be left without spending money in the USA.

Even if the bank don't flag it, a hotel or restaurant may if they look at the name and figure that Ms is in fact a Mrs.

KoalaDownUnder · 06/04/2017 14:34

I'm utterly godsmacked that he asked you to drive him to the airport under these circumstances.

What. The. Fuck.

KoalaDownUnder · 06/04/2017 14:35

Gobsmacked, even.

Bloody shocked, anyway!!

Huldra · 06/04/2017 14:36

Ms is a Mr. I don't think a waiter will be asking him if he is really a Ms and not a Mrs Grin

TheAntiBoop · 06/04/2017 14:44

That's a good point - in the us they sometime check the passport to the card. How potentially very embarrassing for him if it turns out he can't pay for his round....

My dh travels a lot all over the world and he would struggle with just a debit card.

Kiroro · 06/04/2017 14:44

don't be a mug OP. There are seriously fuck off red flags all over here. He is being extremely economical with the truth i'll bet.

"No DH, I can not drive you to the airport, obviously. You will have to get public transport the night before or get a lift with a colleague."

It is beyond my comprehension that any firm that requires staff to travel to the US does not pay for a taxi to the airport TBH.

"No DH, you can not take my debit card. Suggest you go into town and withdraw cash from the bank."

Re the expenses - he should be getting them reimbursed if opt of pocket before his CC bill is due, but it would be much more professional (and typical) to have a company CC.

It all sounds a bit unmanageable - 5 kids, a shitty DH, money issues.

Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 14:45

I cannot believe that anyone would think asking the op in her condition with 3 little kids to take them to the airport 45 minutes away to be there at 4am is reasonable and 'just something you do for family'. Yeah if you are 100 % fit and healthy and dont have 3 tiddlers in tow!

And leaving a woman with a high risk pregnancy for 2 weeks is appaling. If he had had the balls to tell his company the truth they would have been sympathetic, its not the end of the world, OP's health comes first. But I suspect that he didnt even bother trying he just wants another holiday on the company expenses.

Seriously tell him to sort out his card today, and to organise a lift to the airport with one of his co workers who is also going. I am sure there will be some. Or get the nearest train, bus there and wait for his flight.

Do not take him, its one of the most selfish things I have heard for a while. And tell him he had better bring you back something nice from USA Smile

What about getting a card just for his work expenses and then he can pay it off each month when he gets them back so your family account isnt going into the red every month, its not great for your credit score for the future. Dont let hijm dictate to you about money, its family money not his.

And later this year/next year make sure you get a holiday, stuff him and his jollies on his own, by then you will need one!

itsgoodtobehome · 06/04/2017 14:45

Why are you having a 4th child with this man? Sounds like a complete selfish prick.

SwimmingMom · 06/04/2017 14:57

My DH turned down all company trips after my 7th month even when I was low risk with a 6 year old DD & working full time from home. We live very close to Heathrow and never ever has he asked me to drop/collect him be it sunshine or rain let alone 4am! It's bloody ridiculous!! I'd be ashamed if he did ask under your circumstances. You need to be blunt with him and let him know how selfish he's being. At the very very least he should bring you cash in advance, do groceries for as long as you can use, sort out all possible emergencies & give you a 24 hour number where he can be reached. If course oh top of getting himself to the airport & back himself! Please don't do this to yourself, you deserve better.

nickEcave · 06/04/2017 15:02

This is the most unreasonable AIBU I have seen in a long time! I have had two children by CS and my husband had to travel long haul for work in both my pregnancies but absolutely NOT in the last 6 weeks or so and not if I had an underlying health problem.

NoSquirrels · 06/04/2017 15:02

Taxi to airport.

You can get cash out for him today, which he can change into dollars - you keep the debit card. His problem he lost his, not yours.
Or, better, you can give him the cash to purchase & load money onto e.g. a Travelex money card, which he can use abroad and you can top-up for him if he runs out.
Do NOT give him your card. Apart from anything else, your bank will take a really dim view of that.

He books a pre-paid airport taxi.

I cannot really believe either of you would think it a good idea to drive to the airport with 3 young kids when you'e 8 months with a cardiac issue.

Leaving all the rest aside for a moment, just tell him those 2 things.

  1. he takes cash not your debit card
  2. he books a taxi to the airport
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 06/04/2017 15:11

OP mentions that he regularly runs up expenses of £400 - £500 a month and that it puts them into their overdraft. From that I read that there isn't a lot of spare money around. My guess is that the company will pay for travel to the airport, but given the rest of his behaviour that 'D'H intends to pocket it as spending money while his wife and three kids ferry him there at 4.00am.

Sweetheartyparty76 · 06/04/2017 15:15

I can't believe that his work do not pay for expenses to and from the airport. Are you sure he is not pocketing the mileage say 180 miles x 45p =£81 whilst massively inconveniencing you and your family. I even worked for some poor companies but they all paid mileage or travel expenses.
All the other stuff, you are definitely not being unreasonable. I feel so sorry for your position x