To be hacked off at DH

[velvetcandy]

DH is off to Los Angeles tmrw for 2 weeks for work related company piss up reasons. He has a few seminars and bits to do work wise but its all about schmoozing with his US counterparts that kinda thing. He will be wined and dined and go to universal studios etc. I know im BU BUT I am hacked off. We haven't had a holiday or even been away in 8 years (dh travels abroad a lot with work i know it's work but he still gets time to himself etc). Hes leaving me with three dc under 6 and did i mention that im 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy (cardiology issues). To top it off all 3 kids have bloody sickness bug and i have to drive him to heathrow which is 90 miles from where we live at 4am Apparently his company wont pay for taxis or parking - ugh! Dh has also today informed me he has lost his debit card so will be taking mine so that means a drive and park up in town to get cash out the bank

Dh and I have had a rough time emotionally at the moment due to issues hes had from the past that are currently being dealt with and i guess i am BU as he deserves a break but so do I. I would do anything for a weekend in a stuffy premier inn with no housework or dinner time mayhem

two weeks in long term parking is less than that surely?

anyway he parks, he pays he claims it back. end of #
or he takes a taxi/public transport

No. He did the digging.
But you need to stop this expenses nonsense. That would have solved two of the problems with this trip. He should probably tell them about the baby too.

if he had pre booked long stay parking it would be something like 60£
for two weeks at heathrow so he is talking rubbish
but clearly he doesnt plan ahead
no credit card??
no thinking about your condition

this cant go on

what support and help do you have?

You've already said you're extremely tired. How does he think you're going to feel, and how will you cope all day with three young children, after being up all night taking him to the airport?

Is he being paid double time for being away all over the Easter period?

It sounds really odd to me. I think I'd be tempted to phone his HR dept up while he's away and say you're trying to plan a summer holiday, and find out whether he has taken any annual leave for this trip.

OP well done in telling him he is not having your card; that was a bonkers idea.
Do think of yourself a little more and when you feel up to it sit down for a discussion re your needs in this marriage. Sounds as if DH has become your 5th child in that you are expected to meet his needs before your own, care about his feelings and angst, while nobody seems to care about your feelings. High on your list should be a break from the children (or at least the 3 older ones) and a holiday.
I'm sure DH can arrange this somehow if he puts his mind to it. If he's travelling etc there are all sorts of ways to economise on expenses. You have been too kind and unselfish to the point where you now feel worn out and resentful.
I hope the remainder of your pgcy goes well. Do update us on how things turn out. Good luck

It does sound like he just has no idea how difficult all the domestic stuff (and being heavily pregnant) is and expects you to cope with anything and everything. And that his job is soooo important it trumps all.

That's got to change - maybe this isn't the time to have that conversation but I really think you need to discuss it with him.

We haven't had a holiday or even been away in 8 years

did he force you to get pregnant each time then?
You've had 8 years to focus on sorting out a holiday but you keep choosing to spend that time,energy and money on having one baby after another.

Yea, the trip would probably be more of a holiday for him - but it's still a work trip.

it seems neither of you are good at communicating with each other or planning ahead.
He should have ensured he would be at home during this time and spoken to his boss's about it being high risk. It's selfish of him.

Who helps you with the dc when he works away - which you say he does a lot of?

Stop enabling him to be thoughtless and selfish.
Why are you running around accommodating everything instead of telling him how you really feel and doing something about it?
He has his own legs/car to get to a cashpoint and then hand your card back to you.
He CAN sort his own transport - i bet he's not this incompetent at work?

I think you're both equally unreasonable.

If work are paying for the car parking itdoesn't matter how much it costs! He doesn't need you to drive him to the airport.
This relationship sounds insane to me yet you have 5 kids with him.

Is really and truly how some people live? Astounding.

He's taking your card. ERM no. Tell HIM to get cash out to take.

He's dug his own hole. Let him feel what it's like to have to fix all this instead of you sacrificing yourself to do it. No debit card, no lift to the airport, no more leaving you to it. He's treated you like a fool. Make this the point where it goes on no longer.

Incidentally, in my experience, people like this who try desperately not to cause trouble or make any demands of their company are the ones who lose their jobs anyway when the company wants to cut costs. Almost any firm will get rid of people at bey time when it wants to, without thinking 'oh, but he never asked for time off and paid all his own travel expenses'. It's quite often the people who asserted themselves and said clearly what they would and wouldn't do who get respect from management, if anyone does.

I'm always astonished at people who have no support from their idiot husbands but keep on having kids with them. The support isn't going to magically appear the more their kids arrive.

I mean, this bloke sounds too thick to be employable. If he's real.

uslt needs to get his head out tgecssnd and realise you have a heart condition not a bloody cold sore and that running after little kids all day isn't a picnic never install the other stuff you do.

Not telling his boss is ridiculous and selfish to everyone concerned. His work should be aware that he could be called away at any time of you go into labour. Who is going to be your back up if you are rushed into hosp before your due date?

And as for going to the other side of the world words fail me.
Tell him to get the bus to the airport you don't care about his bloody jolly with his work mates.

Once you have had the baby and are well you really need to sit down with him and set out some respectful rules and boundaries for both of you. He doesn't seem to be able to see past his own needs and wants. Who the hell goes off on trips abroad regularly for work (and pleasure obviously) but doesn't take his family on holiday for 8 Years? He doesn't seem to have a clue about your responsibilities and work load at home it's all about him.

"He needs to get his head out of the sand"

😤😠

Velvet - this must be really hard for you. Please try and take it as support for you and your baby. People are angry in your behalf.
I can sympathise with you to a point as I also have 4 DC and a DH who has to travel a lot. However, I can say with absolute certainty that he would NEVER have left me for 2 weeks during the last few weeks of any of my pregnancies. None of mine were higher risk either.

He should not be asking his pregnant wife to take him to the airport at 4am. This makes me very sad. Please don't tell me he expects all the DC to get up as well.
When is your own mother back? You should be resting as much as possible in these next few weeks. Why does he not see you need looking after - for the sake of the baby if nothing else!

Maybe he's very insecure in his job. I accept that and it's scary with 4 DC to support. But even the Prome Minister would not be expected to leave his wife with a heart condition just prior to her giving birth. I don't understand why he hasn't told his work either - does he think nobody else ever has babies? I think he's misjudged what their reaction is likely to be tbh.

Well it looks like he is going though, so I think all you can do is make the best of it and tell him you will need a weekend of total rest away from all demands if the DC when he is back. And DO NOT drive him to the airport - that is utterly ridiculous. I hope your mum can help soon?

Why do you feel like giving up OP?

You posted this thread because you already suspected knew he was being unreasonable.

I get what it's like to work in a high pressure environment we're travelling is expected. I appreciate the pressure he feels.

All that said, there is so much you have disclosed that just doesn't make sense in term of his behaviour - even in that environment.

Not telling work you are pregnant, not being able to claim reasonable expenses, not having a credit card and using the family money unnecessarily to "subside" work related costs, expecting you to drive him to the airport etc etc

If I got a taxi to the airport it would cost a fortune. I also don't want to leave my car at the airport for 2 weeks. So I do something revolutionary - I get a taxi to my local train station, then a train to London, from where I can get this "magical" transport called the Heathrow Express to the airport - yes, right to the terminal!

I'm also legally allowed to claim back all the costs for this - because that's how it works in the U.K. I could pay on my debit card - but I'm not stupid. I pay on a credit card and file all my expenses the first working day I get back to the UK - so they are paid in time for me to pay off the CC balance.

Does he have a history of bad debt? Is the issue he can't get a credit card? The upshot is it took me 15 mins to apply for my last one and 24hrs for it to be approved.

My husband works in the same industry - with the same pressure - though his travel is largely confined to Europe.

There is no way he would have flown to Paris, never mind the US when I was 8 months pregnant. He actually refused to go to Edinburgh 3 weeks before my due date and thank god he did as DS was born 3 weeks early with a stupidly short labour for a first baby.

You must be exhausted looking after the kids and dealing with a difficult pregnancy - I just can't understand why he is behaving like this - nothing you have said is a good reason. I can only conclude it's because he's utterly selfish.

I know no-one made me have kids its my responsibility and choice etc and yes i could have booked a holiday somwhere but finances have been tight and were always overdrawn etc. He does have bad credit and cant get a credit card. I could probably apply for one and get him to use it for his expenses as then I would have a clearer account of what money we actually have if that makes sense rather than 500£ going out on expenses etc. Ideally a company card would be great but his firm just dont do them.

Im pretty sure he just doesn't consider me tbh. Not because he doesnt love me or hes a mean person but just because his work is always priority. He feels like he is walking on a tightrope constantly... one slip and we're up shit creek. He has a lot of pressure on him but that was always the deal i.e. i stayed at home with kids.

I just wanted some support which i have totally got on here as i am just angry and fed up that he has decided its a good idea to fuck off for two weeks at this stage in my pregnancy. I think i take too much on bit then again its my life and my responsibilities so i cant complain in real life as that just gets thrown back in my face. Also i think he thinks that as my previous pregnancy/births have gone to plan this one will too so he hasn't thought about it not!

I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH.

You are supposed to be a team - supporting each other. I see a very unbalanced relationship here.

It's a good idea for you to get a credit card. Many companies allow for a "spousal" duplicate (I have one for my DH and vice versa). It would make a big difference to your finances - if he can be responsible enough to claim expenses in a timely fashion.

He must know this pregnancy isn't normal. Despite what has happened before just assuming all will go to plan is madness.

You need to stop enabling his behaviour and agree some boundaries - refusing to hand over your debit card was a good start.

You can still be a supportive partner wrt to his work but that needs to be balanced by him being supportive of you.

Ate you going to attempt to change anything at all ? Or just have a whinge here and go back to your Stepford life ?

Thing is with 'my life, my responsibilities' is that they're his kids too and his responsibility too. He can't leave it all to you because you gave birth to them. Which is what seems to happen.

OP - can I ask what you meant by this in your opening post?

Dh and I have had a rough time emotionally at the moment due to issues hes had from the past

OP if you have atrial fibrillation you should be resting and monitoring your health VERY carefully. I am really shocked at your situation. You should be having as much help as it is possible to get. Does your midwife know what is going on?

Oh velvet It sounds all sorts of fucked up to an outsider.

Yes, pressure of being "the provider" is tough, especially for 4+ kids and spouse.

But - he's got 4 kids!!! He should fucking KNOW how tough that is. We have 2, and my DH knows (& I often cut him more slack than I should.)

Your husband may be afraid of losing his job, but it all sounds a bit shit. No company CC for a (presumably) high earner who needs to travel a lot, no taxi to the airport?

Either a) it's not true (& your husband is disorganised at best, lying deliberately at worst) or b) there are better jobs & employers out there for him.

This is all at a totally shit time for you, but if you can please treat it as a wake-up call that in future things need to change.

Your husband may not be the total shit we're assuming, but he DEFINITELY needs to step up better.

I could probably apply for one and get him to use it for his expenses as then I would have a clearer account of what money we actually have if that makes sense

No. It makes absolutely NO sense to link a debt to your name when he can't sort his own finances out....yet again you're 'bailing' him out, which in turn enables him to carry on.

If i were you i would contact his hr dept and ask about their policy on refunding work/travel expenses (just say you're looking at some options on behalf of your h).
I think he's choosing not to deal with that 'hassle' - easier to just dip into family money.
Same way he's choosing to go away despite the situation - easier to use work as an excuse to get out of the 'hassle' of parenting.

It's HIS responsibility to sort his expenses, whether he does that via work, credit card in his name or using the money from his own personal spends (NOT from the family/housekeeping pot).

if things go downhill you'll be saddled with his debt and risk your own credit rating.

OP - I guess he's gone now has he?
You sound lovely by the way, but you must try and look after yourself. Could your MIL have the kids for a couple of afternoons, so you can get some rest? I know you say you're not close, but surely she must see your situation.

What is the plan for if you did go into labour early? Or needed to go into hospital for monitoring? Who will look after the DC and take you to hospital?

It's the Easter holidays. I remember my 4th pregnancy well - not being able to bend down to do the kids shoelaces or pick all the toys up at the end of the day. If you have friends around, I'm sure they will only be to happy to help you.
When is your own DM back?

Also, as a PP asked, what are the emotional issues your DH has been dealing with recently? It sounds like you're the emotional crutch for everyone in your family.

As I said, my DH has always travelled a lot too and has an extremely high-pressure job which at times has taken over our lives tbh. Sometimes it was easier when he was away in s sense, less food shopping, cooking, listening to work problems I could do nothing about, etc. My DC are a bit older now and it does get easier, but I do know he would never have left me on your condition. Even though he was super busy and stressed most of the time (still is) he never missed an ante-natal appointment and I did feel he was there for me. Do you get that at all from your DH? I mean what does he think will happen if you went into labour early?

I would be more bothered about the lack of support with the kids and pregnancy than being jealous of his trip!

Have you told him you need a break / holiday? As it sounds like you need one.

Are you planning more kids?