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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be hacked off at DH

243 replies

velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 12:52

DH is off to Los Angeles tmrw for 2 weeks for work related company piss up reasons. He has a few seminars and bits to do work wise but its all about schmoozing with his US counterparts that kinda thing. He will be wined and dined and go to universal studios etc. I know im BU BUT I am hacked off. We haven't had a holiday or even been away in 8 years (dh travels abroad a lot with work i know it's work but he still gets time to himself etc). Hes leaving me with three dc under 6 and did i mention that im 8 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy (cardiology issues). To top it off all 3 kids have bloody sickness bug and i have to drive him to heathrow which is 90 miles from where we live at 4am Angry Apparently his company wont pay for taxis or parking - ugh! Dh has also today informed me he has lost his debit card so will be taking mine so that means a drive and park up in town to get cash out the bank Angry

Dh and I have had a rough time emotionally at the moment due to issues hes had from the past that are currently being dealt with and i guess i am BU as he deserves a break but so do I. I would do anything for a weekend in a stuffy premier inn with no housework or dinner time mayhem Wink

OP posts:
minipie · 06/04/2017 16:28

Restless DH and I also work in jobs where travel is expected and yes ordinarily it would be very frowned on not to go. It has to be something pretty serious and unusual to justify not going. But this scenario (wife 8 months into a high risk pregnancy, 3 other DC under 6) is pretty serious and unusual.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/04/2017 16:29

Come back OP, we're not cross with you, but we are with your Husband.

gunsandbanjos · 06/04/2017 16:30

What's the contingency if you go into labour in the next few days?

ElspethFlashman · 06/04/2017 16:36

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EatsShitAndLeaves · 06/04/2017 16:37

Just to add I work for a US company but obviously based in the U.K. so the cultural expectations would not be different to your DH's position.

The only other thing I can think of on the airport transportation is that if it's a 90mile trip he doesn't want to get a taxi so he can claim 45p per mile (or the going rate) and make a "profit" rather than simply being paid back the taxi fee.

You definitely need to put your foot down about him using his debit card for expenses and getting overdrawn - that's madness.

I have a Virgin Air miles Credit Card I use for work. I tend to fly with them and doing so means I rack up hundreds of thousands of air miles a year between my card and work flights which I am using to cover flights to California in Upper Class for the whole family this summer. Perhaps if your DH was a little more organised he might think of something like this so the whole family could benefit from his travel. Hmm

velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 16:37

Thanks for all the replies

Ive spoken to dh this afternoon and the company arnt paying for taxis but are paying for parking Hmm but as money is tight at the moment he thought me driving him would give us more room (in the bank account as were already in overdraft) apparently its around 200£ to park? Is this right seems a lot? I actually feel bad for dh in some ways. He has a constant fear of losing his job and i do understand why he feels he has to go. He hasn't even told his boss we're having a baby hes just booked the 2 weeks off as AL. I think he feels if he took pat leave that wouldn't look good Sad I do though think he will be having fun and having some sort of break and holiday of some sort so i do feel resentful as awful as it sounds im just being honest. I feel like i dont want to say too much as i have rl friends on here but my section is being carried out at 39 weeks. I have an issue with the blood flow in my heart following on from an infection but its not life threatening, atrial fibrillation its called. Im okay just could do with a decent rest for even a few hours with no kids Grin

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 06/04/2017 16:39

Is there a reason he can't pay for a bloody airport transfer himself?

NavyandWhite · 06/04/2017 16:40

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velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 16:40

Also told him hes not having my card!

OP posts:
minipie · 06/04/2017 16:41

He has a constant fear of losing his job and i do understand why he feels he has to go. He hasn't even told his boss we're having a baby hes just booked the 2 weeks off as AL. I think he feels if he took pat leave that wouldn't look good

I have sympathy but he's being a bit silly. Paternity leave is normal in this day and age and unless he is working for complete dinosaurs he won't be judged for taking 2 weeks! I wonder whether he's not been performing very well and so is worried about them having an excuse to axe him? If not then he doesn't really seem to have any reason to be so worried.

cathf · 06/04/2017 16:44

Do any posters on this thread actually have a relationship with their OH, or do they just bark orders at them and expect them to jump in line. There is such a lack of empathy or caring in some of the responses.
My reaction - if faced with this myself - would be:
Take him to the airport - ideally no. On the off chance I could arrange a sleepover for the kids, I would quite like to take him so we could have a last quiet time together before he went away. If I had to take the kids, no, get a taxi;
Debit card - it's a joint account, what's the problem? He can either draw money out on my card before he goes, or take my card and I'll get his when it arrives in a couple of days. In the meantime, he can draw me some cash before he goes - no need for dramatic trips to town with pram etc
Work trip - only you know how necessary this is and the implications of not going. YANU to be cheesed off he is going but only you know how unreasonable he is being.

cathf · 06/04/2017 16:45

And my OH would be exactly the same if it was me going away

WitchDancer · 06/04/2017 16:46

Is he on glue? I am deeply saddened and angry on your behalf that he thinks like this.

If it was my DH he would be told to not bother coming back if he did go, but then again my DH wouldn't do this to me. When I was 30 weeks he was making sure I was taking it easy, particularly in my second pregnancy when I wasn't well 😔

NavyandWhite · 06/04/2017 16:47

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Crunchymum · 06/04/2017 16:48

He hasn't told his boss he is having a baby? Yet you are high risk?

That is a seriously fucking stupid decision by your DH.

So he has literally no scope for emergency leave, should it come down to it? And let's face it, you have a high risk pregnancy so there is a very real possibility that he could need to take leave at short notice.

Nah I think I'm out OP. I cannot believe he hasn't told his manager / boss you are having a baby.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 06/04/2017 16:52

£200 for parking sounds about right.

His reason is still rubbish though - if he had a credit card he should pay on that, claim it back quickly and it wouldn't impact your family finances at all.

His way you get slammed now for the petrol costs Hmm - it makes no sense. I also don't believe they would pay for parking but not a taxi if the costs were comparable.

I'm also Hmm about him being worried about his reputation if he doesn't go. There is a very strong "can do ethic" expected at my work place but that said, there is no-one who would expect someone to travel in your DH's circumstances. The problem seems to be he hasn't told them which is frankly very odd. It's almost like he doesn't want to give anyone a reason not to go....

velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 16:53

crunchy i actually think he doesnt think it's a big deal. Im the one who deals with everything round the house/kids. Had no support at hospital appointments or baby scans. I think he just expects me to get on with it all. I do feel a bit sad tbh cuz he juat doesn't see what i deal with.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 06/04/2017 16:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionKnight · 06/04/2017 16:55

He sounds like a knob the more you post about him.

Pallisers · 06/04/2017 16:56

He can't claim expenses for parking if he doesn't park - he'll have to produce a receipt for parking. So you driving him there won't bring him out ahead.

His work are going to think him seriously weird that he hasn't mentioned his wife is pregnant - like seriously odd.

ExplodedCloud · 06/04/2017 16:58

So he was being economical with the truth. If he's applied for a 0% credit card to put expenses on then the trip to the airport would have been fine.
Is the use of A/L instead of paternity leave also money related?
He's being ridiculous not to tell work he has a baby coming soon though. Especially if he's not even taking paternity leave.

velvetcandy · 06/04/2017 17:01

I know... i feel like giving up now. Feel likw ove dug dh a big hole on MN Blush

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 06/04/2017 17:04

For any other employees going, are they expected to have someone drive them also, or to drive themselves and leave their car for 2 weeks in airport parking? Surely that is as expensive as a taxi?

He is DBU for asking you to get 3 small DCs, who are ill, out of bed at 4am, to be driven 180 miles and brought back home to bed, and while you are so heavily pg and with a serious health condition. (And what would happen if they pass it on to you before leaving - would you be expected to drive, just pull over occasionally to throw up, or if the DCs are still throwing up, must they come too?)

(YAa tiny bitU about the "jolly" part and being jealous of that. )

He is DBU to go on a 2 week work trip, including the jolly elements of it, while you are so heavily pg. And including being away over Easter (if he's only going tomorrow and it is a full 2 weeks!) - I know US operates differently about holidays. But even those that tend to want people to work weekends, generally see the longer Holiday weekends (Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th July, and just things like Labour Day or other long weekends) as more family time, particularly as their actual holiday allowances are so much lower than ours.

(But not every company will allow employees to not go on such things - they'll expect their employees to put systems in place to support the family - so has he organized cleaners, or babysitters, or even wider family visiting to give you a break?)

He is DBU to expect to take your card with him for 2 weeks, and leave you with none. Absolutely NOT!!

Oh, and I presume he has set up contingency plans for childcare just in case you end up in labour or otherwise in hospital? Quite apart from the fact that he may miss the actual birth - just the logistics of minding the DCs if anything happens in his absence?

cestlavielife · 06/04/2017 17:06

the card has your name on it right? so no he doesnt get to take it.

he must have another credit card? anyway it is his problem

what if you have to give birth early in next two weeks?
will he come back?
who is helping you?

who is the back up while he is away for emergencies?

you may ahve fixed date for caesarean but that doesnt mean you wont go into labour early and be rushed in beforehand.

he is being really stupid eg not calling it paternity leave but that will have to be addressed when he back

WitchDancer · 06/04/2017 17:06

Velvet, please don't take what we are saying personally, however it's not very often so many vipers agree in view point. Maybe that should tell you something!

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