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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting child christened if your aren't religious

189 replies

Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 10:26

Maybe not so much a AIBU, more WWYD!!

Neither me or my boyfriend are religious at all, we were both christened as babies though.
When we first talked about having dd, now 6 months christened, her dad was really against it. He said as we aren't religious it's just hypocritical. I think it was more to do with how he was adjusting to being a dad though as now he's saying we can do if I want.

My grandparents and my boyfriends mum and grandparents, are both quite religious and I know would both really like our dd to be christened. They haven't overly mentioned it or pressured us to have it done, but I know they'd be really happy if we decided to do so.

And there lies my what do I do!! I feel a bit odd, (but can't put my finger on why as I have no religious beliefs) that me and him are both christened and our dd isn't. But think I'd feel hypocritical, asking for her to be christened and standing in church doing whatever it is you do at a christening (I've only ever been to my own and can't remember that!)

It's not about marking or celebrating her being born, I know there's non religious alternatives. But I'm not interested in it from that point of view.

Did anyone get their child christened and don't actually follow the religion? And if so for what reason, family believes, tradition?

OP posts:
Girlincognito1 · 06/04/2017 16:18

I didn't read all your post but I will say that you need to bring up your child how you see fit, not other people. A christening will not change your child's life in any way, so if you're not religious there's no real point. Just spend the extra money on your child's next birthday and have a lovely party.

M5tothesouthwest · 06/04/2017 16:21

No I didn't. I was brought up to go to church but am not religious myself. I would feel very uncomfortable effectively 'lying' in church during the Christening, making promises that I know we couldn't / wouldn't keep.

I do sometimes feel a bit sad that my children aren't Christened when the rest of the family all are (my sister and other relatives Christened their kids even though they don't regularly attend church either), but I know I made the right decision.

snowfedup · 06/04/2017 16:32

What a joke ! At least it's nice to know that the census of christians is actually a poor reflection of the true numbers !

Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 17:32

Jaxingjump
How can it be between OP and 'God' if she doesnt believe in any 'God' in the first place?

Original poster
Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 19:11

To be fair snowfedup I know people from lots of faiths whom would classify themselves as their religion, despite not actually following it. So I'm sure the census for most religions is a little off.

My mum said I was only christened as they thought it was the right thing to do. It's never bothered me though, in fact i quite liked it when I was at primary school as I felt 'normal' as most children there were christened.

I really don't know! I'm likely to be so indecisive about it, dd will be old enough to make her own mind up anyway!

OP posts:
JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 19:53

Willow, that's the beauty of it. It up to her to decide. Being an athiest does not make the word or concept of God disappear, only the reality of him. My relationship with God is personal and involves me not believing in him.

CPtart · 06/04/2017 19:54

We had our DC baptised catholic many years ago (I am, DH not) to practically guarantee them places in the best primary and secondary schools (catholic) when they were older. They were baptised at 6 months. Of course it's hypocritical. But my DC education is more important than my morals. It's funny what doesn't seem that important when DC are babies becomes increasingly more so as they grow up and progress through different stages of life.

harderandharder2breathe · 06/04/2017 20:14

I agree with peaceloveandbiscuits I quite like the idea of belonging to church but I don't believe in it at all. I go occasionally with a friend or with my Brownies and am always respectful. I like the hymns and I like the feel of community.

However to answer the OP it would be pointless and hypocritical to have your child christened if you're not religious and have no intention of bringing her up in the church.

My friends vicar has said if I wanted to take holy communion I could, even though I've never been christened or baptised, because choosing to do it and believe it as an adult is more important. However I never would because it's disrespectful to people who believe in it if I do it without believing. I do get a blessing though which is nice.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/04/2017 20:18

I didn't get DS christened as a baby, because the vicar didn't approve that he was born before we were married. So I thought bugger it and didn't bother. At 11, DS announced he was now a Christian and took himself off to church, arranging bible study classes and then had an adult baptism where he chose his own hymns and had it on a normal Sunday service with all the locals invited. He's glad he did it that way. DH and I are not religious but were both christened as babies.

Stripeymug · 06/04/2017 20:20

If you want your child baptised then do it, its easier to opt out of this than do it later. You are just opening more opportunity for your DC

Deadsouls · 06/04/2017 20:20

No don't bother. You're not religious! Why?

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 06/04/2017 20:30

No way would I have my children christened. I have little time for organised religion and wouldn't bring them into it. I also think that getting married or your kids christened in a church when you don't believe in the religion is pathetic. If you want to parade around a big venue that means nothing to you, go to fucking Eurodisney.

bunnylove99 · 06/04/2017 20:45

OP. Do you really want to stand up in church and tell a pack of lies before God, the Priest /Vicar/Minister, all your family and friends and the rest of the congregation? There is no way you can get your child Baptised/Christened without doing so if your are a non-believer. Perhaps you could start going along a few Sundays and see if anything has changed in how you feel about it all. If you are not for giving your child a religious upbringing it would be good to show her your honesty and integrity instead.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/04/2017 22:30

If you're not religious.... what does the whole 'lying before the priest, god' etc actually matter?

If you're not religious, it's all just meaningless words preceding a nice party?

peaceloveandbiscuits · 06/04/2017 22:33

Depends on your general moral outlook, I suppose, Mary

EB123 · 06/04/2017 22:40

It is hypocritical and I think quite disrespectful to stand in a church and basically lie. We aren't religious so none of my children are christened although mil would have loved it, we also had a non religious wedding ceremony for the same reasons.

LouBlue1507 · 06/04/2017 22:50

It's hypocritical and down right disrespectful and grabby!

If your partner is against it you should respect that too.

user1489261248 · 06/04/2017 22:58

It does seem odd if you don't care about religion, but I do know many people who have their child(ren) christened even when they are not religious. It's like I know people who have prayed when they are not a believer!

What pisses me off is people who are not religious (and are actually even atheist!) who insist on getting married in Church! One message forum I go on sometimes had a woman asking if she can get married in a Church, with a service that is not religious! Confused

You couldn't make this shit up!

ollieplimsoles · 06/04/2017 23:04

Jaxing I must say I find your posts quite troubling.

I assume since your husband is permitted to take your children to his catholic indoctrination, you are also ok to talk about the reasons you don't believe with them, and why they might chose not to believe, without hurting his feelings?

As an atheist I find it hard that you can sit by while your husband takes your children to hear about ridiculous and potentially damaging ideology - heaven and hell, sin, repentance, purgatory ect. Are you happy for them to take part in confession? ironically hell would freeze over before my child sat in a box alone with a catholic priest

All seems a bit much for a school place doesn't it?

ollieplimsoles · 06/04/2017 23:09

My relationship with God is personal and involves me not believing in him

Probably the most fallacious thing I've ever read. You imply that he is there to have a relationship with (a relationship generally means a union involving more than one person/ item/ concept), but you just chose to believe in him- almost like it takes faith not to believe...

raspberryblue · 06/04/2017 23:28

I came to a what a think is a compromise. I'm reasonable religious, husband is an atheist. DPs desperately wanted the children christened, think invite the priest to dinner etc. I take my DCs to mass about once a month give or take. If they choose to get Christened that is their choice, they can make an informed decision. Eldest did at 10, others have not. I suppose it my way of giving them the religious education, but also giving them a choice. DPs haven't quite got it, but it does seem to work & has removed the pressure. Ultimately do what feels right for your family and your kids. Ps I don't think it is hypocritical to get your DCs Christened if you don't believe, it is often more about being part of the community, and giving the community a way to welcome your children - especially within smaller rural communities.

Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 23:36

Jaxing
What a crock.
How can you have a relationship with someone you don't believe exists? You can't have a relationship with 'nothing '
You either believe or you don't.
You can be part of a community without thing your self in knots justifying it or dressing it up as your personal religion without a God.

dontbesillyhenry · 06/04/2017 23:37

So if you don't believe in god why not have your child christened as a Jew/Muslim/Hindu? It makes as much sense surely? Mind you I do like a visit to the gudwara every now and again especially when they have a cake sale so I could get my kids christened Sikh?

Summerisdone · 06/04/2017 23:41

I believe it's hypocritical and a waste of time. When DS was born I end d up in a massive argument with (now ex) OH as he was insisting on a christening.
We were both christened into the Catholic religion and whilst I do have some faith I certainly don't practice it, DS's father though is very against religion and believes it's all a bunch of nonsense, moaned on throughout pregnancy that he would not want DS to be brought up religious etc. so I really couldn't understand why he was then so insistent on a catholic christening.
He never could tell me why other than 'it's what you do though isn't it?'Hmm This was a ludicrous reason as far as I was concerned so DS isn't christened, although I do take him to the occasional service such as Christmas and Easter, but luckily he's still too young to tell his dad about us going Grin

Darbs76 · 06/04/2017 23:43

I think it's really hypocritical and all my friends have done it and not stepped foot in the church until christening of second child. It makes me quite angry