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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting child christened if your aren't religious

189 replies

Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 10:26

Maybe not so much a AIBU, more WWYD!!

Neither me or my boyfriend are religious at all, we were both christened as babies though.
When we first talked about having dd, now 6 months christened, her dad was really against it. He said as we aren't religious it's just hypocritical. I think it was more to do with how he was adjusting to being a dad though as now he's saying we can do if I want.

My grandparents and my boyfriends mum and grandparents, are both quite religious and I know would both really like our dd to be christened. They haven't overly mentioned it or pressured us to have it done, but I know they'd be really happy if we decided to do so.

And there lies my what do I do!! I feel a bit odd, (but can't put my finger on why as I have no religious beliefs) that me and him are both christened and our dd isn't. But think I'd feel hypocritical, asking for her to be christened and standing in church doing whatever it is you do at a christening (I've only ever been to my own and can't remember that!)

It's not about marking or celebrating her being born, I know there's non religious alternatives. But I'm not interested in it from that point of view.

Did anyone get their child christened and don't actually follow the religion? And if so for what reason, family believes, tradition?

OP posts:

Original poster

Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 11:51

That's my thinking Jaxing my boyfriends grandparents haven't made a big deal about it. But when we first said we wouldn't be doing it and we'd let her decide later, his grandma said 'but what if something happens to her' she quickly took it back and apologised. I know that was her first thought and something that will be bothering them.

I'm actually quite involved in the church as a community thing, just not so much in the religious aspect.

OP posts:

maialady · 06/04/2017 11:52

I got my ds1 baptised and ds2 will also be. I'm not even catholic. However I was christened and partner was baptised ( we live abroad so no Protestant churches around here. I'm not particularly religious at all really but I tend to see it as a tradition, a ceremony that shows we intend on bringing them up in a Christian / catholic country that follows some moral rules. I may not agree with the Bible word for word but I can't help but like my children have been / will be blessed into their community. My partner wasn't bothered in the slightest, people will say you're hypocritical but I don't think there's anything wrong if you feel you want to why not

lorelairoryemily · 06/04/2017 11:55

Neither of us are religious and our families aren't either but we our baby is christened, we're getting married in a church too.

Choccyhobnob · 06/04/2017 11:56

We had a humanist naming ceremony last year which was wonderful. It also specifically mentioned that he would be free to choose his own religion if and when he wanted to and his very catholic grandparents seemed to approve of the ceremony.

FatLittleWombat · 06/04/2017 11:58

Hypocritical and a total waste of time imo, but you wouldn't be the first to do it. 75% of christenings I've been to were with parents who aren't religious and have no intention of giving their children a religious education.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2017 11:58

Actually Worra the priest asks very little about parents beliefs in my experience.

The little they do ask, will be more than enough to ascertain whether the parents believe in god though.

hellomoon · 06/04/2017 12:00

well, if you are going to state in church that you will bring your child up to observe the faith of that church, with no intention of doing so - then you are being hypocritical.

But I also 'get' that when a new child comes into the family, then it can be wonderful to recognise that addition with a service of celebration of thanks.

I didn't have my DC christened as a result of not wishing to make a promise I had no intention of keeping. However, in hindsight, I do wish I had compromised with such a service as I know it would have meant a lot to my family to formally 'accept' my DC into the family and the community and for everyone to come together to celebrate that.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 12:00

I can't help but like my children have been / will be blessed into their community.

Blessed by what?

I think christening or baptising a child you have no intention of bringing up in that faith makes a mockery of the religion. It's like you're hedging your bets.

GoldenWondering · 06/04/2017 12:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

GahBuggerit · 06/04/2017 12:06

Its not hypocritical, generally, IME and from what Ive heard from others, the Church is happy that people go whether its for their own quiet reflection on their own 'terms' or full blown commitment and belief.

My local church knew I wasnt religious, they knew I only started going to help get my son into the school that was attached - they werent bothered, they were glad that something brought me there, regardless of what it was, and the regulars who I became very friendly with said that was most important - that me and the children were there.

As it happens I actually really liked going and still go now although not as regular as I'd like, not for the sermons and readings, but for the community side of it, the quiet, the peace, the togtherness, for that one hour where the outside world just didnt matter.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 12:07

Worra, maybe because I'm raised in the CoE the Priest stayed away from personal questions about our faith. It was a different Priest each time so I've assumed it was common not to question parents faith. We also had both Catholic and Protestant godparents. But we were not asked anything that put me in a position to lie in the preparation meetings.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 12:07

Well if he says no Worra he can say good bye to the cakes I bake for the next bun sale and the days I give up doing face painting or manning the bouncy castle at the summer fair (I'm just joking for any religious people on here!!)

It's a small community, and I think it's seen as a welcoming to the community, not just the religion! I've seen the vicar with my dd and he's asked if I'm going to be calling in to arrange a her baptism.

As I've said I'm happy for my dd to have religious influences from grandparents, and she will go to play groups etc at the church, rainbows, brownies and all that, if she wants to of course.
I guess a part of me doesn't see the difference in her being christened and those things. Plus I don't think it's bad to do something that makes our family members happy.
But still I feel a bit hypocritical and wonder how I'd explain to her when she's older that we had her christened even though we didn't believe in god!

OP posts:

ProudBadMum · 06/04/2017 12:08

Neither of mine are christened because I don't believe. My dad and his family would like it but no thanks.

But I'm not the type who needs an excuse for a piss up and a party I do it any time

My niece will be as my brothers girlfriend is religious as are her family. A church ceremony and maybe some food at theirs I think. Simple but for them it's about the church.

I'll be going and smiling through it though I don't believe

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 12:11

Emboo, I would just say that God is different things to different people. And it's fine for her to decide between her and God, what that relationship means to her. For you, it's community. Something unseen, unheard, that brings people together. That doesn't mean you believe God is a person presiding over a heaven etc. I don't believe in God but I do believe in people and that is what I think God actually is.

ShatnersWig · 06/04/2017 12:15

hellomoon you said: "However, in hindsight, I do wish I had compromised with such a service as I know it would have meant a lot to my family to formally 'accept' my DC into the family and the community and for everyone to come together to celebrate that."

What has the church got to do with that? If you wanted your family and friends to come together to celebrate you having given birth, then just throw a party at your house, or hire a village hall or school hall if you want a lot of people there.

BikeRunSki · 06/04/2017 12:16

In pretty much the same situation, both our DC had Humanist ceremonies instead.

Bicnod · 06/04/2017 12:26

My godparents were (and remain) extremely important to me growing up. Because of this I wanted my children to have official godparents. I know you can have guide parents or unofficial godparents etc but it just doesn't seem quite such a level of commitment. So we had all three of ours christened, mainly because we wanted each of them to have loving and involved godparents who will look out for them and be another adult to turn to if things kick off when they're teenagers (that's when my godparents came into their own...)

DH and I are not religious. We didn't lie to the vicar, we told the truth which is that we will bring the children up to know about Christian beliefs/stories/values (most of which are pretty similar to the other major religions...) etc so that they can make their own decision later on as to whether or not they believe.

I think it would be great to believe in a god - it must be such a comfort to think you/your loved ones go on somewhere once you die/that there's some greater being looking out for you. I don't believe it at all but maybe my kids will - who knows?

We also got married in a church - it was the church I used to go to at Christmas etc as a child in the village I grew up in.

Maybe these choices make me hypocritical, but it doesn't actually matter does it? It doesn't hurt anyone else if a person chooses to get their child christened but doesn't believe every word uttered in the ceremony.

dontpokethebear · 06/04/2017 12:28

Good question.

I have been ask to be a God parent to my very long time friends DD. They are not in the slightest religious (their ds was christened too).
I am not 'religious', I'd probably class myself as agnostic. however I do attend church periodically as dh is a church goer.

I don't want to be a god parent purely because I can't bring myself to stand up in church and promise to help raise him in the church etc etc. So hypocritical.
I can quite happily promise to love, guide and support him etc. Just not under the guise of god parent

hellomoon · 06/04/2017 12:29

Shatners 8
What has the church got to do with that? If you wanted your family and friends to come together to celebrate you having given birth, then just throw a party at your house, or hire a village hall or school hall if you want a lot of people there

Because some family members are religious - and they would have appreciated the opportunity to celebrate with a thanksgiving service in a church setting.

Elphame · 06/04/2017 12:34

Why not have a naming party to welcome your child to the world?

I was baptised as a baby and if I could undo it I would. As it is I'm on the church rolls as one of its members and they use this involuntary membership to justify their claims that the UK is a "Christian" country and that it gives them the right to claim a say in how the country is run. Getting off the roll is next to impossible

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 06/04/2017 13:14

I've just looked on the Church of England website, it says this:
"The Church of England welcomes all babies, children and families - whatever shape that family takes. You do not have to be married to ask for a christening for your child. You do not have to be an active churchgoer - as parents, you do not even have to have been christened yourselves. Everyone is welcome at their local church."
So no need for vicars to be questioning parents about their beliefs.

TooManyTrolls · 06/04/2017 13:19

^I've just looked on the Church of England website, it says this:
"The Church of England welcomes all babies, children and families - whatever shape that family takes. You do not have to be married to ask for a christening for your child. You do not have to be an active churchgoer - as parents, you do not even have to have been christened yourselves. Everyone is welcome at their local church."^
So no need for vicars to be questioning parents about their beliefs.

It might say you don't have to be an active churchgoer but that's a million miles away from them welcoming atheists. 🤔

sonlypuppyfat · 06/04/2017 13:24

In my church if you want a baptism you have to go to 3 meetings to learn about what baptism means

Original poster

Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 13:32

Thank you all!
I think I need to talk to my boyfriend, see if he's really ok with it. He sometimes just says yes, but really he'll be hoping I don't do it!

Then have a talk with the vicar and see what his thoughts are on it.

OP posts:

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 06/04/2017 13:40

TooManyTrolls Surely atheists are included in the work "everyone". Why would they not welcome atheists?

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