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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting child christened if your aren't religious

189 replies

Emboo19 · 06/04/2017 10:26

Maybe not so much a AIBU, more WWYD!!

Neither me or my boyfriend are religious at all, we were both christened as babies though.
When we first talked about having dd, now 6 months christened, her dad was really against it. He said as we aren't religious it's just hypocritical. I think it was more to do with how he was adjusting to being a dad though as now he's saying we can do if I want.

My grandparents and my boyfriends mum and grandparents, are both quite religious and I know would both really like our dd to be christened. They haven't overly mentioned it or pressured us to have it done, but I know they'd be really happy if we decided to do so.

And there lies my what do I do!! I feel a bit odd, (but can't put my finger on why as I have no religious beliefs) that me and him are both christened and our dd isn't. But think I'd feel hypocritical, asking for her to be christened and standing in church doing whatever it is you do at a christening (I've only ever been to my own and can't remember that!)

It's not about marking or celebrating her being born, I know there's non religious alternatives. But I'm not interested in it from that point of view.

Did anyone get their child christened and don't actually follow the religion? And if so for what reason, family believes, tradition?

OP posts:

0nline · 06/04/2017 13:40

I'm an atheist, DH is Catholic. DS was baptised because he was born before the Pope changed the rules on unbaptised babies not going to heaven should the worst happen. Late (mega Catholic) MIL was in bits about the not going to heaven thing. So we got him done. It was no skin off my nose and MIL's pain was relieved. She got to be god mother too and was over the moon.

BIL (my sister's husband) is a (not very religious) Catholic. He was GodFather, a role he takes very seriously in terms of being an extra, non parental confidante. DS & BIL have a particularly close bond that I think was kickstarted by the GodFather role being established as something special on top.

DS (now 16) is an atheist.

I have no regrets over our choice. I don't care if somebody thinks it was hypocritical. I believe that man created god to fulfill a well documented and wide spread need in humanity. I saw a need in the family that only a god based ritual could fill. So gave my blessing for it to happen. Which fits just fine with my outlook in life, which is choose the hills you are willing to die on carefully.

Ilovewillow · 06/04/2017 13:49

I think its hypocritical. I am religious, my husband is not. My children go to a church school as it's our catchment school but neither of them are christened as I want religion to be their choice not mine. I happily attend all school church activities as does my husband to support the children but they will make the choice when they are ready and if it's their choice. My daughter now nearly 9 is starting to think seriously about wanting to be christened and I will support her. I'm also godparent to my friends daughter and I stood at the christening willing and able to support her child in the christian faith but that was their decision. I think there would be better options for you!

peaceloveandbiscuits · 06/04/2017 13:58

I think the issue is that generations of people who are having babies now will have grown up in the 70s/80s/early 90s even, when it was expected for families to have their children christened. So there's vast swathes of us who've been christened or baptised whose families haven't raised them as religious or taken them to church, because it was just "what was expected" rather than what our families truly believed. So now when we have our own children we think it's "traditional" to be christened.

I was christened and my parents were married in a church - they are not in the least bit religious. To my mind, they are hypocrites, though I appreciate that in the 80s it was expected of them.

DH fell into this trap when we got married - he wanted to marry in church because he thought it would please his (non-church going!) parents and that it was "traditional". I said that any vows I made in front of a god I don't believe in would be meaningless to me, and he agreed. So there was no question of having DS christened - because we have absolutely no intention of raising him in the church.

And this "back up plan for heaven" nonsense - you either believe in an afterlife or you don't. If you do, a christening is probably for you, and if you don't, it's definitely not.

Have a party, by all means, but why bring religion into it? I would also question the true faith of your parents and grandparents if they'd be happier for you to go against your own beliefs and make a mockery of theirs by lying during a religious ceremony, than just letting DC decide when they are old enough.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/04/2017 14:00

Pointless and hypocritical but thousands do it just for the party and gifts so you wouldn't be alone.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 06/04/2017 14:03

You'd have to lie and promise to bring her up as a Christian, knowing God and guiding her in a Christian way of life. I don't understand why you would want to do that if it's not something you want to commit to?

carefreeeee · 06/04/2017 14:07

I don't think it's a big deal either way - it's a cultural thing and lots of people still do it even though they aren't regular church goers.

To be fair it's pretty pointless even for believers - it's not biblical but just a tradition for certain sects. Not required for church attendance or getting into heaven. TBH I wondered if being unmarried parents might be more of an issue - your vicar must be quite easy going if he doesn't object to that.

For me I'd be embarrassed to stand up and say all those things that I don't believe in. (Obviously you don't believe them if you are having a child out of marriage). But if you square that with your conscience then it's up to you.

(Not saying you should get married - I'm not religious either - just it seems to be quite a serious issue for many christians!)

witsender · 06/04/2017 14:07

We just said to our parents that we didn't want to make the choice for them. That we would give them relevant information as they grow up, and if they choose to follow a particular religion we will support them.

Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 15:09

Well of course the church will welcome anyone as they are hoping that they are getting another member or three!

I think standing there promising to do something you have no intention of doing is hypocritical. Neither you nor your oh will bring up the child in the Christian faith, unless you chose someone who is a comitted Christian to be godparents then neither will they. TBH starting your childs life out with a blatent lie is not a great thing to do. How will you justify it to her when she is older and asks "If you dont believe in God why did I get christened"?

I wanted to keep everyone else happy and put aside my own beliefs.
I thought lying about it was ok to keep the peace.
I was a hypocrite and just wanted the nice ceremony.

Using the church for a nice service to look good for the family is not a good reason to have your child cristened.

NOTHING will happen to your child if they are not christened! They are too small to even know whats going on. Let them make up their minds when they are old enough. My old Bible Studies teacher back when God was a boy, and I went to church, was a lay preacher and his kids werent baptised as he wanted them to make their own minds up and find their own path in life. Stick to your own beliefs and let your kids decide what their beliefs are later. They can still be part of the community in your area without being baptised, if anyone thinks different then they are not worth knowing.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:21

Hypocritical yes, pointless no.

But as I've said before, it between you and 'God' what form your relationship takes.

My relationship with God involves community, cake sales, children's fairs, Christmas and Easter services. It doesn't involve faith.

Bearlet · 06/04/2017 15:28

DH is the godfather of his best friend’s daughter despite not being religious. It’s not something I would have agreed to myself, but I feel it’s none of my business.

He would also happily have got married in a church if I hadn’t put my foot down. I might possibly have been open to persuasion if I had been marrying someone who was religious and to whom having a church wedding was genuinely important. As it was, I saw it as an opportunity to broaden his and his family’s horizons and show them that there are non-religious ways of marking rites of passage.

Which wasn’t exactly news to them, but it was definitely not an idea to which they’ve had much exposure. To them, these big special occasions are cultural traditions, and church is part of how they are celebrated. They would absolutely subscribe to the “doing things as they should be done” view expressed above. I wouldn’t necessarily call that hypocritical, just a bit unenlightened.

Still, it’s not as if I’ve never been guilty of unthinkingly or grudgingly following social convention, so I don’t feel in a position to judge too much.

Frazzled2207 · 06/04/2017 15:32

Hypocritical and pointless IMO. However it seems to be the done thing where I live to have your child christened, regardless of your beliefs (or lack of in most cases).
I'm broadly Christian and would like my kids to be Christened ideally but my dh is atheist and therefore it won't be happening- we both agree it wouldn't be right.
Exactly the same thoughts about non-believers getting married in a church.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2017 15:34

But as I've said before, it between you and 'God' what form your relationship takes.

My relationship with God involves community, cake sales, children's fairs, Christmas and Easter services. It doesn't involve faith.

So just the fun stuff then?

Floggingmolly · 06/04/2017 15:35

It would be a complete farce. What could you possibly hope to gain?

Floggingmolly · 06/04/2017 15:36

Cake sake and children's fairs? You're taking the piss, right?

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:37

I had a lovely church wedding despite being Athiest. My dad composed two pieces of organ music for it. I knew a lot of the people in the choir. The minister was my mums childhood friend and I used to play with her kids too. I may not believe in God but my life and upbringing has always been tied in the church. Church and religion just mean something different to me.

But again, that's none of anyone else's business in reality. Nobody owns the church. Not even the Priest.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:38

Yes Worra, just the fun stuff. Why does that matter?

OlennasWimple · 06/04/2017 15:43

for most people, having a church wedding is about a nice venue for the photos and doing it the traditional way. Fine, but I find it disingenuous to stand there and only actually mean some of your wedding vows

Getting children christened is slightly different, as to some degree it's about giving them options in later life. But it isn't about "welcoming them into the family", it's about welcoming them into the church community - and if you aren't yourself part of that church community, what are you doing it for if not for the photos and tradition?

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2017 15:49

It matters because if everyone took that attitude, there would be no churches, priests or vicars etc.

There are plenty of other places to have fun, that doesn't involve being hypocritical.

peaceloveandbiscuits · 06/04/2017 15:54

"But as I've said before, it between you and 'God' what form your relationship takes.

My relationship with God involves community, cake sales, children's fairs, Christmas and Easter services. It doesn't involve faith."

So what is God?

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:55

If people come to church for fun there would likely be more churches, priests etc. I'm not sure I understand why my attendance to services and events, my monetary contributions etc as an athiest have any affect on the church establishment. Every member of any congregation is there for their own personal reasons, reasons that have no impact on anyone else and aren't even the business of the Priest/Minister.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:59

Peace, to me 'God' doesn't exist. I go to church (occasionally) as the traditions are familiar and the community is there.

God as a concept just makes it so much easier to visualise and describe something for the masses to give meaning to the act of being a group of people/community.

anchovybones · 06/04/2017 16:11

Every member of any congregation is there for their own personal reasons, reasons that have no impact on anyone else and aren't even the business of the Priest/Minister.

Vicar here (nc). I'd never turn anyone away or refuse to baptize anyone, but I do find it one of the most stressful parts of my job to listen to people make promises they have no intention of keeping. It makes me feel like a fraud and the whole service like a farce. I still baptize the child, because I don't believe it's my call to make and I trust that God will do his thing whether the (God)parents believe or not. But I absolutely dread those occasions.

Biker47 · 06/04/2017 16:13

Any kids I have will never be christened (unless they chose to as an adult), I think it's a load of shite, I was christened.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2017 16:14

My local vicar wouldn't do it anchovy and nor would my local priest.

peaceloveandbiscuits · 06/04/2017 16:14

I too enjoy community and I envy those with faith because I think it must be quite nice to believe in something more than ourselves (I wish sometimes I never learnt to question everything). But I can't pretend to believe in god and Jesus and all the rest, and I'd feel ridiculous reciting the Lord's Prayer with all those people who, you know, actually feel and believe the words they say in church.
So I meet my needs for community elsewhere, through volunteering etc, where I actually believe in what I'm doing and saying.
I don't need to call it "god".

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