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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:48

I'm commenting on a very common male attitude endorsed by women

dontbesillyhenry · 06/04/2017 22:50

So true this is sexist.
Imagine a SAHD of a child who doesn't need looking after during they day crowing he needs his wife to work from home to watch a young adult be sick so he could attend his golf lessons!!! Zut alors!

MyPuppyIsADick · 06/04/2017 22:53

I haven't RTFT but YABU if he is 15 and what's the dog walker all about if you're at home Confused

MyPuppyIsADick · 06/04/2017 22:54

I don't think the DH has an attitude at all unless there's more to this... he's 15?!

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:54

The dog walker is for when she attends the course

Slarti · 06/04/2017 22:56

But they both decided it would be better if she didn't work because of his long hours and the fact that it was stressful so she doesn't owe him anything really if that's what he wanted.

And by the same rationale, they both decided it was better if he did work so he doesn't owe her anything. Your reasoning works both ways. The fact that you (and a couple of others) only want to apply it to the dh demonstrates the sexism here.

OwlOfBrown · 06/04/2017 23:02

But they both decided it would be better if she didn't work because of his long hours and the fact that it was stressful so she doesn't owe him anything really if that's what he wanted.

That's quite an assumption. And if she agreed to become a SAHM because her husband works long hours in a stressful role then how the feck is looking after a vomiting child while he does said long and stressful hours going to help?

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 23:08

It's not. It's in one of her posts.

And how often is he likely to have to cover her really. These are exceptional circumstances

FritzDonovan · 06/04/2017 23:25

And there isn't a good enough reason not to help. He regularly works from home when it suits him when he hasn't got meetings - like today, in fact. He's not prepared to pick up the slack because that is 'her job as the sahp'
Yep. It's not ideal for him, but hardly puts him out. It could be argued that OP has to do her hobby during the working day because she is restricted at evenings by DHs work. He could help out, as you do in a partnership, but choses not to for no good reason. (Although I agree OP has it easy with cleaner etc, that's not the issue.) I find it unlikely that OP never looked after dc so that DH could do something he wanted to.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 06/04/2017 23:28

Regardless of sex, if one parent has had the luxury of staying at home, most of the chores done, including dog walking. If I was the earning partner, I would feel inclined to say work isn't optional, really sorry but this course is merely a hobby, ask for notes, see if the course leader can send you as much as possible to catch up.

Ok if I could work from home I would. But there might be stuff I need access to in the office, so it doesn't matter if I've no meetings, I might have planned to call on a colleague, or monitor a situation.

So whilst it seems unfair, the parent at home, male or female, as there's men who have such circumstances, then surely you'd try and accommodate the at home partner as much as you could, but you would also think well DC is 15, they've not been ill in 2 years, so in the week you have your hobbies, you have friends you meet up with, male or female, life is pretty easy. Only real task is cooking dinner, I'm guessing you'd have a dish washer or leave pots for cleaner.

I can see his point of view as he must be a high earner, with being a high earner, usually there's a lot more responsibility. At the age of 13/14 onwards, I think you would deviate from SAHP to HouseWife/Husband. Or Lady/Gentleman of leisure. As you may have to prompt DC to get up, get to school, then on return chivvy them to do homework and sort out school uniform from PE kit for another person to wash/iron. It's not like having a 6 year old where the child isn't as independent.

When the child reaches Sixth Form, University, of course you're there in case of emergency, but I suspect the SAHP wouldn't suddenly be seeking work after 16 years as a SAHP.

I don't see it as a sex orientated issue, as I've worked with DH being at home. So it does work both ways.

I think you have to be clutching at straws to say the working partner has it easier, when literally almost everything is catered for, bar cooking. I agree it's a shame that the SAHP would miss out on a pre-planned activity. For me at this age they'd have to be considerably ill to warrant hand holding 24/7, unless they had other issues.

An unpopular opinion, but I can see both sides.

FritzDonovan · 06/04/2017 23:43

It doesn't really matter if the rest of her week is easy or not. The issue is this one particular time in the week. I assume Op does it through the week as she can't on an evening. Surely every decent partnership allows some give and take. DH has not said he needs stuff from work, unless I missed it.

dontbesillyhenry · 06/04/2017 23:57

But the breadwinners work must take priority during normal working hours surely?

OwlOfBrown · 07/04/2017 00:03

You'd think so, wouldn't you henry. I never cease to be amazed at how little regard some people have for the one thing that keeps a roof over their heads.

gandalf456 · 07/04/2017 00:12

Well he's hardly going to be fired for it. DH and I both work. We often rearrange due to others' commitments, usually work related but occasionally the odd thing that's unpaid. It's not unusual at all

FairytalesAreBullshit · 07/04/2017 01:10

To me it's simple, ask OH by all means, male or female. If they say no, then you take that as the answer. They don't need to justify their work schedule, just that it's not possible sorry.

I don't know how it works when both parents work. That isn't the situation here though.

I hate to say it, but this is a course for a hobby. So realistically if it was to further your career prospects, then maybe a bit more thought would go into the compromise. Say it's pottery, you want your DC looked after, they're realistically old enough to look after themselves. If you miss it, not the end of the world. Another subject, something work based (don't say what if OP wants to become a master potter) you could understand the anger.

As OP said if DC is still bad Friday, she'll adjust her diary. So it seems like she has a fairly comfy social schedule in the week.this would be applicable for any SAHP. 99% of the time you have nothing to do in the day, that 1% you're needed, you have to think where is my priority, does my situation trump OH's.

I don't think it's an out there concept.

Say OP was getting her nails done, she really needed them touching up, or a hair appointment. Would this be important enough to have her DH say ok hunni I'll work from home?

Yes it's crappy missing a week, but you have to prioritise. Effectively all parents can make use of parental leave if needed at work. But with a SAHP I think there's the onus that they deal with situations like OP's. crappy as it is.

londonrach · 07/04/2017 02:50

A hobby course vs full paid work....which one is more important? Yabu on this issue. Ds is 15 yabvu he can stay on own. I certainly did at his age and sick. Parents phoned at lunchtime from work to check on me (before mobile phones). This has to be made up post for a sahp and a 15 year old.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/04/2017 04:16

A hobby course vs full paid work....which one is more important?

Seems obvious to me, too.

Mumsnet = alternate universe, I swear.

FritzDonovan · 07/04/2017 04:30

I think a lot of ppl are missing the point. If OP has to arrange everything around dh's work (ie he works long evenings so she can't do anything in the evening, hence the hobby course during the day- correct me if I'm wrong) and he can (and does, when HE WANTS to) work from home without difficulty or repercussions, what's the problem in him slightly inconveniencing himself to help out? I'd be willing to bet that most ppl commenting on 'work comes first' are not quite as constrained by their OP's job. I may be wrong, but having been in a position of having to give up job and evening hobbies/exercise due to dh job, I can empathise.

MaisyPops · 07/04/2017 05:19

he can (and does, when HE WANTS to) work from home without difficulty or repercussions, what's the problem in him slightly inconveniencing himself to help out?
Because that's the point when it's convenient to his work.

I used to work from home every now and again. But it was on my terms when it fitted with stuff that i didnt need others for or I had a report to write/traininh to plan and I didnt want to get interrupted. It was task dependent. If there was lots going on at the office and it was better to be there to be on hand etc then i wouldnt work from home.
The work situation affected my decision and I'f be annoyed if DH wanted me to make thr less productibe work decision because as a SAHP he felt his golf lessons, football etv took priority. I would be thinking 'we agreed you were SAHP and that is part of it.'

KoalaDownUnder · 07/04/2017 05:27

Completely agree, Maisy.

Surely the person doing the job decides whether working at home involves no 'difficulty or repercussions' on any given day? Confused

nooka · 07/04/2017 05:38

Why would the OP have to organise her evenings around her dh's work though? Her ds is 15 and hardly needs 24/7 parental supervision. There is no particular reason why she would have to organise her hobby during the day, although I'm not sure what she does during the day given that she has apparently outsourced all of the domestic chores and has one teenager who is presumably normally at school all day.

The main advantage of having a SAHP is that the WOHP doesn't need to think about anything domestic/home related. When my dh was at home I could book work trips without really thinking about it because I could rely on him. In my mind it was a bloody expensive luxury, and I'm much happier juggling things a bit in return for not being the sole earner. The OP and her DH have organised things in a particular way. It's very unbalanced but I can't see that the OP has a bad deal, at least at this point in her life (assuming she wanted not to work).

KateDaniels2 · 07/04/2017 06:00

The partnership works like this

He pays bills
She is the sahp

Neither needed to stay home but the op wanted someone to stay home. But she didnt want it to be her though.

He said it makes work more difficult. And sometimes working from home is more difficult. He doesnt need to stay home.

I dont think the dh needs to be ever grateful she was a sahp and always do as she requested. Being a sahp is difficult. But the OP doesnt have a hard life. Especially since the child is almost an adult snd she has loads of help.

They have both contributed to their life.

I stand by what i said earlier. If the roles were reversed the dh would he a cocklodger.

Middleagedmumoftwo · 07/04/2017 06:29

I'm more interested in why someone who is a SAHM of a near adult needs a cleaner, help with ironing and a dog walker 😂

FritzDonovan · 07/04/2017 07:01

Surely the person doing the job decides whether working at home involves no 'difficulty or repercussions' on any given day?
I was making an assumption based on OP. I may be incorrect, but have not read so. If he did say it makes the day's work more difficult, fair enough.

Why would the OP have to organise her evenings around her dh's work though? Her ds is 15.
Maybe not everyone is happy to leave their 15 year old alone at home at night Confused. Maybe this course was only available through the day.
If the roles were reversed the dh would he a cocklodger
Maybe wrt having all the extra help (no, I don't understand that either, unless they live in a mansion with acres of garden to maintain), but not on this simple occasion of asking dh to work from home.

Slarti · 07/04/2017 07:10

Surely every decent partnership allows some give and take.

Exactly. So why is there no give from the OP? Why does her hobby come before being a SAHM? Why does she "expect" others to fill in so she can opt out and continue her "nice life" uninterrupted by parenting duties? That doesn't sound like give and take, just take.

As for the PPs saying post this in feminism and portraying the OP as an oppressed domestic slave, you are the very reason the feminism board has the reputation it does. Hmm